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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that sil should pay me to look after her child?

106 replies

tegan · 12/11/2007 18:36

I have been hvaing him 1 day a week since he was 4 months old, the other days he is passed between various family members. The child is nearly 2 and i have offered not to accept a full time job but to look after him full time (8 til 6)for £50 a week. She is mortified. AIBU

OP posts:
fireflyfairy2 · 14/11/2007 21:11

I agree with Maureen.

Poor baby.

If I was you I would voice my concerns to the HV/SS.

Why did they have a baby if they are unwilling to accept responsibility for him

MaureenMLove · 14/11/2007 21:26

I'm sure SS are much nicer than people think. They don't want to take children out of families. Would you be willing to take complete custody of your nephew or would that just be making things worse? It could come to that, if you are willing. I'm not an authority on this at all, its just what I've heard.

I do think its time though. I really think you should think about it whilst he's still so young. It'll be much easier for him. So sorry that its as bad as it is for you.

expatinscotland · 14/11/2007 21:33

report her to SS anonymously.

i can't believe your husband didn't wallop the hell out of her for beating you up.

CarGirl · 14/11/2007 21:34

please contact social services - they always look to family members to look after them anyway so you can offer. Please his life sounds miserable

mrspnut · 14/11/2007 21:55

Please do call social services - like others have said you don't have to give your name and it may make your nephews life better in the long term.

The SS teams do always look for a family placement first over a long term foster placement purely because it's in the best interests of the child - however they do consider the suitability of all placements before deciding where a child should live.

Original poster
tegan · 14/11/2007 22:13

even though she is dh's younger sister she is his opposite. she has a vile temper and is very demanding where as dh isn't, he doesn't like confrontation and wouldn't want to rock the family boat.

I think she was going to have an abortion but her dp talked her out of it, she didn't tell anyone she was pg until 6 months gone and then swore everyone to secrecy.

all i want is the best for him. i know he is only my nephew but i would willingly accept him into our family on a permanent basis if i thought she would agree.

OP posts:
MaureenMLove · 14/11/2007 22:17

She may not have a choice....

Kiddi · 15/11/2007 00:24

scary the way this thread has takena twist, thought I had clicked on to the wrong thread

slim22 · 15/11/2007 02:36

Oh Tegan, you MUST talk to social services. Once you find out what options there are you must sit down and talk to your husband.
This is a disaster waiting to happen.
You are being very brave and probably making one of the most important choices of your life. You need to get the message accross to DH. This is not one of those things that you want to bitterly regret when a serious drama strikes. You and DH can prevent this poor little lad's life from turning to the worse.
What's worse a family feud or a wrecked life?

If it comes to the point where DH can not do it then report it. She sounds totally unfit to be a mother and from what I understand her partner is not even the child's father. I can't see any reason why he should remain in their care.
He's already been physically injured and probably severely damaged emotionally. What next FGS!

Dropdeadfred · 15/11/2007 08:15

an you think of any reason that she wouldn't agree?
b

tigermoth · 15/11/2007 08:38

maureenMlove, forgot to add yesterday that I am sorry you were messed around by someone cancelling a visit and not bothering to tell you. Some people!

Tegan, hope you take Maureen's advice and talk to social services about this, especially as you can do it anonymously.

From what you say, this boy has been willfully neglected by his parents. By the time he starts pre school, the staff who'll see him day to day may well question his care at home and contact the SS themselves, so one way or another, this could come to the attention of the SS.

If you do something now, you are could be just bringing the things forward a bit. By not reporting your concerns now, as his carer, it could it be possible that SS may want to talk to you later. I don't know much about this at all - hope someone else does, but you may need to cover yourself as he is in your care for some of the time. You don't want your SIL trying to blame you for his neglect further down the line.

HAPPYMUMOF5 · 15/11/2007 08:41

tegan are you the only one who has raised these concerens? What about his grandparents, have they ever given you an inkling they are worried?

Original poster
tegan · 15/11/2007 12:29

sil came by this morning and and said that there is no way she would ever pay anyone to look after her child while there are idiots who would do it for nothing.

dh has asked her to find other arrangements for her child as fil is too ill to be helping and mil works full time.

I am distraught to think that she really doesn't cacre about him at all and perhaps i should consider doing something about this.

OP posts:
MaureenMLovesmincepies · 15/11/2007 12:37

I think its time Tegan. No matter how hard it may get for you with SIL, this is a two year old little boy we're talking about. You love him very much and the best thing you can do for him now, is to make sure he has the upbringing he deserves.

Just speak to someone, get some facts. You'll always hear rumours flying around about what SS do, but until you make that call, you don't know the facts. I'm sure there's someone on here, somewhere, who can give you some advice, but until then, we are here for support, at least.

Good luck, keep us posted.

ChristmasShinySnowflakes · 15/11/2007 12:44

You MUST contact Social Services, anonymously if you wish to and outline your concerns for this child.

Think about what yopu would advise one of us if we were in your position.

Poor little boy

MaureenMLovesmincepies · 15/11/2007 12:44

This is a start. Completely confidential and no need to discuss names at this point. Have a look.

allgonebellyup · 15/11/2007 12:51

i think calling the nspcc may be a little too farfetched..

Lulumama · 15/11/2007 12:54

can someone briefly outline the concerns re the child?

personally, if my SIl had put me in hospital twice, she would be in prison right now, and certainly would not have been with me when i delivered my baby....

someone has to set this woman some boundaries

Dropdeadfred · 15/11/2007 12:57

she has openly referred to you as an idiot...what are you going to do?

MaureenMLovesmincepies · 15/11/2007 12:58

Maybe, but if you look on the homepage, it gives advice as to where to turn. It also goes on to explain the course of action, once the SS have been contacted. It just means that Tegan can have a read through, without even phoning someone, for now.

AitchTwoOh · 15/11/2007 13:04

oh dear how awful, tegan i really think you should very quietly and anonymously give the social work a ring. is anyone else rather intrigued to know what a violent, drug-taking absent mother does to make £60grand a year?

MaureenMLovesmincepies · 15/11/2007 13:09

It just shows you doesn't it? It doesn't matter how much money you have, you're either good or bad. That was a very sweeping statement, but you know where I'm coming from!

Oblomov · 15/11/2007 13:15

How is Tegans poor dh going to feel about this. I think she should talk to him first before doing anything. The poor man is in denial, I think.

fedupwasherwoman · 15/11/2007 13:20

Aitch, I have been wondering the same for quite a while.

Oh Tegan, I'm so sad to hear of a 2 year old left to fall asleep in front of the TV in his buggy every night, by himself. If she is violent to adults do you think he suffers violence at home too ?

Please report the family to social services for the little boys sake.

Are you worried that if you withdraw your services he'll be even more at risk of a miserable childhood ? If so could you keep minding him for a bit longer until SS have done their stuff ?

Lulumama · 15/11/2007 13:44

the child has a father

if he is equally dismissive of the childs' welfare then it needs addressing, maybe talking together as a family, before getting on to social services....

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