Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

to think that sil should pay me to look after her child?

106 replies

tegan · 12/11/2007 18:36

I have been hvaing him 1 day a week since he was 4 months old, the other days he is passed between various family members. The child is nearly 2 and i have offered not to accept a full time job but to look after him full time (8 til 6)for £50 a week. She is mortified. AIBU

OP posts:

inthegutter · 13/11/2007 20:37

This is outrageous! Poor kid, being passed around rather than proper childcare arrangements being put in place. YANBU at all. It sounds as though your concerns are for your nephew though, and you're putting his welfare before your own. That's really kind and unselfish of you, but tbh, you need to consider your own life and your family.

Original poster

tegan · 14/11/2007 09:01

my family do come first but i feel this poor child didn't ask to be born so why should he suffer because they neglect him

OP posts:

slim22 · 14/11/2007 09:16

It doesn't feel fair.

You seem to be doing this out of geniune affection for your nephew.
She seems to just get on with her life without any second thought for anybody else.

Personnally could not ask for money from family for offering to babysit. But this is a whole new different arrangement.
It's 5 days a week, full time!
Maybe she could pay for a weekly cleaner to help you out with housekeeping and provide a provission of nappies/snacks/goodie at least once a month.
Or offer a treat for all the kids once a month. ie: her and partner take them to park for ice cream on saturday afternoon or sunday morning so that you can have some free time with DH?
And if you buy clothes or any other necessity for her child, present her with the bill. It's likely she'll rely on you for all first necessities if you take this on full time, so establish the rules right now.

sb6699 · 14/11/2007 09:55

My SIL looked after my DD1 2 days per week for nothing while I worked. Just made sure I took her DC at the weekend so she could have a day off and bought her extra special B'day and Crimbo presents.

BUT - 5 days per week is a full time job and at £50 per week she should consider herself lucky!

Maybe if she was skint I would understand her reasoning more but they have a better income that most who have to pay far more for childcare.

Explain to her calmly that if you are not accepting a full time job to look after her child you need the extra income to compensate for that.

If she still doesn't understand print off some of these posts and show them to her she'll soon see how unreasonable she's being when she realises the REAL cost of childcare!!!

Dropdeadfred · 14/11/2007 10:30

you don't need to childmind him, sounds like adopting him would be better..

catsmother · 14/11/2007 10:53

Have you decided what you're going to do yet ?

I get the impression - maybe - that because of his mother's lack of concern, you're worried about where the little boy will end up if you don't have him. Is that why you've not really rocked the boat yet ?

There's no doubt at all that she is using you hideously. To not only never acknowledge you are helping her immensely - by way of gifts and/or payment, but also leaving you to pay for nappies and food too, she is taking the p* big style. Why on earth are you also buying clothes ?

Your offer to look after him for 50 hours a week for £50 is amazingly generous and I'm gobsmacked this has been taken offence at ..... any normal person would bite your hand off. I guess however that at the moment the miserly cow doesn't pay a penny to anyone and all she sees is £200 less a month to go out on.

If you'd like a job at home which fits around your children I would seriously consider becoming a registered childminder and actually get paid the going rate for your time. You sound like a very caring child-orientated person and it seems crazy to pass up on maximising your income (either through a f/t job, or by being paid to look after someone else's children (not hers)) for fear of causing a family ruck. There's biting your tongue to keep the peace and then there's outright explotation ......

catsmother · 14/11/2007 10:55

* exploitation * I mean.

Kiddi · 14/11/2007 11:03

tigermoth, I feel that it would be wrong to mess the childminders about. if its not a genuine enquiry why should the minder and the children have their day messed about. I often ask parents to do their first visit when i am not working and then their second to assess how I work with kids as it does not mess the kids about if parents decide me or their house is not right for them.
On the other hand it may be worth ring the CIS FIs and asking if she could contact some long term minders or suport minders to discuss what the job entail ask for advice etc as this is an honest situation and I always prefer an honest approach. I have helped many parents find childcare when I have been full or if I do not cover the schools they need, so people can be helpful but I tink lying about needing care is wrong.
TEGAN any update on the situation? have you have any further coversations or considered looking into childminding yourself?

MaureenMLove · 14/11/2007 11:13

Fair play Tigermoth. I suppose its because I know the OP is only on a fact finding mission and not intending on even use a childminder! I'd just had a mum say she was coming to visit, done all my forms, procedures, printed contracts, got all my certificates ready etc, etc and she didn't turn up! When I phoned her she said she'd changed her mind

Of course, I would expect parents to visit several cm's before making a decision, complete nonsense not to!

Original poster

tegan · 14/11/2007 13:07

I do have concerns for him.

Sil has always had evertything done for her and she was only with her dp 2 weeks when she got pg. they moved in to a rented property 2 weeks before havin the baby and we all had to rally around.

