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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re MIL?

70 replies

Plexmex · 20/04/2021 22:05

MIL is a very nosey person by nature, for some reason she gets fixated on my parents whenever I see her and asks constant Q’s about their lives, on and on and on. My parents are quite private people and they don’t really know MIL (have only met her a few times) and so I’ve always been aware when she’s been asking me Q’s that they may not appreciate me telling her very much so I tend to keep my answers brief and then change the subject.

Unfortunately I had a big row with my parents at the weekend. Something has happened personally to them that I have warned them about and they have totally ignored me for years. They’re now in a really precarious position in terms of health and finances.

DH mentioned over dinner that MIL had been asking Q’s about my parents yesterday and he said he felt a bit awkward as he didn’t know whether to tell her about the row and what’s going on in their lives etc.

I asked him tonight to not. I’ve said it’s mine and my family’s personal business, the situation is really upsetting me at the moment, I’m not close with MIL, I’m not 100% sure her interest in my parents is stemming from a kind or genuine place and the more you tell her the more she probes the next time you see her.

He said he doesn’t feel comfortable lying to his mother. I said he doesn’t have to lie, if she asks how they are etc just answer normally but if she starts asking more personal Q’s I’ve said I’d appreciate it if he just changed the subject or said he didn’t know/ wasn’t sure etc. Basically fob her off, change the subject and make it clear she’s not going to get loads of gossip/ info and hopefully she’ll get bored.

AIBU? I just don’t feel MIL has a right to know whether I’ve had a row with my parents, or their financial situation or whatever else. I’m not close with her and it just feels really intrusive. I feel like her right to be nosey has to trump my right to privacy.

OP posts:
Andylion · 20/04/2021 22:07

He said he doesn’t feel comfortable lying to his mother.

I don't like lying either, but when someone asks questions that are none of their business, I believe a lie justified.

Iheartbed · 20/04/2021 22:11

Why lie? He can just say it’s a personal matter for you and your family and he’s not at liberty to discuss it

RiojaRose · 20/04/2021 22:16

There’s a difference between lying and refusing to gossip about other people’s private business. Make it clear he’s not to discuss your parents with his parents.

Woodlandbelle · 20/04/2021 22:16

You are totally right to protect your privacy and your parents. Of course keep things light and breezy and light chit chat is fine.
Dh does not need to tell his mother about the row. Actually his loyalty should be to you.

Iloveacurry · 20/04/2021 22:20

It’s got nothing to do with his mother! He needs to say they’re fine, well, etc, not mentioning the row or your parents personal business.

Zancah · 20/04/2021 22:21

He doesn't need to lie. It's like when I've got lots of things going on in my life … I don't spill my guts to every Tom dick and Harry, I just say Oh I'm fine, not much going on, y'know…You? Doesn't everyone do that? It must be a well used skill, really!! I don't tell my deepest and darkest secrets to anyone who simply asks how I'm doing Confused

StoneofDestiny · 20/04/2021 22:21

Just needs to say he's no idea and that he leaves your parents business to you.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/04/2021 22:27

I despise people like your MIL. Nasty, gossiping, vipers. I would be giving her a very wide berth and zero information about anything.

harknesswitch · 20/04/2021 22:29

There's no need for him to lie to his parents

If they ask he tells the truth, 'it's a private matter between your parents and he's been asked, by you, not to talk about it to anyone, including his parents.

If they continue to ask, he tells them to speak to your parents directly if they want to know. Hopefully they will have enough sense not to ask your dp

Original poster
Plexmex · 20/04/2021 22:34

Thanks. MIL said to me once ‘Your parent’s business IS my business because what goes on in their lives affects you and what affects you affects my son.’

Fair enough but you could say that about a lot of things and ultimately, other than venting to DH if I’m upset about my parents or my parents and I have had a row, I try and keep my parent’s out of our marriage. As yet, their problems haven’t affected us so I don’t really agree with her and I really didn’t know what to say at the time.

OP posts:
saraclara · 20/04/2021 22:34

He answered in exactly the same way as he would if this hasn't happened. He can talk about any other aspect of their lives but not this one.

When I have something on my mind that I'm not ready to talk about, and people ask me how I am, I come out with something bland and general. That's not lying, it's just deciding how much I want to tell. If they ask specifics, it's still relatively easy not to say anything you don't want to. And that's not lying either.

