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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To give up on my DS becoming “a reader”?

67 replies

workwoes123 · 23/04/2021 09:33

DS is 14. He has always been a reluctant albeit good reader. He taught himself to read in English, is fully bilingual (we live in France) and doing okay at school.

I grew up in a “reading” house: books everywhere, mum always had a book in her hand, DSis and I both encouraged to be bookworms. I assumed DS would be the same... and he’s not at all. He did read under duress until he was 12/13 and since then he just won’t. He’ll read comics / BD, he’ll read some non fiction though he’s far more likely to Google anything he wants to learn about. In his spare time he games, chats to friends, does homework, sports, meets up with friends etc. He might read in bed for 5 minutes (Blackadder scripts atm :-)) but that’s about it. He just doesn’t want to and I’m fed up making him.

In his room there is a book shelf filled with reading options that we’ve bought / been given / hand me downs. Some of them DS even chose (book vouchers from grandparents) but he’s never read them. They cover the whole range - loads of popular authors, old books that DHused to read them, loads of non fiction. Frankly I’m sick of dusting it, the books just sit there from week to month, taking up space and representing my failure to produce a “reader” Blush. WIBU to pass most / all of them on? How many years would you hang onto unread books in the hope that they’ll be read? Do your children still have a bookshelf in their rooms even if they rarely read?

YABU. Keep the books - it’s important that yr DS has the option if he suddenly changes his mind

YANBU Lose the books and let yr DS pursue his own hobbies, his choice.

OP posts:
1stTimeMama · 23/04/2021 09:48

I'm not really sure why you're so focused on your son needing to love reading. We are all different, and maybe it's just not his thing?
They are his books, so ask him if he'd like to keep them or not, and just do whatever he chooses. If one day he decides he'd like to read something, he can take himself off to the library, bookshop or Amazon etc.
At his age, he certainly doesn't need anyone 'making' him read.

AngstyMom · 23/04/2021 09:51

Just leave the books and stop dusting his room for him. If you leave them there he may one day pick them up. If you remove them, there's no chance he will.

FWIW, comic books do count as reading.

MaMaD1990 · 23/04/2021 09:54

I was a bit like your DS when I was younger. My DM and DS are complete book worms and just loved reading - I didn't mind it but would rather do other things instead. Try encouraging him with the hobbies he enjoys and not push him to read more if he doesn't want to. As long as he can read and is doing well in his studies, there's not much point trying to force a hobby on him.

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 23/04/2021 09:56

Keep the books around, show him your love of reading by reading around him as your Mum did but don’t force it. I teach English and read a lot so I’ve always read lots to my DC and encouraged them to read too. They’re not as keen the older they’re getting which is sad but their choice, you can’t force a love of reading.

SilverOnToast · 23/04/2021 09:58

But comics, BD, non fiction and Blackadder scripts are all reading? Basically are you saying he doesn’t enjoy novels? Because plenty of people don’t enjoy reading novels. Which is fine, since we’re all different.

BD and comics are always slated as literature “lite” which bothers me a bit as there is such an important visual literacy element to reading comics, and the vocabulary/lexile of comics is often pretty advanced. Comics can also often be about hugely important social issues too. Encourage his love of those!

hellywelly3 · 23/04/2021 10:21

Not everyone loves reading. It’s just like anything else really. He sounds like a fantastic kid. Focus on what he has done rather than what he hasn’t, he will end up feeling like a disappointment to you.

FunnyWonder · 23/04/2021 10:23

Some people just don't enjoy reading novels - certainly not in the conventional sense of pure escapism. DS is 12 and, after going through the Harry Potter phase a couple of years go, came to a standstill. He does read though. Mostly Minecraft books! But it's still reading. I have bought him loads of books, which he has, for the most part, ignored. Then he suddenly asked for some awful Five Nights at Freddy's books and has devoured them in a few days. That's probably because he chose them himself based on his enjoyment of the video game, so they had a context for him.

If it's about extending vocabulary, improving grammar and spelling, and generally stretching your brain, then any reading is fantastic. DS read a few volumes of Spider-Man comics - the vocabulary was rich and varied and the concepts and dilemmas fairly complex and challenging.

workwoes123 · 23/04/2021 10:24

@SilverOnToast

I may have over-egged his reading of comics etc. He picked up a non fiction yesterday, first time in over a year. He reads maybe 5 minutes before sleep 2-3 nights a week. I can’t remember the last time he looked at a BD (I’d be perfectly happy if he read these). When I said “he’ll read...” I should have said “when he still read he might read ...” but in reality he’s not doing any of them.

OP posts:
FunnyWonder · 23/04/2021 10:25

Oh, and I love the fact that your DS is reading the Blackadder scripts. Fantastic!

ComDummings · 23/04/2021 10:25

@AngstyMom

Just leave the books and stop dusting his room for him. If you leave them there he may one day pick them up. If you remove them, there's no chance he will.

FWIW, comic books do count as reading.

I agree with this ^
2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney · 23/04/2021 10:28

I too worried about my son only liking comics at your da age and older . But then he did a reading test at 14 and results came back that he was 1 year older in reading age. I was surprised tbh. Not that later on he discovered Alex Ryder through audiobooks and decided to read them for themselves.
He still reads today in his mid twenties. Not as I did but then again I read less novels now.

I would ask your son about the books, suggest audio books of something in the genre he likes Carry on with any reading v matter he likes and lighted man up a little. If school is going fine anyhow done worry about it.

workwoes123 · 23/04/2021 10:30

@FunnyWonder

Reading and learning by heart so he can quote large chunks. Unf all his friends are french so he doesn’t have anyone to quote to except us :-))

OP posts:
mistermagpie · 23/04/2021 10:34

I agree with everyone else, he doesn't need to love reading and it's not really more worthy than other hobbies to be honest.

