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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH still seeing ex

61 replies

Avobeans · 21/04/2021 21:39

DH and I have been together 3 years, married 2 and have DD. I am nearly 10 years older than DH and we have a few different interests due to age gap. I'm struggling to understand why he is still close friends with his ex, they talk via text all the time. I know it's bad but I have read through his phone so know they talk at least once a week, it all seems very platonic. She is in a relationship with someone else, seems very happy, (i have stalked her on SM) I know this sounds terrible!

Before covid DH and ex used to go to a lot of social events together as they share a few of the same hobbies I dont. He used to tell me when he had made plans to meet her (and often others as part of a group) and I was always uncomfortable with it but didn't want to seem the controlling type so never said anything. She's obviously younger than me so i already feel quite insecure due to that and i think she is more attractive than me from seeing pictures. I've never met her, we have never been in a situation where we could be introduced.

Now that the lockdown restrictions are easing DH and ex look like they are planning to go for drinks soon. He hasn't mentioned this to me yet but I've read texts. I am absolutely dreading it and don't want to go back to feeling insecure again when he's out.

Just to add he has no children with ex and they weren't together long (possibly a matter of months?)

I dont want to seem like controlling wife but AIBU to ask him not to see her any more??

OP posts:

ghostyslovesheets · 21/04/2021 21:44

yes YABU - sorry - she's his friend - you can tell him how you feel - ask for reassurance etc but he's doing nothing wrong - he's not lying or hiding things - it's your insecurity that's causing it

I'm friends with a few of my ex's - because I like them as people - wouldn;t go back to being a couple with any of them if that helps

Feelingconfused2020 · 21/04/2021 21:46

He's always been friends with her. You would be massively unreasonable to demand he doesn't see her because she is prettier/younger. .

Checking his phone and stalking exes on social media is not normal and is concerning behaviour. You will push him away if you act this possessive.

Perhaps you should get some help for your anxiety/low self esteem.

Percypigg · 21/04/2021 21:48

I think that would be very unreasonable. You can't ask him not to see her. You've said that it's platonic, they see each other because they share the same interests.

I'd be more concerned about your own feelings/looking at his phone/stalking her. It's very unhealthy.

The issue isn't them meeting up, it's your insecurities because she's younger etc. I think you need to communicate with him and stop looking at his phone. He's done nothing wrong.

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 21/04/2021 21:49

Yes YABU. Especially for going through his phone. It clearly bothers you so could you talk to him about it?

HollowTalk · 21/04/2021 21:52

She's not just a friend, though, is she? She's his ex girlfriend. I don't know many people who'd be happy with that. I would hate it.

Bizawit · 21/04/2021 21:52

I voted YABU simply because you are clearly regularly reading through his phone without his knowledge! That’s not ok OP. It’s controlling behaviour. If you feel concerned, talk to him.

CattingTime · 21/04/2021 21:53

My DH and his ex go for a curry every couple of months. He's completely open with me and never tried to hide it. It's fine with me, she's always nice to me and asks after me.

ginoclocksomewhere · 21/04/2021 21:54

I'd be worried if he stopped telling you. But if you open up this conversation with him, that's exactly what might happen.

He respects you enough to tell you, respect him enough to trust him.

ChristmasSexyTime · 21/04/2021 21:55

Going against the grain here, I think it's disrespectful to stay pally with exes, unless they were insignificant to you romantically.

I wouldn't put my partner in the position of being this uncomfortable and I wouldn't expect it in return.

So for my money, YANBU.

Bluntness100 · 21/04/2021 21:57

Oh cmon op you cannot think it’s ok to control like this. You didn’t need to ask really, did you?

ShutUpAlex · 21/04/2021 21:57

I’m best friends with one of my exes! And now so is my fiancé since I introduced them.

getyourfreakon · 21/04/2021 22:04

You married him after a year of being together or have I misread?

Conkergame · 21/04/2021 22:10

Op I don’t think YABU. If my DH said he wanted to meet up with his ex I’d tell him that would make me very uncomfortable and I’d rather he didn’t. He’d do the same with me.

The difficulty you have is that you’ve let it go on for a while. However it’s important to be honest in a relationship so maybe just say to him that you’ve let it go on for a while as you don’t want to control who he sees but the truth is you’re not comfortable with it and would rather he stop. Totally fair in my opinion. Nobody in my friendship groups sees their exes and everyone would be very if they did.

ChristmasAlone · 21/04/2021 22:17

I am very good friends with an ex DP has met them and gets on okay with them. Messages them occasionally and has been drinks with out me. DP best friend here is opposite sex, quite a bit older and helped loads when they first moved here one of the first people they met here. Have zero problems with it. Regularly stays there overnight.

