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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be fuming with birth partner

75 replies

balloonswan · 25/04/2021 23:31

I will try keep this short and clear as possible with the relevant details.

I'm 39 weeks pregnant and due in for an induction on Wednesday.

I have twin boys at home that DH will be looking after. I sort of thought I would do the birth alone as we have been very cautious about covid. (I have congenital heart disease and a blood clotting problem) and my in-laws are not very covid aware, constantly out socialising and basically never followed the rules so even though they live closer (30 minutes) we haven't been seeing them at all.

My mother has been desperate to be my birth partner, her and my dad are unemployed and do genuinely keep inside the house, walk the dogs, and keep to themselves and even though they live (3hr away) I always thought they was trustworthy despite the fact they think I overreact about illnesses etc.
I told her, that if she is to be my birth partner then she has to ideally keep social distancing, isolate as much as possible 10 days before my induction (hospital policy) and considering she is a hermit.. I didn't think this was an issue.

Until yesterday, she lied to me that she was sleeping all day, resting. When I seen on Facebook she was at my sisters house, cuddling and spending time with my nephews (all school aged) she has not seen them since November because she generally is quite estranged from them for other reasons.

She knows I haven't been in contact with my in-laws due to them having kids in school, breaking rules etc but she's basically done the same! When I pulled her up about it she said "I know how you would react, and cba with your dramatic attitude about minor colds and ailments bla bla bla" I then get a message from my estranged sister saying she basically feels sorry for what I'm going through as mum told her all my pregnancy details and birth arrangements and my mental health not being taken serious. So now she's been talking about my issues.

I'm literally fuming, and I don't know if I'm over reacting or not, but I just cannot have any risk near me or my baby. I lost my first baby due to a minor cold he caught as a newborn so since my twins I have been very careful with no visitors etc and overly cautious.

What would you do?

OP posts:
MimosaFields · 25/04/2021 23:35

Don't have a partner. I didn't have one and it was absolutely fine

LittleOwl153 · 25/04/2021 23:37

I'd go alone assuming you are comfortable with that. Clearly you have a high risk pregnancy and your mother should appreciate where you are at. She didn't have to agree to your rules, but she shouldn't insist on being involved if she can't. I'd tell her to keep away now and close the door on the subject. Don't let her add to your stress levels!

Lknocsqq11 · 25/04/2021 23:38

Give birth on my own, probably, and get home to my family as quickly as possible.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 25/04/2021 23:39

Agree with PP - give birth alone. If she is the type to go against your wishes then she won't be very good in the delivery room. Birth partners above all should be good advocates for the patient.

minuetpiece · 25/04/2021 23:40

I don't really get the birthing partner thing. My OH was there for both but didn't do much. I was in my own zone.

GrumpyHoonMain · 25/04/2021 23:40

Just go alone if you’re comfortable. I can’t imagine a gran saying that when she lost a GC the way she did - are you sure you don’t want to cut her off? I would in a heartbeat

ineedaholidaynow · 25/04/2021 23:41

Surely your mum would understand your concerns if you lost your first baby Flowers

Micromamma · 25/04/2021 23:45

Honestly, once I got into full blown labour I didn't even notice if my husband was there or not. Birth partners tend to be quite passive. You do what you need to do, even if that is alone. The midwives will support you absolutely.

Original poster
balloonswan · 25/04/2021 23:47

@minuetpiece

I don't really get the birthing partner thing. My OH was there for both but didn't do much. I was in my own zone.
I agree also. That's why until recently I was quite happy to be alone and probably get more relaxation than I have had for a good 4 years lol. It's just her insisting I kept feeling bad but now I'm like no, I can't do this now I know that she decided to start being social a few days before I'm going into hospital
OP posts:
OhSayWhat · 25/04/2021 23:50

I’d cut her loose and say you won’t be needing her and you’re happy to do it alone. Then take a deep breath and do it alone. You are not being unreasonable here. And you can do this. Flowers

SezziBaybee · 25/04/2021 23:51

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the request of the poster.

