Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Re MIL?

70 replies

Plexmex · 20/04/2021 22:05

MIL is a very nosey person by nature, for some reason she gets fixated on my parents whenever I see her and asks constant Q’s about their lives, on and on and on. My parents are quite private people and they don’t really know MIL (have only met her a few times) and so I’ve always been aware when she’s been asking me Q’s that they may not appreciate me telling her very much so I tend to keep my answers brief and then change the subject.

Unfortunately I had a big row with my parents at the weekend. Something has happened personally to them that I have warned them about and they have totally ignored me for years. They’re now in a really precarious position in terms of health and finances.

DH mentioned over dinner that MIL had been asking Q’s about my parents yesterday and he said he felt a bit awkward as he didn’t know whether to tell her about the row and what’s going on in their lives etc.

I asked him tonight to not. I’ve said it’s mine and my family’s personal business, the situation is really upsetting me at the moment, I’m not close with MIL, I’m not 100% sure her interest in my parents is stemming from a kind or genuine place and the more you tell her the more she probes the next time you see her.

He said he doesn’t feel comfortable lying to his mother. I said he doesn’t have to lie, if she asks how they are etc just answer normally but if she starts asking more personal Q’s I’ve said I’d appreciate it if he just changed the subject or said he didn’t know/ wasn’t sure etc. Basically fob her off, change the subject and make it clear she’s not going to get loads of gossip/ info and hopefully she’ll get bored.

AIBU? I just don’t feel MIL has a right to know whether I’ve had a row with my parents, or their financial situation or whatever else. I’m not close with her and it just feels really intrusive. I feel like her right to be nosey has to trump my right to privacy.

OP posts:

Whereisthewarmth · 21/04/2021 10:50

Looks - I like it ....start to probe op!!

Get into wills, pb, bank accounts..it will all impact you and him ! Plans for future retirement,,,

saraclara · 21/04/2021 10:53

Ugh. Given your update, I wouldn't trust your husband on this at all. I think there's a strong chance that he'll tell her but swear her to secrecy. Which of course will mean lying to you.

I hate and despise people who can't keep a confidence. It's about as arrogant and selfish an attitude as I can think of. 'My need to gossip about this far outweighs what you're going through and any promise I made'

Maskedrevenger · 21/04/2021 11:09

If your DH hasn’t got the ability to say fine or change the subject I’d be worried that if your MIL asks about you or the state of your marriage, finances whatever he will be telling her everything because it would make him feel uncomfortable not to. If she is that desperate to find out about your parents how much is pressure is she putting on your DH to find out about your marriage. Do you want to have 3 people in your relationship?

Marshasthorn · 21/04/2021 11:14

‘How are plexmex’s parents?’

‘Ask plexmex mum, they’re her parents’

Probables solved

Marshasthorn · 21/04/2021 11:14

Problem*

Marshasthorn · 21/04/2021 11:15

@Whereisthewarmth

Looks - I like it

....start to probe op!!

Get into wills, pb, bank accounts..it will all impact you and him ! Plans for future retirement,,,

I really like this 😂

GrumpyHoonMain · 21/04/2021 11:21

I would normally agree yes but depends on the problem with your DP. My DM always asks DB and Sil about her parents whereabouts and interactions with DNs because he’s abusive and used to throw Sil and her sisters down stairs and she is always worried sick when he and his wife bully sil into letting them do childcare.

Ohdobequiet · 21/04/2021 11:42

I’d be concerned regarding my dh if he pushed me so much on something I’d clearly told him I was (completely justifiably) uncomfortable with.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 21/04/2021 11:57

Thanks. MIL said to me once ‘Your parent’s business IS my business because what goes on in their lives affects you and what affects you affects my son.

Fuck off with that noise. No one has the right to intimately personal information just because they ask for it.

Mummy1608 · 21/04/2021 12:08

@Shoxfordian

She sounds incredibly nosy I’d be inclined to tell her some different fictious nonsense every time

They’re moving to Peru!
They won the lottery!
They’re adopting an elephant for the garden!

