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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want my DH to stay in his home office?

95 replies

KO2018 · 23/04/2021 11:40

Currently at loggerheads with husband. He is working from home and I am on mat leave with our 4 week old baby.

He’s got a lovely home office set up upstairs with plenty of sunshine - I never go in there and it’s a good quiet place for calls where he won’t be disturbed.

However now it’s nice and sunny, he keeps coming downstairs to the patio to work which I find weirdly annoying. Yesterday I was trying to have a nap on the sofa and his loud boomy voice kept coming through the window and waking us up. Sure I could go upstairs but I don’t want to be stuck upstairs all day either!

He says I can be out on the patio too but he likes work in total undisturbed silence and gets all crabby if I start talking to him. I can’t relax feeling like I’m in his workspace...

AIBU to want the whole rest of the house to myself???

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 23/04/2021 13:45

Set up outside with the radio on and make some calls to friends. He will soon scuttle back upstairs

Original poster
KO2018 · 23/04/2021 14:09

Well this one has certainly divided the room!

I think @Curiosity101 and @MaryMow22 make a good point, naps are best upstairs I was just so knackered yesterday I collapsed where I was and didn’t want to move. But downstairs there’s always the doorbell going off or phone ringing etc so not wise anyway.

He’s going to take any calls upstairs and accepts that downstairs may be noisy (TBH I would totally want to stay in my office but that’s me)

... Perhaps once she starts getting more active and is climbing up his legs etc, he will quickly change his mind and retreat back to his man cave again Grin

OP posts:
UserTwice · 23/04/2021 14:10

@Stompythedinosaur

You both want to use the space, so negotiate with each other.
This is basically the answer. We didn't need a thread. Neither OP or her DH have more or less right to the space than the other one. They need to work out a way that allows them both to use it effectively.
WildfirePonie · 23/04/2021 14:11

I'd take over his home office. Turn it into a giant play room for the baby.

MixedUpFiles · 23/04/2021 14:17

DH and I have both WFH for many years. We each have a private office with a door that closes. That space is ours and is respected as workspace. The rest of the house is a home. It’s really important to keep that distinction. Occasionally one of us has to come work in the house because of a sick child or we have works being done and it throws off the house balance.

Darkmatterduck · 23/04/2021 14:40

Ah OP I am about to go on maternity leave and can foresee these issues as well! last time Daddy picked baby up at the slightest murmer, when she was often still asleep (she still gives out the odd cry in her sleep at almost 3) and then left me with an awake grouchy baby to go back to work, or when she was older and I would have her settled on an activity while I got on with something else he would then come and play for a few minutes before retreating back to work, leaving her crying as she wanted to play with daddy and me having to distract her etc I let it slide as it was only the odd WFH day- now we will both be home with him working and me, baby and a toddler we are going to have to work out some guidelines...not sure what yet tho!! (Although I am very excited to have him home this time as I think we will all benefit from it, just need to set some kind of guidelines that work for everyone)

Original poster
KO2018 · 23/04/2021 16:39

@Darkmatterduck kind of sweet that he wants to play with her though even at work! Babies are adorably distracting

OP posts:
Babyboomtastic · 23/04/2021 16:58

If he wants undisturbed quiet he goes to the he office. I'd you want undisturbed quiet you go to your bedroom. Anywhere else is fair game for both of you with the condition that you don't try to disturb each other. So you don't try to engage him in chat and he doesn't come through on a loud call waking you both up.

It's as unreasonable though to expect him to stay in one room all day though because you want the rest of the host, as he would be giving you once room and not wanting him in the rest of the house.

Bluntness100 · 23/04/2021 17:01

Can’t get my head round some folks thinking you’re being reasonable and he’s not allowed to pick the bits of his own home he wants to use.

Honestly don’t know how some people manage to stay in a relationship. If this was a predominantly male board ans someone was saying that about the wife there would be an outcry.

Somuchgoo · 23/04/2021 17:06

^ agree Bluntness.

OP, you love this guy enough to marry him and have a baby together. Talk to eachother about it and come up with a solution that works for you both

CuriousaboutSamphire · 23/04/2021 17:07

@Bluntness100

Can’t get my head round some folks thinking you’re being reasonable and he’s not allowed to pick the bits of his own home he wants to use.

Honestly don’t know how some people manage to stay in a relationship. If this was a predominantly male board ans someone was saying that about the wife there would be an outcry.

Because we make different compromises than you would?

Because we see things differently and are happy as we are?

And I have no idea what would happen on an all make board. DOn't really think it's all that relevant. Oh! Except, when DH was discussing use of space and time with a newborn with a colleague he told said colleague not to be a twat and that his wife and newborn should come first, that he needed to get his head roud the very real changes in his life or he would be asking for the kind of trouble deadbeat dads get!

So maybe NAMALT??

