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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex H taking other kids to school tomorrow instead of his own

54 replies

greatweekend · 20/04/2021 00:19

My ex DH is always scheduled to take our 13 year old DS to his pre-school lesson on a Tuesday. Usually DS goes by train to school but on a Tuesday my ex DH takes him because it is very early morning and we live in a big city with school a few train stops away and a bus ride or long walk to the train station. I take our DD to school at the moment in the opposite direction because buses in the mornings are unreliable at the moment because of Covid (some are for school children and some are not - so all a bit haphazard going in).

So far so good.

Then my DS said to him tonight - see you in the morning - and ex DH then said oh no sorry I am taking the kids of a friend in tomorrow - another completely different and third direction - because her car has broken down. Ps this is purely a friend. He has a girlfriend.

So I am like urrrrr. When did this happen? What are we going to do? He said it’s none of your business what I do. And I am blowing it all out of proportion. My DS who is usually pretty cool was also upset.

As it is I am working full time (he is struggling to find full time work) and pay 80% of everything. I was taken to hospital in an ambulance 3 weeks ago with chest pains and fully checked out I am sure for stress. These little helps mean a lot to me.

AIBU - he is doing a favour for a friend
AINBU - he should help his kids and do his bit

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 20/04/2021 00:24

Of course he shouldn’t be doing a friend a favour and letting you pick up his parenting! I’m not sure what to do, you can’t make him parent unfortunately. Ask his parents to take ds because dad is off taking other peoples kids to school?

FortunesFave · 20/04/2021 00:26

He was massively unreasonable to just let you know so late...but...why can't a 13 year old take himself? Trains and buses are fine at that age.

YellowPurple · 20/04/2021 00:27

When was he going to tell you / Son?

Original poster
greatweekend · 20/04/2021 00:29

His parents live in another country and mine live about 4 hours drive away :-(

If he has said sorry I made a mistake then ok we can all make mistakes (despite me having written and printed out a schedule of each child’s pre and after school activities). But he shouted at me and said it’s none of my business. Cannot sleep just upset with the whole thing and knowing I am going to get up early with both kids to take them hoping they traffic won’t be hellish and I will be back for my first meeting...

Usually I take DD a back route but that is not poss if I take DS first.

I could let DS make his way in super early alone (or DD take a risk with the bus) but that just upsets me again that he has prioritised other kids over his own.

OP posts:
Original poster
greatweekend · 20/04/2021 00:31

@FortunesFave well firstly he didn’t let me know. We only found out when my DS said see you tomorrow dad this evening.

Secondly yes he could get up and take himself in - of course he could.

But that is not why I or my son are upset.

OP posts:
Original poster
greatweekend · 20/04/2021 00:33

My DS takes himself to school every other day by train btw. This is one exception where his dad takes him because it is very early. Like a treat for him.

OP posts:
BlackCatShadow · 20/04/2021 00:43

Of course you are both not being unreasonable to be upset. That’s a really shitty thing he did, especially not letting you know. I don’t know what you can do about it though. It’s shit when NRP are flaky. You just need to make alternative arrangements. But, kids remember these things and it does damage their relationship.

BlackCatShadow · 20/04/2021 00:52

Please don’t take this the wrong way but you need to take care of yourself. I know it’s bloody hard as a lone parent, especially dealing with an arsehole Ex, but making yourself ill won’t help.

timeisnotaline · 20/04/2021 02:23

Should your ds skip the activity? As a once off rather than mum covers for everything so dad can do whatever he wants. That way he can be very clear I didn’t go last week dad, are you going to be able to take me this week? And you can say I had a meeting and couldn’t get back in time if I took him, I can’t just drop my job because you feel like helping other kids instead of your own and don’t even tell him.

BlueDahlia69 · 20/04/2021 02:35

what a Prick...

Sorry to your Son too OP 🌸

Ericaequites · 20/04/2021 04:04

Put son in taxi. Bill Dad for taxi. Make sure he knows his son should come first.

