Anyone else feel their life is just as messed up as when they were in their 20s

[rasberi9753wo]

posting in AIBU hoping I get a reply as no one ever replies to my threads lol. Not sure how this happened?! I’m probably being a bit negative. But I’m seriously at a crossroads in my life and I need change, but stuck knowing what is the best thing to do.
I'm a single mum 35, (3 kids) me and ex on decent terms. He pays minimal child support but pays on time and has children regularly as arranged
Things that are pissing me off.
◦ 1) house.

I’m privately renting. The house is cold, bits are falling apart, it all needs redecorating/upgrading. I pay a fortune (more than a third of my income) just on rent. My landlords are awful- moan about everything when they come round. Put my rent up by after oven broke. (Not my fault) They put me off reporting anything to them as it stresses me out dealing with them.
Heating is extortionate, probably cos I need heating on all the time I’ve been offered a brand new house nearby. Will pay 135 pound less a month on rent and can foresee myself saving on heating. Will be smaller but easier to maintain. Kids don’t want to move so that really puts me off. All kids would be able to stay at same school but dont want smaller rooms and don't want things to change. Also after cost of moving it probably won’t save me much until after one year.
Money.
I’ve been rubbish with money in the past but last few years much better. My credit isn’t great so I got a credit card to help increase my credit rating which it has. I pay it off fully each month and my credit limit is huge now.
I have three debts amounting to around 1500. I wrote to them today to offer a partial and final payment so I’m hoping I can be debt free. I want to buy a house eventually. I earn enough to do it but I need to save for a deposit and increase my credit rating which is difficult on my own. I can prob save about 500 a month now if I’m careful but would be more if I moved
Relationship with partner (don't live together) just feels a bit likes he's not into me that much. Don't know if I'm overthinking or if he's not bothered
◦ I wish i could just fuck off and leave and start again sometimes. I've not had an easy start to life but built my career from having nothing and being on benefits. Now I'm stuck
◦ Plus points to my life are my kids are great people, I have a good job (albeit stressful), i work full time. I guess I earn a decent wage for one person but keeping a house and children on my own it doesn’t feel much.
I'm healthy ish and kids are. I have some good friends who are supportive.

◦	I just want to make better decisions for my life going forward. I’m nearly half way through (if I’m lucky) and it all seems so unsettled still. 
◦	If you’ve got this far thanks. Any advice is appreciated. I have little support in real life I feel.

I think you're doing well. I remember a stage in my life when I really knuckled down and got to grips with reality. It is a slog isnt it! Endless working, saving, doing what needs to be done.

You may be facing tough issues now, but the work, honesty and commitment you show now will pay dividends in the future. No matter how hard the reality might be, it is far better to know it and work from it.

Maybe change your thinking about the man and frame him as a FWB, going g nowhere but the odd good time. Then you can focus on getting your shit together, your home, health, kids exams, your career. Years will pass and you'll be glad and proud, and capable. It is good to assess one's decision making and to get a sober head about things. X

@Bigwave I'm hoping to go the shared ownership route once I've saved 8- 10000. Would love a chance to own my own house just to have the stability.
Feel so stuck because if I had a good deposit or even if I was with someone looking to buy I'd be in a better position. But paying so much private rent each month stops me from saving so much ad improving my life. Maybe I should just go for this social house, least I will have stability and can slowly save

[quote StayingAfloat21]@rasberi9753wo Secure tenancy would win hands down for me any day!

Having secure housing, that you can't suddenly be asked to leave from or have your rent jacked up, is a huge advantage.[/quote]
Its the safety net of unemployment too. Local housing allowance for private rent is capped and usually not enough to pay the rent, so part of your job seeker allowance has to pay the rent too, making it a struggle for food and utilities. In social housing the rent doesn't exceed housing benefit so if you're unemployed in the future you'll have more ready cash for life's essentials OP.

@AmberItsACertainty thank you so much. I needed to hear that and I'm so glad I posted that now. None of my friends have said that to me x

not sure where you live but you may need a lot less if you wanted to now. with the recent changes you can buy a 10% share to start off with now so would only need the 5% -10%deposit on that. where i am that would be £1.5-3k deposit on a 300k house.

@something2say yes I do need to knuckle down some what and focus on what I need to achieve.
Yes about the man...it's either going one way or the other. But it shouldn't be hard I guess.
I want to forward five years and hope I'm where I want to be

@Bigwave I'm in the midlands and all the shared ownership ones I've seen require ten percent. Cheapest I've seen is on a 50000 house so five grand deposit plus expenses. I'm looking to save at least ten hopefully in the next two years and improve my credit rating

50000 for the share *

keep an eye ober next few weeks/months as the changes have only happened in the last 2 weeks and most housing associations haven't started listing their properties under the new requirements yet.

