House full of junk

[OverTheBend]

DH inherited a house which we now live in with our one year old. I know I'm really lucky to have this house to live in. Thing is the house is still full of stuff from the people who lived here before (DH's relatives). Every cupboard is stuffed full, all storage space is full. It's an old house and there's loads of storage. The amount of stuff is overwhelming. I've done what I can and basically emptied the cupboards we need to use but the stuff has just gone into the spare room so just kind of deferred the problem. There's also so much furniture. The room that is now our little ones bedroom had three desks, two chests, a storage cupboard and a sewing table in it! So they've gone in the spare room as well.

It's like pulling teeth getting DH to help. I'll say "we need to get rid of these desks" and he'll say things like "it's fine where it is, little one can use it when she's older". She's one! She doesn't need a massive desk any time soon. And definitely not three of them. And cleaning out the cupboards in her room I filled three large bags with towels and bedding sets (from just one half of one wardrobe) and all he could say was "can you go through it and see what we should keep". No I bloody can't. Its ancient. It smells musty. And besides, we already have our own stuff. Why do we need cupboards stuffed full of extra bedding and towels that we'll never use.

There's no point to this post. I'm just so fed up of feeling like I'm squatting in someone else's house. I don't feel like I can really hire a skip and chuck everything because DH wants to go through it all before throwing/donating but at the same time he doesn't have the time to do this.

Move out til it s done.

Since it s free and you paying no rent

Rent somewhere nearby and tell dh you will move back when it s clear. He can stay with you or sleep in the messtil it is done.

You should not have moved in til it was empty.
Maybe he needs time.

But nothing will be done unless you show your intent. Move out.

It's ours to live in. Eventually it will be sold. All interested parties have said we can do what we like with the place. I think this is a source of reticence for DH. They've said very clearly we can get rid of anything we like but I'm not sure he believes them. Tbf the house was empty for 7 years before we moved in and everyones had plenty of opportunity to get anything they want...

I’m not surprised it was his relatives house and not yours, I suspect there is more behind this than he’s just busy etc, it’s the mental difficulty in getting rid of someone he loveds possessions. In my experience you need to do it right away or it becomes something you find difficult to let go.

I’d advise treading carefully, maybe one room at a time, allocate a day, but accept he might find it difficult to let go. Alternatively if he can’t then you could suggest storage for a period.

It's yours to live in but do you have to sell and then is the money split between you and relatives or yours to keep? It's relevant in that it will be easier to sell when cleared and he might be avoiding selling it? Or if split between relatives then you'll have to get a mortgage? Just wondering if he's delaying for some reason?

Sounds like he's a hoarder...perhaps due to grief etc.

If you’re planning to redecorate then it might be worth keeping large flat sheets/duvets to use as furniture and carpet covers.

Or maybe he simply feels overwhelmed by how much stuff there is and doesn't know where to start so burying his head in the sand. From the desk situation alone though it sounds like a letting go problem.

How close was dh to these relatives and when did they die? Is there any other emotional blockage that could be holding him back? Your dh might not feel like its his house, there could be some guilt or sentimentality acting as a block. It may be worth going slowly.

I would stop waiting for him to agree with your actions and just quietly get on with it. I fear conversations about the stuff ate going to be frustrating for both of you.

However I definitely wouldn't throw stuff out as it appears that's something he feels strongly about.

I would hire storage space and start to move stuff into it.

I would show appreciation and interest in all the items so your DH sees that you value them. This might get him talking. It also makes your clearing out of the house look less callous to him.

Once a room was free of the extra stuff, I would decorate it (or at least just invest energy in making it nice - clean, pics on walls, flowers) so your dh starts to get a sense of what whole house could be like.

All the big stuff get it on Facebook market place and say it is free but must be collected. We got rid of so much quite good stuff that way. And I think that because it is going to someone who can make use of it, it helps with the process for your DH rather than just skipping it. We put it all out on the drive, posted some photos and it was all gone within a couple of hours!

Get a skip as well to chuck the stuff that you don't want. Some of that might go. With our last skip virtually as soon as it was full it was emptied by the neighborhood!

Your child needs space to move about and grow and she cannot with all this stuff.

If he will not engage with the process at all then I would threaten to leave with the child until he has sorted it all out himself.

I'd hire a skip and gut the place. Sheets and towels that have been sat for 7 years, ugh no way I'd keep them. I wouldnt go through things either if he wasnt willing .

@Whinge

I'd just bag it up a few bits at a time and get rid. No conversations with him, just do it. It's just as much your house as it is his, and you shouldn't have to live in such a horrific mess.

I agree with this. DH is a hoarder and I wasted years of marriage trying to talk sense into him. Now I just chuck stuff out. He doesn't miss it. Room by room do a full declutter and redecorate the way you want to. Maybe try to sell some of the stuff to fund the refurb. Once the rooms are clean and bright and spacious he'll be glad and see the point. Start with the rooms that upset you most - living space and DCs rooms.

I think it depends on why your DH is being obstructive. If he is upset by the idea of getting rid of stuff due to emotional ties that's completely different to him just being bone idle.

If, as you seem to suspect it's concern what other family might think, you need to talk to him properly - set up a plan and tell the other family members. E.g. on X date were getting BHF round to take all the furniture. On Y date we'll get a skip and dump the rest. If you want to look/take anything you must speak now.

Basically you need to work out why you DH is resistant! And then fix that.

Same situation as you but 8 years in... There are still a few remnants and I'm the first to admit the amount of time it's taken me to get rid of all the stuff I DID NOT WANT is ridiculous. I got rid of a few bits every day. Bin bags if it was was appropriate- lots to charity shops, friends & family etc.