Original poster
greatweekend · 20/04/2021 05:48

@timeisnotaline you know what the irony is. The pre-school lesson is actually a language class in ex DH’s native language. It’s not a language taught on usual curriculum which is why he does it as a pre-school lesson. This is why he gets taken by his dad usually - and it is so that he is able to speak his dad’s language and communicate with his family there.

OP posts:
Original poster
greatweekend · 20/04/2021 05:55

@BlackCatShadow you are right and it was scary when it happened 3 weeks ago. I took a couple of days off work and took it easy and have now booked a few days away too. I have drastically cut down alcohol which I was using as a stress coper and am trying to eat and exercise regularly. And usually it is fine until surprises like this pop out of the blue in a well oiled finely strung machine of life. And it’s like eh?

OP posts:
ilovepuppies2019 · 20/04/2021 06:05

Your ex DH is horrible. Your poor son, he must be so upset to know that he st the bottom of your ex DH's priorities. I wouldn't engage with him on this as he can tell you that it's none of your business. I would have DS simply miss the lesson. He will be up so early and everyone will be stressed, it'a just not worth it. Then I would have DS ring his dad after school and tell him that he missed the lesson because he wouldn't pick him up and he is incredibly frustrated. Will he be there to pick him up next week? I know that DS misses out and there not fair but you can't pick up the parenting slack for him or he won't understand that there are consequences for DS. Early mornings are very unappealing at that age so I would've be surprised if DS would rather skip it than get the train ever earlier than normal. Let your ex DH understand from his son that he missed our because of his flakiness. It will only impact him if the message comes from your son and there was a tangible loss. Sorry you're going through thism

sassbott · 20/04/2021 06:12

If he does it again? Bin the pre school lesson off.

And at 13 if your son is disappointed in his father - you don’t need to get involved (or stressed), his son can ask him directly as to why he didn’t take him.

You’re not Wonder Woman and under no onus to ensure everything gets done all the time.

MakingPlans21 · 20/04/2021 06:15

OP I would be furious about this. Prioritising someone else’s children above his own DS. Simultaneously making your life harder. And not even telling you to boot. You need to have a word: sounds like something else is happening.

Which city is it?

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 20/04/2021 06:15

Sounds like he's not sticking with the one girlfriend and is getting defensive about it.

Crap for your son, but not something you can control.

Mayra1367 · 20/04/2021 06:20

He’s letting his own son down which your son is old enough to remember in years to come . He obviously wants to make himself look good in front of his friends.

user1471462428 · 20/04/2021 06:24

I hope you’re not paying for the lesson. I think I would be telling your son that if it happens again the lessons stop. You need to prioritise yourself

custardbear · 20/04/2021 06:27

Your ex is an arse so be thankful he's your ex!
In the cold light of day tell him you abs your children expect more from him, and if he prioritises other children again before his own take a big step backwards, ultimately it affects you which is crappy.

I'm wondering if he's schmoozing this other mum!

sashh · 20/04/2021 06:31

One of my teachers had a phrase, "you didn't forget, you couldn't be bothered to remember"

This is his child and he should be a parent 100% of the time not just some of the time.

The other poster who suggested a taxi is bang on. If dad can't be bothered to take your ds he should pay for a taxi.

Oh and your ds needs an extra hug.

Wallywobbles · 20/04/2021 06:43

Ask him to
Pay for the lesson or explain that the lesson not happening.

Wallywobbles · 20/04/2021 06:43

Sorry may for a taxi or no lesson on this occasion seems fair.

RachelRavenR0th · 20/04/2021 06:56

I expect he agreed to it as he cares what other people think of him, and he needs to maintain a good guy persona, but he couldnt give a crap what you think of him.

Some people on here will always say yabu because their standards and expectations for fathers are on the floor.

Yanbu at all.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/04/2021 06:56

That is really rubbish of your ex. Does he like being the knight in shining armour or something? I agree with others saying if your ds isn’t up in time to take himself, he misses the lesson and if his dad can’t be bothered to take him, the result will be your ds stops learning the language. This would be a shame.

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