MyDcAreMarvel · 25/04/2021 23:53

I am so sorry , I am ECV and I don’t think many people really understand . I would go alone it’s not worth the anxiety.

theloraxspeaks · 26/04/2021 00:45

Completely understand why you are so careful @balloonswan what a trauma you've dealt with losing your son.

I think you are so strong and may find being on your own with the midwives there and other health care professionals, the best option right now.

FWIW I don't think you are overreacting regarding your Mum. Flowers

1forAll74 · 26/04/2021 00:50

I would not have wanted a birthing partner when I had my two children years ago. It was never a thing then. But then, inadvertently, My late Husband delivered our daughter ,on the back seat of our old car ,early one freezing cold February morning at 7 AM.

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 26/04/2021 00:55

Hope it all goes well for your OP. Can totally understand why you are angry.

quizqueen · 26/04/2021 01:14

But your midwife /doctor won't have isolated for two weeks and they probably have children at home and have seen their families too so what are you going to do about them!

LalalalalalaLand123 · 26/04/2021 01:20

Go it alone lovely x

This. And I'd probably go low/no contact with your mother after this. She sounds toxic. Good luck OP, you've got this x

Original poster
balloonswan · 26/04/2021 01:23

@quizqueen

But your midwife /doctor won't have isolated for two weeks and they probably have children at home and have seen their families too so what are you going to do about them!
They tend to wear face masks and be compliant with hygiene and safety. Also taking lateral flow test frequently, washing hands etc
OP posts:
emi93 · 26/04/2021 01:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

elliemara · 26/04/2021 02:50

You're not overreacting at all. Her response was awful. I'd go it alone too x

RaeRaeMama · 26/04/2021 02:57

I'm upset on your behalf that your mother lied and then made out like you were the one with the problem :-(

I would definitely do it alone if I were you. She's given you more than enough cause

MumInBrussels · 26/04/2021 03:02

You're not being unreasonable at all. Your mother is being thoughtless at best, and I think it's worse than that - she's deliberately lying to you because she thinks you're overreacting and her opinions are more important and valid than yours. (You're not overreacting at all, and she doesn't get to override you here.). I'd find it very hard to trust her - which is really what you need in a birth partner, isn't it, someone you can trust to take you seriously and speak up for you if need be, not someone who will cause you extra stress.

I'd not have a birth partner in these circumstances - your doctors and midwives will look after you. You don't need to have her there to make her happy - this is one time that really is all about you and what you need. This shouldn't cause an argument, but from what you've said about your mother, I suspect it will - I'd be willing to have that argument, given how careless she's being of your feelings and health. I'd also be thinking about how much contact I wanted to have in future with someone who apparently has so little regard for me. To try to avoid the argument, you could just not tell her you're in labour; then you can tell her afterwards that it all went so fast there was no time to call her. (This might just mean the argument happens later, but by that point, you'll have had your baby, so that's probably easier.)

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy, in any case - I hope your birth goes really smoothly!

StarCat2020 · 26/04/2021 03:22

You will be fine and honestly it sounds like she would be useless at supporting you any way.

Embracingthechaos · 26/04/2021 03:43

I get the impression from your post that would be comfortable giving birth alone. I suggest you reconsider that option.

You'll probably have a load of people come on and tell you that you're being overdramatic, but your mum has lied to you, sent you a dismissive message when you confronted her, and told other people about issues that you are obviously quite sensitive and personal for you. Regardless of whether or not she felt you were being overdramatic, she should have respected the requests that you made of her to prepare for your birth. She didn't prioritise it and then she lied to you. You're pissed off with her, you feel let down. That's not what you want in a birth partner. Sounds like she will be more of a hindrance than a help to you.

ivfbeenbusy · 26/04/2021 03:48

Free testing is available everywhere now - Boots has big signs up saying just ask for your free test.....why can't you just tell her to take one?

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