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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Have you ever cheated on a partner?

87 replies

morribash · 25/04/2021 08:16

I was talking to my friends yesterday while we all got tipsy in the garden and we started talking about relationships. 2 of my friends outright admitted to cheating on their current partners. I didn't say anything but I've cheated on my ex-partners in the past but not the one I'm currently seeing.
Thinking about people I've worked with and known over the years I think there's a lot who have told me they've cheated on their boyfriends or husbands. Some women I used to work with would do it all the time.
Is it more common now or do we just admit it more now? Have you ever cheated?

OP posts:

NEVERQUIT3331 · 25/04/2021 13:34

Also using drink as an excuse does not cut it. By that logic people who do bad things when drunk should not be held accountable (cheating, drink driving, racist rants etc..)

Original poster

morribash · 25/04/2021 14:06

I want to add I've also been cheated on a lot too so it's really a question I'm asking because it's just way more common than I thought. My current partner has cheated on me twice that I know of years ago and most people before that also cheated on me in relationships. I feel like I accepted men did it a lot but I'm now wondering if it's more equal?
I'm not looking for sympathy or anything. I just am curious about how common cheating is now.

OP posts:

pepsicolagirl · 25/04/2021 14:24

Never cheated with any of my exes, I have cheated on DH though. 18 years ago, it was during/after a really low point in our relationship but if I am honest I don't regret it. Yes, I should have dealt with things differently but I didn't and now 18yrs on here we are.

merryhouse · 25/04/2021 14:24

I'm not sure you can say it's more prevalent.

Back in the - 40s? 50s? quite some time before DNA testing, anyway - there was a study using blood groups of newborns which (I believe inadvertently) threw up the interesting data that ten per cent of the babies could not possibly have been fathered by their official fathers.

GinJeanie · 25/04/2021 14:36

Not in my marriage and never would. In my twenties, I cheated on a couple of partners. Afterwards, I felt terrible and finished the relationships but didn't tell them as didn't want to destroy them further. I guess I realised I couldn't carry on being with someone, having done that... I remember feeling like an appalling human being at the time. Tbh, I suspect one of them was cheating on me too ☹

GrandTheftWalrus · 25/04/2021 14:39

My exH cheated on me, hit me, gaslighted me etc yet I stuck with him.

I went away for work and met my now DH while I was there. Nothing happened but it gave me the courage to actually face up to the fact my marriage was going nowhere and I needed to end it. After I split with ex I started a relationship with my dh and we are still very happy 7 years on.

I was with my ex h from 13-29 and I still can't believe that I go the courage to leave, get my own flat etc and actually live alone for a while etc.

GrandTheftWalrus · 25/04/2021 14:40

Missed the actual point of thread there, even though he done all that to me, I still couldn't cheat on him.

year5teacher · 25/04/2021 14:42

Yep. As a teenager, though. Also maybe age 20-21 but I’m not sure if those could even be considered “relationships” - but I knew the other person wanted to be exclusive even if we weren’t actually.

JammyGem · 25/04/2021 14:44

Yes I have, on an ex. Not proud of it. He told me I wasn't physically attractive anymore since I'd put on weight after starting antidepressants. I was planning to break up with him after work, went for a couple drinks beforehand with a coworker for some Dutch courage. Ended up going home with the colleague.

I tried to tell him straight away the next morning in a gentle way, but he started making fun of me so it came out pretty brutally. That relationship was over way before I cheated, but it was a real dick move so I vowed to myself that if I were ever that unhappy in a relationship again I'd end it before shagging someone else.

I don't buy excuses for cheating. If one of you cheated, the relationship is not working. I don't know anyone that has ever come back from infidelity for the long run.

Kittykat93 · 25/04/2021 14:47

Dont think you'll get a very balanced response here. Even those admitting to cheating most are saying they were in an abusive relationship.. or were a teenager that didn't know better..in reality a lot of women cheat, just as a lot of men cheat. Its life

XenoBitch · 25/04/2021 14:48

I cheated on an ex when I was 21, and ended up leaving him for the new guy. My ex was emotionally abusive... someone else showed me kindness, after 2 years of being told I was not worth any.
I do not regret it at all. What I do regret is being made to feel so small and pathetic for so long, and believing that everyone saw me like that. He went on to treat his next girlfriend the same too.

BarryTheKestrel · 25/04/2021 14:52

Technically yes, but no.

Had a first date with someone, didn't think it had gone well, left and the next day slept with a friend of mine as a one off. First date man thought date went excellently and wanted a second date, within a week he was a stage one clinger, passing out a key to his house and all sorts. I stayed with him for maybe a month before running for the hills (I was 20 and an idiot, I should have never gone back for a second date). In his mind we were in a relationship from the moment of the first date, in my mind, we really weren't. So to him, I had cheated, to me, we weren't together.

