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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH still seeing ex

61 replies

Avobeans · 21/04/2021 21:39

DH and I have been together 3 years, married 2 and have DD. I am nearly 10 years older than DH and we have a few different interests due to age gap. I'm struggling to understand why he is still close friends with his ex, they talk via text all the time. I know it's bad but I have read through his phone so know they talk at least once a week, it all seems very platonic. She is in a relationship with someone else, seems very happy, (i have stalked her on SM) I know this sounds terrible!

Before covid DH and ex used to go to a lot of social events together as they share a few of the same hobbies I dont. He used to tell me when he had made plans to meet her (and often others as part of a group) and I was always uncomfortable with it but didn't want to seem the controlling type so never said anything. She's obviously younger than me so i already feel quite insecure due to that and i think she is more attractive than me from seeing pictures. I've never met her, we have never been in a situation where we could be introduced.

Now that the lockdown restrictions are easing DH and ex look like they are planning to go for drinks soon. He hasn't mentioned this to me yet but I've read texts. I am absolutely dreading it and don't want to go back to feeling insecure again when he's out.

Just to add he has no children with ex and they weren't together long (possibly a matter of months?)

I dont want to seem like controlling wife but AIBU to ask him not to see her any more??

OP posts:
Trixie78 · 21/04/2021 23:32

YANBU she isn't just a friend though is she, she's an ex. I wouldn't like this level of contact tbh.

Feelingconfused2020 · 22/04/2021 00:26

When I first met my DH I was still very good friends with an ex. My ex had a girlfriend and we met up with them a few times as couples. We also had them round for dinner. As he was a very close friend from uni who I had lived with (as a housemate not partner) I also used to meet him occasionally on my own. I can honestly say that I didn't see him like that anymore and we'd been friends longer than we were ever together.

As it happened they moved away and we have lost touch now. I don't know what would have happened otherwise but I don't think DH suddenly announcing I wasn't allowed to be friends with him anymore would have helped in any way. What I suspect would have happened would have been that I would have met up with him and just not told DH and it was have caused a rift. I would never have taken kindly to that level of control.

Your time to object was when you were first together and even then you'd have been unreasonable. Now you would look a bit crazed to be honest.

DianaT1969 · 22/04/2021 01:25

If I had a partner who looked through my phone I would leave him.
He married you. How did that come about? His decision? Or were you pregnant and both agreed that marriage made sense?

Suzi888 · 22/04/2021 01:54

ConfusedYANBU
Why did they split? What does her partner think?
It’d be a no from me!

“If I had a partner who looked through my phone I would leave him.” Doesn’t bother me, DH and I have shared a phone at times due to loss or breakage of our own phones. What is everyone hiding ...Hmm

JustLyra · 22/04/2021 02:00

If my DH went through my phone regularly without me knowing I’d be furious. We use each other’s phones so it’s not that I have anything to hide, but sneakily checking his phone without his knowledge isn’t on.

Also if they’ve been friends a very long time, but only were together a very short time then they could easily just be mates who got together briefly but realised they are actually just friends.?

You need to talk to him. Stalking round behind his back is simply going to exacerbate your concerns and insecurity, not help it

cathcath2 · 22/04/2021 02:10

I know someone who is still friends with an ex over 40 YEARS after they broke up (his wife is also friends with her). Ask whether you can meet her.

MixedUpFiles · 22/04/2021 02:17

In theory I would say that there is no reason he can’t be friends with his ex. As long as there are no secrets and it’s not awkward when you socialize as a larger group, then everything is fine.

In practice, I have been happily married to my 2nd DH for many, many years now. He was my ex boyfriend during my 1st marriage. Even came to our wedding. We did not have an affair, but when my marriage failed and we were both single at the same time, there was no question that we would be spending the rest of our lives together.

BoomBoomsCousin · 22/04/2021 02:22

“If I had a partner who looked through my phone I would leave him.” Doesn’t bother me, DH and I have shared a phone at times due to loss or breakage of our own phones. What is everyone hiding ...”

I’m hiding conversations with friends where I work through my feelings about my marriage and some of my tastes in erotica - which I’d be embarrassed for anyone to find. I don’t know that I’d leave my DH if he looked through my phone in order to spy on me, but I might. I would certainly consider it a huge betrayal.

Coyoacan · 22/04/2021 03:05

That is why I never would have gone for a younger man as I am too insecure. But you know what, I have a couple friends whose husbands are significantly younger than them and they are still together thirty years on. One friend in particular never was pretty, even when she was young, but is a lovely and very intelligent woman. Her husband has good taste.

starrynight21 · 22/04/2021 03:13

I'm with you. I don't think it's appropriate. You and he are married, and you have a very young child . And he is spending time when he could be with you and DD, out drinking with his ex. It's a YANBU from me.

Onesailwait · 22/04/2021 03:13

Sounds like maybe they dated for a short while & decided they were better off as friends?. I would be ok with that if he continues to be open about it. You should mention it to him but be prepared for him to be a bit pissed off that you look through his phone regularly.

SandyY2K · 22/04/2021 04:16

I wouldn't like this personally. Would you be okay if you did the same with an Ex?

