To think there are no women without imposter syndrome?

[TwinkleToesForever]

I suffer terribly with imposter syndrome. I am an experienced professional and work in a high performing environment. I am in a constant state of anxiety, feel like a fraud and am very hard on myself for the smallest error. I always reflect on what I’ve said in meetings and feel like a complete fool. Everyone around me seems highly competent and more in favour with the boss. I am exhausted with it all and think daily about resigning because I’m just not good enough and can’t take the pressure anymore. On the other hand I earn well and I feel fortunate to have the position I have . I’ve read that this is very common in women - Anyone out there not feel like they are failing every day? That they are good at their job? How do you do it? I’d love to learn some coping mechanisms and generally how to give myself a break!!! I am also thinking daily that because this job makes me miserable ( very alpha and competitive culture) I should just give up and leave, but then I’d probably beat myself up for that too! Any advice welcome!!

Thanks @lightlypoached - I agree I need to be practical in my approach and use some hard facts and empirical evidence to challenge the imposter feelings. Like you say, I also need to back myself and be more assertive around my achievements. I’m known to be an empathetic leader that builds high levels of trust with both customers and my team and broader org ( last talent review). I know this is something unique in my business and that many of the men on my team don’t have. I should feel good about this and learn to use this to raise profile and build my own confidence.

Honestly this thread has been so helpful. Both learning from those of you that don’t have IS and those that do ( my heart goes out to you and I hope you can also take some good advice from this thread) it’s been an eye opener for me. Great advice from some seriously strong women. Thank you all!

@NurseButtercup

Imposter syndrome melts away when:

-you stop caring about what other people think.
-stop trying to be perfect, you will never know everything.
-accept, acknowledge and own your mistakes and gaps in your knowledge.

• making mistakes is part of learning & growth.

-recognise and accept that your peers, colleagues and senior management are basic humans like yourself and most days feel the same as you.

This is it in a nutshell.

@NurseButtercup well written post 👍

I never had it during my working life. You can't assume everyone else is the same as you.

@NurseButtercup

Imposter syndrome melts away when:

-you stop caring about what other people think.
-stop trying to be perfect, you will never know everything.
-accept, acknowledge and own your mistakes and gaps in your knowledge.

• making mistakes is part of learning & growth.

-recognise and accept that your peers, colleagues and senior management are basic humans like yourself and most days feel the same as you.

Great post.

It’s also great to read the accounts of women who are filled with confidence and recognise their value to their employers. I work with many excellent women and this isn’t always the case.

I do get imposter syndrome, especially when starting a new job. But it doesn't cripple me with anxiety and once I get into the swing of the job I feel fine, confident even. I'm a fake it till you make it kind of person, and I've always made it thus far!

Anyone out there not feel like they are failing every day? That they are good at their job? How do you do it?

I don't have IS. I don't need to know if I'm "good" at my job. I'm happy with competent most of the time as standard to reach. Mistakes are opportunities to learn to do better. I have zero need to impress anyone.

From what I have seen of good leaders (male or females) they don't get emotionally invested in their mistakes. Instead of being upset at his failures they delight in the moments when they figure out a better way to do things. They may be resigned to the fact they're always behind on details but someone will nag if it's important to get some specific detail done. If they maintain good relationships with the team then Team will manage details for them.

One chap I work with falls asleep in big international meetings -- he doesn't feel bad about it. Since they honestly worked on making a best decision, they don't mind fact wrong decisions & can comfortably own mistakes & face consequences. I guess there is deference to seniors, but not great need to curry specific favour.

Ideally don't hold grudges or dwell on what others think, just move on to finding nicer people to work with.

honestly I could be describing Donald Trump -- those are the recipe elements for feeling comfortable in Leadership, I reckon some universal elements.

Definitely no imposter syndrome here. I’m not particularly senior, and I wouldn’t want to be, but I do have vast amounts of experience and a very high level of technical expertise in a very niche area. I know my stuff, and others look to me for advice and guidance.

I do stay in my comfort zone, though, and would be completely clueless If I stepped outside it. If I was tasked with leading a project outside my field, I wouldn’t have the first clue where to begin.

I don’t have it. Your title is strange.

I’m good at what I do because I work hard at it. I graft, I’ve studied extensively, and as a result I know I’m quite good at it. My career progression has also illustrated that.

What fucks me off is the culture that somehow still remains whereby anyone enquiring about something will always defer to any man present, even if that man is significantly junior to me.

@Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername

I am at the top of my game, and there are only 10,000 of us in this industry, in the world. I own my own company, have a 6 figure income and am fully respected in this industry. I work with very powerful people, and deserve to be working alongside them, as I've worked hard to get here. However I still feel like I don't do a good job, and I shouldn't be where I am. I learn something new every day and that humbles me. My staff humble me because without them, where would I be? I think anybody that is overly confident and claims not to have IS is bordering on arrogance

For god's sake.

Why can't we let people - women especially - just know they're good at something? Being glad for the staff who helped you get where you are and learning something new every day isn't having imposter syndrome, it's continued professional development and being a nice fucking person. You can do both of those things and still fully believe you're good at, and deserve, your job. That doesn't make you arrogant at all. Why wouldn't we aspire for a workforce full of people who are confident in themselves and their abilities instead of desperately trying to make them feel like they're a cunt for being proud of themselves?

Christ almighty.

I think "imposter syndrome" has become the new buzzword. I see some people who now use it to mean being generally anxious or nervous or grateful of the opportunity they have.