I have however been cheated on by exes and have always said I'd end a relationship if I wanted to cheat or was attracted to anyone else beyond a fleeting crush.

B33Fr33 · 25/04/2021 14:54

No. I've been cheated on. I guess you're now thinking how best to have your cake and eat it with your latest? Cheaters always do.

joystir59 · 25/04/2021 14:55

Never. When I was young I had several boyfriends at the same time but I wasn't committed to any of them so it wasn't cheating. Never since being in serious committed relationships.

rainbowthoughts · 25/04/2021 14:59

I have. I'm autistic and many years before my diagnosis I used alcohol to cope with situations. I had no boundaries and really couldn't help but become absolutely infatuated with people.

I'm glad to say I am many years sober, happily married for 20 years and understand myself a lot better. The obsessive behaviour hasn't left me but it manifests on different ways now. Not people. Not sex.

MrsDoctorDear · 25/04/2021 14:59

Nope, would never enter my head.

Dipi79 · 25/04/2021 15:03

I've cheated in every relationship I have ever been in. After leaving my ex 3 years ago, I vowed to stay single and celibate until I have worked through trauma (including sexual abuse) experienced in childhood and adulthood. No-one deserves me treating them like shit because of my screwed up internal world.

Pinkdelight3 · 25/04/2021 15:16

No, never have, and don't think I ever would, but can see how it happens and I wouldn't be sanctimonious about it. There but for the grace of god etc. Also I made sure I'd been around the block plenty of times before committing so I knew I'd not feel like I was missing out on anything. I imagine it can be way harder to stay faithful if you married young and have had little to compare it to, easy to think the grass is greener. I also feel like cheating would be massively stressful, sneaking around, lying etc and any benefits would be outweighed by that for people like me, whereas some others might find that adds to the excitement and attraction. If there was a guarantee that we could get away with it, would we feel differently?? Anyhow, in regard to the male/female thing, the men have been cheating with someone and often not single someones, so it stands to reason that plenty of women have been up to stuff too. Certainly it's harder for women having less freedom/opportunities if they're tied to families, but on the other hand, if they want to cheat, they probably don't have to try as hard to get laid as a cheating guy might.

Iseeyoulookingatme · 25/04/2021 15:17

I cheated on an ex. My grandmother passed away and I was very upset but instead of supporting me he told me to get over it so I got over him. I have no regrets whatsoever. I have been with dh 16 years and not cheated on him and I have not cheated on previous partners just him.

Onlinedilema · 25/04/2021 15:31

You don’t know whether your friends or relatives have cheated for sure, you only know what they tell you. I’ve met plenty of , usually women, who have slept their way to the top, usually the men in charge were not single. It shouldn’t happen but it does. Happened in my last jobs. One of the reasons I left was because I knew my career progression had come to an end as I wasn’t shagable material. I wouldn’t cheat on dh for all the tea in China so there you go.

MarshmallowAra · 25/04/2021 15:36

I cheated on a guy I was with for eight months when I was about 25, we had gotten married too (was years ago, before some now EU States were fully in the EU and his residence status was vulnerable, he was supposed to be working a limited number of hours while being a student but wasn't, was working full time etc) which made it more significant and regrettable.

There was no sex but sexual but sexual contact. I had a crisis of conscience and tried to end the relationship around the time but he got v upset, said he couldn't cope etc and I continued it, only to end it to honour with an older man a few months later.

I've apologised to him twice, he's nice enough to have remained in civil contact since then .. but it doesn't really change it being shit.

I also cheated on my now DH in the first few weeks of the relationship (again sexual.contact but no sex) and an emotional affair (one sided emotional affair really and some sexting) before I broke up with him a couple of years into the relationship. We got back together, he copes incredibly well (or appears to) with the knowledge, I couldn't if it were reversed. We are more like house mates now though, and every now and then during stressful periods, he suggests breaking up & divorcing.

The person who said it's cowardly is correct.

MarshmallowAra · 25/04/2021 15:39

In case that wasn't clear - the relationship lasted bout 8 months, i didnt cheat on him for eight months).

ChristmasAlone · 25/04/2021 15:45

Have cheated, paid for a male escort as well once. I've never had an ongoing affair, not that it makes it any better, but it was all when I was young and stupid.

LadyWhistledownsPen · 25/04/2021 15:46

Nope I never have and I never would. My first husband cheated on me and I would never inflict that level of pain on someone else ever. It's cowardly and morally wrong. If you're not happy in a relationship you end it.

rainbowthoughts · 25/04/2021 16:12

If you're not happy in a relationship you end it.

When I did cheated it was me I wasn't happy with, not my partner. The benefit of hindsight!

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