To give up on my DS becoming “a reader”?

[workwoes123]

DS is 14. He has always been a reluctant albeit good reader. He taught himself to read in English, is fully bilingual (we live in France) and doing okay at school.

I grew up in a “reading” house: books everywhere, mum always had a book in her hand, DSis and I both encouraged to be bookworms. I assumed DS would be the same... and he’s not at all. He did read under duress until he was 12/13 and since then he just won’t. He’ll read comics / BD, he’ll read some non fiction though he’s far more likely to Google anything he wants to learn about. In his spare time he games, chats to friends, does homework, sports, meets up with friends etc. He might read in bed for 5 minutes (Blackadder scripts atm :-)) but that’s about it. He just doesn’t want to and I’m fed up making him.

In his room there is a book shelf filled with reading options that we’ve bought / been given / hand me downs. Some of them DS even chose (book vouchers from grandparents) but he’s never read them. They cover the whole range - loads of popular authors, old books that DHused to read them, loads of non fiction. Frankly I’m sick of dusting it, the books just sit there from week to month, taking up space and representing my failure to produce a “reader” . WIBU to pass most / all of them on? How many years would you hang onto unread books in the hope that they’ll be read? Do your children still have a bookshelf in their rooms even if they rarely read?

YABU. Keep the books - it’s important that yr DS has the option if he suddenly changes his mind

YANBU Lose the books and let yr DS pursue his own hobbies, his choice.

I was a total bookworm when I was younger. I adored reading. But at 33 I couldn’t tell you the last time I picked up a book. I would now only read autobiographies and have absolutely no interest in fiction. His hobbies and enjoyment need to come naturally and there is absolutely nothing wrong with not being a reader. Let him be.

'He did read under duress'

leave him alone and let him decide when he wants to read. Just because you, your sister, your mum and the cat loves books doesn't mean he automatically will.

Stealth bragging post is not so stealthy....

My ds is also like this - he is 12 with a much higher reading age, excelling in English and other languages at school (Spanish and Latin), is teaching himself German, but will not read for pleasure! Our house is full of books, dh and I are both voracious readers - I try hard not to let it bother me.

Will your ds listen to audiobooks? My ds will sometimes do that. I wouldn’t get rid of the books personally - you never know, he might get into it.

The more you push, the less appealing it is.
My DD was a complete bookworm for years but has massively fallen out of love with it recently. I think she's outgrown kids books, dislikes YA themes but isn't ready for full on adult books yet.
She's enjoying a few non fiction books which has surprised her and was bought some graphic novels for her birthday.
I think if you've never been a 'reader', either it's just not your thing or maybe you haven't found the kinds of things you might want to read yet. Magazines, cartoons, fanfic, non-fiction are all reading!

If the books are in his room, just ask if he still wants them there? Or not mention them at all and he’ll eventually might decide to get rid or read.
If he’s not bothered by them, maybe you don’t have to be either and all will work out in the end.

Leave the books, and leave your son alone. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing- just because he’s not reading right now doesn’t mean you have to give up on him forever and take all his books away Stop pushing but leave the option open

It seems a bit extreme to get rid of his books, there might be some that are too young now, but otherwise leave them where they are. You can't force him to read, but you can definitely make it less likely if you take the books away.

I feel this! I'm a complete bookworm, so was my mother. If it's any comfort, my sister never enjoyed reading, still doesn't do it for pleasure, but is by far the most academically and professionally successful of the family. Reading is a bit of a drug for me, I use it to distract myself.

My son isn't a reader. At all. Apart from set texts in English GCSE (and I'm still not 100% convinced he read all those) I should think he's probably read a handful of actual books by choice. I was a bit nonplussed by this as I don't really get what people do if they're not reading.

He's 17 now. He now does read nonfiction if it's something he's interested in. This has only really happened in the last few months. What helped me let go of the need to make him a reader a few years ago was (ironically) reading The Shepherd's Life by James Rebanks which makes a strong case for the equal valuing of other skills in this verbal/academically obsessed hierarchical culture. Rebanks only started reading in his late teens as well.

TBH your son sounds great. I would relax.