@Bigwave thank you I will do

I think you are being really hard on yourself. You sound very mature to me.
Debt - you are handling it and making good choices to rid yourself of it.
Ex- you are on good terms with him which is more than a lot of people can say
DC - are happy. Nothing is more important than that.
You have good job and good friends. that is someone doing well in their mid-life.
So you are renting - so what? It's only Brits who are obsessed with home ownership. Half the world rents without worry.
Your house needs renovation - join the club! Again, so what? Bit frustrating but life has its frustrations. You have a good job, lovely kids, a reasonable relationship with your ex and you are sorting out your debts. You deserve a pat on the back. I was all over the place in my mid thirties - no DC though I desperately wanted them, and struggling to establish myself in a new career.

It's funny you should post this because late last night when I absolutely should not be dwelling on these things, I was asking myself how it is possible that I majorly fucked up something in my life at age 40 when I made enough mistakes and poor choices in my 20's to last a lifetime! Didn't seem as dire this morning, thankfully.
Anyway, nothing to be gained by either of us comparing lives, or comparison with anyone else at anytime but I think you have a lot of good things going on actually. The house thing - I would move as fast as I could; don't give those awful sounding landlords anymore of your hard earned cash. The kids will get used to it especially since they don't have to change schools. To be fair they are probably not aware of the issues and that's because you're a good mum! This partner you speak of - hmm hard to say but I imagine he'll show his true colours and he may well turn out to be the one before the One or the one before the One before the ONE!😁
The real gold is the life you have built for you and your children. Being a parent is difficult and being a single parent double that at least.
The two things you mentioned - getting off benefits and building up your career are massive wins and should be celebrated as such. You really are doing ever so well in life OP and I think you have the potential to make all your dreams come true.

Can I just add my voice to those who are saying take the new house! A secure tenancy will make a huge difference to your wellbeing, I am sure and it also makes financial sense.

Good luck OP. Don't be so hard on yourself, you have achieved a lot. You have lovely children and a good job, that's a solid foundation to build on.

@Cowbells thank you so much that's very kind. I guess I'm comparing myself to friends. And i feel so far from what I want to achieve and no idea how I got this old and feel I don't have anything. Which I know I have so much, I just want a house and to be financially secure for my children.
Maybe I am being too hard on myself though

@Wishingwell75 thank you for your post. It actually brought a tear to my eye to think that someone thinks I'm doing ok. I really hope so. I really want to make good decisions from now on in all areas of my life.

@Savethegrammies thank you. I hope so. It's good to get an outsiders opinion on if I'm making the right decision and also good that you feel I've achieved so much when I feel I haven't really.

I think you should move. I appreciate you want to consider your children’s feelings, but they cannot see the whole picture at their age and look to you to be the adult and to make the adult decisions. They will appreciate the warmer house and the stability and if you are happier they will be too. I say go for it. I don’t think you will regret it.

I would definitely take the new house.
I think so much stress will disappear if you have a stable, safe, warm home.
Your children will adjust.
Great idea by PP to let them design their new bedrooms.

[quote rasberi9753wo]@StayingAfloat21 yes social housing but not saving that much maybe 130 a month. But would feel more secure knowing I've not got horrible landlords who put the rent up for anything.
Do you really think it's the right thing to do?
I doubt myself so much lately [/quote]
I really do , even just with the saving.
Better conditions , kids won't understand that.

Thanks @JSL52 @Cottagepieandpeas @Thomasina79
I'm definitely thinking more positive about it now. I never got in my head that I'm the adult and I need to make the decisions- sounds so ridiculous but I just want them all to be happy. I also find it hard making decisions anyway. I have this week to make my final decision on this.

op definitely move, the savings alone will make a big difference, and to be warm and have the security of not having a bad landlord is massive.
Trust your judgement, explain to your dcs how the above is important and that is what will happen and it is going to be fine.

I think you are very wise to buy as soon as possible as that is the only way to secure your future, rents go up, mortgages don't and eventually get paid off.

Keep working steadily on your credit history, experian have a really good advisory service to identify how best to improve your score....
You seem well thought out to me.

Thanks @Dragongirl10 I'm really thinking of doing it now after reading yours and everyone else's replies.

You know what, OP, when I read your post I was actually really impressed by how together and organised you seem.

You’ve really honed in on exactly what’s bothering you and which things need fixing. Do you realise what a rare skill that is?

Life really sucks sometimes, and being an adult is a pain in the arse, but you have a plan to deal with every one of your problems.

I think you’re just feeling the fear of enacting those perfectly sensible plans.

We moved a few times as kids and we always winged about it, but it did us no harm. Your children will be absolutely fine, you’re doing what’s best for you all and they don’t get a say on living arrangements until they’re paying for them. Toughen up.

You’re very close to being out of debt - brilliant work.

The man sounds a bit sub-par to be honest. Is he worth it? I’d sack him off, life’s too short.

Keep up the good work, OP. You’re actually in a much better place than many, and clearly have the life skills to make the best of your opportunities.

*whinged, obv

I would give various body parts for social housing, OP. Having a secure tenancy is worth a lot and that's before considering the cheaper rent.

I recently moved from one terrible, freezing privately rented flat to a much better, warmer flat and my quality of life has improved tenfold. The downside is I pay a fair bit more in rent but it's still worth it. If it was a cheaper, social housing flat then I would have basically won the lottery.