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Original poster

To think my parents have a drink problem?

91 replies

notaknob · 25/04/2021 00:08

I'm 30 and have only had a drink once in the last year. I used to enjoy a cocktail or two it but I don't anymore and the thought makes me squirm.

My parents are together, married for years, they say it's because they work hard. But they go through 2-4 bottles of wine per night. Every night without fail. Whenever I visit they are already drinking. If I call in an emergency (like this week my husband went into hospital and I had to drive him. I needed one of them to pop round to wait with the kids.
The first thing I said was "have you had a drink" not "can you do me a favour". That's not normal is it? Both of them had of course. It was only about 5.30pm.

It feels like because they work and don't look like alcoholics, then they see no problem. But they can't go without it for a single day and i hate it.

OP posts:
CoRhona · 25/04/2021 06:50

My hairdresser said that during lockdown they were starting drinking at 1pm every day.

They are diabetic too so goodness knows what they are doing to themselves.

Kapalika · 25/04/2021 07:20

I mean, yes, that’s a lot and yes, it’s probably a problem.
Are they retired? Any kids at home? We’re they like this when you were younger and dependant on them?

cameocat · 25/04/2021 07:30

I think the current trend is not to speak of alcoholism but rather alcohol dependence which they certainly are. The more you drink, the more your tolerance increases and therefore the more your body needs / craves.

There is little you can do if they don't see a problem themselves. Flowers

Couldhavebeenme2 · 25/04/2021 08:08

My exh drank at least a bottle every night and could empty 3 boxes of wine (=12 bottles) over a weekend.

Barely functioning alcoholic - managed to get to work and back but completely disengaged from family life, when it comes to your first question being 'have you had a drink' I think you know that they're in trouble.

It sounds like they're not interested in cutting back, and won't hear your concerns. You need to consider your stance on this to protect your own feelings OP.

MiaMc · 25/04/2021 08:16

They claim they drink so much because they work hard, yet they’ve already started drinking before 5.30?.... are they drinking while they’re working??

tttigress · 25/04/2021 08:40

OMG, I would die if I had to spend 2 or 3 evenings in a row drinking like that.

Seems like a problem to me. So what happens when you bring the subject of their drinking up?

Meruem · 25/04/2021 10:13

I think it’s a difficult situation. On the one hand I totally understand your concerns and of course you’re going to be worried about them. On the other hand, they are grown adults and don’t have the responsibilities of young DC etc so if they want to drink that’s really up to them. They’ve raised you and I’m guessing did a good job? So if they now want to spend their free time drinking it is their choice. I don’t mean that harshly but there’s really not much you can do about it.

I have DC in their early 30’s. I barely touched alcohol through their childhood. I enjoy a glass of wine quite often now. Not as much as your parents but certainly way more than I ever drank when DC were kids. I make my own risk assessments on my health. If I want to do something knowing it isn’t the most healthy thing to do that’s my choice. None of us are obligated to try and live as long as we possibly can and honestly not everyone prioritises that. As we age we decide. Do we want to go down the healthy route, cut calories, get plenty of exercise, barely drink etc and maybe live a long time in good health (although it’s still no guarantee) or do we just do what we want and take our chances. I personally try and come out somewhere in the middle of the two. How that will work out I don’t know yet! But it’s absolutely my decision.

Dozer · 25/04/2021 10:16

Sounds like an alcohol problem, yes. Wouldn’t let them have unsupervised access to small DC, since even when not drinking that level of drinking will affect their capability, and wouldn’t go to them in an emergency.

Useful material from Al Anon, for families of people with problem drinking.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 25/04/2021 10:23

That's loads..

I think they'd be classed as functioning alcoholics.

Little you can do.. Apart from ensure they are never in charge of your kids

blubberyboo · 25/04/2021 10:26

If they try to go a night without a drink and they have any withdrawal symptoms such as shaking or strong cravings then they are addicted. I strongly suspect they would based on what you have said.

You could suggest they try this or buy them a breathalyser for the morning and they might find they are regularly over the limit.

So far they are not seeing it like this as they only drink at night and are functioning during the day so don’t compare themselves to the normal stereotype of an alcoholic.