What does he enjoy? Why not focus on that and what he’s good at. If you love doing a particular thing and you find it easy, it’s a pleasure to keep doing it. I feel that way about books and have hundreds on the Kindle. If someone tried to interest me in football though, they could try until the cows come home and it wouldn’t make any difference. As long as he can read for information and to use reading functionally, he’ll be OK.

People often like life to be fast-moving and might find the getting-into phase of a book tedious. Series are popular because you can get straight into the subsequent stories as you already know the main characters and settings. (Same with TV and the popularity of soap operas.)

In a similar way, your DS might like biographies/ autobiographies of people he already knows.

On a practical note, has he had a recent eye test? He might be choosing not to read because it's hard work.

How often does he see you read?

Keep them.

Peoples' time and excuses for reading, and reading tastes, can change dramatically over decades. I never bought a book of poetry until after I retired. (Missed so much! but now I have time and a bottomless book account). Bored guest in someone elses house....picked book off their shelf.. never in my wildest dreams did I imagine becoming hooked on reading about ships and naval history I hunted down and read two very long series. Reread during covid.

At school and university . I was so bored to tears by at least two very famous English authors I barely skimmed their beastly novels. But decades later they were still on the shelf so I tried them again and was addicted. ( Nobody ever told me Jane Austen is so dry and funny).

As children my sons were reading addicts (dark Scottish winters); in adulthood their studies, travels and careers and relationships crowded out books. Since parenthood and covid I've noticed the books are back in favour.

Don't give up on his books . He just needs more time.

There is an importance we attribute to books which is no longer valid because, historically, they were more valuable (my parents treasured the half dozen books they could afford as children) and their contents were less easy to duplicate in other ways (from Wikipedia to Netflix).

I was absolutely taught as a child that getting rid of books was some kind of cultural or intellectual faux pas. I don’t believe that now.

If your son isn’t interested in these books, give them (or some of them at least) to someone who is. It won’t be hard for him to get hold of books at a later date if he wants them.

You’ve done your job. He’s been given the opportunity to show an interest and he’d rather be doing other things.

Would you keep a library of VHS cassettes that your son showed no interest in watching?

Do you beat yourself up because you show no interest in, say, video gaming?

My DS is the same. It makes me really sad. Reading is such a big part of my life and I love it so much and get so much from it. It's also so good for sparking interest in stuff, building vocabulary etc.

I've tried all sorts of books with him to no avail.

I think this is really common for teenage boys (owner of 3 of them).

I would keep the books, especially if there is stuff he liked when he was younger. My 14YO and 16YO have just revisited some series they enjoyed a few years ago. Re-reading is a great thing, and one day he might be so bored he will pick stuff off the shelf. It's a way of signalling that you are a household that values reading, and maybe he'll realise that he does too at some point.

Stuff that might work (but probably won't):

Bribery - 'I really think you would enjoy this and I will give you X if you read the first 100 pages'. Hey, it's worth a try.

Audiobooks - when exercising or as a family thing on car journeys. Or ebooks borrowed from the library. Somehow reading it on a screen feels less worthy to my boys and therefore more enticing.

Watching tv series based on books - one DS had read The Count of Monte Cristo and loved it so we introduced both to the French tv series on holiday when there was nothing else to do. The other DS will never read it but at least he has a little bit of knowledge of classic literature that he didn't have before.

Not sweating about them reading crap. It's a reading habit. Better Asterix and Tintin (obvs not crap) and graphic novels than nothing - and some crap is a lot better than you think.

Making sure they see their father read. My DH stopped reading fiction as a teenager but had to start again when he married me because I always had a book to read at bedtime. Now I look out for books he might like and get them from the library so he always has options, and the kids see him reading fiction.

Reading aloud to them. This was good for younger teens. We did Tom Sawyer when they were younger and To Kill a Mockingbird last year. I should try this again.

Borrow books for them from the library. I borrow a huge stack before we go on holiday for everyone in the house, and then if they don't enjoy them, I've not wasted any money.

Turn off the wifi at particular times, but especially if you're on holiday at some point during the day. Boredom may work.

None of these are great ideas, tbh, but if there were a reliable way of making teenage boys read, you would be doing it already, and so would all the English teachers and librarians in the land.