GroggyLegs · 23/04/2021 17:08

Our rule is that you can work where you like but you can't complain about noise if you're not in your office

Yep, we had a conversation about this early on. We are working from home - we dont live in an office, and while, yes for important calls we keep the whooping to a minimum, generally the family needs to be left to get on with noisy family life.

Like OP, we are incredibly privileged to have a spare room/office, if you're working from the living room it's much, much harder to implement that.

Hardbackwriter · 23/04/2021 17:19

@Bluntness100

Can’t get my head round some folks thinking you’re being reasonable and he’s not allowed to pick the bits of his own home he wants to use.

Honestly don’t know how some people manage to stay in a relationship. If this was a predominantly male board ans someone was saying that about the wife there would be an outcry.

I think OP is reasonable because what she's asking is what I did on days when I was WFH and DH was looking after our toddler for the past year - I didn't love doing it and I roamed the house much more on days when we were both at work and DS was at nursery, but it made DH's life harder if I was wandering around the house - it unsettled DS, it made him feel he had to keep DS quiet. It felt like a no brainer to me to make the life of the person I love and who was looking after our child easier even though it was a bit boring being stuck in the spare room all day.
UserTwice · 23/04/2021 17:23

@Bluntness100

Can’t get my head round some folks thinking you’re being reasonable and he’s not allowed to pick the bits of his own home he wants to use.

Honestly don’t know how some people manage to stay in a relationship. If this was a predominantly male board ans someone was saying that about the wife there would be an outcry.

The reverse scenario would be if OP said she had to spend the whole day in her baby's room because DH found her presence distracting while he was working. Can't see too many people agreeing that this was ok. Even if the room was lovely with plenty of sunshine.
Mistressinthetulips · 23/04/2021 17:25

It's not even in terms of, they both live there so can be in any part of the house they want, unless the Op also has freedom to use the office/study for whatever she wants.

Theunamedcat · 23/04/2021 17:26

He can use the house how he wants he just can't demand silence from the other people who live there

Bluntness100 · 23/04/2021 17:27

The reverse scenario would be if OP said she had to spend the whole day in her baby's room because DH found her presence distracting while he was working. Can't see too many people agreeing that this was ok. Even if the room was lovely with plenty of sunshine.

Agree, it’s ludicrously controlling, and some folks are baying “yeah you lock him in his room, how dare he come out and disturb you”.

Peak mumsnet batshit.

Hardbackwriter · 23/04/2021 17:30

I can't imagine making any request of DH that I thought would make my life easier when we had a 4 week old and him saying he wouldn't do it because it would interfere with his time sitting outside on the patio...

Bluntness100 · 23/04/2021 17:32

@Hardbackwriter

I can't imagine making any request of DH that I thought would make my life easier when we had a 4 week old and him saying he wouldn't do it because it would interfere with his time sitting outside on the patio...
Did you ask him to stay in one room all day rhen?
sst1234 · 23/04/2021 17:33

How about you go and nap in the bedroom. Or is he the only one subjected to unreasonable rules in your house?

Love51 · 23/04/2021 17:34

@Brefugee

Our rule is that you can work where you like but you can't complain about noise if you're not in your office. Works fine
I WFH. I'm at pains to emphasise to DH that normal child noise on the after-schools when he is with the children. In fact I want MORE background noise to strengthen my case to be allowed to go to work!
sst1234 · 23/04/2021 17:35

@Bluntness100

The reverse scenario would be if OP said she had to spend the whole day in her baby's room because DH found her presence distracting while he was working. Can't see too many people agreeing that this was ok. Even if the room was lovely with plenty of sunshine.

Agree, it’s ludicrously controlling, and some folks are baying “yeah you lock him in his room, how dare he come out and disturb you”.

Peak mumsnet batshit.

Honestly this place and some of the users are bonkers. This kind of crap really doesn’t help women and achieving parity with men in life. It just paints women to be irrational, hysterical, unreasonable beings.
PlanDeRaccordement · 23/04/2021 17:38

YABU for napping on the sofa. That is one thing that irritates me to no end. It means the whole house becomes a quiet zone when the person could have just used their bed and closed the door.

I see no reason why he can’t work on the patio now and then. Beds are for napping not sofas. If you nap on the sofa, you accept the noise that comes with living areas. The same applies to him working on patio...it can’t be a no noise zone either.

DrunkOnOneSip · 23/04/2021 17:40

I wonder what he would feel if, when working at the office instead of at home, you showed up and did one or more of the followig:

Changed the baby's nappy on his desk.
Made a few loud phone calls to the health visitor.
Used the employee bathroom to bath the baby.
Had a nap on the conference table.
Cooked a meal in the office kitchen.
Sat next to his desk singing lullabies to the baby.
Whipped your boob out to provide a feed in reception.

No?

Wouldn't do any of that?

I wonder why not. Couldn't be because you would be encroaching on his work space, could it?

Yet, invariably, it is always okay the other way round.

DrunkOnOneSip · 23/04/2021 17:42

Posted too soon.

Tell him to use off back into his perfectly good office until break times or having finished work for the day.