I'd be extremely pissed off if OH read my messages, I'd be even more annoyed if they tried to dictate who I could be friends with.

Some times people are friends with exes or good friends with people of the opposite sex.

I'd be fairly happy to know my DP was mature enough to get on with an ex so if I did have a child and things went sour we could potentially have a decent relationship moving.

sassbott · 21/04/2021 22:24

YABVU checking his phone and it’s also really odd that you’re looking at her SM.

That being said I do think it’s odd if he’s staying in touch with his ex completely separate from you.
If she’s such a good friend of his, why have you not met one another?
Or gone out as a foursome if she’s in a relationship?

I don’t think it’s anyone’s place to say who they can and can’t be friends with (I wouldn’t like that). And I’d hit the roof if I thought a partner was looking at my messages behind my back.

That being said, if I was still friends with an ex? I would (out of courtesy) absolutely introduce my existing partner to my ex. And I would be very open about when I was seeing that person etc.

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 21/04/2021 22:25

I wouldn’t be happy about this either. I wouldn’t trawl through DH’s phone but there’s no way I’d be happy about him being in constant contact with an ex. I think it’s pretty disrespectful tbh. Once you split you should move on.

Croleeen · 21/04/2021 22:27

I had the same thing with my ex - he wanted to carry on meeting up with a much younger ex girlfriend. I was fine with it for a while, as he kept in touch with a few other ex's, one I had met. But when I asked if next time they met up for a drink I could come along, he went ballistic and we ended up splitting up. I think it's fine if it wouldn't be weird you being there - if it's contingent on it being just the two of them, that's not really 'just friends', is it? YANBU

BurbageBrook · 21/04/2021 22:34

For me it’s a boundary. I wouldn’t be happy with it, and I’ve told my DP I’m not cool with him being friends with his ex. He was fine with it and deleted her number. If they’ve got no kids together then it’s not necessary. Like a PP I find it disrespectful to my current partner to stay mates with someone I once was romantically intimate with. Drinks on their own is completely ridiculous. He has a child with you for God’s sake.

Rosewood017 · 21/04/2021 22:39

YANBU in my opinion to feel this way.

I would find it difficult if my husband wanted to spend precious time with a woman he has been intimate with and who possibly broke his heart at some point. That's a perfectly normal feeling surely.

If he was insistent I agree with above poster that I would need to know that I am welcome to join them too. Not that I would necessarily attend.

On the other hand, the only ex of mine that I would want to hang out with is the one I was never really attracted to, but wanted it to work because he was such a decent man.

Do speak to him about how you're feeling. If nothing else, maybe he can help you understand why he wants to maintain contact. More often than not it's pure politeness and the meet-ups never come to fruition!

firsttimeoptimist · 21/04/2021 22:53

If you are worried, why dont you ask to meet her? She is almost certainly more of a threat in your imagination. Talk to your DP but dont ban him from seeing her, as you mentioned they were together a matter of months (if that) and he has chosen a life WITH YOU!
You need to get a grip on your insecurities as this woman is not the problem. Will you be worried next because your partner has an attractive colleague?
My husband and I are both friends with ex partners and even some of their extended families. I trust him and he trusts me because quite frankly life would be too stressful otherwise.

Sittingonabench · 21/04/2021 22:54

I agree with op that it’s about your insecurities and that addressing them is the way forward. Maybe you could ask to come meet her and have drinks to get to know her. Maybe you and your DH need to find a hobby you can do together as well so you feel like you connect on that level? I think it’s good for spouses to have aspects of their lives that aren’t about their partner but you can address your insecuroties around this one thing together.

Pebbledashery · 21/04/2021 22:58

If he's not lied, not cheated, been completely honest with you and he has always been friends with her, then yes you are being very unreasonable. He's married to you.. That should say it all. I do understand you're feeling insecure but from what you have posted he seems nothing but honest. I think you risk pushing him away if you give him an ultimatum. Just trust him.

ItsNotLoveActually · 21/04/2021 23:24

I wouldn't like it either. It's a lot different to an old friend who happens to be female. In this case they were intimate and had feelings for each other at one point. I'd bet he'd feel uncomfortable if you told him you were going to met an ex for drinks. You need to talk to him and explain how you feel and see how he reacts.

seensome · 21/04/2021 23:26

I wouldn't like this, they are ex's with no children, I think he is still emotionally attached even if there isn't anything physical as far as you know.

ceilingsand · 21/04/2021 23:28

Agree he's emotionally attached abs it's not appropriate in a marriage.

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