My garage is still full of shit but I can cope much better with it out there so if you have a garage I'd advise utilising that for now.

It's hard on the person with the association definitely but not fair to put your family through living in a shrine to a dead relative for years on end. You have my complete sympathy.

@romdowa

I'd hire a skip and gut the place. Sheets and towels that have been sat for 7 years, ugh no way I'd keep them. I wouldnt go through things either if he wasnt willing .

Or this. Skip and dump the lot so you have a clean slate. It's your house now.

It's likely that he's also a secret horder. It's learnt behaviour that really never leaves or changes.

There are ways you can tackle this without blowing a gasket. You'll need to be prepared to occasionally be discovered. I'd also say humour is the best tonic.

One way is to sort a single drawer or cupboard out and take a few things at a time to the charity shops. Always leave the house with something to dispose.

Don't make a issue over it, I'd just quietly get on with it.

I know horders don't actually value the stuff they keep they just feel safer because it's what they've always been used to.

There will be an occasional item that they want. But your examples of towels and musty bedding can all be washed and donated. It's unlikely there are significant emotional links to these items.

I would also get a good electric screwdriver for discretely dismantling furniture to either run to the tip when you are doing a charity run or to make it easier to pile up in a spare room to tackle in one go.

The way not to do it is to get a skip. Your husband will feel pressured and you'll find him at odd times removing stuff from the skip and hiding it 'just in case'.

I'm from a long line of horders. I am a horder, but I'm a recovering horder. My husband is like you. Left to my own devices I'd not remove anything from my home.

It's fine if it's solely the horders house and they have chosen to hord. What's not fine is you trying to make a home in someone else's clutter. I'm trying hard not to hord as it's not fair on my poor husband, but it does constantly make me feel very uneasy.

it sounds like he has an emotional attachement to the stuff.
Or, because the house is familiar, he just doesn't realise that there are other options.

I would start by sitting down with him and asking. If you could only keep a few items fromt he hosue, which ones would they be? What really matters to you?

Then I would, as others have said, quietly remove and get rid of cupboard stuff.
Furniture - rephrase the question - which desk shall we keep for dd? the other two I will put on FB/ebay etc.

Some charities (red cross) do a furniture collection service for donated furniture.

If he says it must all be kept, then you have to push back, hard, Bo, this is my home, and I cannot live in it full of other peoples' stuff. There are 3 of us in this house, so we must compromise

Bo? I meant No.

@OverTheBend

It's ours to live in. Eventually it will be sold. All interested parties have said we can do what we like with the place. I think this is a source of reticence for DH. They've said very clearly we can get rid of anything we like but I'm not sure he believes them. Tbf the house was empty for 7 years before we moved in and everyones had plenty of opportunity to get anything they want...

so, get this out of the way too.

Let all interested partied know that it is being cleared. If necessry list some of the thigns going, and say that unless they get back to you by XX date, they will go.

If you know them well enough, write to them privately and ask them to reassure dh that he really does have the right to get rid of stuff.

Is the property held 'in trust' with restricted beneficiaries? Wouldn't it be better to sell it and distribute funds sooner rather than later? Then you can establish a home together in which you have equal emotional and financial investment. The hoarding tendency has a big red flag over it.

OP, your DH is a hoarder in the making. Bin as much as you can when he's out of the way. He doesn't know whats there and won't notice for a while. Get rid of as much as you can. He will NEVER go through it all. Be warned or you'll be looking at it for years to come.

@OverTheBend

It's ours to live in. Eventually it will be sold. All interested parties have said we can do what we like with the place. I think this is a source of reticence for DH. They've said very clearly we can get rid of anything we like but I'm not sure he believes them. Tbf the house was empty for 7 years before we moved in and everyones had plenty of opportunity to get anything they want...

So... the house is NOT yours? You haven't actually inherited it at all. Frankly I suspect your husband doesn't feel as if the house belongs to him nor any of the contents and I think I would probably feel the same.

No way would I have accepted the house under these conditions. Perhaps he's sorry he did. I would honestly think about moving out.

What does eventually mean? 20 years time? Or once you've cleared it out of junk, done any repairs and got it ready to be sold? Will you get any money from the sale? Maybe he doesn't want to do all that to just make yourself homeless when it's sellable

I strongly advise putting away at least 2/3 or market rent into a savings account if you're not already then increase it each year until you're saving full market rent

My husband has similar issues. He bought his grandmother s house after she died from the estate. Her old miss matched glasses and unsafe furniture has been in paid storage for 20 years. He also has a full cellar , shed and now his study is full. The rest of the house is not ok for storing and things will be moved into the designated areas.
He mother has gone into a nursing home and her house is also full of stuff. I am refusing to let any of it through the front door as once it's in it will be difficult to get rid of. If he wants to keep any he can pay for more storage.
Is your house large enough to move stuff into particular rooms to clear some rooms?
For things in any other part of the house I use the 2 stage approach. Things go into bags or boxes and after a period of time if not needed/absence not noted then they go out.

The first thing I would do would be to get a mortgage and buy out every relative who has a claim on the property. I have seen a lot of disasters in this kind of set up to risk my security in an informal arrangement. It only takes one person to decide they want their inheritance to upset the whole apple cart.
Then get on with selling/ donating the contents once you are no longer beholden to anyone.

How would you feel if your DH started binning your possessions?

MN is a strange place where, it seems, everyone lives in a minimalist house with one table, 2 chairs and a bed. Nothing else.

Put all the stuff you don't want in one place, for DH to deal with. Do not throw away his possessions / memories.