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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner says I've used him? (TW mentions sexual assault)

56 replies

Currentlywatchingshrek · 23/04/2021 08:44

Hi, I hope I can get some perspective on an issue I'm having with my partner.
Basically for some background info I was sexually assaulted about 9 years ago. Thought I had dealt with this but recently have been thinking about it more. Also since that happened I have been into more BDSM type sex (apparently this is a normal reaction to the trauma idk) and have done this in the past with my bf though not so much the last couple of years.

So as I said recently feeling quite down as have unresolved feelings about the sexual assault. Around the same time get back into BDSM sex with my partner - all going well, we're enjoying ourselves and I feel better.

Then problems started to arise when partner starts over sharing with his friend. Basically telling him about our sex life in too much detail, friend became really intrusive asking very personal questions and for details aswell as hinting at wanting pictures. He Waldo sends graphic details of what he is doing with his wife and apparently she gets of on other people know what they are doing.

I had to sit my partner down and basically say this was really unacceptable to me. I feel really disrespected that I'm being spoken about like this and also his friends have used us in their foreplay without our consent which is super triggering to me and brings back all those negative emotions.

Talked it out and my partner basically said he didn't realise that my wanting to do bdsm style sec was related to my assault and he now feels that I have just used him to get over that and that it wasn't about me wanting to have sex with him at all and he's just being used. I've tried to explain that isn't the case at all and I find that extremely offensive but he's just saying that his feelings are valid and I am shutting him down by now acknowledging how he feels. My stance is how he feels is completely out of order and offensive to me so I shouldn't have to listen to it.

OP posts:

Sarahlou63 · 23/04/2021 08:51

My stance is how he feels is completely out of order and offensive to me so I shouldn't have to listen to it.

So your feelings are valid and his aren't?

BDSM encompasses a wide range of kinks - including sharing details. Pity you didn't agree ground rules first. Whether you can do that now depends on you both being honest and open.

gettingfedupagain · 23/04/2021 08:51

So he's offended that you are working through sexual trauma and being honest with him?! He's making this about him?!!!
No. That's really self centred of him!

Bearnecessity · 23/04/2021 08:54

Sorry you have experienced an assault, your boyfriend is right you are invalidating his feelings and shutting him down. You may be offended but other people can feel offence too as difficult as that may be to hear.

Both of you need to talk more about your boundaries and your motivations and to listen and respect each other otherwise you may find it difficult to move forward with trust imo.

Changechangychange · 23/04/2021 08:55

How long have you been together? Because I’d seriously be considering breaking up if he is making your assault all about his hurt feelings. What an arse.

Changechangychange · 23/04/2021 08:57

And it isn’t “invalidating” to object to pictures of you having sex being shared with his mates against your will/without your knowledge. Seriously, your boyfriend is a complete tosser. He is treating you like a sex toy.

Fyredraca · 23/04/2021 08:59

He sounds like a creep, as does his friend.
I would get rid personally.

Naunet · 23/04/2021 09:16

BDSM encompasses a wide range of kinks - including sharing details. Pity you didn't agree ground rules first. Whether you can do that now depends on you both being honest and open.

Err no, you don’t assume consent and then say “well, you should have told me you didn’t want Bob to know, how was I supposed to know?”
He’s broken her trust, the BDSM part is irrelevant.

YeahJackie · 23/04/2021 09:19

I say this with all the love in my heart - LTB

Angrypregnantlady · 23/04/2021 09:28

I think you both needed to communicate better. I see where he's coming from. He feels like you weren't having sex with.him because you desired him, but as a form of councelling. That you were having sex for a purpose for yourself. Kinda like when someone wants more sex while trying for a baby or trying to get labour to start or so they can get back to sleep. It's not always nice for the other person to feel like a tool.

But he also shouldn't have assumed that you'd be OK with him discussing his sex life with his friend. Although, I'm always on the fence with this because I think it's fairly normal to want to talk about sex. But you've said you're not comfortable with it so he should respect that.

Eviethyme · 23/04/2021 09:32

So he's turned it around onto you making it your fault? No one should be sharing details about there partners sex life....

Crustybreadandbutter · 23/04/2021 09:43

He was wrong to share the information without consent

He is now making it about him

I don’t think BDSM is a way to “work through” an assault, maybe a reaction to it - this is not you using him. If your relationship was consensual then whatever happened in life to bring you to this point is irrelevant

I’d be very concerned he cannot see he was wrong to overshare without permission. More concerned that his reaction to this is to start making an issue about something else.

Francescaisstressed · 23/04/2021 09:53

I don't think you are using him, and feel like he's turned your issue (him wanting to share intimate details) back you so that he doesn't have to deal with any of your arguments against him.
I'm sure he may have been slightly hurt and concerned that you were using the BDSM in that way, as its probably not something he was aware of and kept out of the loop, but that doesn't detract from his behaviour with his mate which is inexcusable.

