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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Re MIL?

70 replies

Plexmex · 20/04/2021 22:05

MIL is a very nosey person by nature, for some reason she gets fixated on my parents whenever I see her and asks constant Q’s about their lives, on and on and on. My parents are quite private people and they don’t really know MIL (have only met her a few times) and so I’ve always been aware when she’s been asking me Q’s that they may not appreciate me telling her very much so I tend to keep my answers brief and then change the subject.

Unfortunately I had a big row with my parents at the weekend. Something has happened personally to them that I have warned them about and they have totally ignored me for years. They’re now in a really precarious position in terms of health and finances.

DH mentioned over dinner that MIL had been asking Q’s about my parents yesterday and he said he felt a bit awkward as he didn’t know whether to tell her about the row and what’s going on in their lives etc.

I asked him tonight to not. I’ve said it’s mine and my family’s personal business, the situation is really upsetting me at the moment, I’m not close with MIL, I’m not 100% sure her interest in my parents is stemming from a kind or genuine place and the more you tell her the more she probes the next time you see her.

He said he doesn’t feel comfortable lying to his mother. I said he doesn’t have to lie, if she asks how they are etc just answer normally but if she starts asking more personal Q’s I’ve said I’d appreciate it if he just changed the subject or said he didn’t know/ wasn’t sure etc. Basically fob her off, change the subject and make it clear she’s not going to get loads of gossip/ info and hopefully she’ll get bored.

AIBU? I just don’t feel MIL has a right to know whether I’ve had a row with my parents, or their financial situation or whatever else. I’m not close with her and it just feels really intrusive. I feel like her right to be nosey has to trump my right to privacy.

OP posts:

saraclara · 20/04/2021 23:40

Just state your boundaries and leave it at that, e.g. “well I won’t be discussing my parents’ personal issues.”

No. Again, this would just pique her curiosity even more. All anyone has to do is answer her questions in the most boring way possible. "Yep, they're fine. No news"... or if she asks something specific "I don't know...haven't thought to ask". And then change the subject.

RiojaRose · 21/04/2021 00:06

@saraclara

Just state your boundaries and leave it at that, e.g. “well I won’t be discussing my parents’ personal issues.”

Different situation. My reply was to the specific insistence that the OP’s parents’ experiences are of interest to her MIL.

I agree that the OP’s husband should just change the subject.

saraclara · 21/04/2021 00:19

Apologies @RiojaRose. I shouldn't skim read.

RiojaRose · 21/04/2021 00:20

No apologies necessary! I agree with you about the other specific situation.

readingismycardio · 21/04/2021 05:39

@Plexmex

Thanks. MIL said to me once ‘Your parent’s business IS my business because what goes on in their lives affects you and what affects you affects my son.’

Fair enough but you could say that about a lot of things and ultimately, other than venting to DH if I’m upset about my parents or my parents and I have had a row, I try and keep my parent’s out of our marriage. As yet, their problems haven’t affected us so I don’t really agree with her and I really didn’t know what to say at the time.

What a bitch. Sorry, OP, but she reminds me of my MIL & I get the rage 😂 No, IT'S NOT HER BUSINESS! Nor is your relationship with her son.

Thisgirlcando · 21/04/2021 06:18

Would you tell your parents if the same had happened to MIL?

MaMaD1990 · 21/04/2021 06:28

In reality you can't stop her asking questions, only hope she gets bored with asking. By the same token she can't force you to tell her, even if she thinks your son could be affected. I'd just be telling her straight that you don't appreciate the constant inquisition from her and when there is something you'd like to tell her, you will - next subject. Your partner sounds a bit wet to be honest, I'm sure there are things he would hate for you to tell his mother about him - maybe frame it that way to get him to understand your POV. I'd be coming down hard on him if he let something slip though.

timeisnotaline · 21/04/2021 06:34

Say to him If I was suffering from painful genitals warts and mil said and how’s Plex doing, she seemed a bit off colour and you answered anything but she’s fine or something similarly vague, you’d be sleeping on the sofa for the foreseeable. So if she asks how my parents are, think genitals warts and answer in the same way.

Shoxfordian · 21/04/2021 06:45

She sounds incredibly nosy
I’d be inclined to tell her some different fictious nonsense every time

They’re moving to Peru!
They won the lottery!
They’re adopting an elephant for the garden!

Heysiriyouknob · 21/04/2021 06:54

Thanks. MIL said to me once ‘Your parent’s business IS my business because what goes on in their lives affects you and what affects you affects my son.’

I think I would have laughed in her face at that.

It astonishes me how mosey some people are. I know nothing about my in laws really and don't care. I can't think of anything worse than being overly involved in other peoples lives.

billy1966 · 21/04/2021 07:38

What a nasty bitch she is.

I can't bear gossipy people and I can't bear nosey people.

Your husband sounds like a wuss and his mother's son.

Is he an old woman?
He sounds like it.

You poor woman re your parents.
How very upsetting for you this must be.

If you don't have children, think long and hard about having them with a weak man who can't keep your business private from his mummy.

