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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want my DH to stay in his home office?

95 replies

KO2018 · 23/04/2021 11:40

Currently at loggerheads with husband. He is working from home and I am on mat leave with our 4 week old baby.

He’s got a lovely home office set up upstairs with plenty of sunshine - I never go in there and it’s a good quiet place for calls where he won’t be disturbed.

However now it’s nice and sunny, he keeps coming downstairs to the patio to work which I find weirdly annoying. Yesterday I was trying to have a nap on the sofa and his loud boomy voice kept coming through the window and waking us up. Sure I could go upstairs but I don’t want to be stuck upstairs all day either!

He says I can be out on the patio too but he likes work in total undisturbed silence and gets all crabby if I start talking to him. I can’t relax feeling like I’m in his workspace...

AIBU to want the whole rest of the house to myself???

OP posts:
MyDcAreMarvel · 23/04/2021 11:42

Sure I could go upstairs but I don’t want to be stuck upstairs all day if it’s good enough for the goose!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 23/04/2021 11:44

His office is his working space. The house is living space. He can't take the bits he wants as and when.

I say this sat in the dimmest, coldest room in the house, knowing that I could grab my laptop and work in the garden - but that would be inconvenient for everyone else. So I'll go sit out there once I have finished work!

OrangeRug · 23/04/2021 11:45

I don't think you are being unreasonable. His home office is there for the purpose of work so he should use it, particularly if he needs silence in order to work. I mean if he was office based I doubt he'd be allowed to go and sit outside to work.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 23/04/2021 11:46

That's the problem with working from home with others in the house. They don't want to be disturbed. The non workers want to do normal things.

Does he expect you to keep the baby quiet too? In a few months the baby will be crawling and playing...

Original poster
KO2018 · 23/04/2021 11:47

@MyDcAreMarvel Lol I meant upstairs as in the bedroom, but perhaps I should go into his home office when he’s down here !!!? Bet he won’t like that....!

OP posts:
UserTwice · 23/04/2021 11:48

If he were office based he wouldn't be constrained to sit in one small space all day though. He would go to meetings, go round to colleagues' desk, possibly sit and take phone calls outside, possible go for walks with colleagues to have work discussions ...

I think you're unreasonable asking him to sit in his office all day. It sounds like there is a compromise to be reached that (e.g.) he only does it in the mornings or 2 days a week or that he can work outside quietly but he makes phone calls upstairs?

LakeShoreD · 23/04/2021 11:48

We had the same dilemma in our house. We’ve agreed that if DH wants to work in silence and not to be disturbed then he stays in the office with the door closed. The same applies if I want a nap with baby- I go to the bedroom and close the door. If you’re in the common areas of the house e.g. living room, garden then that means you’re ok with background noise, having a general chat etc. IMO it’s not fair to silence someone in their own home and we’ve found our rhythm a lot better since we started sticking to this.

VegCheeseandCrackers · 23/04/2021 11:49

Working from home means silence isn't an option. I work from home and my two nephews stay with us on their days with their dad (BiL). I'm in a multi generation household atm living with PILs. We also have dogs. Noise happens.
I'm in the room at the front of our house where it is most quiet. I accept it is most quiet but I do not get to tell everyone else to be silent. It's not fair for me to tell the other I live with to sit like mice while I work. They are all respectful and won't blare music, movies or the hoover near where I'm working if they're off. It's a compromise.
I think he's being unreasonable.

BruceAndNosh · 23/04/2021 11:50

I bet the neighbours are keen on Zoom calls next door!
What is his job? Is there a confidentiality issue with making "public" phone calls?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 23/04/2021 11:50

@UserTwice

If he were office based he wouldn't be constrained to sit in one small space all day though. He would go to meetings, go round to colleagues' desk, possibly sit and take phone calls outside, possible go for walks with colleagues to have work discussions ...

I think you're unreasonable asking him to sit in his office all day. It sounds like there is a compromise to be reached that (e.g.) he only does it in the mornings or 2 days a week or that he can work outside quietly but he makes phone calls upstairs?

Yes, I go for a walk outside the house, take the dog with me.

I don't insist DH moves, changes what he is doing, or interrupt anything already underway elsewhere.

I also feel free to use the loo and the kitchen. Just not living spaces for working!

BettysCardigan · 23/04/2021 11:52

@CuriousaboutSamphire

His office is his working space. The house is living space. He can't take the bits he wants as and when.

