To be fuming with birth partner

[balloonswan]

I will try keep this short and clear as possible with the relevant details.

I'm 39 weeks pregnant and due in for an induction on Wednesday.

I have twin boys at home that DH will be looking after. I sort of thought I would do the birth alone as we have been very cautious about covid. (I have congenital heart disease and a blood clotting problem) and my in-laws are not very covid aware, constantly out socialising and basically never followed the rules so even though they live closer (30 minutes) we haven't been seeing them at all.

My mother has been desperate to be my birth partner, her and my dad are unemployed and do genuinely keep inside the house, walk the dogs, and keep to themselves and even though they live (3hr away) I always thought they was trustworthy despite the fact they think I overreact about illnesses etc.
I told her, that if she is to be my birth partner then she has to ideally keep social distancing, isolate as much as possible 10 days before my induction (hospital policy) and considering she is a hermit.. I didn't think this was an issue.

Until yesterday, she lied to me that she was sleeping all day, resting. When I seen on Facebook she was at my sisters house, cuddling and spending time with my nephews (all school aged) she has not seen them since November because she generally is quite estranged from them for other reasons.

She knows I haven't been in contact with my in-laws due to them having kids in school, breaking rules etc but she's basically done the same! When I pulled her up about it she said "I know how you would react, and cba with your dramatic attitude about minor colds and ailments bla bla bla" I then get a message from my estranged sister saying she basically feels sorry for what I'm going through as mum told her all my pregnancy details and birth arrangements and my mental health not being taken serious. So now she's been talking about my issues.

I'm literally fuming, and I don't know if I'm over reacting or not, but I just cannot have any risk near me or my baby. I lost my first baby due to a minor cold he caught as a newborn so since my twins I have been very careful with no visitors etc and overly cautious.

What would you do?

I’m sorry your mum didn’t take you seriously op, especially after the trauma of losing your son . Go it alone my lovely. You have been through the hardest thing on earth and survived, labour will be nothing in comparison.

YANBU. She knew when your induction was; it wouldn’t have taken much for her to isolate for ten days.

She didn’t respect your wishes. If I were you I’d do it alone

I don’t understand all this importance of a birthing partner...I think it’s actually for the midwifes benefit ,so she can pop out ,/deal with other women .
I’ve had 4 births and wished I had ,had the confidence to stand up for what I wanted and not have a birthing partner..utterly hated having the child’s dad there ,really wanted to be alone ,hate being seen vulnerable.but midwives pressured me in to it each time

Could your DM get a test before coming to hospital with you? If she hasn’t seen her young GC in 5 months then I can understand why she went to see them. Your reaction does seem overdramatic, but your trauma from last time makes this response understandable. Have you spoken to a therapist?

Many parents work in schools and nurseries and have babies and young children of their own. They are fine. I wouldn’t fall out over people wanting to see family and go out, but you should explain to you DM why you’re so upset.

I'm actually stunned that your mother said you were being dramatic over minor colds, when you lost your first baby due to a minor cold.

How incomprehensibly thoughtless!

I don't think you should have her as your birth partner and explain yet again as she seems to have forgotten, the reasons you feel extra cautious about illness.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Most the health care workers would have had 2 vaccines by now; most birthing women have covid tests whilst in hospital so do their partners.

If you’re happy and feel safer doing it with a birthing partner then I would. Or a close friend could look after your boys?

Aren't you glad to find out all the same, that you shouldn't rely on your mother?

Better to find out now than to find out the hard way by catching covid.

I would not feel I could rely on my mother on the day for any responsible or mature support if I were in your position.

You have a few days to psych yourself up, and that's not ideal, but you will be fine with the nurses. Take a deep breath and try to stay calm.

Definitely I wouldn't have her as my birthing partner after this. However I would ask her to look after the twins while dh came in as my birthing partner. She would have to test first though.

I cannot believe how insensitive your Mother is about "I know how you would react, and cba with your dramatic attitude about minor colds and ailments bla bla bla" when you lost your first baby to one.

