To think there are no women without imposter syndrome?

[TwinkleToesForever]

I suffer terribly with imposter syndrome. I am an experienced professional and work in a high performing environment. I am in a constant state of anxiety, feel like a fraud and am very hard on myself for the smallest error. I always reflect on what I’ve said in meetings and feel like a complete fool. Everyone around me seems highly competent and more in favour with the boss. I am exhausted with it all and think daily about resigning because I’m just not good enough and can’t take the pressure anymore. On the other hand I earn well and I feel fortunate to have the position I have . I’ve read that this is very common in women - Anyone out there not feel like they are failing every day? That they are good at their job? How do you do it? I’d love to learn some coping mechanisms and generally how to give myself a break!!! I am also thinking daily that because this job makes me miserable ( very alpha and competitive culture) I should just give up and leave, but then I’d probably beat myself up for that too! Any advice welcome!!

I felt like a horrific imposter between 2014-2019 when I qualified as an NMC professional. I was terrified constantly and no matter how much amazing feedback I had from my patients, peers and managers I couldn't shake the feeling that I wasn't good enough. So I quit, I left, took myself off the register for 18 months and did something completely different.

During those 18 months I realised that I'm damn good at what I do and I deserved to be in that profession. My old organisation welcomed me back with open arms and I've realised that no one is going to make me feel small or shit or like I don't belong anymore. I had no extra 'therapy' or life coaching, though I did have some help grieving my career in the short term.

If you can afford to, a career break or sabbatical may be a good idea, along with maybe some assistance to get to the bottom of your reasons for feeling the way you do.

Since I've been back as a registrant my colleagues have definitely noticed a difference, it may be worth a shot as long as you frame it as self development and not running away.

Michelle Obama speaks wisely on this topic:

Why are women not allowed to be confident and assured without being accused of over confidence?

I am a self aware person. I know what I can do but equally I know my limits. I am bloody good at what I do. I've worked incredibly hard to get where I am. I refuse to apologise for this or to pretend "humbleness".

I don't have imposter syndrome because I'm good at my job and have the evidence and feedback to prove it. However....I also know my limitations and don't automatically push for the next level just so that I can be promoted (to a place where I would feel like an imposter).

Yes, yes and yes! I run a company 60 employees and constantly USED to feel like a fraud until I actively tried to fix the problem.

I had therapy for it and it worked - I would highly recommend. I started to understand that most people feel the same as you but put on a pretence and you are good enough to be there - it's all in the kind most likely.

I would highly recommend therapy for you - and books, have you tried books on the topic?

The confidence code is an amazing book and a great place to start

The book is literally life changing for females with imposter syndrome - please read as a start

I don't think it's possible to point to coping mechanisms that easily - for those who don't experience what you are describing, then we don't need coping mechanisms or tricks. But I am also not sure that what you are describing is more prevalent amongst women - in fact I would suggest that it is a large part of what drives the "alpha" syndrome in so many workplaces. The drive to be the best because somehow people don't think they are the best, or as good as others.

Being confident in who and what you are is not the same thing as arrogance. I know for a fact that I am very good at what I do. There is objective evidence to prove that. I know that I have done well in the past - there is objective evidence to prove that. I do not need reassurance from others to tell me what is obvious. And I think that other people who are total strangers and know nothing about me (or anyone else) claiming that anyone not having IS is arrogant are fools. Just because you have a problem doesn't mean you get to tell others that they are arrogant and proves nothing other than your own arrogance and stupidity. Don't project your feelings onto others.

I don’t and I’m not minimising it for those people who feel this way, but I hate the fact that imposter syndrome is depicted solely as a female issue, I’m sure some men must feel like it too but nobody tells them all the time they must have it.

I don't feel like an imposter, and I'm very senior and still rising. I feel very confident in my abilities, and that it is right that I have this much power and respect.

A short course of CBT can help. You can change your perception of yourself simply by understanding the way you think, feel and behave and then altering those thoughts, feelings and behaviours.

I have occasional wobbles, mainly when I don't feel adequately prepared for something that I know I should be. But am mostly OK.

And to echo pp, i know a few men who suffer from it, it isn't a gendered trait

OP, if you want a way to know you're good enough, look around at your colleagues and those more senior than you - you'll be better than half of them!

No advice but I could have written your post. It's gotten worse for me with age. I'm mid-thirties now and working in a male dominated environment, really want to leave but can't find anything right/don't want to leave and regret it.

I suffer from imposter syndrome whenever I start a new project at work. I can't stop thinking about work and find I have a low level anxiety all the time.

However once I've been doing the project for a while I find I relax in to it much more. Familiarity and experience breeds confidence.

But the beginning bit is awful and I find myself feeling envious of people who have simple and straightforward jobs like gardeners or postmen!

I don’t feel this. I do feel insecure at times if I make a mistake, but I feel I know my strengths and weaknesses quite well, and I am happy to admit them. I also would say I have various insecurities in other aspects of life - I probably feel like more of an imposter as a parent! Ie people who know me all would say I’m a good parent but I feel they just don’t realise how difficult I find it and how much I struggle. Whereas work - job with a fair bit of responsibility- I feel quite competent at and more objectively skilled. Parenting I feel I should be better at than I am. When this self critic is talking, life is hard. So maybe it’s something about perceptions and trying to speak more compassionately to yourself. I’m not sure if that helps at all!

