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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told DP I wouldn’t fight for him?

57 replies

OnlyInYourDreams · 21/04/2021 09:01

Hypothetical conversation the other day about if either of us met someone else. It started around one of DP’s colleagues who it transpired is having an affair.

Anyway the conversation came around to us and he said that if I ever met someone he would obviously fight for the relationship, and I replied that I absolutely wouldn’t. His response was “so you wouldn’t fight for me?” To which I said “no. If you met someone else then I’d wish you luck and send you on your merry way.”

He seemed surprised. Grin

OP posts:
Waxonwaxoff0 · 21/04/2021 09:02

YANBU. I wouldn't either!

pepsicolagirl · 21/04/2021 09:03

I agree! If my OH makes the decision that we are over by beginning another relationship then it is time to move on. Simple as that

Warrickdaviesasplates · 21/04/2021 09:04

YANBU. Why would you fight for someone who is moving onto someone else?

Theunamedcat · 21/04/2021 09:05

Standard advice on here never EVER do the pick me dance

WetWeekends · 21/04/2021 09:05

Why would he want to demean himself by in effect begging you to stay. Also who wants to be with someone who doesn’t really want to be with them?

dandylionsmell · 21/04/2021 09:05

Nope, fuck that. I feel like I could work past a lot of fuck ups but going off with someone else is just not worth fighting for IMO.

VienneseWhirligig · 21/04/2021 09:05

DH used to say that to me. I hadn't really given it much thought but he was horrified when I suggested I could probably forgive a one off. He told me I was worth more than that and we should both refuse to accept anything but total fidelity. It was quite refreshing after my sexually incontinent ex.

movintothecountry · 21/04/2021 09:08

I think this is possibly something that men are taught through films, books etc. The whole fight for your woman thing is a popular trope.

Most women I know would either quietly forgive a dh if he was repentant and they wanted to make it work, or they would leave. Im not sure any of my female friends would fight over a man, it seems somehow very old fashioned and like it would be very humiliating?

ItsAllAboutTheParsley · 21/04/2021 09:08

YANBU. It’s for the one who’s strayed to ‘fight for the relationship’ if they want to keep you. I would be singing ‘so long, farewell’ as I slung his stuff out the window.

Whatafustercluck · 21/04/2021 09:12

No way. Who wants to play second fiddle to someone else? Once the trust has gone, it's gone. And if you really loved someone you simply wouldn't be tempted. Dh and I had this discussion the other day and both said that while we've had silly TV/ celeb crushes, neither one of us has been interested in anyone else romantically in almost 20 years.

Eviethyme · 21/04/2021 09:17

Me and my husband both the same, we agree that why would we want someone who chose someone else? Like you can't be that in love if you have wandering eyes

rainbowthoughts · 21/04/2021 09:17

He has the wrong idea about who need to 'fight' for a relationship. If he strayed, it would be him that needed to fight, not the other way round.

Out of interest, did he engineer the conversation towards his workmates affair?

pointythings · 21/04/2021 09:27

YANBU - I had this discussion with my mum years ago. She said if my dad ever strayed she would fight to get him back. I told her if my DH ever strayed, I'd serve him his bollocks on a silver plate. If someone chooses to cheat, just let them leave - you're better off without them.

Sosigsandwich · 21/04/2021 09:30

100% with you. I made it very clear to my husband that I would walk away without hesitation. I wouldn't spend the rest of my life waiting for it to happen again.

Shoxfordian · 21/04/2021 09:31

I completely agree
If he finds someone better than me then he’s welcome to her

Original poster
OnlyInYourDreams · 21/04/2021 09:33

Out of interest, did he engineer the conversation towards his workmates affair? it just came up in discussion about what’s happening at work. The team is split into two because of COVID and two of the other half of the team are apparently having an affair and they’ve become office gossip now as one of them has seen fit to tell one of the members of DP’s half of the team about it.

It’s made worse by the fact that the bloke’s wife is pregnant and he made a big announcement on the team WhatsApp’ group about it before all of this came out.

I’m intrigued to know why some have voted YABU.

OP posts:
Cam2020 · 21/04/2021 09:37

I would no way be fighting for a man, who had shown so littke regard for me either! Fighting for a relationship should happen before an affair, not after.

LeaveMyDamnJam · 21/04/2021 09:38

@Shoxfordian if he finds someone who is willing to start a relationship with a married person, they aren’t better than you 😉

Starlight39 · 21/04/2021 09:40

Definitely wouldn't fight for a relationship where an affair was ongoing (and I didn't when it happened, which I think surprised my ex!). My view was that he wasn't the man I thought and our relationship wasn't the one I thought (and tbh, there was nothing left it by the time he had been a dick for 18 months while the affair was ongoing!) - there was nothing to fight for.

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 21/04/2021 09:40

YANBU. If they’ve met someone else, they already have one foot out of the door so there’s nothing to fight for really. They may as well place both feet firmly outside the door and have it slammed in their face Grin.

Rewis · 21/04/2021 09:47

Have an adult discussion about how we wish to move forward? Yes. To fight for the relationship where the other has met someone else? Fuck no. He needs to fight for me not to leave him after his affair.

Doilooklikeatourist · 21/04/2021 09:49

No , as said up thread he would need to fight to keep me if he had an affair
I would just say if you think you’ve found someone better than me , carry on ( and close the door on the way out with your bags )

M0rT · 21/04/2021 09:56

I'm far too much of a grudge holder to forgive an affair.
My DH knows he wouldn't have a face to face conversation with me ever again where I to find something like that out. I think he would be the same.
I think a lot of the old movie tropes about fighting for a man etc where also set in a time when extra marital sex was not the norm.
So in old movies where the heroines boyfriend starts going out with someone else and she does herself up to get him back.
There is a presumption that no-one is having sex or living with or having children etc with anyone pre marriage.
Makes the fights and reconciliations much more understandable.

user1493413286 · 21/04/2021 10:00

I wouldn’t fight for someone if they were having an affair! I would fight for my relationship if we hit a tough patch but the idea of fighting for someone who has cheated makes me squirm a bit! I would I expect them to come crawling back rather than me have to fight for them and the answer would still be no. To cheat on someone when they’re pregnant with your child is particularly horrific.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 21/04/2021 10:01

I've said this to DP. Honestly , I haven't said this bit to him because it seems mean, I've already had a marriage end and j came out the other side so I know I can pick myself back up.

I'm quite direct and some would say bolshy so I think DP thinks I'd be loud in my anger. I actually wouldn't, the second someone cheats they are no longer the person I thought they were so I would calmly walk away. No pick me dance. Just a wave and wish them on their way.

I've been in a related (some key differences but related )situation and it simply killed my feelings stone dead so it was not even a consideration I would fight because I didn't want them anymore.

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