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Original poster

To take more time off??

57 replies

PJmasksandwineplz · 26/04/2021 11:26

Long read

Hoping for some anonymous help here as sometimes talking to a stranger is best...

27th December my dad went into hospital, during his time there which was almost 3 months he died twice and was revived, I stay about an hour away and was called down on several occasions.

12th March dad gets home on palliative care so I leave my partner and 2 year old son to help my older siblings ( 1 brother and 2 sisters who have disabilities) care for dad - whilst there I done round the clock care for dad and slept in the living room with him, the only thing I couldn't do was personal care if he needed the toilet.

26th March I sit and hold dads hand tight until he takes his very last breath and peacefully passes away.

In the weeks since me and my brother have planned every part of his funeral, called several places to register his death etc and had so much to sort out. On Friday just gone my oldest sister was diagnosed with breast cancer and we've discovered we aren't entitled to any help towards funeral costs. I'm struggling with all this mentally and cannot cope with the thought of going back to work as selfish as it sounds the time I'm currently having with my partner and son is helping me without me realising.

OP posts:
Original poster
PJmasksandwineplz · 26/04/2021 12:35

Thank you I think I need to try talk to someone who isn't a friend or family member

OP posts:
Original poster
PJmasksandwineplz · 26/04/2021 12:37

I get the feeling all they think I'm doing is taking time off to be lazy or that I've got used to the idea of being off, this isn't furlough and it isn't annual leave I've been off because I'm massively heart broken and dealing with so much I'm on the brink of falling apart

OP posts:
Justcurious93 · 26/04/2021 12:38

Sorry you've been having such a dreadful time OP. I would definitely get signed off for a couple of weeks and then speak with your employer about a phased return. That way you can start to give yourself time to start building up again, whilst still treating yourself with compassion. It's so important to look after yourself as well as others (which you have been doing so much of). I can't believe how insensitive some of the posts have been! Take care

SleepingStandingUp · 26/04/2021 12:38

@PJmasksandwineplz

I get the feeling all they think I'm doing is taking time off to be lazy or that I've got used to the idea of being off, this isn't furlough and it isn't annual leave I've been off because I'm massively heart broken and dealing with so much I'm on the brink of falling apart
Sounds like you need signing off by the doctor whilst you look into grief counseling x
ilovesooty · 26/04/2021 12:39

@PJmasksandwineplz

Thank you I think I need to try talk to someone who isn't a friend or family member
I would ask if workplace counselling is accessible through your employer. You don't have to do all the sessions straightaway in one go if it doesn't feel as though it's for you just now when you try it.
MummyInTheNecropolis · 26/04/2021 12:42

I’m so sorry for your loss. I went through similar when my dad died in 2017. I went back to work a week after the funeral and did all I could to keep going, without ever really taking the time to look after myself properly. After 5 months of being back at work I had a complete mental breakdown, ended up in hospital and had to be signed off work for 6 months. This would probably not have happened if I had just taken the time I needed to grieve and recover in the first place. So I would say take all the time you need, look after yourself and give yourself the space to grieve properly. You really do need it. I wish you all the best Flowers

Notaroadrunner · 26/04/2021 12:46

@PJmasksandwineplz

I get the feeling all they think I'm doing is taking time off to be lazy or that I've got used to the idea of being off, this isn't furlough and it isn't annual leave I've been off because I'm massively heart broken and dealing with so much I'm on the brink of falling apart
It's not as simple as just having lost your dad though. You were caring for him and that has taken a physical toll on you. While my parents and inlaws are dead, and we didn't have to do any long term or even short term care for any of them, I remember the overwhelming tiredness after the funerals. It was an unusual tiredness. You must have this in spades given the amount of work you put in to care for your dad. You didn't have much time to even take in what was going on at the time, as you were too busy minding him, and then once he'd died you organised the funeral (not a pleasant task by any means) and had to deal with legal stuff. And then when things may have had a chance to settle down, your poor sister gets diagnosed with cancer. So much shit has been thrown your way and you deserve to take time out to recharge.

It's wonderful that your work are so understanding and that you can afford to take a bit more time off - do just that. And ask them if you can then have a phased return - even starting a couple of hours per day for the first week. Hopefully they will be in agreement. Contact a bereavement counsellor if possible. You have a lot to process, and it may even be too soon to go through it. If you can hold off for a month you might be better able for it.

Mind yourself Flowers

Onesnowynight · 26/04/2021 12:52

Sorry to hear what you are going through. I’ve had a shit time too the last few months, but my dad is still here. One thing my manager said to me was ‘please talk to me, I can’t help you if you don’t communicate’, as I too shut things up inside. Please talk to your manager they may be way more understanding than you think, and will help you come up with a solution. Flowers

Leah2005 · 26/04/2021 12:52

So sorry for your loss. You will know when you are ready to go back and it certainly sounds as if that isn't yet. Speak with your Dr and get signed off - the grieving process can take a long old time and no one has the right to tell you how you should be feeling or when. Take time to heal yourself after a very traumatic experience. Flowers

provencegal · 26/04/2021 12:55

I would speak to your employer, and make a plan together about how you are able to cope going forward, book some bereavement counselling and speak to the GP about additional support.

It is a lot to contend with in one go, and you sound as if you are literally reeling from it all. Most managers will understand, most will want to support you.