My mother has been desperate to be my birth partner if this was genuinely the case she would not have visited your sister. She could have waited a week to see them.

I would do the birth alone, you will be worrying otherwise and rightly so. She has a very strange attitude towards your completely rational concerns.

I’d go it alone in your shoes.

Your mother has been so disrespectful. It’s not like you asked her to be there and gave her a list of rules. She pushed you and you told her what she’d need to do for you to be comfortable with.

If she felt she didn’t want to miss the chance to see her other GC then she could have told you.

Her dismissive comment after, given your loss, is cruel and tbh disgusting.

Not only would she not be my birthing partner, but I’d be keeping her at arms length with the rest of the people I didn’t trust.

She also broke hospital policy so she has little regard for the staff she is potentially putting at risk too.

I would get her to take a lateral flow test and ask her to be on standby just in case you do want her there after the induction starts. Cases are so low at the moment and if she’s tested beforehand then this cuts the risk right down.

Your Mum was out of order. However it's not worth wasting effort right now to think about that. Just calmly say that you want to give birth without her. For now the only important thing is you and the baby.
Ive had three births, one with DH, one just with midwives and DH at the literal last minute and one on my own (at home) except for DH for the last 15 mins (midwife didn't come despite me asking!). Tbh the last one was my favourite. I didn't have to "entertain" anyone and got into the zone. DH is loving and supportive but I was much happier alone (and watched what I wanted on TV!)
I would then look at going low/no contact with your Mum. The comment about colds is awful given you lost your child. I hope you find a way that works for you.

Everyone talking about lateral flow tests etc are missing the point:
OPs Mum begged to be birthing partner
OP reluctantly agreed but on the proviso that he Mum isolates. Her Mum agrees.
OP finds out Mum not only wasn't isolating but lied about it and disclosed private information to her sister who she isn't close with.
When giving birth you need to be relaxed and around people you can trust. Her Mum has shown not to be that person.

I think your reaction and plans are a little extreme, but understandable with your history (i was so sorry to read aboit your baby), and you were clear with her before she lied and minimised how you were feeling. I'd probably go in alone. I hope it goes well.

Yanbu. I'm 30w and my mum, who we are bubbled with, claims she doesn't see anyone. Not only has she had 5 people IN her house this week and she's been out, albeit legitimately eg for a haircut, every single day. We're considering stopping seeing her because obviously DH and I aren't vaccinated and she doesn't care.

The point of s birth partner is to support you and advocate for you on your behalf especially as you are high risk. Your mother doesn't sound capable of doing either so I would go it alone. If there is someone responsible enough and willing to take care of your twins I would have your oh there, otherwise you can do it alone x

I agree with @Pinchoftums exactly what I was about to say, when reading the thread. Good advice. Good luck OP.

The point about medical staff is a good one your mum could take lateral flow tests and wash hands and wear a face mask. I think there are obviously other issues here. By all means go it alone but your rules do sound a little OTT.

I think I’d sack her off and go alone.

Your labour, your rules. Tell your mum you have decided you would rather go it alone.

Having my mum with me in labour would have been my worst nightmare. She did actually turn up at the hospital when I was having my first and suggest my husband go home and she'd stay with me. I clung onto his hand and refused to let him go. With my second I had a planned home birth and we agreed in advance DH wouldn't be in the room since he hadn't been much help at the first. It was very calm and pleasant, just me and the midwife.

That's really awful on many levels. Lying to you and potentially putting you at risk. Her reaction when confronted. And then effectively forcing you to do it alone after offering you to do it alone. I know you said you're fine with being alone but imagine if you were someone who really needed that support and had been let down like this at the last minute...

You're absolutely right to be fuming. I couldn't forget this. My advice is to tell her not to come, focus on your labour and deal with her later on when/if you have the headspace.

After offering to support you*

YANBU she agreed to do something for.you so she could safely help you when you give birth and then let you down and lied about it. And gossiped about your medical issues. It would massively affect my relationship with her.