Partner says I've used him? (TW mentions sexual assault)

[Currentlywatchingshrek]

Hi, I hope I can get some perspective on an issue I'm having with my partner.
Basically for some background info I was sexually assaulted about 9 years ago. Thought I had dealt with this but recently have been thinking about it more. Also since that happened I have been into more BDSM type sex (apparently this is a normal reaction to the trauma idk) and have done this in the past with my bf though not so much the last couple of years.

So as I said recently feeling quite down as have unresolved feelings about the sexual assault. Around the same time get back into BDSM sex with my partner - all going well, we're enjoying ourselves and I feel better.

Then problems started to arise when partner starts over sharing with his friend. Basically telling him about our sex life in too much detail, friend became really intrusive asking very personal questions and for details aswell as hinting at wanting pictures. He Waldo sends graphic details of what he is doing with his wife and apparently she gets of on other people know what they are doing.

I had to sit my partner down and basically say this was really unacceptable to me. I feel really disrespected that I'm being spoken about like this and also his friends have used us in their foreplay without our consent which is super triggering to me and brings back all those negative emotions.

Talked it out and my partner basically said he didn't realise that my wanting to do bdsm style sec was related to my assault and he now feels that I have just used him to get over that and that it wasn't about me wanting to have sex with him at all and he's just being used. I've tried to explain that isn't the case at all and I find that extremely offensive but he's just saying that his feelings are valid and I am shutting him down by now acknowledging how he feels. My stance is how he feels is completely out of order and offensive to me so I shouldn't have to listen to it.

Sharing your sex life with friends in graphic detail should be by mutual consent.

He is going on the defensive and blaming you, when he is in the wrong. It's an abusive tactic.

Dump him, he is not the right person for you.

I'm so sorry you were sexually assaulted, have you sought counselling for it, speak to rape crises and your GP and get help if you can.

He’s conflating the two issues. BDSM should have informed consent at its heart and sharing these details without discussing it first or having your explicit agreement is not informed consent.

You are also able to have limits! Just because you like some aspect of kink doesn’t mean you like another (for example whatever you two do together vs this exhibitionist thing he’s doing sharing those details).

A related issue, but not the same issue, is the sexual assault and your feelings regarding kink with him. I do think it would have been wise to discuss that some of those unresolved feelings were coming up - if nothing else so he can be informed if the kink starts to go in a direction that is not comfortable for you. Again it’s about communication and people being informed.

I think it’s wrong he’s gone on the attack because you objected to him sharing these details. It sounds like he is trying to put it back on you by conflating the issues in this way.

@stackemhigh

Your partner is gaslighting you.

I would leave him.

.

In general it is never ok to say the other persons feelings are invalid, however you feel about them. However there is so much bullshit in what he has said, I feel his comments about feelings are there to distract from his actions. If he can make it about all that, you get sidetracked from the actual problem here.

He he does not have the right to tell other people intimate details of your sex life without your permission. He has the right to say no to any kind of sex you propose. If he says yes, he has consented so he cant then come back and gripe about why you like it. We all like different things - other people can either go along with it or say they dont like it.

As for why BDSM works - the central issue in this kind of sex is about control, so for someone who has been victimized it is a way of taking back control while expressing themselves sexually. The issue with your partner is also about control - he has taken away your control here. While being too controlling is not good, as it takes away other peoples right to decide things for themselves, it is often used to criticize women who want any kind of say in their own lives.

So, forget feelings - he gets to feel however he wants. Focus on what he did and what he is doing now - accusing you to divert away from the fact he did something shitty.

I am so sorry this happened to you.

@Babygotblueyes thank you so much that's exactly how I feel.

It's really hard because he's basically said "I sat and listened and took your feelings into account and apologised but now you aren't listening to how I am feeling" but like I've listened to how he's feeling and i just feel like it's manipulative to put the blame onto me. Like people could have any reason for whatever their kinks are, why backtrack it to the beginning? If you have two people who know what each other likes and consents to that then why does it matter?

Ugh he sounds awful - and you should judge him by the company he keeps, too. I'd get out of the relationship.

I am glad it was helpful. I would repeat to him that there are 3 issues here. How he feels (which he has the right to) and what he did (which is not ok) and what he is now saying about your motivation and intentions (also not ok). You are quite right, people have all kinds of kinks and there is not necessarily a reason for them. He seems to be saying you tricked him with false pretenses but you did nothing of the sort - you simply enjoy a kind of sex he has also seemed to enjoy. He is lashing out to distract from his part in this. Whatever else is going on in the relationship, this is a real problem - I would say even more than telling his pervy friend about what you guys do. After all, at some point you may never see those people again, and in any case are not doing anything wrong. So although it is embarassing and horrifying they know this stuff, it is nothing to be ashamed of. But his tendency to try and duck responsibility by blaming you is not a good sign at all. Sending you support.

@MonkeyNotOrgangrinder

Why does he think women are usually into BDSM? Isn't it quite well known that it's often an attempt to cope with sexual trauma?

Because BDSM is quite a common kink for both men and women.

