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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is extremely odd?

91 replies

Lollipoplife · 23/04/2021 18:57

My SO has a couple of work colleagues who are late 50s/early 60s. He’s early 40s but he enjoys the company of older people.
Anyway, these two men have never had a relationship or sexual encounter with anybody, in all those years.
I find this extraordinary and completely bizarre. Am I being unreasonable to think this way?!

OP posts:
ItsNotLoveActually · 24/04/2021 01:11

I'd think it a bit odd if my OH had more than 1 friend like that to be honest. I'd question it. 🤔

Exhausted4ever · 24/04/2021 03:31

It's probably uncommon but not odd or wrong, and saying it is is hugely unfair. Different strokes for different folks. As others have said there may be a multitude of reasons for this, including suffering abuse previously. Imagine if that was the case and you're judging them as odd because they haven't chosen to be sexual active as a result, lovely

MeanderingGently · 24/04/2021 03:46

Nothing odd or bizarre about it, there are plenty of older people who have had relationships in the past but not for many years, and who are not bothered by it. Myself included.
In the past, relationships and sex were much more important, but now sex isn't really important to me at all. I feel I have wider interests these days; happy to be genuine friends with others but not sexual relationships, probably due to changing hormones but I'm just not interested. I feel freed of the angst of youth!

cupoftea2021 · 24/04/2021 04:04

Is the mind your own business a English thing when you ask a straight forward question😂
Some of us spend a lot of time and share all sorts with our co workers, professional or not.
It could be about sexual preference or abused Or asexual.
It is good to ask and discuss now it is 2021 not 1951

londonscalling · 24/04/2021 04:05

And? ....

Laserbird16 · 24/04/2021 04:54

Maybe you should question why it is so important to you what other people are doing or not doing in the bedroom.

listershologram · 24/04/2021 05:04

@Lollipoplife

My SO has a couple of work colleagues who are late 50s/early 60s. He’s early 40s but he enjoys the company of older people. Anyway, these two men have never had a relationship or sexual encounter with anybody, in all those years. I find this extraordinary and completely bizarre. Am I being unreasonable to think this way?!
That's a very odd discussion for a work place. Does your SO work in a publishing house perhaps ?
morbidcuriosity · 24/04/2021 05:35

All these people saying "how on earth do you know this" etc.. have you never made friends at work? you spend loads of time in your work place, this is how people make friends.. and friends tell each other things..

Mrbob · 24/04/2021 06:01

@morbidcuriosity

All these people saying "how on earth do you know this" etc.. have you never made friends at work? you spend loads of time in your work place, this is how people make friends.. and friends tell each other things..
It’s very strange. I actually TALK to my colleagues. I know a fair amount about some of their lives even the ones who aren’t out of work friends
PhilCornwall1 · 24/04/2021 06:11

How did this come up at work? Was it in the AOB section of their team meeting?

"So any other business?"

"Yes, did you know I've never had a shag and I'm 57?"

"Oh you too? I'm the same, not even as much as a wank."

"Thank you gentlemen, that concludes this weeks team meeting"

overnightangel · 24/04/2021 06:13

They may very well find you odd for being so nosey and judgey OP

Rowofducks · 24/04/2021 06:29

I find it odd you care so much.

I don’t think it’s odd at all. I’m not quite the same because I’ve had children but I have no intention of having sex ever again. I’ve been single for years now and long may it stay that way. People at work know nothing about my sex life but I have a few who seem very disturbed by the fact that I’m single and don’t want to meet anyone. I find them very odd to care so much about someone else’s relationship status.

Fieldoftheclothofgold · 24/04/2021 06:34

It’s extremely odd that you would care.

Briarshollow · 24/04/2021 06:46

Oh come on, all the sanctimonious ‘why do you even care / how do you even know / why are you bothering to tell us...’ comments...

This is a conversational forum and yes, I think that is strange, OP! We’re not judging them for it, not saying they’re creepy or odd or frightening, just that it’s probably not very common.

And it could easily have come up in work among three blokes who’ve made friends, especially in the pub on a Friday night.

