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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Have you ever cheated on a partner?

87 replies

morribash · 25/04/2021 08:16

I was talking to my friends yesterday while we all got tipsy in the garden and we started talking about relationships. 2 of my friends outright admitted to cheating on their current partners. I didn't say anything but I've cheated on my ex-partners in the past but not the one I'm currently seeing.
Thinking about people I've worked with and known over the years I think there's a lot who have told me they've cheated on their boyfriends or husbands. Some women I used to work with would do it all the time.
Is it more common now or do we just admit it more now? Have you ever cheated?

OP posts:
ladywithnomanors · 25/04/2021 16:16

I cheated in all my previous relationships. I had very low self esteem and poor mental health. I’ve been with my husband for 17 years now and never cheated. When you e met ‘the one’ you know.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 25/04/2021 16:38

Nearly.

I'd had years of accusations that had escalated from comments like 'women out after dark are only there to pick up men' and 'It's not you I'm worried, it's the men out there/I know what you're like when you're out (HOW?) to him sending nasty messages using my phone, pretending to be me in the hope that the response would give him proof - and accusing me of cheating because I had a shower both before and after my smear test that I didn't want/need him to attend.

I was getting more and more pissed off and actually started going out without him (at which point, he began saying he was in one place and then following me to 'oh, fancy seeing you here, darling!' or 'I had to come and find you because there's an emergency and you weren't answering your phone' (usually something like he'd heard something in the news that there was a murder of a sex worker reported 40 miles away and I was obviously a victim that hadn't been discovered yet, so he'd driven 100 miles to save me) - to the extent that the local doormen would refuse him entry without telling me because they knew he was just being stalky and weird.

When I managed to persuade him to go back to his own flat for a bit before he lost the tenancy for not being there, the relief was incredible. And yes, I had to do it that way because if had thought I was going to finish with him, he'd have given notice on the flat and refused to leave. Naturally, the accusations came thick and fast by text and he claimed he could see me in the pub with somebody and was just off to kill himself now, amongst other things.

The last straw was having a group of us climbing out of a venue window wearing costumes because he was outside claiming there was an emergency and he had to be let in to find me, but he wouldn't tell the doorman what it was, it was just 'really important family matters'. When we go to the next place, I decided 'fuck it, I'm going to be accused of all sorts anyway' so I had more than one drink and ended up having a lovely hug and a kiss on the forehead.

The emergency finally turned out to be his mother was going on her first date since being widowed. Like I gave a fuck one way or another how he felt about that. And yes, I was accused of being more interested in having sex with x person (because he'd seen me snogging that person through three bouncers, two brick walls and a solid oak door, apparently) whilst he was suffering because his father was dead and his mother was moving on instead of mourning his Daddy'. With somebody that wasn't even in the group that night, not the guy who hugged me.

Had the man that hugged me invited me to stay with him that night, I would have done, because I was at the point of as I was going to be accused of cheating anyway, I might as well have had some decent sex for a change to show for it.

I dumped him in the end the following morning by telling his mother I'd call the police if he ever contacted me again.

I'm sure any subsequent mugs were told by him that I cheated throughout.

oldshoeuk · 25/04/2021 16:53

Done cheating and done swinging. Swinging I could handle every weekend, cheating was a terrible mistake and I did loads of that.

I've been cheat free for years now and I really hope it stays that way for my and partners health. Swinging is on pause for the moment, but would happily start again.

VanillaCokeZero · 25/04/2021 18:39

Nope. Never. I’d like to say I never would either but I recognise most cheaters probably believed that at one point too and you can’t fully ever predict the future.

There are two situations where I think cheating isn’t as morally wrong though. The first being where one half of the couple has really severe memory loss and is living in a care facility, I think it’s fair for the other spouse to move on romantically, many do while still visiting their spouse which I completely understand. The other is when someone has been in an abusive relationship and only gets the strength to leave when they find love elsewhere and realise they can be desired and wanted by someone else. It’s so hard to just find the courage and take the very real risk to your life to leave, I understand why many can’t when being alone is on the other side. And struggle to feel sympathy for an abuser being cheated on.

The rest of the time I genuinely think it’s one of the worst things you can do to another human being, you deprive them of consent to choose whether they want to be in the reality of the relationship they’re in, often put their health at risk, and are essentially sexually assaulting someone by shagging them having cheated and not told them as you’re withholding a massive piece of info that puts them at risk and means they’re not having the sex they believed they were: within the confines of a monogamous relationship.

It truly disgusts me and I’ve never been cheated on. It’s one of the worst pains you can inflict on someone, there’s absolutely no way anyone could convince me it’s possible to love someone and cheat on them. If you’re capable of disrespecting someone to that extent to get your own sexual or emotional rocks off you don’t love them. They’re just convenient.

I acknowledge though that to an extent it’s human nature. For as long as there have been people there has been cheating. It’ll never change. But I wouldn’t be able to live with myself being one of them.

VanillaCokeZero · 25/04/2021 18:40

I’m very surprised your friends admitted it so openly too. I know so many people who would anonymously tell the partner. They took a big risk there.

Probably arrogant enough to believe even if their partner found out they wouldn’t leave them. Or maybe they have more info they haven’t let on, like how they’ve both cheated or have an arrangement.

ThePearSquare · 25/04/2021 18:44

Nope, not with either my husband or my ex boyfriend (who was a giant arsehole) however I know a few friends have cheated on past partners, and I know one who’s cheated on her current partner a few times but they’re a train wreck.

notagainmummy · 26/04/2021 11:35

I did with my abusive ex, because I knew he was doing it to me constantly. Would never cheat now.

Chanjer · 26/04/2021 11:40

I did when with an ex when I was about 18 or 19. It was the catalyst that made me leave what was an unhappy relationship

Been with current partner for 25ish years and never cheated on her but she cheated on me once

FuckingFabulous · 26/04/2021 14:26

As a teenager, yes. It was all very drunken and dramatic as my boyfriend at the time was quite obsessive and stalkerish. He had to know who I was talking to, what everyone was wearing, if anyone was smoking, if I had more than one drink. He even tracked me down to a pub once based on the music he heard playing over the phonecall. I wasn't really allowed to do anything so I fancied myself quite swept up in the forbidden passion of it all. I confessed immediately and broke up with my boyfriend, only to have him break down sobbing, insisting we were soulmates and I'd broken his heart. Some weeks later it emerged that he had cheated on me and visited lap dancing clubs and paid for private dances etc. He was less tearful then. 😐

As an adult, no. I felt the connections I chose to make as an adult were ones I'd entered into expecting the same level of trust and support I put in. Sadly, that wasn't always reciprocated. I felt at times that this was my karma for cheating as a teen.

morribash · 26/04/2021 23:08

@merryhouse

That's really interesting. Perhaps we just admit it more now!

OP posts:
CHtR · 26/04/2021 23:25

I’ve cheated on every single person I’ve been with. I am terrible. Never happy and always looking for something new. Awful behaviour. I need a therapist.

Maggiesfarm · 26/04/2021 23:31

I certainly did cheat on boyfriends before meeting my husband. I enjoyed having a secret life on several occasions, it was great fun. When husband and I got together I knew it was different and was prepared to commit to him.

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