If someone says and believes they're at the top of their game, they really don't have imposter syndrome unless they're saying it to over-compensate for not actually thinking it.

Imposter: a person who deceives others by pretending to be someone else.

Imposter syndrome: suffer from chronic self-doubt and a sense of intellectual fraudulence that override any feelings of success or external proof of their competence.

In other words, you don't really believe you should be where you are and often can't imagine why some people see you as someone who deserves where you are/job title, etc.

"I'm at the top of my game" is the opposite of that and can be called an arrogant statement too, even much more than knowing you don't have IS. Why should every woman feel the same thing?

Everyone around me seems highly competent and more in favour with the boss.

Remember that a part of their mind is making them think that when they look at you.

My first introduction to impostor syndrome was at a work 'stress management' event. I poured my heart out to one of the facilitators in the bar in the first evening about it. He said, yeah, we all have that, siht isn't it and carried on.

Anyone I have got to know really well has at least a touch of it, men, women the lot.

In my experience, the more confidence people appear to have, the more likely they are to have some doubts which they keep well hidden. No one seeing the me I present to the world me would ever guess

You can relax about it, honestly and find what helps you ignore it and annoy your success. I need feedback from my role so I have some evidence that I am well thought of. I need people who understand the role who can help lift me up when I feel particularly useless and for whom in turn I can do the same.

The most helpful thing for me was to get to know a colleague in a similar role who I know well enough that I can see when something knocks her and she starts sliding into that pit of despair. We have now seen each other do it often enough that just know the other understands can be enough to recover. Being able to say honest when ... I found myself ... is also a great relief

I hope you find what works for you. It really is fixable and I would say that you owe it to yourself to work out what support you need. Not easy but v v simple.

@NurseButtercup has it absolutely.

Great post and advice @FinallyHere

I don’t have imposter syndrome. I work in a very competitive industry in one of the leading organisations in the world.

I guess I’ve always had confidence in my own abilities - academically smart, did well at school without much effort and grew up in a family where praise was normal and common. At my work, I know I’m not the smartest person there (there are a lot of very intelligent people) but I know my stuff and am not afraid to ask questions when I don’t know. I am also quick, hardworking and full of ideas and enthusiasm for what we do. My work needs people like me.

I have a friend at work who is good at her job but always second guessing herself while at the same time criticising other colleagues. I think she compares herself too much too others and it isn’t helpful.

Ironically, the women who don't have imposter syndrome are usually the ones who genuinely are incompetent or out of their depth, but are just too arrogant to realise it. Mostly they are in fields where arrogance is necessary for success, like politics, entertainment or sport. Nicola Sturgeon, Jess Phillips, Kim Kardashian, Megan Rapinoe to name but a few.

Wow that's rude
A lot of women on this thread have said they don't have it. I don't think we are all incompetent wankers.

I think it would be weird, illogical and fly in the face of facts if I did have it. It is just factually correct that I am an intelligent person and excel at what I do. Years of exams, qualifications, competitive interviews, appraisals, feedback all provide evidence to me that I am good at my job. It's not arrogant it's just the truth. If I was a man neither I nor anyone else would question it.

I worry much more if I am good at being a mother. I think I probably am not. I don't claim to be beautiful or attractive or good at sport or music or art or fixing cars or any of a million other things that I am not good at. There is loads of stuff I am crap at and loads of stuff I am about average at but my job I am very good at. That is a realistic appraisal and not bragging.

Nicola Sturgeon very obviously is not bad at her job. You can like or dislike her and various aspects of her policy but she is not incompetent. She is certainly no worse than Boris Johnson who I doubt loses a moment's sleep worrying if he is competent. He was born to this and sees it as his due.

Surely a woman is allowed to be good at her job and comfortable with that fact without being accused of arrogance? If I said I was good at everything in the world that would be arrogant but everyone is very good at something and if you find that thing and you can make a living out of it you are lucky.

The title of this thread and that last post are the kind of patriarchal bullshit that keeps women down. I really thought we had moved past the idea that women are inherently less capable of work than men.

I know nothing about Megan Rapinoe but a quick look at Wikipedia suggests she really is not incompetent at her job of playing football

Again you may disagree with her politics but her sporting record appears to speak for itself. If she believed she was crap at playing football and her whole career was a lie that would be a delusional belief.

Seems like there are a couple of jealous women on here trying to put down others who feel competent and confident by claiming they must be unconsciously incompetent! I'm sure that is the case for some, but those who have posted here about not having imposter syndrome have all mentioned objective evidence of competence.

but if you’re good at your job and delivering you know it

I knew l was good at mine. My results were amazing. But the anxiety from imposter syndrome has forced me to try for ill health retirement.

So what you are saying is twaddle.

I don't have imposter syndrome. I work in a male dominated environment (my department is approx 85% men) and I know I'm good at my job based on feedback from managers etc.

I do have good self esteem generally, not just job related, so I would say that is the place to start.

I don't have imposter syndrome but I don't work in a professional job.

I don't lack confidence generally.

I think my imposter syndrome is down to the organisation I work for rather than my own self-esteem issues. It's also the worst paid, least "professional" and most insecure job I've ever done. Weird.

"Ironically, the women who don't have imposter syndrome are usually the ones who genuinely are incompetent or out of their depth, but are just too arrogant to realise it."

This is bullshit. Really, complete nonsense. Women can be proud of their achievements and abilities. It doesn't make them arrogant or in denial of their incompetence.