I say this sat in the dimmest, coldest room in the house, knowing that I could grab my laptop and work in the garden - but that would be inconvenient for everyone else. So I'll go sit out there once I have finished work!

Whaaaat? Of course he 'can' if he wants!
Brefugee · 23/04/2021 11:53

Our rule is that you can work where you like but you can't complain about noise if you're not in your office. Works fine

Justanticipating · 23/04/2021 11:54

I understand this completely. I had my dp working from the kitchen during my maternity until we got the office ready and I felt like he'd ruined it. He's got an office so should be up there.
I would (and I did at a point when I wanted the office sorting sooner ) blast baby sensory music and tell him you won't be sat in quiet.
As for working on the patio and being loud, just stick up for yourself and tell him he needs to stop.

ZaraW · 23/04/2021 11:54

YABVU you sound very territorial. Come to some agreement with him when he can work out there.

FizzyApricot · 23/04/2021 11:54

If he can't work from home when you are there he should go into the office.

UCOinanOCG · 23/04/2021 11:55

I don't have any children at home now so perhaps it is not comparable but my DH often takes work calls outside of it is nice. As lovely as his home office is it drives him mad at times to be stuck in one room all day staring at a screen. It's good for his physical and mental well being to be able to sit outside in the fresh air for a while. In his normal work life he would have been travelling between offices for meetings or even travelling to different cities. A year of constraints on this is taking its toll and any little things he can do to make his work life more bearable is fine by me.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 23/04/2021 11:57

Whaaaat? Of course he 'can' if he wants! Well of course he can - but nobody WFH needs to be that selfish!

Snog · 23/04/2021 11:58

It's hard to relax in your home when someone is on a noisy work call. If we move again we will definitely get a home office where noise doesn't travel to the rest of the house.

I think the suggestion that DH doesn't expect quiet in the living areas of the house seems reasonable. My DH is now thankfully mainly back in his office and the house is so much quieter and more relaxing now.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 23/04/2021 12:00

But thinking about it, I have WFH for years. Maybe I was that selfish initially! Nope! I have always worked here, in this room!

Even when teaching and spending evenings and weekends on LP I worked in the office space, not in any living space!

Womencanlift · 23/04/2021 12:01

YANBU (and definitely not territorial Hmm) it is your home first and an office second. You shouldn’t have to be dictated to about where you spend time

Yes he might be bored being stuck in a room (aren’t we all!) but if he wants to spread his legs or get some fresh air then he either does it with the acceptance that you live there and therefore will be making noise or he does it when you are out the house

BettysCardigan · 23/04/2021 12:03

@CuriousaboutSamphire

Whaaaat? Of course he 'can' if he wants! Well of course he can - but nobody WFH needs to be that selfish!
But the OP isn't selfish to want him to sit in one room all day every day?

Me and DH work anywhere we want - kitchen, dining room, garden, living room if I want a comfy seat Grin

No chance we'd be telling each other we weren't allowed to make full use of our own homes.

Curiosity101 · 23/04/2021 12:05

I agree with a PP. If he wants silence he should work in the office.
Equally if you want to nap undisturbed take the baby upstairs to the bedroom and sleep with the door shut. It's the exact same theory as him using the office if he wants silence.

Background noise isn't the same as you actively distracting him by talking to him whilst he's working though. Unless he specifically speaks to you whilst working in a communal area then I'd just pretend he's not there and get on with whatever you want to do. I wouldn't tip toe around him or allow yourself to feel uncomfortable - but I wouldn't actually address him.

It's important for you both to have a conversation together about communal / private spaces now though. And figure out something that will work moving forward otherwise (unnecessary) resentment could grow on both sides.

MaryMow22 · 23/04/2021 12:06

The problem is you are napping in a common area. Go to bed and close the door. Have a fan running for white noise. Let him listen for the baby - take advantage of having another adult in the house :)

UserTwice · 23/04/2021 12:07

Is he wfh from choice or because of Covid? If the latter, I think you need to accept that he might not see his lovely home office quite as you see it. If it's from choice, I agree you need ground rules about how communal space is used.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 23/04/2021 12:08

But the OP isn't selfish to want him to sit in one room all day every day? Erm, she did say why!

Me and DH work anywhere we want - kitchen, dining room, garden, living room if I want a comfy seat grin That's fine, but that's not the situation OP is in

No chance we'd be telling each other we weren't allowed to make full use of our own homes. Again, that works for you but is not the situation OP is in!