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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think there are no women without imposter syndrome?

106 replies

TwinkleToesForever · 24/04/2021 21:04

I suffer terribly with imposter syndrome. I am an experienced professional and work in a high performing environment. I am in a constant state of anxiety, feel like a fraud and am very hard on myself for the smallest error. I always reflect on what I’ve said in meetings and feel like a complete fool. Everyone around me seems highly competent and more in favour with the boss. I am exhausted with it all and think daily about resigning because I’m just not good enough and can’t take the pressure anymore. On the other hand I earn well and I feel fortunate to have the position I have . I’ve read that this is very common in women - Anyone out there not feel like they are failing every day? That they are good at their job? How do you do it? I’d love to learn some coping mechanisms and generally how to give myself a break!!! I am also thinking daily that because this job makes me miserable ( very alpha and competitive culture) I should just give up and leave, but then I’d probably beat myself up for that too! Any advice welcome!!

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BillyIsMyBunny · 24/04/2021 22:14

From talking to friends I think imposter syndrome is common but of course it’s not all women. I’m a woman and don’t think I have imposter syndrome. I’m an SEN teacher and most of the time I feel like I am good at my job. Sometimes I doubt myself and there are aspects of the job I don’t think I do well (largely paperwork) and sometimes work can be stressful but for the most part work is the one part of my life I feel confident. I have depression and anxiety but they effect me far more in the rest of my life than at work.

TwinkleToesForever · 24/04/2021 22:19

@BTV2000 great advice. I have wondered if I need to take time out to reevaluate.

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amarya · 24/04/2021 22:20

Focus on noticing when those around you praise your work, or agree with you. This is evidence that you are not an imposter and are worthy of your role.

wingsnthat · 24/04/2021 22:21

Errr, of course there are confident women with decent self esteem out there

Lifeaintalwaysempty · 24/04/2021 22:23

Me too and it’s gotten worse with age I’m sad to say. I used to have the confidence and bluster of youth, as I’ve gotten older the doubt has crept in, the rumination over mistakes, and the lack of confidence, even though I’m very senior, very experienced, and I know I’m good. It’s become like a self fulfilling prophecy because it has ended up holding me back, making it more difficult to thrive at work.

TwinkleToesForever · 24/04/2021 22:27

@CaveMum - this video resonates because I am on a Leadership team of 10 with only 1 other woman. The maleness of my environment compounds my feelings of being an imposter because how men communicate is celebrated and acknowledged . I have had to stand up for myself in meetings as I’m constantly interrupted and undermined ( as is my colleague)

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doadeer · 24/04/2021 22:28

I'm very confident in my abilities and I wouldn't say I have ever felt like I shouldn't be there.

I'm from a working class area and I have a regional accent and I live in London, in many environments I'd have plenty reason to feel like an imposter but I don't ever. I am very determined to make a success of things and I always try my best. I'm constantly thinking of ideas and ways to optimise. I own my own company (a consultancy) and am the director of another company in a different sector.

I do get scared sometimes but I manage to shake it off and I always take risks.

TwinkleToesForever · 24/04/2021 22:28

@lulugee buying the confidence code now!

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DartmoorChef · 24/04/2021 22:29

I had to change career so that I could move home due to a parent being seriously ill. I ended up in a fantastic role in computer software installations and client training but I never felt confident and always felt like I was winging it.

Was able to get back in a kitchen at the ripe old age of 40 and although I am quite sad that I was unable to get as far as I could with my younger dreams and ambition I'm now confident that what I do is good and I have a good reputation.

lulugee · 24/04/2021 22:31

@TwinkleToesForever I hope you enjoy it as much as I did and it helps you!

Merryoldgoat · 24/04/2021 22:32

I’m reasonably senior - report directly into COO type role.

I have never felt like an imposter. I know my strengths, my weaknesses and am happy to ask for help when I need it.

TwinkleToesForever · 24/04/2021 22:35

So many inspirational posts and great advice here. Thank you everyone

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Teensandfuture · 24/04/2021 22:36

I've been known jumping jobs and when I start a new job, I always feel imposter. It takes about 6 months for me to feel I know what I'm doing, for me personally.
It's not helping when people waiting for my decisions,my explanations, my recommendations etc, sometimes in bloody meetings of 7 or 8 where I'm only female and nearly everyone is more senior and older, exhausting.

When I speak in meetings I more often than not feel I say stupid mundane things but apparently I get good feedback ie I make a lot of sense.

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 24/04/2021 22:37

No I don't have it
I saw they had a talk on it at work and I honestly thought it was going to be a modern name for Capgras syndrome.
(I'd have been more interested in a talk on that)

I know I am good at my job. I am better than all the men I work with.
Most of them would even (grudgingly) admit it.

Merryoldgoat · 24/04/2021 22:43

@CovoidOfAllHumanity

I’m about to read up on that - sounds fascinating!