AntiSocialDistancer · 23/04/2021 09:57

@gettingfedupagain

So he's offended that you are working through sexual trauma and being honest with him?! He's making this about him?!!! No. That's really self centred of him!

Yes I could spend no more time with this man.

You like whatever kink you like, for whatever reason. It's not ok when you set your boundaries, for him to make you feel shit about actions you took together consensually.

He's definitely trying to blur your boundaries. Yack.

Franklyfrost · 23/04/2021 10:11

First off he can’t share details of your sex life without your consent. You’re right on that.

I totally get what you’re saying about trauma and bdsm. Your partner doesn’t understand and maybe can’t understand. For him it was about the two of you being close as a couple and he’s hurt that it wasn’t just about that for you. (He is being a dick for bringing this up as a reply to you telling him to stop sharing with his friend.)

I’m a bit worried about whether that you’re exploring power/pain in a way which serves you. Maybe you need to explore that a bit?

billy1966 · 23/04/2021 10:17

@Fyredraca

He sounds like a creep, as does his friend. I would get rid personally.

He sounds like slime as does his friend.

OP, dump him.

This is really grim.

You deserve so much better.

MonkeyNotOrgangrinder · 23/04/2021 10:20

Why does he think women are usually into BDSM? Isn't it quite well known that it's often an attempt to cope with sexual trauma?

CaraherEIL · 23/04/2021 10:58

The assault was a violation your boyfriend telling a friend intimate details about your sex life is also a violation he needs to take responsibility for that. It would make me feel very distressed and maybe used if my partner said they were playing out something with me sexually that was related to a horrible trauma they had gone through.

Without explaining it beforehand it would make me feel like you were going through a cathartic experience to help with an appalling thing that happened to you and that was your focus when we were having sex. Is the behaviour trying to reenact the assault with you as the aggressor rather than the victim- or do you keep playing the submissive?
It would make me feel like a was just abit player in a quite fucked up scenario.
I think that trauma counselling would be more helpful and healthier in processing the assault than playing out a repetitive physical dominant/ submissive cycle.

username12345T · 23/04/2021 11:05

wtf?! That is such a huge betrayal and his sleazy disgusting pig friend wants pictures?!

Now he's using DARVO to slime his way of out of taking responsibility for his behaviour. Your boyfriend is dogshit OP. He's gaslighting you. He knows what he's done is wrong and is turning it around on you saying he feels 'used'.

You need to dump him.

Lumene · 23/04/2021 11:05

BDSM encompasses a wide range of kinks - including sharing details. Pity you didn't agree ground rules first

Consent means checking your partner is ok with something before you do it. The fact the OP didn’t specifically say their partner couldn’t share details beforehand is neither here nor there.

Jux · 23/04/2021 11:09

Agree with Caraher. You need trauma counselling and if you've already tried that, then you need to try again. How you're dealing with trauma is not healthy, or fair to your partner.

CokeDrinker · 23/04/2021 11:12

There are two issues here.

Your partner is telling other people the intimate details of your sex life and what you do.
Using BDSM to get over trauma (personally I would find BDSM triggering and worsens the trauma, but that just my opinion).

Forgetting about number 2, the fact is your partner is betraying you and breaching your trust by sharing intimate details of your sex life, and that is not cool, it is not on and is utterly disrespectful of you and your feelings. He needs to own that and understand, and stop using number 2 as a way to get out of acknowledging he betrayed and disrespected you. I honestly would find it hard to really trust him ever again so that would kill the relationship imo.

CokeDrinker · 23/04/2021 11:16

You could also say he is using you to big note himself and get attention from his friends, to make out like he is a stud. Telling tales to big note himself is a typical guy thing and he needs to know that it is unacceptable and disrespectful to women. And how could he ever expect intimacy again if he is going to betray your trust by spilling everything to his mates?

He has used you.

stackemhigh · 23/04/2021 11:31

Your partner is gaslighting you.

I would leave him.

sergeilavrov · 23/04/2021 12:11

This is gaslighting, with the aim of shutting you down so he can share the details. If he wanted to share graphic details, he had to get your enthusiastic, informed consent prior to doing so. Bizarre that so many previous posters think ‘oh well you didn’t say no despite not being told about it.’ It’s completely not normal to unilaterally share specific, graphic sexual details with other people.

I’d leave, this man can’t be trusted and given your history of trauma, I don’t think he will be a positive fixture in your life.

stackemhigh · 23/04/2021 12:18

@sergeilavrov it seems because OP and her partner have a BDSM relationship, people on this thread think she loses her right to agency. Very bizarre.

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