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AIBU?

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Original poster

To take more time off??

57 replies

PJmasksandwineplz · 26/04/2021 11:26

Long read

Hoping for some anonymous help here as sometimes talking to a stranger is best...

27th December my dad went into hospital, during his time there which was almost 3 months he died twice and was revived, I stay about an hour away and was called down on several occasions.

12th March dad gets home on palliative care so I leave my partner and 2 year old son to help my older siblings ( 1 brother and 2 sisters who have disabilities) care for dad - whilst there I done round the clock care for dad and slept in the living room with him, the only thing I couldn't do was personal care if he needed the toilet.

26th March I sit and hold dads hand tight until he takes his very last breath and peacefully passes away.

In the weeks since me and my brother have planned every part of his funeral, called several places to register his death etc and had so much to sort out. On Friday just gone my oldest sister was diagnosed with breast cancer and we've discovered we aren't entitled to any help towards funeral costs. I'm struggling with all this mentally and cannot cope with the thought of going back to work as selfish as it sounds the time I'm currently having with my partner and son is helping me without me realising.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 26/04/2021 11:31

I’m so very sorry for your loss. Flowers

It’s a stressful thing to care for someone ill over a long period of time like that, with all the ups and downs, and your sister’s news will be awful for you too.

If you need more time you can be signed off by the doctor. It’s not an ‘unreasonable’ thing really, if you need it.

Are your work sympathetic? How much time have you had off already, can you afford it and will it affect you even more negatively if you are stressed about security? Those are all things to consider.

CirclesWithinCircles · 26/04/2021 11:36

Lots of people have to deal with this kind of thing, although it doesnt make it any easier, but the last thing you need is to get in trouble at your work or have a reduced income. I found staying in the routine if work really helped me when my mum died. I was single, I'm an only child and when she died from cancer, I had to arrange the cremation, funeral, death certificate, gathering in of the estate, closing bank accounts, house clearance, etc entirely alone, because my father had died some years earlier.

It's just part of life, unfortunately. It is very stressful.

Original poster
PJmasksandwineplz · 26/04/2021 11:37

I don't feel I've had enough time to fully take things in, dads funeral was only 2 weeks ago and every day since I've done everything I physically can to stop myself from sitting down to prevent the thoughts I try to block out creeping in.

Yes the news about my sister broke my heart more so because she had to go through it alone as due to restrictions we couldn't go to the appointment with her.

My work have been amazing and have advised to take as long as I need, financially I'd be alright to continue taking time off, I'm just so confused and lost

OP posts:
Original poster
PJmasksandwineplz · 26/04/2021 11:39

@CirclesWithinCircles I get how that feels, we lost my mother a few years back too and we literally didn't have the first idea what we were doing.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 26/04/2021 11:56

You do need to give yourself some time if you feel you need it. But also there is a lot of value in keeping to a routine so perhaps plan to discuss with work a phased return, maybe? This week off, next week 2 days (already a bank holiday week), week after 3 days etc?

Original poster
PJmasksandwineplz · 26/04/2021 11:59

I have sort of been keeping to a routine with my son as he hasn't started nursery yet so this has kept me going and once he goes go bed I keep myself going with housework (forcing myself not to sit down as mentioned before)

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 26/04/2021 12:04

I'm so sorry for your loss and your sisters news.

Are you currently on sick leave, unpaid leave or compassionate leave? If sick leave, then really as long as the GP is happy to sign you off with stress etc you don't need to justify to anyone why you're off.

The question for me would be what's the plan going forward? You say you're stopping yourself dealing with it but sounds like you don't want to go back until you deal with it. What will be different between now and a month's time? Or two months?

Is a proper career break an option? Either them holding the job open but recruiting for a set time or you leaving and then looking for work again in the future?

Is your DP working? If it's just you three home all day together that bubble might feel very safe but you need to know how to move forward

Jizzle · 26/04/2021 12:05

Everyone is different, but i don't think i would be too pleased if i was your employer. This was not an out of the blue death, you had plenty of time to get used to the idea that it was about to happen. To be honest, our policy at work is two days off after the death of a close family member and i would personally think any more than that is kind of taking the piss.

Original poster
PJmasksandwineplz · 26/04/2021 12:10

I was on sick leave and due back today but my systems were down so couldn't get logged on.

I know I need to deal with things but I'm not good at opening up and reaching out to anyone, I just told my DP I'm glad my systems are down as I don't feel ready for work (I WFH) and his reply was "you'll be ok, wait until a day your systems work and see how it goes"

He's currently dealing with chronic muscular spinal issues and doesn't sleep too good so I have no option but to get up and crack on with things when in reality all I want to do is shut off the outside world, curl into a ball and be left alone

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 26/04/2021 12:13

Have you been off since mid March, OP? And do you usually work full-time or part-time? I’m just wondering how they’re covering your role atm.

As I say, if I were you I’d look to speaking with them to discuss a phased return because that will help you get back into the swing of things in a gentle way, not all at once.

Life goes on for the living, even when we’re grieving and shell-shocked. It’s great to treat yourself with compassion, but also to be realistic about practicalities like employment etc.