Teensandfuture · 24/04/2021 22:43

[quote TwinkleToesForever]@CaveMum - this video resonates because I am on a Leadership team of 10 with only 1 other woman. The maleness of my environment compounds my feelings of being an imposter because how men communicate is celebrated and acknowledged . I have had to stand up for myself in meetings as I’m constantly interrupted and undermined ( as is my colleague)[/quote]
That's not good and most likely it isn't you.

I work in a male dominated environment, I'm the only woman in meetings and I don't get interrupted and I don't feel undermined.

ToryStelling · 24/04/2021 23:46

I suffer with imposter syndrome.

Recently read ‘The Imposter Cure’ and the exercises in it have really helped to change my perspective. It’ll be a long process, but I already feel a bit more confident.

moanyhole · 25/04/2021 05:35

My DH has it. It is exhausting for him and frankly for me as we work in the same industry so I find I am constantly having to reassure him. He genuinely doesn't feel good enough. Every little thing he does he is constantly overanalysing. He objectively is extremely good at his job. His boss tell him this often and I can tell he is good, but with IS even if the evidence is there that you are good you just can't see it yourself.
Selfishly I'd love an evening or 2 where he isn't a ball of nerves coming home from work. How does one flip their thinking to a more positive slant? Life is too short.

NurseButtercup · 25/04/2021 06:05

Imposter syndrome melts away when:

-you stop caring about what other people think.
-stop trying to be perfect, you will never know everything.
-accept, acknowledge and own your mistakes and gaps in your knowledge.

  • making mistakes is part of learning & growth.
-recognise and accept that your peers, colleagues and senior management are basic humans like yourself and most days feel the same as you.
littlepeas · 25/04/2021 06:15

I think this is far more to do with personality than with sex. Some people are naturally confident and assertive and will always feel that they deserve to be where they are, never second guess their decisions, don't worry about what others think of them. Others are far more likely to have the opposite view of themselves and are therefore more likely to worry about how they are performing at work, whether they deserve to me there, etc, but are also more likely to strive for constant improvement. It's a spectrum of course, with extremes at both ends and people who sit around the middle.

We were literally discussing this at a work related training day I was at yesterday! It was linked with the Myers Briggs test, which I know not everyone agrees with, but this particular aspect of it was uncanny. Free test that will tell you where you sit on the spectrum (alongside Myers Briggs type) here:

www.16personalities.com

whenthebellsring · 25/04/2021 06:19

@BadEyeBri

Why are women not allowed to be confident and assured without being accused of over confidence?

I am a self aware person. I know what I can do but equally I know my limits. I am bloody good at what I do. I've worked incredibly hard to get where I am. I refuse to apologise for this or to pretend "humbleness".

Indeed!

To think there are no women without imposter syndrome?
Ridiculous post title. How can you think/make such blanket statements and think you're not BU?

I’ve read that this is very common in women - Anyone out there not feel like they are failing every day?
Well there you go - written much better, although I have no personal experience of it or know anyone who does. Sorry you feel this way though.

As far as I'm aware, 'imposter syndrome' has never been a "female issue" but a self-esteem one and I hope it doesn't become the new "virtue" and identity we're all scrambling to claim or 'have to' claim as women.

Iceniii · 25/04/2021 08:26

I've done Myers Briggs and also that one and am the Advocate INFJ.

TwinkleToesForever · 25/04/2021 08:31

@NurseButtercup that is v helpful thank you.

@littlepeas - I’ve just taken the MB test - thanks interesting to see my personality type ‘Defender’ - sometimes I wonder if I’m just in the wrong job!

I am confident in other areas of my life, with friendships, in my relationship, as a parent

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lightlypoached · 25/04/2021 08:31

Hello @Twinkle. I can relate. I'm relatively senior and work in a male dominated industry, with imposter syndrome a recurring theme in my working life. On a few occasions I've been bullied and had to fight back, and this helped/forced me to develop some ways of objectively looking at my performance.

Try pulling together some hard facts about your work performance. For example, Sales made, no of client calls done, people managed, complex problems solved, gather positive quotes and feedback (however small), gather KPis (key performance indicators) for your role and measure how you are doing against them. These are only examples, find the ones relevant to your role.

Once you have these nailed, pick one or 2 per year, per quarter (or whatever cycle feels a good fit for your organisation) and create a personal mantra/ brand. Use this mantra 'casually' in conversation with your peers,and mangers regularly. For example someone asks how your team is getting on in covid , you reply 'well yes it's been tough but despite that we're doing well, for,example I achieved x (and roll out your mantra). Keep it consistent, use it often but subtly. Soon you'll hear people saying it back to you. And if they believe it, you'll start to, maybe a little anyway. Grin

The key is to start to use positive adjectives all the time 'I achieved' 'i delivered' , 'I devised' , 'I led' , 'i facilitated' etc etc. Women tend to use the 'we' word far too much and I think although good sometimes, can erode our own personal contribution. Over time that feeds the imposter. So start feeding the imposter with the good stuff you have achieved.

I hope this helps.

FindingMeno · 25/04/2021 08:34

I'm great at my job and more than qualified to do it. They are lucky to have me tbh. I know that sounds big headed, but it's how I feel.
However, I set my sights low and its far from high powered.