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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want my DH to stay in his home office?

95 replies

KO2018 · 23/04/2021 11:40

Currently at loggerheads with husband. He is working from home and I am on mat leave with our 4 week old baby.

He’s got a lovely home office set up upstairs with plenty of sunshine - I never go in there and it’s a good quiet place for calls where he won’t be disturbed.

However now it’s nice and sunny, he keeps coming downstairs to the patio to work which I find weirdly annoying. Yesterday I was trying to have a nap on the sofa and his loud boomy voice kept coming through the window and waking us up. Sure I could go upstairs but I don’t want to be stuck upstairs all day either!

He says I can be out on the patio too but he likes work in total undisturbed silence and gets all crabby if I start talking to him. I can’t relax feeling like I’m in his workspace...

AIBU to want the whole rest of the house to myself???

OP posts:

Mistressinthetulips · 23/04/2021 12:10

No one should ever wake the mother of a four week old baby without a very good reason.

PatrickBatemann · 23/04/2021 12:13

His office is his working space. The house is living space. He can't take the bits he wants as and when

Fuck that. It's his house, and he can if he wants.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 23/04/2021 12:18

Fuck that. It's his house, and he can if he wants. And what about OP? And his newborn?

I suspect a few posters are over thinking this in order to get all angry about it.

ContessaVerde · 23/04/2021 12:19

I think we are supposed to chat to babies. I would have found this really hard if i was trying to establish that with an unwilling audience around. If he’s stopping you from developing your interaction with baby he should limit the amount of time he’s in your space. He’s probably not thought about how lucky he is not to have to work in the bedroom like most people do.

Woodlandbelle · 23/04/2021 12:22

You are a new mum and haves right to enjoy your home. He had a perfectly good office. He can enjoy the patio on his breaks and lunch and after work. He's being selfish here. Dh works from home and we don't see him except during his breaks.

MadeOfStarStuff · 23/04/2021 12:22

If he wants quiet he needs to work in his office, it’s unreasonable to expect you to tip toe around especially with a tiny baby!

Chipsahoy · 23/04/2021 12:31

My dh has worked from home for ten years. We’ve had three children in that time. He works in his office. Home space is home space. Office is for working. When he’s there with door shut we leave him be. If he’s downstairs then he’s in the home mode and things are as normal.

LovingLivingLife · 23/04/2021 12:33

I could have written this post at the start of the first lockdown! I'm annoyed just thinking about it!

You are not being unreasonable to ask your DH not to make the whole house his office. I would try a serious chat first to explain how frustrating it is to have to tip toe around him all day. If that fails I personally would suggest going about your day making as much noise as you want and ignoring that he is there. If he wants quiet there is a space for that.

We worked out a compromise where DH would only come downstairs if he didn't have calls and was happy to deal with the day to day noise of baby playing / cleaning/ cooking etc. Also if he was starting to get stressed / swearing and it was impacting on us I could also ask him to go and he would respect that.

AryaStarkWolf · 23/04/2021 12:36

I think he's entitled to work on the Patio if he likes however he's not entitled to expect silence when he's choosing to work in your living space

FinallyHere · 23/04/2021 12:39

wants to work in silence and not to be disturbed then he stays in the office with the door closed

This ^

BettysCardigan · 23/04/2021 12:42

I think you need a discussion.

He is as entitled to use the

CuriousaboutSamphire · 23/04/2021 12:42

@AryaStarkWolf

I think he's entitled to work on the Patio if he likes however he's not entitled to expect silence when he's choosing to work in your living space

I think OP was also wanting him to shut up, for his work calls not to intrude on her sleeping/dealing with their newborn child.

He needs to adjust to having a baby in the house. Just as OP is having to.

BettysCardigan · 23/04/2021 12:43

FFS.

He is as entitled to use the house as you are, but he can't expect to be treated like The King is he chooses to be in common areas. There will be noise.

AryaStarkWolf · 23/04/2021 12:46

I think OP was also wanting him to shut up, for his work calls not to intrude on her sleeping/dealing with their newborn child.

He needs to adjust to having a baby in the house. Just as OP is having to.