And yes, as adults some men do go back to reading.

Sorry have skimmed the thread but as a librarian reading and literaacy is about much more than reading books. I echo what others have said - he is reading if he's reading articles/information he finds on Google about subjects which interest him and if he is reading comic/graphic books.
I agree it is important that he sees people around him including his father/uncles etc reading and that he has access to a wide range of reading material.

Of course leave the books!

how do you expect him to ever pick one if there are none.

If you banned video games, he would have more opportunities to read too.

Absolutely agree with @MasterBeth - we need to be more specific about why books have become such an important artefact in our culture. In part, it is of course to develop one's written language - to be able to for example write reports/papers in the future. Books also used to be the main way of engaging with different stories - however, in places, this has often been replaced by films, youtube, and computer games - lots of creative writers now work as games designers. It also used to be the only way to find out about the world around us - but the internet has clearly replaced that almost entirely. For example my is MN so popular - because people love to find out about other people's lives, This used to be done through novels but can now be done by reading threads on MN.

So that's not to say that reading novels is not important. However, lots of kids/people are now engaging/picking up the same types of skills/info as before through other means and that's ok. Let's not forget that novels themselves are a fairly recent invention. I mean how many of us now read tales or listen to ballads etc?

I agree with previous posters do not push it. There is research which suggests that given boys mature a little slower than girls, they sometimes do better with non-fiction than fiction. My eldest son for years was hooked on the horrible histories season. No he is older he reads all kind of complex stuff I could never fathom.

Thanks for starting the thread OP. I am the same. DS (12) read masses until about two years ago - was known as a total bookworm and just gradually stopped. It’s been useful to read everyone’s thoughts. It’s a shame (I think) as I love reading and find it v relaxing but DH doesn’t at all. Funnily enough as a teacher he still thinks it’s important the DC read...

I know what you mean OP. I'm a bit the same with my step kids, alas I have quietly let that one go, neither of their parents seem bothered so why should I.

I wouldn't write him off completely yet, i don't think I picked up a book throughout my 20's, yet now at 33 I'm a ferocious reader and rarely without at least two on the go. He may come round to it.

I'd give up..get rid of the books. Get him a kindle maybe. Less dusting.
I am avid reader, so we're my parents. I have 2grown children. My DD has always loved to read. My DD not at all. She read a few books as a teenager mainly because her friends were reading them. Now in her 20's age still rarely reads it just doesn't interest her.

DS I mean lives to read

Thanks all, I'm going to stop beating myself up about it. I know I sound naive - I grew up assuming everyone read as much as my family did (grew up very rural - there wasn't a lot else to do on a farm in the 1970/80s!). Having said that, I recently became aware that my dad isn't actually a big reader - and that he had been very lonely in our family, everyone with their nose stuck in a book at every opportunity.

I totally agree that books have this totemic importance in some parts of society - and I have many friends in that group. The "couldn't imagine life without reading or a house without piles of books around" group. I'm not like that so much anymore, but it has clearly stuck somewhere in my values and expectations.

DH and I both read a lot, DH even more than me. But DS has been exposed to other views in the last couple of years, including a cousin he looks up to saying to him "I hate reading, books are soooo boring, don't you think so DS?". Which was a bit of a trigger I think - he'd never heard anyone say that out loud! His dad (DHs BIL) hasn't read a book since leaving secondary school, he's in his 40s now. Since then DS will openly say "reading's boring, I hate it". That is hard to hear, for me. He'll then qualify it by saying "well I don't actually hate it, I mean it's okay, but I just don't want to do it right now" .

I think another reason I've had such a bee in my bonnet is that we are an English-speaking family living in France. DH is in French school, and the English he's learning there is only at the level of French speakers i.e. very basic. If we don't keep him reading in English, he will fall way behind - and up till now he's been ahead in reading (my mums's a primary teacher, she has kept an eye on his English skills). He says he wants to go to Uni in the UK: that will never happen if he doesn't at least maintain his reading level, in fact he'll need to pick it up considerably. But maybe that's just too remote an idea to motivate him atm.

Anyway, thanks all for the advice.