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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

House full of junk

100 replies

OverTheBend · 26/04/2021 07:14

DH inherited a house which we now live in with our one year old. I know I'm really lucky to have this house to live in. Thing is the house is still full of stuff from the people who lived here before (DH's relatives). Every cupboard is stuffed full, all storage space is full. It's an old house and there's loads of storage. The amount of stuff is overwhelming. I've done what I can and basically emptied the cupboards we need to use but the stuff has just gone into the spare room so just kind of deferred the problem. There's also so much furniture. The room that is now our little ones bedroom had three desks, two chests, a storage cupboard and a sewing table in it! So they've gone in the spare room as well.

It's like pulling teeth getting DH to help. I'll say "we need to get rid of these desks" and he'll say things like "it's fine where it is, little one can use it when she's older". She's one! She doesn't need a massive desk any time soon. And definitely not three of them. And cleaning out the cupboards in her room I filled three large bags with towels and bedding sets (from just one half of one wardrobe) and all he could say was "can you go through it and see what we should keep". No I bloody can't. Its ancient. It smells musty. And besides, we already have our own stuff. Why do we need cupboards stuffed full of extra bedding and towels that we'll never use.

There's no point to this post. I'm just so fed up of feeling like I'm squatting in someone else's house. I don't feel like I can really hire a skip and chuck everything because DH wants to go through it all before throwing/donating but at the same time he doesn't have the time to do this.

OP posts:
HugeBowlofChips · 26/04/2021 09:18

Either put it all in one room and shut the door, or get a house clearance company in. Tell your husband when they're coming and ask if there are any bits he particularly wants. I am guessing he doesn't even know what's there?

FictionalCharacter · 26/04/2021 09:21

@Purplewithred is spot on - it’s DH that’s the problem, not the stuff. The idea that your child might want some of these ancient dusty things in a couple of decades’ time is ludicrous.

This is no way to live, and the house won’t feel like your home until it isn’t full of other people’s belongings. He needs to understand this, and to understand that this level of clutter is not normal.

Caspianberg · 26/04/2021 09:22

Just sit down and tell dh you need to both sort it together

Go through and list vaguely what you have, ie 3 desks, cupboard of linen, 4 chairs etc.. then you can go down list each week together and decide on one thing to sort. Such as ‘3 desk’, when you sort that maybe decide on one to keep, and the two to sell or donate. Donate or list them to sell that week

steppemum · 26/04/2021 09:23

@senua

How would you feel if your DH started binning your possessions?Shock

MN is a strange place where, it seems, everyone lives in a minimalist house with one table, 2 chairs and a bed. Nothing else.

Put all the stuff you don't want in one place, for DH to deal with. Do not throw away his possessions / memories.

but they aren't his possessions.

They are his relative's, and there is not enough room in the house for them.
Not one person on here suggested minimalist, but 3 desks in one room is far from normal, unless you are running an office from home.

Cupboards full of old towels and sheets? So there is nowhere to store your own towels and sheets?

Can you explain what you would do then, to solve the problem, and gte dh to sort through this stuff?

OverTheBend · 26/04/2021 09:28

I think you're all right that I just have to make a start and not really expect any help from him. He likes the changes. Like I've sorted our room (mostly) and our DD's room and he really likes how it looks. He just won't do anything himself.

The status of the house isn't an issue.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 26/04/2021 09:31

@OverTheBend

I think you're all right that I just have to make a start and not really expect any help from him. He likes the changes. Like I've sorted our room (mostly) and our DD's room and he really likes how it looks. He just won't do anything himself.

The status of the house isn't an issue.

Is it possible though he think that the longer you're it takes to sort the house the longer you can stay there? I'd be really annoyed at paying out for skips etc to hasten the end of living there
SpiderinaWingMirror · 26/04/2021 09:35

Stop asking permission
Have you got a car? Do you drive?
Bootload of tat 3 times a week. He wont even notice. Desks, dismantle. Stick outside on the basis that lo needs room to play. If they get ruined, take them to the tip as well.

OverTheBend · 26/04/2021 09:35

No. Eventually we'll either move or buy it. No one is in a rush. Like I said, it was empty for seven years before we moved in. Obviously I'm not going into everything here but it's not an issue.

OP posts:
OverTheBend · 26/04/2021 09:36

I listed something on marketplace just now so that's a baby step!

OP posts:
halcyondays · 26/04/2021 09:36

I’m confused as to why the other people involved don’t want the house to be sold now and have let you move in, If it’s to be sold they would usually see what anyone wants to keep and then clear the rest of the contents.

You can’t just throw other people’s things away but he will need to make decisions. He won’t be able to keep everything when the house is sold. He needs to decide on what can be easily got rid of like the towels, what is genuinely important to him for sentimental reasons and so on. He needs to start with easier things like towels and things that are too large to keep, it will get easier the more he does it.

OverTheBend · 26/04/2021 09:41

It's not a simple situation.

