To be fuming with birth partner

[balloonswan]

I will try keep this short and clear as possible with the relevant details.

I'm 39 weeks pregnant and due in for an induction on Wednesday.

I have twin boys at home that DH will be looking after. I sort of thought I would do the birth alone as we have been very cautious about covid. (I have congenital heart disease and a blood clotting problem) and my in-laws are not very covid aware, constantly out socialising and basically never followed the rules so even though they live closer (30 minutes) we haven't been seeing them at all.

My mother has been desperate to be my birth partner, her and my dad are unemployed and do genuinely keep inside the house, walk the dogs, and keep to themselves and even though they live (3hr away) I always thought they was trustworthy despite the fact they think I overreact about illnesses etc.
I told her, that if she is to be my birth partner then she has to ideally keep social distancing, isolate as much as possible 10 days before my induction (hospital policy) and considering she is a hermit.. I didn't think this was an issue.

Until yesterday, she lied to me that she was sleeping all day, resting. When I seen on Facebook she was at my sisters house, cuddling and spending time with my nephews (all school aged) she has not seen them since November because she generally is quite estranged from them for other reasons.

She knows I haven't been in contact with my in-laws due to them having kids in school, breaking rules etc but she's basically done the same! When I pulled her up about it she said "I know how you would react, and cba with your dramatic attitude about minor colds and ailments bla bla bla" I then get a message from my estranged sister saying she basically feels sorry for what I'm going through as mum told her all my pregnancy details and birth arrangements and my mental health not being taken serious. So now she's been talking about my issues.

I'm literally fuming, and I don't know if I'm over reacting or not, but I just cannot have any risk near me or my baby. I lost my first baby due to a minor cold he caught as a newborn so since my twins I have been very careful with no visitors etc and overly cautious.

What would you do?

She has irredeemably let you down.
She could have waited another few days to see your Sis & kids.
Cut her loose,

If she wants to help can she look after your older kids to free up your OH?

First off, I'm so sorry for your earlier loss and I want to wish you the very best of luck with your delivery @balloonswan.

If I were you, I would put together an email and prepare to send it to both your mother and your sister, they are equally complicit in this. Your sister for allowing her mother in, knowing your situation and your mother for going to visit your sister.
I'd say that you've had to inform the staff in the hospital that neither of them are welcome at the hospital. Your mother is no longer required as birthing partner and will be refused entry to the hospital as a result of her actions.
As for her comments about 'minor colds and ailments', when the medical staff (of which she isn't) have been able to determine that was the cause of your previous loss, you are deeply offended and hurt by their callous comments and you are telling them now, not to even think about coming to visit either in the hospital or when you are discharged home. You will contact them if and when you are ready to resume a relationship but they need to think long and hard about how they have damaged their relationship with you and your family.

Then go in to the hospital and let them know that your mother and sister are not allowed in to visit you.

That's what I would do.

Firstly, I'm so sorry to hear about your firstborn. I cannot imagine the hideousness you've been through.

Secondly, if you do go down the route of LF tests and masks for your mum, are you likely to feel relaxed and trusting? If not, then it isn't worth having her present, the negative emotions can and do slow labour.

Thirdly, are you having a balloon, pessary or drip induction? If drip induction, you should have a midwife with you at all times.

Last year, in the middle of the first lockdown, I had my premature DS, by induction (massive, repeated placental bleeds). This was when we were still being told that you couldn't have anyone in your house. DH had to stay home with our 4yo DD, until she could go to preschool. We had no family locally.

Suffice to say, DH made it to the labour room 5 mins before DS was born and was able to go with him to NICU, as I was whisked off to theatre for a retained placenta.

Honestly, the midwifes looked after me so well, during labour, and I didn't miss DH at the time. It was actually after birth, when my baby was in NICU, and I was sent to to the postnatal ward all alone, that I really missed him.

Are your twins likely to need any assistance after birth? That would be the only thing that would make me want to have someone else present, so they could go with the babies if needed.

I hope that you make a decision that YOU are happy with. Good luck.

Go it alone. No question. I speak as a mother, mother-in-law and grandmother. You and your baby need extra care and protection so don’t be afraid to put your foot down politely but firmly. I wish you well with your birthing, your precious little one and your family.

I am so sorry you lost your first, OP. Your mum is an absolute tin-plated faithless bitch. What a stunt to pull at this late stage, and then for you to find out via facebook...!! Words fail me.

I think you prepare yourself to go it alone - sounds like you would have been perfectly happy doing that anyway, so now it's just a case of getting yourself back into that headspace.

Get safely and calmly through the birth, just park all the emotion around this for now, it's not what you need to be dealing with. Ask your DH to handle any comms with your mother for now and immediately after the birth.

Then once you and your baby are home and settled, have a think about what you want to do re your mum going forward. Personally, I'd be done. She's proved she has no problem lying to you and spewing your personal info all over the place, just when you are most vulnerable. That would be the end for me.

Hope everything goes smoothly OP

I'd assume she has done this on purpose, either to get out of being your birth partner or to show you how ridiculous you are and how she knows better. Either way you are much better off giving birth, I was going to say alone but the midwives will be taking care of you.