She did also say that he expects her to be quiet if he's working out there which is out of order, however I do think the same should apply if she wants to take a nap with the baby she could go upstairs if she wants silence

Aprilx · 23/04/2021 12:47

I think you are being pretty unreasonable. Few people that work in an office normally are confined to one small bedroom size room all day long. We are having a little bit of nice weather, surely he is allowed to enjoy it from time to time.

He should not expect you to be silent if he chooses to work outside the home office, but equally you shouldn’t be trying to hold a conversation with him whilst he works!

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 23/04/2021 12:48

I’d ask him to use the office for phone calls because they disturb you when you’re napping but if he’s just sitting on his laptop quietly then no issue with him using the garden.

MangosteenSoda · 23/04/2021 12:55

I’d lock him in his office with a packed lunch and let him out at 5

Seriously though, it shouldn’t take rocket science. He works in his office when making calls/in meetings or when he needs a quiet environment. Otherwise, work wherever and put up with normal family noise around him. It’s not fair to engage him in random conversation though, just because he’s around.

StrawBeretMoose · 23/04/2021 12:57

@FizzyApricot

If he can't work from home when you are there he should go into the office.

I'm not allowed to go to the office (by my employer).

OP have a conversation about it, you live there, but if he's actively working I wouldn't start chatting to him, at least not without checking if he's got a few minutes.

I move to the kitchen for lunch, I bring my laptop sometimes, I don't expect silence if someone is also using the kitchen but I might not be up for a chat.

frazzledasarock · 23/04/2021 12:58

He cannot work wherever he wants in the house and expect you to be quiet and fall into line so his work calls/concentration aren ot interrupted.

If he wants to be silent or if he is being noisy he needs to use his office.

If he's doing work that is not going to disturb you and baby or expect utter silence from you then he can move to work where he wants.

This is not comparable to working in an office or two people WFH.

And even if I were working in an office, I couldn't get everyone to shush because I was on an all important call, I'd have to find a private room to make my important calls.

Think you need to tell him he needs to use his office if he is being noisy or needs silence.

Otherwise I'd just be noisy when he wants silence, or have your own loud calls when he's on his calls.

He is being unreasonable, he has a working space, he chooses not to utilise it.

D & I WFH currently as well, and we both use our office, only moving into communal areas if we wont be disturbing anyone. Doesn't mean we are banished to our office till after office hours.

LadyCatStark · 23/04/2021 12:58

@LakeShoreD

We had the same dilemma in our house. We’ve agreed that if DH wants to work in silence and not to be disturbed then he stays in the office with the door closed. The same applies if I want a nap with baby- I go to the bedroom and close the door. If you’re in the common areas of the house e.g. living room, garden then that means you’re ok with background noise, having a general chat etc. IMO it’s not fair to silence someone in their own home and we’ve found our rhythm a lot better since we started sticking to this.

I agree completely with this. Anyone who wants silence needs to close themselves away.

DH and I have had to WFH throughout this and the only time I’ve been pissed off with him is when I came downstairs one morning to see he’d fancied a change of scenery so had decamped from his purpose made office into my exact spot at the dining room table 🤷‍♀️. I went and set myself up in his office so he soon came back!

emilyfrost · 23/04/2021 13:00

YABU, and you shouldn’t be talking to him if he’s working. You can restrain yourself.

You don’t need to tiptoe around him and Lee yourself and the baby quiet but you should just leave him to work.

AryaStarkWolf · 23/04/2021 13:02

@Thatisnotwhatisaid

I’d ask him to use the office for phone calls because they disturb you when you’re napping but if he’s just sitting on his laptop quietly then no issue with him using the garden.

Yes, that sounds like a great compromise actually

MangosteenSoda · 23/04/2021 13:05

I don’t think OP and 4 week old should have to sleep in the bedroom only. I had a screaming, velco, nightmare sleeper who woke - and took offence - at the slightest thing. Any time he fell asleep, I’d grab a pillow and dive for the nearest flat surface. Depends a lot on the baby though.

MissMarplesGoddaughter · 23/04/2021 13:12

OP- I feel sorry for your NDNs if your OH is taking work calls outside in the garden unless he speaks quietly, he is probably disturbing them too......

Stompythedinosaur · 23/04/2021 13:15

You both want to use the space, so negotiate with each other.

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