To think my parents have a drink problem?

[notaknob]

I'm 30 and have only had a drink once in the last year. I used to enjoy a cocktail or two it but I don't anymore and the thought makes me squirm.

My parents are together, married for years, they say it's because they work hard. But they go through 2-4 bottles of wine per night. Every night without fail. Whenever I visit they are already drinking. If I call in an emergency (like this week my husband went into hospital and I had to drive him. I needed one of them to pop round to wait with the kids.
The first thing I said was "have you had a drink" not "can you do me a favour". That's not normal is it? Both of them had of course. It was only about 5.30pm.

It feels like because they work and don't look like alcoholics, then they see no problem. But they can't go without it for a single day and i hate it.

**IEat

That’s a lot between 2, are you sure it’s 2-4 bottles a night? Maybe it’s 1-2 but one bottle gets open and not finished , one bottle is 4 glasses so 2 glasses each*

One bottle is 4 glasses..??!!

How big are your glasses??

One bottle does about 8 glasses in our house.

One bottle does about 8 glasses in our house.

You must have tiny wine glasses. A standard glass of wine is 125 ml so 6 in a bottle.

That's a huge amount to drink. I think lockdowns have made it much worse. If you wfh you don't need to worry about driving or looking presentable. You can also start drinking again once you clock off. It's a slippy slope. It's terrible for health also. I don't know what you can do OP except express your concerns and suggest they reduce.

My DH drinks two bottles of wine per night (sometimes more). He has a senior job which is stressful too. I have no idea how he does it but he does. So all those wondering whether the OP has accurate facts I can assure you it can be 'normal'. Your tolerance increases the more you drink.

@Jumpalicious

(1) yes they are addicts (2) the fact that you hate it says it all

Ps my mother was same. It’s a slippery one, she was functioning like this in her 50s (although nasty with it) but only looked like a wino on street corner in her 70s. I have no idea how she did it, as @tttigress says, it would kill me after just a few days.
Be prepared for denial and underplaying tho, if you do bring it up. My mother used to deny she had drunk anything while she was off her face, be funny if it wasn’t so awful. It’s incredibly frustrating and horrible and you have my sympathies op.

Absolutely what Jumpalicious says. I wouldn't allow my mother to spend any time alone with my dd. In truth my mother didn't really care - she put alcohol first in her life from her 40s onwards. She would be blind drunk and spitting venom at all of us and would still deny that she had a problem.

It is awful to watch Op, and I think that you need to protect yourself and disengage.

Yes that’s a lot of alcohol. I think its more common than we think to drink loads but still work, function, etc. Lockdown won’t have helped. There’s little you can do - they are adults, and they clearly enable each other. Express concern for sure, bu5 expect to be ignored, sadly

They are alcohol dependent.

I’d say functioning alcoholics. It’s sad but their life.

@IEat

That’s a lot between 2, are you sure it’s 2-4 bottles a night? Maybe it’s 1-2 but one bottle gets open and not finished , one bottle is 4 glasses so 2 glasses each

I wondered this too

Apart from anything else, how would anyone's bladder cope?! Are you sure it's that much?

@Meruem

I think it’s a difficult situation. On the one hand I totally understand your concerns and of course you’re going to be worried about them. On the other hand, they are grown adults and don’t have the responsibilities of young DC etc so if they want to drink that’s really up to them. They’ve raised you and I’m guessing did a good job? So if they now want to spend their free time drinking it is their choice. I don’t mean that harshly but there’s really not much you can do about it.

I have DC in their early 30’s. I barely touched alcohol through their childhood. I enjoy a glass of wine quite often now. Not as much as your parents but certainly way more than I ever drank when DC were kids. I make my own risk assessments on my health. If I want to do something knowing it isn’t the most healthy thing to do that’s my choice. None of us are obligated to try and live as long as we possibly can and honestly not everyone prioritises that. As we age we decide. Do we want to go down the healthy route, cut calories, get plenty of exercise, barely drink etc and maybe live a long time in good health (although it’s still no guarantee) or do we just do what we want and take our chances. I personally try and come out somewhere in the middle of the two. How that will work out I don’t know yet! But it’s absolutely my decision.

This. My parents (mom and stepdad, dad and stepmom) are all what I would consider to be functioning alcoholics. But it’s their choice and as long as it doesn’t impact on me (ie they don’t get legless, unpleasant, violent etc) then there’s nothing I can do about it. They all say they would rather enjoy themselves with a drink now and have no desire to live forever. There’s a strong streak of Alzheimer’s in my family and I think to an extent my mom fears getting very old. I don’t mean she’s trying to drink herself to death, but she wants to enjoy the time she has and if that means having a drink or two, so be it. If their decisions re alcohol impact badly on me or my children, then I’ll act. But until then, it’s none of my business.

2-4 bottles an evening? I’d say that’s a huge amount.

They clearly are alcoholics.

