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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you report family?

62 replies

Pasqual · 26/04/2021 18:40

An older member of DHs family has been diagnosed with vascular dementia.
They are having real problems with recalling any information from the present but will happily talk about things that happened 30 years ago as if it's current.

I'm concerned that they are still driving, my DH and his immediate family agrees, however the wider family are happy to let them continue as usually there is a passenger in the car who can direct them.

We've just been told that they took the car out themselves at the weekend, was gone for 2 hours but has no recollection of where they were. They left the house unlocked and took no phone with them.

I'm really starting to get concerned for not only their safety but for others too.
No one else is doing anything about it as they don't want to be the 'bad guy'. I have no idea if they have reported their diagnoses to the DVLA

So my question is, would you anonymously report a family member that you don't believe is safe to be driving?

Yabu - don't report family
Yanbu- report them

OP posts:
PinkCookie11 · 26/04/2021 18:42

Yes. It’s the family member in question safety.
They have no idea where they went, anything could happen to them or someone else and could end up horrendously.

OverTheRubicon · 26/04/2021 18:44

Absolutely report them.

SausageRoll2020 · 26/04/2021 18:44

Yes, you need to report them.

The sad reality is that there is an increased risk they could end up injuring or killing themselves or another person.

Dementia is such a cruel illness, but by reporting this you will be doing the right thing and in no way be "the bad guy" although totally understand your desire to keep this anonymous to save any family drama.

Rupertbeartrousers · 26/04/2021 18:45

How would you feel if they caused a fatal accident and someone could have prevented it? In fact, someone at home needs to take the car and keys away as well.

Onesnowynight · 26/04/2021 18:45

It’s not just their safety it’s every other person on the road and pavement that are also at risk.

HepLaurenceLB · 26/04/2021 18:45

Are you going to wait until after they kill someone?

Merryoldgoat · 26/04/2021 18:48

I’d report and also hide their key.

ImInStealthMode · 26/04/2021 18:48

Without question. I wouldn't simply 'report' them either which feels like passing the buck. If I thought they were a danger to them-self or others I'd simply remove the keys and / or the car. Any amount of fighting about it is better than the alternative.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 26/04/2021 18:49

How could you not.

We were about to report our family member. That persoun should have lost licence years ago... Fate interfered in our case and they injured their ankle. Nothing serious but just enough to stop them driving long enough to stop completely. They still have the licence. And the car. But just don't drive it

osbertthesyrianhamster · 26/04/2021 18:49

In this case, YES. Don't wait till he kills someone.

HermioneWeasley · 26/04/2021 18:53

Report and remove his keys. He’ll kill himself and/or someone else

BanginChoons · 26/04/2021 18:54

Yes I would, and I wouldn't feel the need to do it anonymously either.

MagnoliaBeige · 26/04/2021 18:54

Without question I’d report. It sounds like the driver may not be able to assess their ability to drive safely, the rest of the family clearly are able to and would just just as culpable, in my eyes, if there was an accident or worse.

Original poster
Pasqual · 26/04/2021 18:55

Not in a position to hide the key - without giving too much away it's distant family. If it was immediate family I would intervene further.

I've never been in the car with them and haven't seen them since before lockdown.

There are other people who could do more but seem to be turning a blind eye which is why I'm wanting to report.

I will write to the DVLA

OP posts:
Whysotired · 26/04/2021 18:55

100% report. For there safety and others. And remove the keys if you can. Don’t feel bad, it honestly is the right thing to do. Everyone who doesn’t want them to stop driving is selfish xx

CormoranStrike · 26/04/2021 18:55

I’d take the car keys home with me too!

BrilliantBetty · 26/04/2021 18:56

You wouldn't be the bad guy, you'd be the good guy. Keeping the relative and others safer on the roads.

minniemomo · 26/04/2021 18:56

I've removed the keys in the past from a family member and reported parishioners to the dvla who had no family

MarcelinesMa · 26/04/2021 18:59

Absolutely report them. They’re a liability to themselves and others around them when they are behind the wheel.

ProperVexed · 26/04/2021 19:03

Report...police and d la and their gp if you know them.
I had similar problem when FIL was diagnosed with dementia and told not to drive. MIL and two of her educated and professsons encouraged him to keep driving. I protested and reported and was ostracised for years.
I did the right thing...no one died with him at the wheel.
I would do it again.

ProperVexed · 26/04/2021 19:04

"DVLA"

PhatPhanny · 26/04/2021 19:08

I did, to a person at the end of our street.

I didn't even question it, they could kill someone.

dotdashdashdash · 26/04/2021 19:09

I report people as part of my job. I always give family members who haven't a stern talking to. It's keeping everyone safe, your family member as well as other road users.

LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 26/04/2021 19:09

Report yes totally

kiwiPlumapple · 26/04/2021 19:10

Report immediately
They could kill someone