I would do this

Notaroadrunner · 21/04/2021 12:16

I'd be finding a friend to confide in instead of your Dh. He can't be trusted to keep his mouth shut - much like his mother I guess.

YoniAndGuy · 21/04/2021 12:34

Yes, I think I would make it very clear to your DH that if his primary loyalty isn't to YOU, and putting your wishes before his mother's wants on stuff like this (ie stuff that's about you not him) ... then not to be surprised when he begins to realise that his loyal loving wife gradually seems to become a bit more distant, a bit more closed, a bit less trusting... and he starts to know far far less about what's going on in her life.

Oh, and she also stops being so welcoming of his nosey mother in her life, as she oesn't trust her own DH to maintain joint boundaries.

I don't know whether you have kids, but it would also seem prudent to point out to him that if he's not prioritising the right people in his marriage, all the linked things like you supporting his wider family getting on well with your nuclear family and children... all that gets a lot more difficult when you don't feel he's on your side.

In short, if MIL wants to find herself sidelined as it's the only way to not have your private business gossiped about, she's going the right way about it!

billy1966 · 21/04/2021 15:12

@Notaroadrunner

I'd be finding a friend to confide in instead of your Dh. He can't be trusted to keep his mouth shut - much like his mother I guess.

This.

I suspect he going to tell his mother.

He sounds odious and really dim.

I so hope ye don't have children with him.

Nothing worse than having to explain basic stuff to an obtuse man.

Sooooooo unattractive.

If you are determined to stay married to him, stop telling him ANYTHING that matters.

You mummy's boy can't keep his own council.

BlackAlys · 21/04/2021 19:14

You cannot trust him. He doesn't see your point whatsoever and won't listen to you.

You cannot talk to him about issues that are sensitive to you - he will most certainly tell his Mother.

How utterly treacherous.

Original poster

Plexmex · 21/04/2021 19:27

He’s said that he won’t say anything to MIL, that he will just change the subject etc but that he hates lying. I said you’re not lying, you’re just being vague, he said it’s lying by omission. I said that may be, but tough.

I think I’m just going to limit what I tell him from now on. I know he wouldn’t deliberately tell MIL anything after telling me he won’t (he’s very honourable and trustworthy in that respect) but I think MIL may probe and he can’t tell her what he doesn’t know.

OP posts:

LookItsMeAgain · 22/04/2021 08:44

That's a shame @Plexmex that you feel you can no longer confide in your husband because he can't keep his mouth shut to his mother!

That is such a pity.

Bluntness100 · 22/04/2021 08:51

That’s a shame as your parents problems are impacting your marriage, whatever is happening with them is now a secret that must be kept. You now don’t want to confide in your own husband bout them because you’re so desperate for your mother in law not to know even though you say he’s trustworthy.

saraclara · 22/04/2021 08:58

he said it’s lying by omission. I said that may be, but tough.

It isn't though. He sounds a bit dim if he thinks that. Does anyone tell people evening they know about others?

If someone asked after my daughter when she was newly pregnant but not yet in the safe zone, I just said she was fine, and if any more was needed, might mention her work or her partner. To not mention the pregnancy wasn't 'lying by omission', and nor is keeping your parents' business to yourselves.

Heysiriyouknob · 22/04/2021 10:09

He reminds me of my ex actually.

He had to tell everyone everything. He would tell even the most personal stuff to virtual strangers.

His family knew EVERYTHING. Personal medical details of mine that I would only ever want to share with my husband, he would tell them. It was infuriating.

It's part of the reason his relationship with Ds broke down as he got older, de realised he couldn't tell him anything private.

billy1966 · 22/04/2021 11:30

@saraclara

he said it’s lying by omission. I said that may be, but tough.

It isn't though. He sounds a bit dim if he thinks that. Does anyone tell people evening they know about others?

Exactly.

He sounds very dim.

Mind you, what man with a decent IQ would need to tell his mummy everything and thinks he was "lying by omission" by not volunteering his partner's private business.

Sounds like an awful twit.

Flip

1 2 3