My parents are the same, have been for years. They start drinking with an apero around 5pm (cock a doodle doo - the sun's over the yard arm etc), and finish around 11 with a couple of 'nightcaps'. They have sustained this for years, and years, and years. They have never missed work (retired now), never drove when drunk, both held down responsible jobs when they were working, both in far better health than my teetotal PIL.

We don't live near them so never need them for emergency childcare etc. So TBH I take the view that they are adults and it's up to them. They seem to quite enjoy their lives: they spend most of the day gardening / sewing / doing DIY / cooking / meeting with friends / travelling to France etc (retired). Drinking doesn't stop them doing anything they'd otherwise want to do as far as I know - they don't have any great desire to run a marathon or whatever. They've got plenty of money, their time is their own, they don't have any childcare or other responsibilities. So I'm not sure how their drinking could be described as a "drinking problem": I don't really see where the problem is? The worst that happens is that my mum, who is annoying at the best of times, is even more so with a drink in her, so I avoid certain topics / discussions after dinner if we are with them. But other than that?

Healthwise, of course it's not great. Do they have some kind of moral obligation to stop drinking in order to remain healthy? To my sister and I? or to society? It's an interesting question. My sister gets quite stressed about it, but I think she's on a hiding to nothing. The behaviour is so entrenched, they enjoy what they are doing, they don't (yet) see any disbenefits so why would they stop?

Were they like this when you were younger?
Both my parents were from a young age, knew not to ask for lifts after a certain time, daily trips to supermarket for their alcohol.
My mum has died now, lived in complete denial of a problem, died of malnourishment due to decompensated liver disease. Awful awful way to go in her late 50's.
Dad still drinks in the same pattern.
Your parents are definitely alcoholics. If you confront them you won't get a good reception but that's not to say you shouldn't ofcourse.

My DM is like this. DF used to be as bad but has cut back drastically due to a few health scares he’s suffered in recent years. DM however is a nightmare and would be useless in an emergency after say 6pm as she’d be unfit to drive. She can’t see this though and gets very defensive, even aggressive when it’s pointed out to her that she drinks too much. My personal feeling is that she is unable to stop but is unable to admit it. Interestingly now DF has cut back he also sees it and comments frequently because the scales have fallen from his eyes but DM just gets annoyed with him as well.

It’s almost certainly a generational thing. I don’t want to get into any boomer bashing, but it does seem to be mostly the over 60’s I know who drink like this as several of my uncles and aunts and parents friends are exactly the same.

To answer a few of the questions. I reckon it's got steadily worse over time.
We didn't have a lot of money when I was in primary school. But if we went for a family meal they would have had a wine or something.
They paid mortgage off when I was about 12 and earnt more money then.
I remember mum would send me to the corner shop to get her favourite bottle of wine most nights when I was old enough. Quite quickly it was ""oh go on get me two". Then she would get it delivered in big cases by companies.

I'd say I noticed every night by the time I was about 19 but it's steadily escalated more. I know because they are open about it

Things that strike me are that if there is drunk involved they will socialise; but if we asked them to do anything they would rather sit at home and have a wine. Absolutely all the time.c
I just find it so uncomfortable since ringing and having to ask (have you both had a drink?). It was on a week night.
My mum works from home but my dad drives. He's probably over the limit.

The next morning I mean.

They are drinking excessively. I've heard of this happening to a lot of people. They lead busy, stressful lives so look forward to unwinding with a glass of wine as a reward. This starts to happen every day and then the amount of alcohol consumed is increased.

To stop, they would need to break the cycle but I suspect they may never do this. They enjoy the alcohol so why would they stop?

I think you need to speak to them about it. It might not go well. Because it's both of them with the issue, it will probably become them Vs you. I think you should raise it though and tell them you're worried about them.

My parents are the same, makes it even worse that they run a pub, it's toxic and makes me so worried

Yes, they are alcoholics.
While it's not negatively impacting on their lives they can laugh it off and be the type of 'fun' people for who it is always 'wine o'clock'.
Unfortunately, excessive alcohol consumption doesn't remain 'fun' for most.
Health issues both physical and mental, an accident at home, drink driving, issues with work and friends/families who 'interfere' will often arise and things come tumbling down.
I say this as a recovered ( 5years sober) alcoholic.

@notaknob

The next morning I mean.

I think you can report that anonymously.

Tbh it's a good idea to do that and don't say anything about their drinking.

Friends of ours are functioning alcoholics,they would deny it though.wine/,beer from 3pm on a weekend then moving onto vodka.Vodka every night during the week.Both work full time.

It can possibly lead to being a serious alcoholic later, if this is what they have been doing for many years.

I lived with an alcoholic partner many years ago, His drinking increased over time,sometimes he would function fairly well, but as time went by, he started to drink mostly all day, and into the night, and then things went downhill rapidly. His mental capacity was shrinking, and his food intake was getting near the zero point.

Ultimately,although trying to help him, which was impossible, he eventually died, with extreme liver complications.

Yes, it's a lot - on the other hand, it's not their responsibility to stay sober on the off-chance you have a crisis.