RedcurrantPuff · 25/04/2021 10:28

God yes that’s a lot of booze

PumpkinPie2016 · 25/04/2021 10:34

It's a lot and I understand what you mean. My parents are like this. Mostly my mum - my dad can't do it on the days he works due to his job.

I honestly don't know how my mum functions -she holds down a responsible job which she is excellent at. If I drunk what she does, I couldn't get through the next day.

Unfortunately, it wouldn't go down well if I said anything but I do worry about their health Sad

Tal45 · 25/04/2021 10:34

Could you invite them round for the evening, say you'll get some drinks in and then say you forgot and see how they cope? There only so much you can do but if they can't go for one evening without a drunk that must tell them something surely? It's easy for these things to creep up on you and to not realise I think.

pointythings · 25/04/2021 10:35

They're functioning alcoholics - not so much because of how much they drink but because they can't do without it. It will have an impact on their health.

Sadly there is nothing you can do about it except not rely on them for anything. Just assume they will never be sober enough to drive.

Jumpalicious · 25/04/2021 10:40

(1) yes they are addicts
(2) the fact that you hate it says it all

Ps my mother was same. It’s a slippery one, she was functioning like this in her 50s (although nasty with it) but only looked like a wino on street corner in her 70s. I have no idea how she did it, as @tttigress says, it would kill me after just a few days.
Be prepared for denial and underplaying tho, if you do bring it up. My mother used to deny she had drunk anything while she was off her face, be funny if it wasn’t so awful. It’s incredibly frustrating and horrible and you have my sympathies op.

Mollymalone123 · 25/04/2021 10:44

If they can’t go one def without the ‘need’ for a drink they are alcoholics- it doesn’t matter how many units-ex husband was functioning alcoholic

Mollymalone123 · 25/04/2021 10:44

One day not def!

IEat · 25/04/2021 10:51

That’s a lot between 2, are you sure it’s 2-4 bottles a night? Maybe it’s 1-2 but one bottle gets open and not finished , one bottle is 4 glasses so 2 glasses each

Fluffycloudland77 · 25/04/2021 10:54

Yes but it’s becoming normalised in this country and any attempts by the nhs or government are met with accusations of interference by the nanny state.

If you drink a bottle of wine a night and all your friends do also it doesn’t mean it’s healthy or normal it means you’ve all got a drink problem

DinosaurDiana · 25/04/2021 10:54

My DH drinks a bottle of wine every night, and has done for years. He used to drink more when working.
He doesn’t get ‘drunk’ so doesn’t see it as a problem 🙄

CantBeAssed · 25/04/2021 11:08

My is ex is an alcoholic....every excuse woild have been given to justify having a have a drink...in a good mood or good news..celebrate with a drink, im a bad mood ..have a drink, stressed about something..have a drink, promise that he was going to have a break from drinking..so he'd have 1 last drink.. could never not have a supply of drink in house.
Aside from everything else, it is bloody tedious and boring to watch.
Does sound like your parents have an unhealthy relationship.with alcohol..

Whatawaytogo · 25/04/2021 11:11

@notaknob

Silly question but at what point do they become alcoholics? How many units per day every day? Are they already there? I'm gutted at the realisation to be honest. They just laugh it off
It’s not about quantity It’s about reliance Your parents are functioning alcoholics

My mother was once. And then became non-functioning. And then passed away

Quincie · 25/04/2021 11:12

It might be partly lockdown because if you want to go for a meal/ night out/ anywhere - someone has to drive. If you don't go out you can both drink.

Whatawaytogo · 25/04/2021 11:12

How long has this been the case?
How do you know the quantity?

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 25/04/2021 11:17

That’s a lot of alcohol. The label “alcoholic” perhaps doesn’t do much good in itself, I suppose the real question is how much is it having a detrimental effect on their lives? Health wise it’s a disaster waiting to happen. It must be financially crippling! And like many PP I hope they don’t drive because with that amount per evening they are literally never under the legal limit (depending on where you are I suppose, I’m in Scotland and would never feel safe to drive if I was drinking that amount...by the time they are sober enough to drive it’ll be time to start drinking again.) I don’t know what you can do other than trying to frame it as concern for their health and wanting them to be around to watch their DGC grow up.

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