So sorry for the loss of your baby OP I would go it alone, and I would be seriously considering the relationship with “D”M. She trivialised your loss, she lied to you, she betrayed your trust and she gossiped about you to your sister. She sounds toxic.

Can your DH be your birth partner. He can arrange someone else to watch your twins and either come in with you or join you once childcare arrives for your twins or once he drops them off.

I wouldn't say anything to your Mum other than, 'no thanks, maternity ward won't let you set foot in ward as you didn't self isolate 10 days beforehand as advised.'

The bit that'd upset me more, is how blasé she is about your worries as a pregnant mother, including your terrible loss before, she won't be a reassuring birth partner - she'll be a judgy one. She gossiped about your private medical stuff to your Dsis, i wouldn't trust her with intimate knowledge she'd witness being there whilst in labour & wouldn't want her there.

First of all good wishes yanbu. Your mum has let down. She had no right to tell your business.
Having had covid you cannot put yourself or baby at risk. Your mum owes you an apology big time.
Put yourself first and do what is right for you.
In our case husband wanted to be there and for 1st one I was glad, the second I couldn't have cared less who all was there. But as I had a medical condition he was useful.

Your DM doesn't sound ideal anyway if she can be that selfish.
Either DH or on your own.

YANBU

Your mother has made her choice.

Sorry for your loss. That is terrible.
I would go alone. In all honesty it sounds like she will be annoying during the birth.

Very upsetting, OP.

Your Mum has made herself defunct as a birth partner because first and foremost you need someone you trust to put your interests first and be 100% on your side.

She has failed in the practicalities of COVID safety but also dismisses your emotional needs.

I am so sorry about your eldest child. Your mother is utterly heartless to say what she said about infections etc, and in your shoes I would feel betrayed and letdown.

Thankfully there is someone you can trust 100%, and that is yourself.

Wishing you luck as you welcome your baby to the world.

Go it alone. She lied in order to do what she thought was best.

Your birth partner needs to advocate for what you want when you're unable to, even if they think you're being ridiculous with your choices. She has proven she can't fulfil that role.

It will make the experience harder than it needs to be if you have someone in there with you who you can't trust.

seems odd that your mum wouldnt look after the twins so your dp could support you? Could you get someone more trustworthy to do that if it makes you feel less vulnerable? Has your mum not been vaccinated?

No advice as my birth experience doesn't really relate but I would feel so let down. So sorry you're going through this.

I gave birth to DS2 alone. It really was OK - I was so preoccupied with the birth that it didn't matter that DH wasn't there. Sending a virtual hand hold x

I was birth partner for my daughter 2 weeks ago. I've had to mix with other people. So I ordered some lateral flow tests to do before her induction. Hospital also swabbed us both on arrival.

I'm glad I was able to be there for her (first child). There were complications not uncommon with induced births so make sure the midwife is properly up to date with your birth plan. You're basically monitored all the way through so you won't find yourself alone much.

Sorry your moms behaved like this. I'd have stuck to whatever my daughter needed from me.

I had dc3 in June during lockdown, and because DH had to look after dc 1&2 while I was in hospital, I had to give birth alone. Its not what I would have chosen, I would have much rathered had DH with me for support, but it was too risky having anyone else look after the kids.

It was honestly OK. I was scared and felt alone at times, but the midwives were a lot more involved that they were with my 1st 2 births that my husband was present for so I was well supported.

I would weigh up what you're more anxious about- giving birth without a partner, or exposing yourself to a potential covid risk. Pick whichever option makes you feel less anxious - personally I went for giving birth alone, and it sounds like that may be your thinking as well.

I would also be annoyed at being lied to, and it would break the trust I had between me and my mum. You were up front about your concerns, so your mum had the choice to be on board or not - you weren't forcing her. No one should minimise your worries or concerns or unilaterally decide what level of risk you should be comfortable with. On top of being deceitful to boot.

Best of luck with everything OP and congrationulations

Just want to add... your birth partner should be someone you trust, someone who will follow your wishes no questions asked and will advocate for you. I wouldn't trust someone who has behaved like your mother with that responsibility, particularly as you didn't want a birthing partner in the first place, but were doing it for her.

Best of luck for Wednesday. I would go alone in your situation now, you don’t want there to be tension while you are giving birth.

Make sure you take lots of entertainment and snacks with you to keep you busy and content. You have all of us to chat to too!

Best of luck,OP! I can't imagine having lost your precious baby and your own mother treating you so callously in the midst of a global pandemic! My baby was very,very susceptible 20 years ago and I had to isolate from normal germs but had there been a pandemic I'd prolly have been out of my mind with worry. Wishing you the best on Wednesday.

In your position op I would also be feeling angry and betrayed. I do have some sympathy with your mum as well as I a reunion with your sister must have felt impossible to resist, estrangement are so painful, and I suppose she felt torn between two beloved parts of her family.

However, especially since you sadly lost your child due to a virus, I would stick with what feels moat comfortable to you and if that means your mum stays away so be it. I would think she'd be able to understand.

Do it on your own. If I couldn’t have had my husband I’d have done it alone.