Anyone else feel their life is just as messed up as when they were in their 20s

[rasberi9753wo]

posting in AIBU hoping I get a reply as no one ever replies to my threads lol. Not sure how this happened?! I’m probably being a bit negative. But I’m seriously at a crossroads in my life and I need change, but stuck knowing what is the best thing to do.
I'm a single mum 35, (3 kids) me and ex on decent terms. He pays minimal child support but pays on time and has children regularly as arranged
Things that are pissing me off.
◦ 1) house.

I’m privately renting. The house is cold, bits are falling apart, it all needs redecorating/upgrading. I pay a fortune (more than a third of my income) just on rent. My landlords are awful- moan about everything when they come round. Put my rent up by after oven broke. (Not my fault) They put me off reporting anything to them as it stresses me out dealing with them.
Heating is extortionate, probably cos I need heating on all the time I’ve been offered a brand new house nearby. Will pay 135 pound less a month on rent and can foresee myself saving on heating. Will be smaller but easier to maintain. Kids don’t want to move so that really puts me off. All kids would be able to stay at same school but dont want smaller rooms and don't want things to change. Also after cost of moving it probably won’t save me much until after one year.
Money.
I’ve been rubbish with money in the past but last few years much better. My credit isn’t great so I got a credit card to help increase my credit rating which it has. I pay it off fully each month and my credit limit is huge now.
I have three debts amounting to around 1500. I wrote to them today to offer a partial and final payment so I’m hoping I can be debt free. I want to buy a house eventually. I earn enough to do it but I need to save for a deposit and increase my credit rating which is difficult on my own. I can prob save about 500 a month now if I’m careful but would be more if I moved
Relationship with partner (don't live together) just feels a bit likes he's not into me that much. Don't know if I'm overthinking or if he's not bothered
◦ I wish i could just fuck off and leave and start again sometimes. I've not had an easy start to life but built my career from having nothing and being on benefits. Now I'm stuck
◦ Plus points to my life are my kids are great people, I have a good job (albeit stressful), i work full time. I guess I earn a decent wage for one person but keeping a house and children on my own it doesn’t feel much.
I'm healthy ish and kids are. I have some good friends who are supportive.

◦	I just want to make better decisions for my life going forward. I’m nearly half way through (if I’m lucky) and it all seems so unsettled still. 
◦	If you’ve got this far thanks. Any advice is appreciated. I have little support in real life I feel.

Yes! If anything it’s worse. I was reflecting on the fact I’ve been an adult for nearly 20 years and have so little to show for it. No kids and I’ve never been married which I’m so shocked and saddened by. Own home but on my own so quiet and empty. Career wise I should be further up than I am but I’m not. I’ve worked hard, tried to be a good person, but somehow I’ve not had the lucky breaks in life or love. Don’t get me wrong, pre Covid I had hobbies, travelled, great circle of friends etc but I just feel my adult life, creating a family of my own, having a good established career etc never really happened for me. And on paper I haven’t done anything different to my peers who it’s all worked out for. Life’s been a bit of a disappointment to be honest. I thought if you were clever, worked hard and were a good person things would just work out. Somehow I got stuck in a gig economy with flaky men who weren’t that into me. It’s been very different to how I pictured it all.

Btw the way, life expectancy for people our age is a lot higher than 70!

Oh thank you so much for replying to me! Yes I feel your frustration. Feel like I've always tried so hard but never quite got to the place my peers have got. Not settled in life or love. Scares me as I get older. I just thought things would just work out. Seems like my decisions along the way haven't worked for me.

I didn't own my own home until I was 37. I certainly don't have £500 a month disposable income that I could save. If you are trying to get better credit, and you can save £500 a month, then why not just pay the £1500 in debt? Asking for a settlement will just destroy your credit even more.

I bought my first house miles from wher ei previously lived as it was the only place I could afford. The kids got over it, even prefer it now. I say move, and focus on using the money you save for a despit in the next 5 years.

Thank you meme.
I hate doing anything against what my kids want. It makes me feel uneasy as it's just been the three of us. But they don't even have to change that much.
Yes I know I have to just pay the debt first, don't know why I haven't. Just things always come up like car expenses, holidays etc. I need to focus.

Youre still very young (im almost 50) so you have plenty of time to change things,, things dont always stay the same. If you feel your boyfriend isnt that into you, maybe finish with him, there could be someone else for your around the corner. I dont really know what else to say apart from hang on in there and things will become better. I am in much better place now than when i was in my 30s.

It's tough, I am a single parent of three. I have debt and I also like going on holiday far too much. I'm spending the next year concentrating on paying off my 0% credit cards and then (barring no urgent expenses) I should have some spare cash. I work 2 jobs, I'm perpetually exhausted and it's a struggle but you can do it of you focus.

Have you looked into shared ownership places. My brother bought a 25% stake for £5k deposit, which is so much more doable than a large deposit.

When you say offered a new house do you mean social housing? If so I think you should jump at the chance!

With covid plus brexit plus having three children to support on your wage, would you not feel more relaxed and settled in a secure tenancy? I think there are going to be some hard times coming, and your current landlords don't sound very helpful. And you could save more hopefully?

Sorry if I have the wrong end of the stick!