OP posts:
steppemum · 26/04/2021 09:43

do people actually read OPs posts?

rest of family have said - go ahead and clear it, we don't want anything.
OP has said there is no issue around selling etc.
Op has said there is no rush, and no pressure on them.

So you need to accept that. You don't need all the details, just accept that they can live here for a good number of years, and they are free to throw the stuff away.
Then comment based on that.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 26/04/2021 09:45

And yes you can throw other people's stuff out.
We ended up with a loft and garage full of stuff that had belonged to PIL. We were moving. I emailed his siblings and said come get anything you want by x date after that it will be gone
And I followed through.

Lanique · 26/04/2021 09:49

Go through a room at a time:

  1. Stuff to keep
  2. Stuff to sell
  3. Stuff for charity / freecycle / donations
  4. Junk.

Junk can go into a skip or separated off into a couple of rooms and taken away by a house clearance company perhaps?

halcyondays · 26/04/2021 09:52

@Snowpaw

Would hiring a storage unit be an option? Get everything that isn’t your own sent there and then arrange times when you are both able to go through the stuff and decide what to do with it.
Don’t do it! He will never make a decision if you put it in storage and you will spend a fortune on it.
OverTheRubicon · 26/04/2021 09:53

@senua

How would you feel if your DH started binning your possessions?Shock

MN is a strange place where, it seems, everyone lives in a minimalist house with one table, 2 chairs and a bed. Nothing else.

Put all the stuff you don't want in one place, for DH to deal with. Do not throw away his possessions / memories.

That doesn't work if all the cupboards are full. What's she supposed to do, fill up a room and hope that one day he sorts it?

I agree op can't just bin everything, but I think he needs to go around and say what is most precious, and what can go. That then liberates the rest - hopefully most can be donated, but otherwise needs to go.

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 26/04/2021 09:55

My DH is like this his dad died last year and he took everything that no one else wanted and put it in our babies room and will now not get rid of anything, there are bags of his dad's old clothes (nothing special just old tshirts and the like) loads of paper work and stacks of photos of people who he doesn't know at all and he even tried to take his dad's old towels but I put my foot down there.
I honestly don't know how to get him to go through it all. So no advice but you aren't alone.

Divineswirls · 26/04/2021 09:56

Well considering he hasnt got a clue whats in each cupboard etc just get on and get rid of as much of the really unnecessary stuff like old musty dusty curtains that will never see the light of day again.

booksandnooks · 26/04/2021 09:57

Can you not put up a thing on a local Facebook selling page saying "house clearance"
So people come and have a look at everything you have in the spare room and whatever else and they come and buy it for cheap.
My mom has been to a few.
if you're desperate to get rid then say "you know what-you can have the lot for a fiver"
If he doesn't want to throw away good, usable stuff then this is a good way to get around it.
Also you could arrange people to come when he's at work.

And don't think 'oh nobody would like that' because people do! my mom wants ancient bedding sets because she has started sewing and needs loads of material to practice on.
Also old towels. Muslin cloths. things people throw away all the time! could make yourself a small fortune and he would never know if half of it went missing over time

steppemum · 26/04/2021 09:58

@MusicWithRocksIn1t

My DH is like this his dad died last year and he took everything that no one else wanted and put it in our babies room and will now not get rid of anything, there are bags of his dad's old clothes (nothing special just old tshirts and the like) loads of paper work and stacks of photos of people who he doesn't know at all and he even tried to take his dad's old towels but I put my foot down there. I honestly don't know how to get him to go through it all. So no advice but you aren't alone.
it is really mixed up with the grieving process.

I would suggest making/finding something from all that which reminds him of his dad.
maybe making a collage of all those photos, and putting it somewhere, or finding one picture and having it blown up.

Talk about finding a way to create a memorial/reminder, and then you can gradually let go of the rest

booksandnooks · 26/04/2021 09:59

Also you could take a few photos of the spare room and say people are free to have a rummage.
It is tricky. But you getting people to buy it means you don't have to remove anything yourself

OverTheBend · 26/04/2021 10:03

booksandnooks I love this idea! The house is a funny layout but it would actually work perfectly for this.

OP posts:
Purplewithred · 26/04/2021 10:10

Ooh well if it's just a clearout and dh/the family are happy for it to be done but cba to do it can I come and help? I love a good clearout!

halcyondays · 26/04/2021 10:20

@porridgecake

The first thing I would do would be to get a mortgage and buy out every relative who has a claim on the property. I have seen a lot of disasters in this kind of set up to risk my security in an informal arrangement. It only takes one person to decide they want their inheritance to upset the whole apple cart. Then get on with selling/ donating the contents once you are no longer beholden to anyone.
This seems sensible. Usually you’d think everyone would want to get things settled fairly quickly. Even if they’ve said there’s no rush, it would be better to get things sorted out now.
Kokosrieksts · 26/04/2021 10:33

@OverTheBend
^ Eventually we'll either move or buy it. No one is in a rush. Like I said, it was empty for seven years before we moved in.^

Be very careful with this, even if you think that nobody is interested, the chances are they’re not interested because of the state of the house. Heard too many stories where relatives fall out over things like this.

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