I have heard various rumours about the things she was up to when pg and even drugs were involved.

he is always in one room while her and her dp are in another on the computer or watching tv. he still goes to sleep in his buggy infront of the tv

OP posts:

Oblomov · 14/11/2007 13:23

You are a saint. The going rate for childminder or nursery, in Surrey, is £40 per DAY.
Ungrateful bint that she is.

Dropdeadfred · 14/11/2007 13:29

Are you not close to your brother? could you chat with him?

donnie · 14/11/2007 13:34

you are being taken for a major ride.

UniversallyChallenged · 14/11/2007 13:39

Tegan thank goodness he has you to care about him you sound lovely.

You are right to ask for something, but always get it in writing if she finally does agree. Money so often causes such bad feeling, it's a shame. Dont sell yourself short and ask for what you think you are worth as it may cause you to feel resentful in the long run - tho maybe that's just how i would feel. You sound much nicer than me!

codslovechild · 14/11/2007 16:12

tigermoth · 14/11/2007 19:42

kiddi I take your point - speaking on the phone to some registered childminders via the FIS would be a good and time efficient way of getting info.

But I don't think it's particularly wrong or dishonest to arrange a visit to a childminder on the pretext of wanting to use their services, as long as you do not give the impression you will be definitely taking up an offered place. And of course you should go at a time that's best for the childminder, (whether its when she has children or not) and keep the visit short.

(I may go to a shop with only the vaguest idea of buying something that day but don't feel it's wrong to ask the sales assistant for some advice).

In Tegan's case, there is the possibility that she might want to become a childminder herself, so seeing a childminder at first hand in their home is going to help her. And it might mean she will recommend that childminder to her SIL.

tigermoth · 14/11/2007 19:50

Sorry that message is going off on a tangent, sinces the main thing here is Tegan's concern for her nephew and her SIL's selfish behaviour.

Tegan, could you meet your SIL to talk through all the stuff she'd expect you to do each day - the feeding, changing, taking out etc - and as you go through it start adding up the cost in front of her ie one pack of nappies per week, breakfast,lunch and drinks five days a week, you on a minimum hourly wage etc etc so she can see for herself how it all adds up? Would she go for this?

MaureenMLove · 14/11/2007 19:50

Its not dishonest at all. (I am in a better frame of mind today!) There's nothing wrong with visiting cm's. It might also help for OP to see just how much is involved. Sadly, its not just about looking after the children anymore. It might be just the eye opener that she needs to be able to make an informed decision about asking her SIL for more than £50 a week!

Heated · 14/11/2007 20:00

Sometimes I think pp should be licensed to breed - poor little mite.

I can understand your concerns because if it wasn't for you, who would love him?

You could force her hand & she'll have to find alternative provision which'll mean you could work, but I can understand your reluctance since you are the best thing in his life.

I pay £34 a day per child at a superb nursery. I believe CMs charge at least £25 per day.

Could you tell her she'll need to pay you CM fees as you can no longer finacially afford to stay at home as a SAHM? Or could your DH speak to her if he's more straight- talking?

Original poster

tegan · 14/11/2007 20:02

She is actually dh's sister and very difficult to talk to. when dh and i began going out (11 years ago) she put me in hospital twice through various violence towards me. then when i had dd1 i had her in the delivery room with me and dh hoping it would make her realise how special our relationship should be but 21 months later on my 21st birthday she got drunk and began beating me up in a pub toilet, from then until she had my nephew i have kept a distance but as i have no siblings he is and probably will be my only nephew and i love him to bits which is why i get so frustrated that he is so behind other kids due to her lack of care.

OP posts:

Heated · 14/11/2007 20:07

Are social services/authorities involved in his care given her violence, drug taking & neglect?

MaureenMLove · 14/11/2007 20:10

Oh Tegan, thats dreadful! This goes far deeper than her just not willing to pay for childcare then. I can see now why she thinks she can get away with treating you like this. What a dreadful situation to be in. Does anyone 'offical' know how your nephew is being brought up iykwim?

Original poster

tegan · 14/11/2007 20:11

Heated - I have spoke to dh many times about involving social services and the health visitor phoned her recently as he has been admitted to many hospitals around the country for shoulder/elbow dislocation and the fact he has never visited a clinic to be weighed or measured. I know it sounds awful but i would love for social services to turn up one night mid week as i know they would find him asleep in the buggy and a neighbour watching him because they have gone out for a meal as they do this regularly

OP posts:

Heated · 14/11/2007 20:18

The rational, distanced part of me says inform social services as it would be awful if anything happened to him (well in a way it already is) but then the thought of him in care, away from the family who do love him...I don't really know enough about SS and how they operate and whether they would place him with you?

But there is also a part of me that thinks you should just unofficially keep him! I'm not sure your SIL would notice if he left.

MaureenMLove · 14/11/2007 20:50

Maybe its time you made some enquiries with social services about what would happen. You don't need to give your name to start with.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5