My position is different to yours, but I definitely feel like I haven't achieved half as much as I hoped or anticipated. It makes me quite sad and stressed sometimes.

Thank you I maybe will finish with him if he doesn't step up!
Think he's just so focused on work.
Yeah I'm hoping shared ownership might be the way forward. If I can save up some money I would like to do that. But I need to improve my credit rating. It's. It awful- I got a decent loan for a car this year. But it needs improving for a mortgage I think alongside a decent deposit.
I just don't know whether it's worth moving to save a bit not much a month when my kids seem so against it.

• it's not awful

Completely, nearly 40 no pension, struggle to make ends meet, no career. Feels completely rubbish.

Sowingbees at least it's not just us then. I have no pension either 😐

I can't completely relate but I would say you should make the house move. Your children will still go to the same school and it sounds like it's necessary for your own happiness / mental health to get out of the place you're in. Your kids will get used to it.

We are obsessed with home ownership in this country, why, I don't know. Many more folk rent in USA and Canada and no one seems to bother. The downside of home ownership are maintenance and repair bills. Re your relationship if you feel he's not that into you, why stay together? You really need to speak with him. Life is short, don't stay in an unhappy relationship for the sake of it. Just as an aside, I've always tried to prepare my children(now grown) for disappointment in life, as in you don't always get everything you want. Most people I know have hardship of some sort. You just need to try and take each day as it comes, moreso with this hellish Pandemic.

Thanks I'm just not sure at all. Moving would be a pain. Stressful on own. That's without kids not wanting to go. But the house would be warmer, I can eventually save more. I just always see us as a team, I never want to do things they don't agree with...sounds ridiculous but they are all nearly and teens. Wish I had someone to make decisions with me

Thanks gothichouse40
Just sometimes when I'm feeling negative like it's just me that's struggling. I know people are so much worse off.
I just want to make good choices for my future. Owning a house eventually seems the natural course. However renting a cheaper place that's more economical without the stress of landlords does too.
I just hate to disappoint my kids and would hate it if I made the wrong decision.
I have tried to talk to dp. He's oblivious. I guess that will come down to if he's not meeting my needs then I need to move on and go through that hurt.

@StayingAfloat21 yes social housing but not saving that much maybe 130 a month. But would feel more secure knowing I've not got horrible landlords who put the rent up for anything.
Do you really think it's the right thing to do?
I doubt myself so much lately

Move to the other house for a start. Who cares what the DC say? They're not the ones paying the bills, plus they're children and so don't have the wisdom to know what's best for them (which isn't living in a shitty house with bad landlord and stressed mum), so as parent make the decision that you're moving and tell them it's happening.

I hear you with the messed up life, mine didn't go as planned either. It's ok though. Just got to make the best of where you are, you've got some plusses so need to build on it is all. You've done well to get this far.

Child of a single parent here. My mum tried to make us a team but it would have been good if she could have been the adult actually. Your move sounds like a really positive thing for you! Warm home, costing less without difficult landlords. You won’t realise how stressful your present situation is until you move on. Many people find change hard but your kids might appreciate a less stressed mum and more money each month. Perhaps you could win them over by letting them design their new rooms? You sound like you are doing really well to me though! It is never helpful to compare yourself to others but better to yourself 5/10 years ago. What have you learnt about yourself since then?

£1,560 a year is worth saving!

New rent saves "only" £130 a month?!

Can you really think of nothing to do with £1560 per year that will improve your life?

Plus secure tenancy and affordable rent so no stress of homelessness whatever the future holds. No brainer. Move!

The new model of shared ownership comes into play now. have you considered that? I work in social housing and its meaning single people on low incomes can afford to buy their house (bigger than they previously would have been able to afford) and have the secure tenancy and be able to take advantage of house price growth on your share at least.
they've also sorted out a few of the downsides such as giving 990 year leases, no ground rents etc. of you are able to save £500 a month it sounds like you might be earning more than enough to take that route..

@rasberi9753wo Secure tenancy would win hands down for me any day!

Having secure housing, that you can't suddenly be asked to leave from or have your rent jacked up, is a huge advantage.

Thank you it actually makes me feel so much more positive about moving.
@molojoko do you think it is even if it takes me a few months (moving cost) to make it up?
@Sparrowfeeder thank you for saying that- I've never thought of it that way before. I am the adult but I do anything to protect my children from hurt (as we all do) but maybe I just need to do what's best for us it just feels very difficult to go against their feelings/wants.
Thanks @AmberItsACertainty I do think I maybe am pandering to them too much when they aren't adults in my position. I want what's best for everyone.

@rasberi9753wo

Thanks I'm just not sure at all. Moving would be a pain. Stressful on own. That's without kids not wanting to go. But the house would be warmer, I can eventually save more. I just always see us as a team, I never want to do things they don't agree with...sounds ridiculous but they are all nearly and teens. Wish I had someone to make decisions with me

As a child who's mum was like this, please step up and parent. Its incredibly stressful being expected to make major life decisions when you're only a child and probably only having half the information to do it with (I'm guessing you shield them from how stressed and ground down you are). Don't put this kind of decision making on your kids. Children's brains shouldn't have to make adult choices.