I've only had this since retraining as a teacher - it's a highly critical and reflective profession. I open emails expecting something from SLT (I haven't yet in 7 years!) or a 'complaint' from a parent (also never!). But the constant learning walks and book scrutinies have had the effect of damaging my confidence despite good feedback. It's so difficult to the private sector where I was treated as a professional. I've gone from being a very confident person to constantly feeling like I'm not good enough. As an NQT you're told by fellow teachers to fake it til you make it - but after 7 years I still feel like I'm faking confidence. I'm trying to leave teaching and can't wait to get back into a boring office where I can just get on with my job

I qualified specialising in a totally different key stage to the one I teach. I don’t feel I have imposter syndrome. I am good at my job and have plenty to learn. If I was shit I would absolutely know about it by now.

*different not difficult although it is more difficult

Oh God this is me. I work in a nursery, which was a job I kind of fell into rather than chose and it fits in with school hours but after several years there I still don’t feel like I deserve to be there. The other ladies are brilliant and so capable - they always seem to know the right way to respond in any situation and they can do so many things - make cakes, build things out of recycled materials, come up with exciting ideas and they’re all socially confident too whereas I’m shy and not very practical. I feel like I’m slow to understand things, I second guess myself at every moment- am I doing enough work, am I being “fun” enough, would they even notice if I wasn’t there? It doesn’t help that I have a colleague who keeps correcting me and my manager never does appraisals. I’ve had a couple of telling offs by her (both misunderstanding that I hopefully resolved) but no real positive feedback. I’m convinced she only has me there because she can’t get rid of me, she never chats to me like she does the others. I feel real anxiety on work days because I feel I’m so rubbish. The kids always seem pleased to see me but other than that there’s no real way of measuring whether I’m good or crap. So no advice, but a lot of understanding x

I'm in a new sector, civil service. Moved from private sector about 10 months ago. I really think the bully boy culture of where I came from has shattered my confidence.

I'm also very small and introverted and really feel it impacts on my perception of myself because it doesn't match those I work with who happen to be confident, extroverted males. I do wonder whether other smaller women feel the same or whether they are confident.

My new boss said to me recently at my 6 month review that I had excelled across the board. I know I did very well and they were pleased but I find the work easy and I told him that the job, support and atmosphere made it easy to deliver. And he said no, your role was known to be the toughest nut to crack and most people couldn't have done it and I just thought yeah, I'm good and I'm confident that I can do my job well but it was an easy job.

But it made me think. Actually if I try to imagine some of the other people that I feel are perfectly competent and good doing my job I know they wouldn't do the people side of it to the level I can. There are parts they'd inevitably do better than me but it's what I did, in my way, that they wanted.

OP there's many ways to do a job well but the most important thing is to do it your way, not by trying to second guess what is wanted and expected by others all the time. Or by copying what you think a 'your role' should look like. Doing that would only lead to you feeling like an impostor.

Hope that makes sense. I think that people who feel like impostors are the ones who are trying to present themselves how they think the role is expected to look and be. Forget that shit and just be yourself doing your job. Not 'a senior manager' or whatever doing it.

As a pp mentioned, I have spoken to several men in senior roles, who have also admitted to imposter syndrome, and/ or that they're 'winging it' all the time, but without the narcissistic confidence that 'it'll all work out fine'
I'm lucky to be in a very supportive company, and recently moved to a new role, where my (younger than me, female) boss is very open that we're largely making it up as we go along (nature of our job, no-one's done it before). She's also very honest about how she's finding it, and shares feedback from her boss (C-suite), which gives me confidence that I'm doing alright! This is the not the first role I've had with a supportive, open boss, and it makes such a difference to my confidence (and understanding of the context of business decisions, so I can understand what effects my work has, and where it doesn't!).

OP you sound as if you have some real anxiety as well as IS, have you thought of trying counselling, to improve your feelings of self-worth, or understand where your low opinion comes from?

I never suffered from imposter system. If anything I have the attitude that I have more qualifications and work better than lots of people. When I was younger I was surprised that other peers from college were getting good jobs and I was not getting chosen for these jobs. If anything, I have a superiority complex. Outside of work, I am quiet, don't make friends easily and am embarrassed to be the centre of attention. If I am explaining a work issue, I just want to get it sorted and don't care about being the centre of attention.

I am from a working class background, really struggled to get my first job after college even though my grades were near top while peers had contacts, parents owned companies etc.

I rose up very slowly, so I was more than ready for the next stage of work by the time I got it. Also it involved a lot of using initiative, not being afraid of complicated tasks, in general developing skills which are scarce in my industry. I did not have contacts/nepotism to get me a job.

Don't be afraid of not knowing things. I don't know a lot of the queries but I ask people, read up on information, and make my decision. Things are changing so fast you won't ever know all about a job. However you should be confident of sourcing information and applying it. If you don't know after doing the research that is fine too. Take regular hols from work, even if you are not going away. I take a week every 10 or 11 weeks. It keeps the brain fresh. Relax, regular exercise etc, do not work long hours. Try to unwind when not at work. Your ability to think and analyse are impaired by overwork. Act confident, walk tall. Watch what other people are wearing and try to wear similar. It will give confidence if you fit in with clothes.

I definitely used to have imposter syndrome, but I don't anymore. I know I'm good at what I do. It's a good place mentally to be.