THE WORST thing he could do is let her know that there's something going on that he's not able to talk about. That would be insane because she'd really get nosey then.

saraclara · 20/04/2021 22:36

@harknesswitch

There's no need for him to lie to his parents

If they ask he tells the truth, 'it's a private matter between your parents and he's been asked, by you, not to talk about it to anyone, including his parents.

If they continue to ask, he tells them to speak to your parents directly if they want to know. Hopefully they will have enough sense not to ask your dp

Ffs. Seriously, that's the last thing he should do. Turning it into a mystery drama? Jeeeze.
BlackAlys · 20/04/2021 22:37

@Plexmex

Thanks. MIL said to me once ‘Your parent’s business IS my business because what goes on in their lives affects you and what affects you affects my son.’

Fair enough but you could say that about a lot of things and ultimately, other than venting to DH if I’m upset about my parents or my parents and I have had a row, I try and keep my parent’s out of our marriage. As yet, their problems haven’t affected us so I don’t really agree with her and I really didn’t know what to say at the time.

Whoa! She's desperate in her nosiness.

YANBU at all.

MrsClatterbuck · 20/04/2021 22:38

@harknesswitch

There's no need for him to lie to his parents

If they ask he tells the truth, 'it's a private matter between your parents and he's been asked, by you, not to talk about it to anyone, including his parents.

If they continue to ask, he tells them to speak to your parents directly if they want to know. Hopefully they will have enough sense not to ask your dp

If he says that it's a private matter between you and your parents then he's basically intimating that something is going on which will make her more determined to find out what. Do not give even a hint that there is a problem with you and your parents. Keep it light and breezy and in fact your DH should be telling his mum that your parents business is NOT ANY of her business period and shutting her down immediately when she starts asking questions being nosey
saraclara · 20/04/2021 22:38

I said he doesn’t have to lie, if she asks how they are etc just answer normally but if she starts asking more personal Q’s I’ve said I’d appreciate it if he just changed the subject or said he didn’t know/ wasn’t sure etc.

Exactly. Also ask him how he'd feel if you blabbed his private business to your parents because you 'couldn't lie to them'

saraclara · 20/04/2021 22:41

"What do you mean you're upset that I told my parents that you're having trouble getting it up these days? Did you expect me to lie to them when they asked how you were?"

Yeah, he'd find that totally reasonable. Hmm

MrsClatterbuck · 20/04/2021 22:43

Thanks. MIL said to me once ‘Your parent’s business IS my business because what goes on in their lives affects you and what affects you affects my son.

Sorry but it's nothing to do with something affecting her son your DH. Nosiness pure and simple.

Dasher789 · 20/04/2021 22:47

100% your dh should just say your parents are fine nothing going on. What business is it of mil. If your parents wanted her to be involved with their business they would ask her.

DontBeRidiculous · 20/04/2021 22:49

I'd be seriously annoyed if he decided he couldn't keep your private affairs private. It's none of his mother's business. Telling her a white lie ("They're fine." "No, haven't heard much from the in-laws lately.") is harmless, and if he can't do that for your sake, I'd tell him that he's giving you no choice but to exclude him from your confidence, then find a friend or someone else to vent to.

It's a betrayal for him to go gabbing to his gossipy mother!

Seafog · 20/04/2021 22:53

He can just reply, "nothing to report, and how are you mum?"

Mummy1608 · 20/04/2021 22:55

Is he a bit of a gossip too?

Plumplumbadum · 20/04/2021 23:00

Why are you tip toeing around her? She obviously has no problems with being nosy and asking about things that have got nothing to do with her. So why do you have a problem with telling her to mind her own business? Sometimes I think people are way too polite, or feel they have to give someone answers.

gah2teenagers · 20/04/2021 23:01

Good grief. Yes they are all fine is allllllll that is required. It is absolutely none of her business until you are ready to share any news.

babbaloushka · 20/04/2021 23:01

@Iheartbed

Why lie? He can just say it’s a personal matter for you and your family and he’s not at liberty to discuss it
I feel like that would be even worse, surely she would be incensed? He just needs to say "yeah, they're alright, how have you been?" or something similarly banal.
RiojaRose · 20/04/2021 23:29

@MrsClatterbuck

Thanks. MIL said to me once ‘Your parent’s business IS my business because what goes on in their lives affects you and what affects you affects my son.

Sorry but it's nothing to do with something affecting her son your DH. Nosiness pure and simple.

I agree. And also, don’t bother arguing with her. Just state your boundaries and leave it at that, e.g. “well I won’t be discussing my parents’ personal issues.” Repeat as necessary, even if you sound like a broken record.
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