Anyone else feel their life is just as messed up as when they were in their 20s

[rasberi9753wo]

posting in AIBU hoping I get a reply as no one ever replies to my threads lol. Not sure how this happened?! I’m probably being a bit negative. But I’m seriously at a crossroads in my life and I need change, but stuck knowing what is the best thing to do.
I'm a single mum 35, (3 kids) me and ex on decent terms. He pays minimal child support but pays on time and has children regularly as arranged
Things that are pissing me off.
◦ 1) house.

I’m privately renting. The house is cold, bits are falling apart, it all needs redecorating/upgrading. I pay a fortune (more than a third of my income) just on rent. My landlords are awful- moan about everything when they come round. Put my rent up by after oven broke. (Not my fault) They put me off reporting anything to them as it stresses me out dealing with them.
Heating is extortionate, probably cos I need heating on all the time I’ve been offered a brand new house nearby. Will pay 135 pound less a month on rent and can foresee myself saving on heating. Will be smaller but easier to maintain. Kids don’t want to move so that really puts me off. All kids would be able to stay at same school but dont want smaller rooms and don't want things to change. Also after cost of moving it probably won’t save me much until after one year.
Money.
I’ve been rubbish with money in the past but last few years much better. My credit isn’t great so I got a credit card to help increase my credit rating which it has. I pay it off fully each month and my credit limit is huge now.
I have three debts amounting to around 1500. I wrote to them today to offer a partial and final payment so I’m hoping I can be debt free. I want to buy a house eventually. I earn enough to do it but I need to save for a deposit and increase my credit rating which is difficult on my own. I can prob save about 500 a month now if I’m careful but would be more if I moved
Relationship with partner (don't live together) just feels a bit likes he's not into me that much. Don't know if I'm overthinking or if he's not bothered
◦ I wish i could just fuck off and leave and start again sometimes. I've not had an easy start to life but built my career from having nothing and being on benefits. Now I'm stuck
◦ Plus points to my life are my kids are great people, I have a good job (albeit stressful), i work full time. I guess I earn a decent wage for one person but keeping a house and children on my own it doesn’t feel much.
I'm healthy ish and kids are. I have some good friends who are supportive.

◦	I just want to make better decisions for my life going forward. I’m nearly half way through (if I’m lucky) and it all seems so unsettled still. 
◦	If you’ve got this far thanks. Any advice is appreciated. I have little support in real life I feel.

@YesItsAPeacock thanks! I need to be told to toughen up and be a parent. I need to realise these are my decisions as a parent not theirs. We have missed out on some opportunities over the years as I felt I was putting their needs first. But it feels very scary...I feel I always need them on my side- ridiculous really!
Yes about the man...I may have to. Will break my heart but I need to feel worth it. What's the point otherwise I will always be questioning things.

Thanks @misselphaba I get so pissed off sitting in my living room freezing in the middle of summer- it's warmer to go outside. In winter I just go to bed early as it's warm upstairs. I need to look at these positives of moving. Smaller house, kids not happy about it and smaller rooms but oh to not feel bloody cold all the time when you're paying a fortune on rent

the lack of decent and affordable housing puts all but the well off on the back foot, it's just wrong and a failure of govt!
A decent, adequate, secure home is a basic need in life, just like healthcare and education. It's difficult to flourish and fulfil your potential if you have to struggle to get the very basic things that a wealthy modern country should make available to all

@Miasicarisatia completely agree!
Austerity and the government have made getting on the housing ladder ridiculously hard these days😢

I’m chiming in to say that I think you should move too.

Your children will get used to the idea, I’m sure. I bet you will be happier there and that will filter on to them, tell them the benefits, be honest about the situation if you want, if they’re nearly teens they’ll understand but at the end of the day you’re the parent, you know you are making the best decision. Can you maybe try picturing yourself a year down the line, happy in a house you’ve made your own vs freezing in a broken house that the landlord could decide to sell and you’ve turned down this property? You’d be silly to.

I don’t think you’re giving yourself enough credit, you sound like a good mum who is working hard to give her kids a nice life.

@ComeTheFuck0nBridget
Thanks. I think in a way the new house is not as nice in my kids minds as our house now.
They don't get the things I get.
My house is big (and cold). We have a lovely large garden (which I don't have time to keep nice) they all have double bedrooms. (Two will have to share in new house)
But the oven broke and then the landlords fixed it and then put my rent up.
They told me off for not cutting bushes In back garden. And having the toilet seats up.
I need to toughen up and make the right decision for me and kids. Even if they don't like it I guess.
I have to decide by next Monday.
I want to save. Have my own house. I feel if I move it might be hassle and stress everyone (kids) out when it will only potentially save me 1500 a year.
At same time I think it's a positive thing to do

[quote rasberi9753wo]@StayingAfloat21 yes social housing but not saving that much maybe 130 a month. But would feel more secure knowing I've not got horrible landlords who put the rent up for anything.
Do you really think it's the right thing to do?
I doubt myself so much lately [/quote]
Please go for the social housing you can save the £600 per month, you will be more secure and I imagine the house will be more comfortable and warm. I think I would tell the kids the landlord could sell it anyway so moving now is the best long term secure option.