WrongKindOfFace · 26/04/2021 12:14

@Jizzle

Everyone is different, but i don't think i would be too pleased if i was your employer. This was not an out of the blue death, you had plenty of time to get used to the idea that it was about to happen. To be honest, our policy at work is two days off after the death of a close family member and i would personally think any more than that is kind of taking the piss.
Fucking hell, have you had a compassion bypass?

Op, the idea of a phased return is a good one. Does your work offer a counselling service? If so it might help to speak with someone?

Original poster
PJmasksandwineplz · 26/04/2021 12:14

@Jizzle have you ever lost anyone? It's not something you get used to! regardless of how long we had to prepare it was my father, my best friend and the only parent I had left this is something I feel I will never get used to

OP posts:
Original poster
PJmasksandwineplz · 26/04/2021 12:17

@NoSquirrels I've been off since the 14th of March and I work p/t its for a call centre so always plenty of staff to cover the workload. I definitely think I'll mention a phased return to my manger and see what they suggest cause this morning was too much at once

OP posts:
sunflowersandbuttercups · 26/04/2021 12:18

@Jizzle

Everyone is different, but i don't think i would be too pleased if i was your employer. This was not an out of the blue death, you had plenty of time to get used to the idea that it was about to happen. To be honest, our policy at work is two days off after the death of a close family member and i would personally think any more than that is kind of taking the piss.
What a horribly insensitive post. That was a totally unnecessary thing to say to someone who lost a parent a month ago.

OP - take all the time you need. Ring your GP and get yourself signed off for a couple of weeks - take a breather and look after YOU for a little bit. It's okay. There are no prizes in life for martyring yourself to a job.

I'm so sorry for your loss and for your sisters' diagnosis. Please look after yourself - it's okay that you're not okay right now. Flowers

Original poster
PJmasksandwineplz · 26/04/2021 12:21

I'm majorly struggling today but no one knows it! If I don't deal with things i dread the day I blow and let things take hold of me

OP posts:
Mellonsprite · 26/04/2021 12:23

Hi OP, sorry for your loss.
I too wonder whether a phased return might be better for you, have you asked? It would have the benefit if keeping you in the loop, and gradually increase time at work, but not be as full on as a your normal hours?
It is important to keep a routine and I do think this helps, although there’s no set time in which you feel better, everyone is different. I guess it also depends on your job and what you are doing?
A phased return will also give you time at home to sort out all the other practical admin arrangements that come with a death such as bank accounts, utilities etc.

LolaSmiles · 26/04/2021 12:25

Everyone is different, but i don't think i would be too pleased if i was your employer. This was not an out of the blue death, you had plenty of time to get used to the idea that it was about to happen. To be honest, our policy at work is two days off after the death of a close family member and i would personally think any more than that is kind of taking the piss

Taking the piss to be off work more than 48 hours for a distressing personal situation?

Thankfully many bosses have something known as compassion

Original poster
PJmasksandwineplz · 26/04/2021 12:25

I've been working from home nearly a year now and I think I'm too safe in this environment as it means I have no reason to leave my bubble

OP posts:
L41K4 · 26/04/2021 12:25

@Jizzle

Everyone is different, but i don't think i would be too pleased if i was your employer. This was not an out of the blue death, you had plenty of time to get used to the idea that it was about to happen. To be honest, our policy at work is two days off after the death of a close family member and i would personally think any more than that is kind of taking the piss.
Wow @Jizzle. I sincerely hope you are no ones employer, ever. What a horrific point of view.
idontlikealdi · 26/04/2021 12:26

I was due to start a new job the day after my dad died, they gave me three weeks compassionate leave and I didn't ask for it.

If you need more time you need more time but, do you need support, in terms of anti depressants / counselling. See the GP and get signed off if you need to. I wouldn't be a martyr to a pt call centre job.

ilovesooty · 26/04/2021 12:29

@Jizzle

Everyone is different, but i don't think i would be too pleased if i was your employer. This was not an out of the blue death, you had plenty of time to get used to the idea that it was about to happen. To be honest, our policy at work is two days off after the death of a close family member and i would personally think any more than that is kind of taking the piss.
What an appallingly insensitive and unhelpful comment.

@PJmasksandwineplz you should take as much time as you feel you need. If this needs to be sick leave so be it. I'm glad to hear your employer is supportive. Grief impacts on everyone differently.

Original poster
PJmasksandwineplz · 26/04/2021 12:29

I'm not even sure tbh I'm convinced everyone I try to talk to knows what's best for me and they just expect me to go back to work and carry on as normal

OP posts:
Original poster
PJmasksandwineplz · 26/04/2021 12:30

@ilovesooty thank you I'm stuck in a rut as I physically don't know what to do

OP posts:
nellly · 26/04/2021 12:34

You poor thing, I tbink phased return is definitely the best idea. After a very traumatic time I was daunted by the idea of returning to 'normal' but once I did start it actually really helped. Hope you feel the same and things seem more positive soon Thanks

ilovesooty · 26/04/2021 12:35

@PJmasksandwineplz it's an awful feeling of stuckness when everyone else thinks they know what's best for you.

If you know you aren't ready yet, then you aren't ready. I do think it would be helpful to discuss a phased return when you do feel ready.