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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH still seeing ex

61 replies

Avobeans · 21/04/2021 21:39

DH and I have been together 3 years, married 2 and have DD. I am nearly 10 years older than DH and we have a few different interests due to age gap. I'm struggling to understand why he is still close friends with his ex, they talk via text all the time. I know it's bad but I have read through his phone so know they talk at least once a week, it all seems very platonic. She is in a relationship with someone else, seems very happy, (i have stalked her on SM) I know this sounds terrible!

Before covid DH and ex used to go to a lot of social events together as they share a few of the same hobbies I dont. He used to tell me when he had made plans to meet her (and often others as part of a group) and I was always uncomfortable with it but didn't want to seem the controlling type so never said anything. She's obviously younger than me so i already feel quite insecure due to that and i think she is more attractive than me from seeing pictures. I've never met her, we have never been in a situation where we could be introduced.

Now that the lockdown restrictions are easing DH and ex look like they are planning to go for drinks soon. He hasn't mentioned this to me yet but I've read texts. I am absolutely dreading it and don't want to go back to feeling insecure again when he's out.

Just to add he has no children with ex and they weren't together long (possibly a matter of months?)

I dont want to seem like controlling wife but AIBU to ask him not to see her any more??

OP posts:

Alsohuman · 22/04/2021 15:39

My ex is a good friend of both of us. Our marriage ended amicably because we should only have ever been friends in the first place. Relationships end because the two people involved don’t want to be together any more and it’s very rare for a former partner to present any kind of threat.

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN · 22/04/2021 15:45

It doesn't matter whether you meet her or not. If they're going to be involved sexually they'll do it whether you've met her or not

It sounds like he's the one instigating contact & like she wouldn't bother if he didn't. I'd wonder why he does in that case?? That's more chasing than friendship.

Seems a bit odd that she's the first (or at least one of the first few) he wants to meet up with as lockdown eases. On the other hand I suppose it's a good thing they haven't been meeting up during lock down

I think I'd probably wait until he says he's going fit a drink with her then say something like 'oh I didn't realise you'd stayed in touch over lockdown? You've been 'friends' after breaking up longer than you were together. Do you feel like she's the one that got away?!

Shrivelled · 22/04/2021 15:46

Would I allow my husband to privately message and meet up with someone who he both really likes and fancied enough to date for a period of time?! Would I fuck. It’s not about who he is or isn’t friends with, it’s about noticing when he’s doing someone inappropriate and putting your needs first. Marriage takes commitment and work and that includes backing away from inappropriate relationships. My ex used socialise with his ex, nothing ever happened but the fact he did it was a massive red flag for how he put his needs well ahead of mine.

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN · 22/04/2021 15:47

@Alsohuman

Except it's not often BOTH that didn't want to be together. It's not very rare for post separation flings, not rare at all.

Dogfan · 22/04/2021 15:53

"Relationships end because the two people involved don’t want to be together any more and it’s very rare for a former partner to present any kind of threat."

I don't think this is true at all. Usually one person ends it and it is definitely not unheard of for exes to get back together. I'm not saying that is the situation here but if OP is worried she may have a reason to be (or she may not). From OP's recent comments it sounds as though he is the one keeping the relationship going so maybe there is something he is looking for from the ex, perhaps just an ego boost, but I would be wanting to build a relationship with this person if she is in my husband's life and I think it's a bit odd you wouldn't want such a good friend to meet your wife! Maybe there is nothing to hide but I would feel better if I met this person and was invited along sometimes.

SparkyLauz · 23/04/2021 07:27

If he hasn't given you any reason not to trust him then why are you snoop long through his phone?! You need to combat your own insecurities. And if he is planning to meet this ex again makesure you speak up if you're uncomfortable about it. You can't stop him from seeing her but you can explain how it makes you feel and then let him decide how he will handle it going forward. I think if you did meet her you would probably feel more uncomfortable especially if you think she is more attractive than you

SparkyLauz · 23/04/2021 07:27

**snooping

Elai1978 · 23/04/2021 07:57

Agree he's emotionally attached abs it's not appropriate in a marriage.

Surely there’s a difference between an emotional attachment and a romantic one? I’m very close to an ex, consider her family. I certainly don’t fancy her or want to get back with her, not in a million years.

greenlynx · 23/04/2021 08:49

I wouldn’t like it either OP. I completely agree with Chisandbiscuits that friendship with exes is playing with fire. I didn’t like it before and I wouldn’t like it now after 25 years of marriage. DH knew my views from the very beginning. I didn’t mislead him. It’s like smoking for me, other people do this but it doesn’t mean that it’s ok in my books.
I don’t like the bit that it’s your DH who is initiating conversations. It’s like he’s bored or still interested in this person.

Ijustknowitstimetogo · 23/04/2021 08:59

I’m not sure I’d tell him you’ve been going through his phone (or does he know?) but I’d be tempted to just ask him once if he still fancies her.

Celebrityskin88 · 23/04/2021 09:07

You are entitled to not like your partner seeing his ex. We are allowed to have our own likes and dislikes and it's totally your right to not want him to see exes.
Indeed you can't stop him doing so, and it may well just be innocent but you're not unreasonable to want a partner who doesn't see and message his exes.

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