Years ago DH was still friendly with an Ex and I didn't like it. He claimed he didn't think it was a problem.

I told him that's fine, but I would get in touch with my ex BFs too if he didn't think it was an issue. I'd previously kept them at a distance when.a couple of them reached out to me, as I didn't think it was appropriate.

He wasn't happy about it and said. it's different. I said if you can do it, I will too and I was absolutely serious.

BlueDahlia69 · 22/04/2021 04:57

Screw that OP if he enjoys his ex's company that much let him go.

Find yourself someone who shares hobbies and interests with you.

Original poster
Avobeans · 22/04/2021 09:45

Its almost 50/50 on the opinions here. Thank you all for your replies. I realise I need to just trust him as he has never given me any reason not to. I am feeling very insecure at the moment but at the end of the day he did marry me. I think if he informs me that he's meeting up with her again then I will explain my feelings about it. After reading through all the messages again last night it seems as though she is just being polite in replying as he seems to initiate the chats almost every time.
I am probably reading too much into it all and should stop snooping I feel terrible in doing that but it was the only thing to put my mind at ease

OP posts:
Opal93 · 22/04/2021 09:59

Yanbu. Some people, no matter how hard they try to be the cool accepting laid back partner will never be ok with their man spending a large amount of time with another woman. My husband when we were dating had a female friend who openly admitted she had feelings for him but he didn’t reciprocate. She admitted it so it’s not like it was in my head, and no matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t be ok with them spending time together and gave him an ultimatum. I was very young and a lot brattier then so I probably wouldn’t do that now, but it would still annoy me.

BlueDahlia69 · 22/04/2021 13:39

You don't have to accept bollocks in life OP.

If something is making you feel this way, its because your instincts are telling you this is not working for you.

This isn't doing you good, you must see this. 🌸

Angrypregnantlady · 22/04/2021 13:43

YABVU despite reading his texts constantly you've never seen anything to suggest they could be any more than friends. You're behaving really possessively and I'd feel uncomfortable if I was him.

JorisBonson · 22/04/2021 13:45

My parents were together for 20 years and have been divorced for almost as long. They're still the best of friends, often go to the pub / parties together and we all spend Christmas together. It is entirely platonic.

Just because they didn't make it as a couple doesn't mean they have to throw away true friendship.

opinionminion · 22/04/2021 14:16

I think the fact you are able to actually read the messages (even though you shouldn't be snooping) shows that he has nothing to hide, otherwise they would be deleted anyway/or filed under Joe Bloggs or phone password changed to refuse you access iykwim.

Chisandbiscuits · 22/04/2021 14:37

I've never felt the need to be a cool girl type wife. There are bazillions of people in the world to be friends with without any emotional baggage so I'd find it weird and inappropriate to want to be close to ex partners. When you get married you expect to leave some things behind to some degree, ex partners being one of them. These are people you've been sexually and emotionally close to at one time even though you aren't anymore so they are not 'just friends' and never really will be. I'm civil to all mine but I wouldn't want to be close to them and would think it disrespectful to my DH if I was - even though he's the least jealous person you could find. My DH is the same, we aren't controlling but we never push boundaries with each other in that way either as we are mutually respectful.

I know there'll probably be loads of posts now from people saying they regularly spend time with the ex, that they, their DH and their ex are all friends now or that they go away with their ex and sleep in the same bed but it means nothing and nothing ever happens. To me this is playing with fire and crosses the line.

BlueDahlia69 · 22/04/2021 15:03

My parents were together for 20 years and have been divorced for almost as long. They're still the best of friends, often go to the pub / parties together and we all spend Christmas together. It is entirely platonic.

they had a family together, children, that is completely different to what OP is describing.

I think its wonderful your parents remained good friends, particularly for you, its rare. 🌸

dreamingbohemian · 22/04/2021 15:10

Is there any reason why you wouldn't trust your DH?

You settled down relatively quickly after getting together, do you think that might be making you feel a bit insecure? It might just fade with time.

Dogfan · 22/04/2021 15:21

I don't think it's good that you are so worried about the relationship so obviously you feel there is a problem. I would suggest that you ask to meet her and go out together. If they are just friends that shouldn't be a problem for them and if she is going to be in your husband's life long term it seems like a good idea to get to know her. You should also think about why you are worried. Is your gut telling you there is something wrong (in which case listen to it) or is this your own insecurity coming out. If the latter you should maybe consider how you can deal with your own issues so you are no longer worried and no longer snooping on your husband. Therapy or online resources would be s good start.

PurBal · 22/04/2021 15:24

I'm still friends with a few exes (primarily professionally). DH hard line was that they weren't invited to our wedding but he doesn't stop me chatting to them... thats life.

seensome · 22/04/2021 15:31

My parents were together for 20 years and have been divorced for almost as long. They're still the best of friends, often go to the pub / parties together and we all spend Christmas together. It is entirely platonic.
*
Just because they didn't make it as a couple doesn't mean they have to throw away true friendship.*

This is a bit different though, op husband and ex only together a few months with no family involved, so was likely a short sexual fling. Maybe some are cool with the friendship but personally I wouldn't of even married him knowing that.