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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have told DP I wouldn’t fight for him?

57 replies

OnlyInYourDreams · 21/04/2021 09:01

Hypothetical conversation the other day about if either of us met someone else. It started around one of DP’s colleagues who it transpired is having an affair.

Anyway the conversation came around to us and he said that if I ever met someone he would obviously fight for the relationship, and I replied that I absolutely wouldn’t. His response was “so you wouldn’t fight for me?” To which I said “no. If you met someone else then I’d wish you luck and send you on your merry way.”

He seemed surprised. Grin

OP posts:
notacooldad · 21/04/2021 10:01

This is interesting it is exactly my view as qellbut I've been with Dh for over 30 years and although we have had our dramas other people have never been an issue.
However I work with teenagers and it is unbelievable the number of girls that have nasty physical fights over boys. There have been several cases over the last year where girls have been hospitalised, police have been involved etc.Also there has been a big increase in abusive teen Relationships. Even though they are still school kids we refer to it as DV. I am spending my sessions doing work around self esteem and self worth as well as how to recognise different types of abuse. It is shocking. Ive list ckunt the number of times Ive asked 'why do you want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you ?' only for them to look at me as if I have two heads!

cushioncovers · 21/04/2021 10:03

I agree with you op I wouldn't fight beg for them to stay for them either.

dworky · 21/04/2021 10:13

I wouldn't fight for anyone, it shouldn't be necessary.

Amdone123 · 21/04/2021 10:13

I agree. I wouldn't fight either. God no, I have pride. I've always said this to my OH and friends that if someone doesn't want to be with me, why would I force them ?
I'm in my early 50s now, but even as a child I was always fascinated by the women who, on having found out their husbands were having an affair, would attack ( verbally, sometimes physically) the woman and then waltz off into the sunset with their man. Never understood it then, still don't.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 21/04/2021 10:23

I absolutely would not. It's never been tested thank God but I am a very black and white kinda person. I also think that once trust is gone its impossible to restore.
I've also witnessed several women who have supposedly forgiven and moved on who spend years driving themselves mad by questioning everything.

Sunshineandflipflops · 21/04/2021 10:36

You shouldn't have to fight for anyone. I didn't fight for my ex h when he had an affair. I figured at that point he or our marriage wasn't worth fighting for as I was so easy to let go.

longwayoff · 21/04/2021 10:45

Fight for someone who's already made his choice? As ifGrin pointless and embarassing.

Echobelly · 21/04/2021 10:55

I guess there is a societal expectation that man fights to get back his woman, as its supposed to be an insult to his manliness that she's gone elsewhere

Chatterbox89 · 21/04/2021 11:01

@ItsAllAboutTheParsley

YANBU. It’s for the one who’s strayed to ‘fight for the relationship’ if they want to keep you. I would be singing ‘so long, farewell’ as I slung his stuff out the window.
This made me laugh so hard, what a great image 😂
Mumoblue · 21/04/2021 11:05

Yeah I’m not gonna fight for someone if they have one foot out the door. Why waste the time?

TicTac80 · 21/04/2021 11:14

I fought for my marriage right up until the point I found out he was seeing someone else. No sodding way would I want to do the pick me dance!

sweeneytoddsrazor · 21/04/2021 11:19

Not if it was an affair no, but if it was a rocky patch then yes I would fight to make it work.

Natsel84 · 21/04/2021 11:30

I agree with you op .

If they want to go off with someone else there's nothing to fight for just wave 👋 goodbye

daisyjgrey · 21/04/2021 11:35

It completely depends on the context. If my partner had made a mistake, regretted it and wanted to fix the mistake as much as possible then I would work on the relationship with him. I wouldn't have with any of the people I'd been in relationships with previously, including my ex husband. This relationship is worth figuring shit out for.

MostIneptThatEverStepped · 21/04/2021 11:42

Jeez. When my ExH left me for his OW and her 4 kids my exMIL asked me "Did you fight for your man?"
What, the man who's been having an affair for the last year and is choosing to live with these other 4 kids instead of his own 3? No thanks.

Ugh.

EnoughnowIthink · 21/04/2021 12:06

My ex husband married me whilst I was overweight. I maintained that weight throughtout our marriage but it was a stick he beat me with regularly (no mention of it being a problem before we married). He blamed his affair on my weight and behaved very, very badly generally towards me and the children after he left - cleared out the joint bank accounts, refused to help pay the mortgage (I was a SAHM at the time), paid no maintenance whatsoever, introduced the children to the OW day after he walked out....you get the picture.

About a year later, he helped me clear out some stuff before the house sold. The OW long gone at this point. He point blank asked me 'why didn't you fight for me?'. I asked him what he meant by that and he said 'it should have made you lose weight'.

So fighting for a cheating, scumbag of a husband who thinks leaving his ex and children high and dry involves making yourself more attractive and then he'll deign to return. I am still not convinced he understands the issue with that. I am still overweight. Not had an issue in 14 years attracting decent men.

Taikoo · 21/04/2021 12:07

YANBU.
I would be exactly the same.
I refuse to beg anyone for their company or their time.
If my man preferred another woman, then he can go bugger off to her.

Thatsnotmyfacemynoseistoobig · 21/04/2021 12:07

I wouldn't either. See yaGrin

LolaButt · 21/04/2021 12:10

I would wish him well in all his future endeavours.

Shoxfordian · 21/04/2021 12:12

@LeaveMyDamnJam
Indeed
He’s not doing better than me anyway Grin

ihatesonic · 21/04/2021 12:14

I am intrigued by these responses. As most people I know in married life don't actually end the marriage.

Just recently a friend of mine discovered her husband had been a swinger and had a year long affair. She stayed. I can't fathom why.

StevieNix · 21/04/2021 12:18

Nope I would never do the pick me dance.
If they decide to be with someone else then that’s their decision (and ultimately their loss) I’m not going to humiliate myself by trying to get them to stay with me if they’ve already checked out

FortniteBoysMum · 21/04/2021 12:19

I fought for our relationship the first time around and 8 years on it seems to have worked for us. However if it happened again I would walk away.

Bluntness100 · 21/04/2021 12:20

Well he’s a big fan of the pick me dance, but I’d not do it either. I’m with you.

AnyFucker · 21/04/2021 12:21

Well, a lot of people pronounce this very confidently and then when faced with the reality of being actually put in that position ....

It hasn’t happened to me but I see it on here all the time

Personally, any relationship that requires “fighting” for, for whatever reason, is not a healthy one