I love books, I get through a few a week, but I only listen to audiobooks (I've got three children, aged 5 and under so can listen during night feeds, walks when the baby is asleep, on the way home from school/nursery drop off and while I work because I have that kind of job) and my friend said that 'didn't count' as reading!

People can be a bit superior about books and think that chick-lit and graphic novels don't count, but it's all the written/drawn word and people should be allowed to enjoy what they enjoy.

My DH is very dyslexic and never ever reads novels because it's a struggle for him, but he's really well educated and articulate and has lots of other skills to boot.

I wouldn't worry at all.

firstimemamma · 23/04/2021 10:35

I love reading but DP would never pick up a book for fun. He's got a successful medical career and is happy and fulfilled. Reading isn't essential.

SixDegrees · 23/04/2021 10:38

What does BD stand for?

Coconut2010 · 23/04/2021 10:44

YANBU. Pick your battles.
My children are not avid reader unlike me when I was their age. I was very upset and worried initially but this hasn't prevented them to be very successful in their studies. They all have strong academic interests which they are reading about in their free time (e.g. science etc) but this is not literature. When we are together in the car or around a meal we try and compensate for the lack of vocabulary they would otherwise learn when reading novels.
Times have changed. When I was bored as a child, I would read a book. Children have so many more alternatives these days.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 23/04/2021 10:46

Think about how you’d react if you read a thread from someone pushing their child to take part in sports, even if they’d only ever done it ‘under duress’ by the time they reached 14. My bet is you’d be telling the OP to let the child be themselves; that not everyone is interested in sport and that you shouldn’t make a child feel bad about that. (You’d be right, by the way.)

However, reading is somehow seen as elevated; a kind of hallowed activity that we must not only enjoy, but also been seen to enjoy - hence the ‘My child MUST have a bookshelf in his bedroom’. Not every child is going to be excited by reading - and I say this as someone who grew up loving reading and went on to do an English degree. What’s the point in forcing it?

When I saw the thread title, I honestly thought your son was going to be about seven. At 14, it’s time to stop forcing it.

HowWeAre · 23/04/2021 10:46

I think the more you push it, the more he will not want to and see it as a chore

Coconut2010 · 23/04/2021 10:46

@SixDegrees

What does BD stand for?
"bande dessinee" I presume? The French word for comic
LindaEllen · 23/04/2021 10:48

I don't know why so many people obsess over their children not reading. He's not going to enjoy anything if you have to MAKE him do it. He has other interests at the moment. He may enjoy reading as he gets older, he may not. But not everyone does, and it's really not the be all and end all so long as he CAN read, which he obviously can.

Lydia777 · 23/04/2021 10:48

I'm an English teacher and a big believer in introducing books and reading to children at a very young age - from toddlers upwards. However, once that's done, while I would quietly encourage reading, I wouldn't force it at all. Some people are not readers and that's fine.

Many, perhaps most, teenagers, abandon books in those years - in my experience, especially boys, except for the quiet bookish kind. Gaming and sports are more of interest to most boys and again, that's fine. Some boys will come back to it in adulthood in their own time and develop a real love of reading - others won't and that is totally fine - different interests and personalities.

I also find most teenage boys prefer non-fiction to fiction - as google is there now, there is less incentive but that's fine - reading things online will steal improve vocabulary, grammar etc. You could perhaps encourage him to look at blogs that cater to his interests as opposed to always watching videos online.

I used to have a policy of all students in my classes having a book so that they could read if finished work etc - a lot of them chose football player biographies, war histories, fun fact books etc. I think if I forced them to read fiction, they would resent it.

I also sometimes find with some very well meaning parents that they don't like that their teenagers (usually girls) are solely reading Jacqueline Wilson and what they deem 'lighter' fiction and really want them to start reading the classics etc. I think while it is nice to suggest some different books and expand their horizons, it is a big mistake to overly push 'better quality' fiction on them as it will often put them off books like the classics as they feel it is forced on them. If they like reading, broadening their horizons will come naturally in time.

We're all different - I don't like TV and I much prefer reading. That's natural to me as opposed to something I have 'tried to do.' I don't think that is something that can be forced, just a different way of taking in information I suppose.

Sorry that was long!

shivermetimbers77 · 23/04/2021 10:50

I was an avid reader as a child, but read very few novels between about 13-19 ... it just didn’t seem appealing and there was so much other stuff to do/watch! However I gradually rediscovered my love of reading in my 20s and am now a very keen reader again, always with a few novels on the go. It’s very common OP, try not to worry.

Love51 · 23/04/2021 10:54

I remember that statistically an indicator of boys reading is if they see their dads read.
I count myself as a reader but this past year I've spent more time on Mumsnet than with a book. Sometimes the brain doesn't have space for books.

Parkandride · 23/04/2021 10:56

My brother was never a reader but now he's in his late 20s he always has a book on the go. Usually more highbrow and weighty ones than me who gobbled up books growing up. I think stop pushing it as it sounds like he has plenty of interests

StillCoughingandLaughing · 23/04/2021 10:59

I love books, I get through a few a week, but I only listen to audiobooks (I've got three children, aged 5 and under so can listen during night feeds, walks when the baby is asleep, on the way home from school/nursery drop off and while I work because I have that kind of job) and my friend said that 'didn't count' as reading!

I’ve seen quite a few MN threads over the years from posters who’ve been shocked to visit houses without books on display. ‘Houses without books have no soul!’, they cry. But how do they know these people don’t have hundreds of books on a Kindle or as audiobooks? Is it less about a house having a soul and more about perceived intelligence? You not only have to enjoy reading, but be SEEN to enjoy it.