Did your parents consult you about where you would like to live? I bet they didn't! When they're paying their own rent/heating they can live anywhere they choose. Until then, what you say goes. So their mother wants a warm house ... if that's the worst blow in their spoiled little lives, they'll get over it!

You’ve been offered social housing when you earn enough for a mortgage (albeit unable to get one without a deposit) and you’re currently safely housed?

In my area, someone in your circumstance would never real the top of the social housing list. Ever.

I would bite their bloody hand off before rules changed!

Secure social housing, for a decent house, £130 less than you’re paying now.

You’d have to be absolutely off your rocker not to take it!

Btw, even in small rooms there are creative options for splitting them in two. It’s a 3 bed, right? Pick the biggest room and split it.

Honestly, I’d just tell the kids tough luck -secure tenancy trumps all. But, if you have to, lie - tell them rent’s gone up again and you can’t afford it 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm 40 with three kids and have had no choice but to privately rent for seven years. I do have a partner and we both work ft but on crap wages! I do feel very keenly there is still a stigma attached to renting (especially at our ages of 40 and 46) but we don't earn enough between us to be considered for a mortgage for the size of house we'd be looking at (3 bed min).

I'd move, from what you've said it seems to make more sense. I can understand you'd rather have your children on side but they're kids and can't make adult decisions you know what's best for you all.

I started off reading your title and thinking 'yes, I do feel like that' (childless and with nothing to show for my life at 33) but after reading your post- you are so much further on in your life than I am!

You have a successful career, have raised a family and seem to be doing well! Maybe your 20-something self would probably be proud of the person you've become?

@rasberi9753wo

Thanks *@JSL52* *@Cottagepieandpeas* *@Thomasina79* I'm definitely thinking more positive about it now. I never got in my head that I'm the adult and I need to make the decisions- sounds so ridiculous but I just want them all to be happy. I also find it hard making decisions anyway. I have this week to make my final decision on this.

I'm sure they'll be happy if you are. Home is where Mummy is.

Definitely, probably worse. In my 20s I had a bit of hope - study and work hard and I'd have made something of myself, I thought. Didn't quite work out like that. Couldn't finish studies, a constant disaster in workplaces always having to move on before I was pushed. Nowhere near normal life milestones even in my mid 40s. But at least now I know why - I have late diagnosed ADHD. Inattentive, lack of focus, scared to start things, go off kilter in the middle and rush to finish them - if at all. I just thought I was a crap adult but obviously it's much more than that.

Which is why I too rent (I have a deposit but I'm scared of the job situation), I don't have a career (I'll probably end up being told I'm not suitable for this current role either) and am not married. At least in my 20s I had my looks and a bit of optimism to go on. I have neither now.

You sound like you're on the right track, OP. Good luck!

If there's only one double room in the new house OP it's yours! Never mind if the DC have to share, that's life. It will make moving out into a shared house seem like an improvement to them. Instead of living at home until their thirties saving for a mortgage so they can skip the rental stage, which is what they'll want to do if it's too comfortable at home.

Once they've flown the nest you'll be able to buy a flat or a small two bed house for yourself and still have a guest room if one DC comes home for a visit or an emergency. It'll be more achievable than trying to buy a huge house for all of you to live in luxury. You're only affording to rent something this size at the moment because its shit. Ten years in the new house you'd have saved £15600 deposit just in saved rental costs.

Agree with PP. This new house sounds a much better idea. We own but will be moving when DS2 has finished school - and already both are guilt tripping us, going on about losing the house where they grew up. Yes. ,they won’t like the smaller rooms and sharing but you need to insist it’s the better option, or claim it’s the only option if that makes it easier.
Don’t ask them , just tell them the situation, or slightly tweaked, if you need to. You need to prioritise your housing situation and a secure tenancy sounds much better and they won’t have to move schools.

Tell the children that more money a month might mean a few more treats for them each month ( new club or maybe a meal out when we are allowed or something similar)
Your doing so well. Three children and working full time is exhausting . Having a secure tenancy will make life so much easier and cheaper in the fuel bills too, not to mention ditching the tight landlord! If they can stay in their current school that's a huge plus.
The children will adapt to the new place. They might even like it.
Hope it works out for you and maybe also ditch the boyfriend and find someone a bit more positive!

Hope these responses are helping you OP. I would definitely move to secure rented. It is so much better to rent from the council as they will do repairs and be helpful! You will be saving extra rent money and on bills as it sounds like your current home has lots of issues. You are the head of your family and you are able to make this decision. It will be a good life lesson for your children to realise that slightly smaller rooms now will improve their overall quality of life. You will be able to improve your credit rating and you can save a massive amount each month if you put your mind to it. I manage to save 150 most months. Ditch the boyfriend if he is no good. Good Luck!