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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To get DS (18) at college to ask his Dad for maintenance?

59 replies

Rejoiningperson · 27/04/2021 15:58

Have separated from my son’s Dad for many years, DS has always lived with me almost full-time. Now DS is at college, full-time, and still lives with me as he can’t afford to rent or pay bills. He will be there for 3 years and live with me for at least two otherwise he’d have to give up the course and get a job instead. He loves his course, it’s fantastic, he’s happier than he’s ever been.

But his Dad stopped maintenance 7 months ago and won’t pay it anymore. I’m furious as it’s left for me to keep a roof over his head, pay bills and his food.

I’ve asked his Dad to contribute but he says a flat out No. However I know that if his son asked, he’d find it hard to refuse. He really wants to be seen as a great Dad, and buys DS gifts all the time.

AIBU to get DS to ask his Dad for continued support (to me or him)? Sick of being left carrying it!

OP posts:

PloddingAlongHere · 01/05/2021 12:23

Would the Ex agree to give DS some money monthly? That would be expexted if he had moved out and gone to university. He could contribute to his own food bill and things then? Just like he was at uni, would also give m a bit more independence to take charge of those things!

titchy · 01/05/2021 12:39

Is he claiming the full maintenance loan? He should be getting at last £3500 a year, and up to £7000 a year if you're on a low income.

The expectation he should be paying you a subsidised amount of board - to reflect that he no longer enables the parent to claim CB, UC, CMS etc.

Original poster

Rejoiningperson · 03/05/2021 23:06

Thank you @PloddingAlongHere and @titchy he is getting a small bursary but is terrified of a bigger loan than he already has, and it was quite something that he took the course in the first place. He was quite lost before then, low confidence, so I did everything I could and this course fits him so well it’s great for him, that I’m really rooting for him.

I raised it again with his father myself who just said that he ‘couldn’t afford it’ and that anyway he was giving him some money directly. My son I know has no idea that the ‘gifts’ (for things like games) are maintenance so I’m going to have to break his bubble I think.

I am going to have to ask my son directly for some money. It’s going to be hard for him and honestly it will impact his ability to get stuck into his course. I’ll keep it as low as possible. I just can’t carry on and in a year’s time I’m going to be really stuck. I desperately need to move to a cheaper, smaller place with my younger child and have just been hanging on for DS and his course. I already have big debts from years of being underpaid maintenance and trying to keep everything together myself.

OP posts:

secretskillrelationships · 03/05/2021 23:21

It sounds like your son needs to apply for the maintenance loan. But you need to think of it as a tax, rather than a loan, as your son will pay it back at a fixed rate, regardless of the amount he. borrows - Martin Lewis of money saving expert is good at explaining this. If he's enjoying the course it's worth exploring this as the least worst option. Might even allow him to move out and you to downsize, if that's what you want, especially if everything does open up again for next academic year.

SnackSizeRaisin · 03/05/2021 23:51

Your son needs to apply for a student loan if he is able to. He won't have to pay it back unless he's earning a reasonable amount - it's not the same as other types of debt.
It would be far preferable to get a student loan than to try and work PT and compromise his grades. Does he have a welfare tutor at the college who can discuss this? Or a financial advice service? There must be someone there who knows the details and can tell him what the options are.

titchy · 04/05/2021 09:37

Look he (and you) need to grow up and behave responsibly. He can't decide not to claim what he's entitled to and expect you (and his father actually) to fund that decision and to get into debt as a result.

If he was unemployed and too proud to claim UC would you go 'there there I'll pay your rent'?

His loan repayments won't be any larger even if he does claim the maintenance loan. He needs to get his head around that.

voovayclickwot · 04/05/2021 10:13

DS needs to speak to his dad and say instead of games, can you give me a set amount (e.g. £300pm) so I can pay for my course, as I only receive a small bursary.

DS needs to pay board to you as you can't afford to live without it.

OP, are you getting council tax reduction as DS is still a student?

a8mint · 04/05/2021 12:01

I don't really understand. If his course is a fulltime University level course why hasn't he got a maintenance loan from student finance. Even the minimum loan will oay fir much more thanbooks and laptop. And if you are on a low incomeit willbe 8or 9 thousand.

titchy · 04/05/2021 13:23

@a8mint

Exactly. Not getting a maintenance loan and expecting your parents to fund you is I'm afraid only for the very wealthy.

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