The majority who practice it don’t have a history of sexual trauma.

He is in the wrong for oversharing with his mates and yes I would feel disrespected and violated by that but I think what you are doing is just as bad tbh. I would be horrified to think my partner was using bdsm sex with me to work through a sexual assault. That isn't right and I can see why he is upset and even offended. You didn't ask his consent to use him as a therapeutic tool.

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut

He is in the wrong for oversharing with his mates and yes I would feel disrespected and violated by that but I think what you are doing is just as bad tbh. I would be horrified to think my partner was using bdsm sex with me to work through a sexual assault. That isn't right and I can see why he is upset and even offended. You didn't ask his consent to use him as a therapeutic tool.

I agree with this. Both of you are wrong here. I’d be absolutely horrified to think that what I thought of as fun sex with a partner was actually a way for them to process past sexual trauma. You need to access counselling for that, not have sex with someone who is being unknowingly used to help you process trauma.

But in no way do your actions negate his- both of you are at fault IMO.

dump him

He sounds like a fucking shitweasel

He’s twisting and manipulating things so he’s not the bad guy

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut

He is in the wrong for oversharing with his mates and yes I would feel disrespected and violated by that but I think what you are doing is just as bad tbh. I would be horrified to think my partner was using bdsm sex with me to work through a sexual assault. That isn't right and I can see why he is upset and even offended. You didn't ask his consent to use him as a therapeutic tool.

he could've said no FFS!

He's saying it to get himself off the hook and divert the issue.

No fucking way is the mates girlfriend into that, it's another poor excuse for the men to overshare and excuse it.

Without doubt your bloke is as bad as his friend and playing his part down.

And sorry to stick the knife in but he's hardly a poor passive recipient of his mates stories, he likes to hear about him and his girlfriend

Am I misunderstanding? Him and his mate are telling each other about what they do to their respective partners to get off? Eh?
Why are they talking this way to each other?

@An0n0n0n

He's saying it to get himself off the hook and divert the issue.

No fucking way is the mates girlfriend into that, it's another poor excuse for the men to overshare and excuse it.

Without doubt your bloke is as bad as his friend and playing his part down.

Many women (and men) get off on others knowing what they do sexually. It’s not that uncommon.

Err no, you don’t assume consent and then say “well, you should have told me you didn’t want Bob to know, how was I supposed to know?”
He’s broken her trust, the BDSM part is irrelevant.

Well said.

Your boyfriend has behaved appallingly, as has his friend. I would be surprised if the friend's wife has any idea her husband is sending photos of her around to his mates, let getting off on it.

But he has a little bit of a point about you using sex with him to work through your past trauma without telling him. It's maybe not uncommon for women who have been sexually assaulted to try out BDSM sex, but I don't think it's often a good idea until they've processed the trauma and learned to deal with it - as I always understood it, part of "safe, sane, consensual" refers to not using BDSM as therapy, for similar reasons that sleeping with your therapist is a bad idea.

Personally, I'd be pretty horrified to find out that, during what I'd thought was good sex, my partner was thinking about a sexual assault. I wouldn't agree to have sex in these circumstances if it were all spelled out in advance and would feel pretty grim if I found out later that's what was happening. Not to mention the risk that your boyfriend will inadvertently retraumatise you because he doesn't know what's going through your head.

I would suggest you see a therapist with particular experience in dealing with women who've been assaulted, and work out what to do with your relationship separately. There's nothing wrong or shameful in enjoying BDSM, but it's not supposed to be therapy. Your boyfriend needs to do a lot of reading around the concept of consent and stop talking to his friends about your sex life - it's none of their business and it is clearly something you're not comfortable with. (Entirely reasonably!) If he can't do that, or doesn't see why he should, I'd be reconsidering whether this is a relationship I wanted to be in, in these circumstances.

Just surprised that so many people think OP is processing her sexual assault during the sex. It could be a way to be sexual with limits and controls, in a way very different from her sexual assault.

He's a self centred twat, this is about him.

&he could've said no

Except he couldn't, could he, since he didn't know.

Interesting to hear a woman use that phrase. It's normally said by men to excuse their pushing of sexual boundaries.

He thought he was having fun sex with his girlfriend. Not helping her reenact and work through her experience of sexual assault.

I'm not saying he isn't wrong, his behaviour is absolutely deplorable but what the OP is doing is in no way ok.

To be clear, I was saying the boyfriend should absolutely not have shared details without OP’s consent. I meant that just because OP hadn’t said it wasn’t ok didn’t therefore mean it was.

So I don't personally see it as having sex as a type of therapy. It's just a sexual preference I have had since the assault. Obviously I can see it's linked and have done some research into why that is but I'm not re-enacting my assault with my partner - we do completely different things. Also I'm never thinking about the assault when having sex with him, I'm just enjoying being with him. When I was feeling low again I wasn't thinking, oh better have this kind of sex again to get past this feeling. It was just like oh I fancy trying this again, let's see if partner is into it and we were enjoying ourselves and being more adventurous and having sex more often which improved my mood. Hope that makes sense