Original poster
PJmasksandwineplz · 26/04/2021 12:55

I truly am so sorry for anyone who has experience similar, its literally one of the horrible realities in life and being a closed door doesn't help me any but also feeling like I'll be judged makes me keep it in even more iyswim

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 26/04/2021 13:04

I get the feeling all they think I'm doing is taking time off to be lazy or that I've got used to the idea of being off, this isn't furlough and it isn't annual leave I've been off because I'm massively heart broken and dealing with so much I'm on the brink of falling apart
Until people have experienced being on the brink of falling apart, some people refuse to consider that someone else could be deeply affected in that way.
In my experience people in similar situations tend to end up in unhealthy cycles where they are processing the source of the falling apart whilst also worrying about what outsiders think looking in, which takes their energy away from dealing with the main trigger. Talking to a doctor about this should give you confirmation that you're not wrong to look after yourself.
It's easy to worry that people think you're lazy but most people are very understanding and those who aren't capable of compassion aren't people's whose opinions you should care about.

Original poster
PJmasksandwineplz · 26/04/2021 13:17

I wish it was a case of being lazy and wanted to never work again but I am mentally in a bad way, I have wrapped myself up in bed and never want to leave! I wish I could bang my head against a brick wall! I tried telling a friend I'm struggling n she blanked what I said n asked me something to help her answer a question someone asked her 😱😱

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 26/04/2021 13:21

I can empathise OP. Your priority has to be your own health and your own wellbeing.
If you can speak to your GP that would be a good first port of call. Some local areas also have talking therapy services that you can self refer into, which might be beneficial. Another avenue of support are local carers groups if your area have any.

Someone bluntly, but accurately, once said to me that if any of us were hit by a bus tomorrow, the workplace would go on and they would advertise for a replacement. People individually would be upset, but the workplace as an organisation will continue. I found it gave me some perspective during a difficult time and helped me give myself permission to heal.

Original poster
PJmasksandwineplz · 26/04/2021 13:34

I really like that and as brutally honest as it is, it's so true! They would replace me in a heartbeat

OP posts:
Justcallmebebes · 26/04/2021 14:10

Jizzle

Everyone is different, but i don't think i would be too pleased if i was your employer. This was not an out of the blue death, you had plenty of time to get used to the idea that it was about to happen. To be honest, our policy at work is two days off after the death of a close family member and i would personally think any more than that is kind of taking the piss.

^ Are you my boss? I'm sorry for your loss OP. My mother died last Friday and my dad was then hospitalised. This is exactly the attitude I'm getting from my boss now.

It's hard OP but adding financial worries on top will only add to the stress.

3Britnee · 26/04/2021 14:13

@PJmasksandwineplz

I don't feel I've had enough time to fully take things in, dads funeral was only 2 weeks ago and every day since I've done everything I physically can to stop myself from sitting down to prevent the thoughts I try to block out creeping in.

Yes the news about my sister broke my heart more so because she had to go through it alone as due to restrictions we couldn't go to the appointment with her.

My work have been amazing and have advised to take as long as I need, financially I'd be alright to continue taking time off, I'm just so confused and lost

Your workplace sounds good, and understanding. Do they have that employee wellbeing/counselling thing where you could access some support?
Original poster
PJmasksandwineplz · 26/04/2021 14:20

@justcallmebebes omg I'm so sorry you're going through that and your work are not being supportive at all, tbh money is the least of my problems right now n I haven't asked my work if thats something they offer but if not I'll ask my GP if there is somewhere I can be referred too

OP posts:
Original poster
PJmasksandwineplz · 26/04/2021 15:29

Why does it seem everyone I've spoke to in rl since posting this doesn't give a f**k?? My friend blanked me, I told my dp I don't feel ready to move on,accept what's happened n he replied "you won't like what I'm going to say, but you have too" why should I have too do anything? No wonder I keep things to myself 😭😭

OP posts:
Original poster
PJmasksandwineplz · 26/04/2021 17:56

I guess now I've taken to an online blog to offload my thoughts if no one answers so be it I'm used to being alone, at least talking to myself or a stranger I know I'm not being a pest or their apparently too busy for me

OP posts:
Gazelda · 26/04/2021 18:07

This is the perfect place to offload your thoughts OP. There will always be someone who will listen. You might kit get immediate replies, but lots of people understand how you're feeling.

But please do also speak with your GP or work to see if you can access grief counselling. It might help you process what you're handling and how to deal with your thoughts.

Icancelledthecheque · 26/04/2021 18:44

@Jizzle

Everyone is different, but i don't think i would be too pleased if i was your employer. This was not an out of the blue death, you had plenty of time to get used to the idea that it was about to happen. To be honest, our policy at work is two days off after the death of a close family member and i would personally think any more than that is kind of taking the piss.
Yeah, you’re a really awful person.
Original poster
PJmasksandwineplz · 26/04/2021 18:47

@Gazelda

This is the perfect place to offload your thoughts OP. There will always be someone who will listen. You might kit get immediate replies, but lots of people understand how you're feeling.

But please do also speak with your GP or work to see if you can access grief counselling. It might help you process what you're handling and how to deal with your thoughts.

Thank you I just feel I have absolutely no one today, now apparently because I lost it earlier n shouted at my dp I've hurt his feelings.. I'm honestly so done
OP posts:
Gazelda · 26/04/2021 23:01

OP, be kind to yourself. You're going through an awful time.

You need support to come to terms with things. Your DP might not be equipped to be the right support, and perhaps he is struggling with his feelings too. That's no excuse not be be sympathetic and understanding, but perhaps you both need to acknowledge that outside support might be for the best.

BeneathYourWisdom · 27/04/2021 07:22

I’m so very sorry for all the grief and loss you are going through.

Not at all unreasonable to get signed off but I’d get a note from the GP saying it’s stress/mental health related in case work argue. In my industry it’s not unusual for people to take 6 months off with stress or burnout (they just get their certificate renewed monthly by GP via the phone).