Womencanlift · 24/04/2021 06:56

Yes YABU to think it is odd. Their life and what has happened in it (either through choice or circumstance) is their business

I don’t think it’s odd that this was discussed with your SO. They are obviously friends and these types of conversations come up between friends - regardless of where these friendships are formed. Because despite what a lot of MNers think it is perfectly normal to become close friends with the people you work with

Your SO is,however, unreasonable to be gossiping about it with you. It is quite a personal admission that the friend/colleague confided to your partner. We don’t know the background to this conversation but if I admitted something so personal to a friend I wouldn’t be happy that they then ran off and talked to their partner about it (see the comments on another thread about sharing friends news with your partners)

MumofPsuedoAdult · 24/04/2021 06:58

I think it's more odd that you're making this a point of public discussion. People's lives are complex. There could be a multitude of reasons for this. Live and let live.

JosephineDeBeauharnais · 24/04/2021 07:06

Perhaps they’re taking the piss a bit OP? They don’t want to talk about their sex lives so they’re denying they have them in order to shut down a conversation they think is inappropriate? Hmm. I would definitely do that, especially with a work colleague.

Confusedandshaken · 24/04/2021 07:08

I'm 59 and I don't think it's that unusual. I see similar with people I know personally and professionally (I'm a psychotherapist) and it's not just confined to the middle aged and elderly, it crosses all age groups. My mum was widowed in her 40s, over 30 years ago and hasn't even been on a date since then. She would see it as a betrayal of her husband. Lots of people feel like that. On my DH's side there are several elderly bachelor/spinster relations who I doubt very much have ever had any sort of sexual encounter since they last groped a girl at a local dancehall in the 1970s.

It's got a lot to do with cultural/religious expectations but I think it's also that some people, even much younger people don't want casual sex. They want sex in a meaningful relationship with someone they love and respect. If that's not an option for whatever reason (shy, awkward, too tight to go out and meet people, too set in their ways to allow a partner into their lives) they can relieve their own sexual tension.

For some people regular sex with another person is a vital part of life. For others not so much. Both are perfectly normal, acceptable lifestyles.

trappedsincesundaymorn · 24/04/2021 07:17

So what? What business is it of yours whether somebody else has ever had a relationship or shag in their lives? What is more odd is why you and your SO think it's ok to discuss their business and judge them on what they do, or in this case, don't do. Have you always been a gossip?

NoProblem123 · 24/04/2021 07:21

You’re SO shouldn’t have told you. That’s the odd bit.

Sandgrown1970 · 24/04/2021 07:22

This is a conversational forum and yes, I think that is strange, OP! We’re not judging them for it, not saying they’re creepy or odd or frightening, just that it’s probably not very common.

Not saying they are odd or judging them?

Look at the title. “Extremely odd”. Op calls them bizarre in her posts. You might not be judging them or insinuating something unpleasant, but OP certainly is.

KatherineJaneway · 24/04/2021 07:25

@unvillage

Asexuality is not as uncommon as you think!
This
Fainasnowchild · 24/04/2021 07:28

One of my kids is a young adult and I would be very surprised if they will ever have a relationship. They are autistic and find touch very difficult and highly prudish about bodies, plus find people immensely difficult. At the moment they derive some pleasure from an online friendship with an opposite sex person from a different country, and I suspect that may be a safe outlet for distanced intimacy for them.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 24/04/2021 07:29

i don't think it's unusual at all, I'm 59 and when I was dating I'd often take the initiative and ask guys this age out. More often than not they would flee like Satan was on their backs.
They are all still waiting for that 20 year old super model/porn star/millionaire to come along and marry them. Living in fantasy world.
All of the younger men I asked out were up for it and I ended up being married to a younger man for 20 years.

AnotherCupOfTeaVicar · 24/04/2021 07:33

@PhilCornwall1

How did this come up at work? Was it in the AOB section of their team meeting?

"So any other business?"

"Yes, did you know I've never had a shag and I'm 57?"

"Oh you too? I'm the same, not even as much as a wank."

"Thank you gentlemen, that concludes this weeks team meeting"

You have won the prize for the best answer 🤣😂😂😂🤣🤣😂🤣