Your family's business is NONE of your MIL's business.

Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 21/04/2021 08:13

If he really cant bring himself to say they're fine, he needs to think of a few generic things that apply to pretty much everyone at the moment that will trigger a more general conversation.
...they're looking forward to the lifting of lockdown...
..they're enjoying the change of weather and the sunshine...
...their garden has loads of daffodils at the moment, how's your garden?
...they are watching lots of films on Netflix
...they are really busy at work...

Angrypregnantlady · 21/04/2021 08:16

She's just nosey. It's nine of her business. Stop placating her with any kind of answer, anything past "they're doing good, thanks for asking." Is too much info.

Youseethethingis · 21/04/2021 09:15

MIL said to me once ‘Your parent’s business IS my business because what goes on in their lives affects you and what affects you affects my son
You have my deepest sympathy 💐

Wizzbangfizz · 21/04/2021 09:22

Nosy cow it has literally no impact on her or her life what happens with you and your parents. YANBU.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 21/04/2021 09:29

He said he doesn’t feel comfortable lying to his mother. Then he needs to tell her she is overstepping boundaries, being nosey and that he won't accommodate her.

That is his only other choice. Unless he wants to leave you and his marriage and go home and live with her!

If this is going to be a long term issue for your parents they don't have to have it braodcast to or by a third party. Your DH HAS to understand that their very real dilemma is not juicy gossip for his mother and that every single word of information he passes to her will be a dagger in your heart!

His choice! Time for him to grow up.

Ofallthethings · 21/04/2021 10:15

"Thanks. MIL said to me once ‘Your parent’s business IS my business because what goes on in their lives affects you and what affects you affects my son."
She is just after information /gossip rather than caring. Your DH needs some stock bland answers to her questions like "they are looking forward to their holiday in xyz...". Telling her it's a personal matter/none of her business will just spur her on as she'll realise there's something going on, and she won't leave your DH alone and he might cave.

GoWalkabout · 21/04/2021 10:32

Well, families usually ask after each other and children often share their tribulations with their parents, so I don't think she is being unusually nosy or he is being unreasonable. Rather extreme responses! The problem is that you are feeling rather ashamed for your parents and understandably don't want to share. I think he should say 'things are not great with them at the moment, but nothing life threatening - I can't say more because me and Plexmex like to maintain your and their privacy, we don't share your business with them.'

saraclara · 21/04/2021 10:36

@GoWalkabout

I could not disagree more. Families share their tribulations with those they trust. Not nosy in-laws who seem to feel entitled to know their business. And if DH says what you suggest, he will simply add fuel to the fire, as his DM still know there's something going on and be positively salivating.

JudgeJ · 21/04/2021 10:42

@Andylion

He said he doesn’t feel comfortable lying to his mother.

I don't like lying either, but when someone asks questions that are none of their business, I believe a lie justified.

Teach him the word 'Fine', covers everything, especially if repeated regularly.

MaMaD1990 · 21/04/2021 10:43

@GoWalkabout

Umm no. She is nosey because OP feels uncomfortable about her constant questioning - whether or not she's nosey isn't up for debate because OP feels she is. It's not normal for a MIL to try to insert herself into other people's business.

Original poster

Plexmex · 21/04/2021 10:44

Yes, this is it. I’m not close to MIL, I don’t fully trust her after some comments/ behaviour in the past and so I don’t want to talk about personal stuff with her, I don’t want her knowing any of my business, especially if it isn’t good as I can just imagine her rubbing her hands with glee and totally revelling in any slight misfortune of myself or my family tbh.

DH last night said his parents are his support network/ ‘advisors’ I said tough, on this subject, if he feels the need to vent about my parents, then do so to a friend, someone more impartial.

He tried to argue that he talks to work colleagues all the time about stuff going on in their lives so what’s the difference?! I said the difference, I said the difference is he knows his work colleagues, there’s a direct relationship between him and them and if they feel like they want to share information about their personal lives with him that’s up to them, but this is 3rd party and my parents aren’t friends with his parents, there’s no relationship there and they haven’t consented to their personal business being divulged to, basically, randomers.

OP posts:

Whereisthewarmth · 21/04/2021 10:45

Are they in the same town or something, she sounds like she has heard something on the gossip vine?

As you say, its clearly not coming from a nice place, she has no caring instinct for you and it sounds like she wants amo to use against you, because what can she possibly do with the information and lets say whatever has happened to you DP does impact her son - what on earth can she do about it or want too anyway?

Whereisthewarmth · 21/04/2021 10:46

what can his support network advise on when it comes to your dp?

LookItsMeAgain · 21/04/2021 10:47

I wonder if your MiL's logic applies in reverse as in the business between her and your FiL is your business because it impacts on your husband (their son) and you as a result.
Turn it around on her. Find out as much as you can about whatever she is up to and how much money they are spending on X or Y and get really in her face about stuff. All the time she spends explaining herself to you is less time she has to ask you about your parents and their situation.
Just a thought

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