Partner says I've used him? (TW mentions sexual assault)

[Currentlywatchingshrek]

Hi, I hope I can get some perspective on an issue I'm having with my partner.
Basically for some background info I was sexually assaulted about 9 years ago. Thought I had dealt with this but recently have been thinking about it more. Also since that happened I have been into more BDSM type sex (apparently this is a normal reaction to the trauma idk) and have done this in the past with my bf though not so much the last couple of years.

So as I said recently feeling quite down as have unresolved feelings about the sexual assault. Around the same time get back into BDSM sex with my partner - all going well, we're enjoying ourselves and I feel better.

Then problems started to arise when partner starts over sharing with his friend. Basically telling him about our sex life in too much detail, friend became really intrusive asking very personal questions and for details aswell as hinting at wanting pictures. He Waldo sends graphic details of what he is doing with his wife and apparently she gets of on other people know what they are doing.

I had to sit my partner down and basically say this was really unacceptable to me. I feel really disrespected that I'm being spoken about like this and also his friends have used us in their foreplay without our consent which is super triggering to me and brings back all those negative emotions.

Talked it out and my partner basically said he didn't realise that my wanting to do bdsm style sec was related to my assault and he now feels that I have just used him to get over that and that it wasn't about me wanting to have sex with him at all and he's just being used. I've tried to explain that isn't the case at all and I find that extremely offensive but he's just saying that his feelings are valid and I am shutting him down by now acknowledging how he feels. My stance is how he feels is completely out of order and offensive to me so I shouldn't have to listen to it.

Your bf is just as entitled to his feelings and emotions as you are. Saying that you find his reaction offensive is, I think; massively controlling and hugely offensive itself.

I would advise him to end the relationship because of your controlling reaction.

I know nothing about this type of sex, but your partner is completely and utterly out of order.

@Sarahlou63

My stance is how he feels is completely out of order and offensive to me so I shouldn't have to listen to it.

So your feelings are valid and his aren't?

BDSM encompasses a wide range of kinks - including sharing details. Pity you didn't agree ground rules first. Whether you can do that now depends on you both being honest and open.

This is such a woeful misunderstanding/misrepresentation of consent that I suspect it is deliberate!

On the off chance that you genuinely don't get this, the "ground rules" with consent are that you begin by assuming that someone DOESN'T consent to any act unless they let you know otherwise. So if your partner is into BDSM, you check with them whether this includes sharing intimate details with other parties BEFORE you plan do it.

Did you specifically tell your partner at the outset that the BDSM was purely for you to work through feelings?
Did you specifically ask the partner to keep your sexual activities confidential?
You say partner shares over sharing, so you were aware he was sharing then? Why didn't you ask him to stop then? As he was presumably there as one half of a BDSM experience he absolutely has every right in the world to tell his mate about his experiences, you have no right to keep him quiet or expect him to be. Your problem here is communication, you either haven't thought or bothered to set out ground rules about wants and needs around this.

@PleaseValentina

"On the off chance that you genuinely don't get this, the "ground rules" with consent are that you begin by assuming that someone DOESN'T consent to any act unless they let you know otherwise. So if your partner is into BDSM, you check with them whether this includes sharing intimate details with other parties BEFORE you plan do it."

That's exactly what I meant by agreeing ground rules first. So we concur

You are both right

You are right to be offended about him sharing without your consent and he is right feel how he feels about this.

He shouldn't have shared

And you can't have a discussion about feelings and then discard the other persons feelings.