To take more time off??

[PJmasksandwineplz]

Long read

Hoping for some anonymous help here as sometimes talking to a stranger is best...

27th December my dad went into hospital, during his time there which was almost 3 months he died twice and was revived, I stay about an hour away and was called down on several occasions.

12th March dad gets home on palliative care so I leave my partner and 2 year old son to help my older siblings ( 1 brother and 2 sisters who have disabilities) care for dad - whilst there I done round the clock care for dad and slept in the living room with him, the only thing I couldn't do was personal care if he needed the toilet.

26th March I sit and hold dads hand tight until he takes his very last breath and peacefully passes away.

In the weeks since me and my brother have planned every part of his funeral, called several places to register his death etc and had so much to sort out. On Friday just gone my oldest sister was diagnosed with breast cancer and we've discovered we aren't entitled to any help towards funeral costs. I'm struggling with all this mentally and cannot cope with the thought of going back to work as selfish as it sounds the time I'm currently having with my partner and son is helping me without me realising.

You are going through an awful time, I'm so sorry for your loss. I know how bottling up seems like the 'safer' option but honestly it will help you to talk to someone. I found it much easier to talk to an outsider than family or friends. For me Cruse really helped, and reading some books about bereavement, at my own pace.

You will never not be heartbroken, you don't have to 'move on'. But you can find a way to keep living and adjust to the huge gap. I think of it like the person dying makes this massive crater. You can put up barbed wire around the edge and danger signs. Or you can plant flowers and wildlife and maybe eventually it becomes a pond. Always a permanent feature but you will remember the good times and realise those good times never leave you. Sorry to ramble on, ignore me if this isn't helpful. But lots of luck to you.

Most companies do have a compassionate leave policy. Whilst everyone is different, 2 weeks for a parent is quite generous in my experience (I have worked with bereaved people so I'm used to being told about not being allowed any time off) any additional time needs to be sick leave signed off by your gp and typically at the statutory rate. This isn't about right or wrong, this is simply cautioning you to the reality.

We nursed my grandmother on and off for years, my mother took the lead and yes my mum was expected back after 3-4 days, employers don't have to give time off. You ask aibu, well an employer might think so. Call your gp to be signed off but don't expect them to be overly sympathetic. Most people have lost loved ones so they won't be that understanding if they returned after 3 days (which is common)

Morning all and thanks for the replies, I dreaded waking up this morning but I did it and I've realised I need a bit of help so today I am going to contact my doctor and see if they can set me up with grief councillors because trying to speak to any my siblings doesn't work, friends never seem to be interested and my and DP sorted things last night and now feels someone different to talk to would defo help

@PJmasksandwineplz

Morning all and thanks for the replies, I dreaded waking up this morning but I did it and I've realised I need a bit of help so today I am going to contact my doctor and see if they can set me up with grief councillors because trying to speak to any my siblings doesn't work, friends never seem to be interested and my and DP sorted things last night and now feels someone different to talk to would defo help

I think that's a very good plan. I'm confident that it will help you to talk with someone professional to help you process your thoughts and feelings.

Yeah I've also spoke to work and for the moment they are happy for me to work back office stuff and not deal with the public, also a phased return is in place as well so just my own head to sort out now which is slow but steady progress

I had 3 months off after my Mum died - it was expected but still very traumatic. I tried to go back to work but I just couldn’t cope. My sister had a tots of 4 days off. She did what was right for her, I did what was right for me and we understood each other.

You do what’s right for you. No-one should be telling you to just accept it and get on with it! It’s very early days. My concern is actually that you keep trying to keep busy, almost to keep the grief at bay. At some point you will need to stop. I used to think a good day was one where I got dressed and ate something.

I think getting signed off is a good idea. Take some time to let the reality sink in, grief counselling to talk it through with someone impartial would be really useful to you. Sorry for your loss

Definitely take more time off. A different situation but I cut off contact with my parents last year, and work didn't really have a policy for that, so I didn't take any time off. I probably could've pushed for compassionate leave but work acted like it was such a weird situation that I really didn't feel like I could push it. It's done more damage in the long run, in terms of the grieving process. Grief isn't a set period for everyone - take what you need to get through it.

I'm so sorry for your loss.