Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex H taking other kids to school tomorrow instead of his own

54 replies

greatweekend · 20/04/2021 00:19

My ex DH is always scheduled to take our 13 year old DS to his pre-school lesson on a Tuesday. Usually DS goes by train to school but on a Tuesday my ex DH takes him because it is very early morning and we live in a big city with school a few train stops away and a bus ride or long walk to the train station. I take our DD to school at the moment in the opposite direction because buses in the mornings are unreliable at the moment because of Covid (some are for school children and some are not - so all a bit haphazard going in).

So far so good.

Then my DS said to him tonight - see you in the morning - and ex DH then said oh no sorry I am taking the kids of a friend in tomorrow - another completely different and third direction - because her car has broken down. Ps this is purely a friend. He has a girlfriend.

So I am like urrrrr. When did this happen? What are we going to do? He said it’s none of your business what I do. And I am blowing it all out of proportion. My DS who is usually pretty cool was also upset.

As it is I am working full time (he is struggling to find full time work) and pay 80% of everything. I was taken to hospital in an ambulance 3 weeks ago with chest pains and fully checked out I am sure for stress. These little helps mean a lot to me.

AIBU - he is doing a favour for a friend
AINBU - he should help his kids and do his bit

OP posts:
Wiredforsound · 20/04/2021 07:04

Your DS will miss the lesson this week unless his father can find someone else to take him.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 20/04/2021 07:10

When was he planning to tell you of this change in arrangements (which is totally unreasonable - his own child should come before someone else's - he has no responsibility for other people's school run difficulties)?

Would you only have found out the following morning as you waited fro him to turn up and he didn't?

And your DS was rightly upset to not only have his routine disrupted at short notice, but to find that his dad din't give a monkey's about him!

Your ex is an *rse!

No the wonder you are feeling stressed, dealing with him on a regular basis.

BizzyBone · 20/04/2021 07:12

@RachelRavenR0th

I expect he agreed to it as he cares what other people think of him, and he needs to maintain a good guy persona, but he couldnt give a crap what you think of him.

Some people on here will always say yabu because their standards and expectations for fathers are on the floor.

Yanbu at all.

You’ve hit the nail on the head there. He cares what other people, think of him.

My ex dh is the same. Always wants to be seen as the good, helpful guy. Will stick his neck out for other people. He was even fired from a job once because he wanted to help out a friend and took some sick days, only to be caught out. He has a real hero complex, loves being the saviour of the day.

It’s hard for people to believe this is the same man who went to play football when I was miscarrying at 20 weeks. The same man who refused to pick up our dd from nursery, on the day after I’d had a c-section, because he was stressed so needed to go swimming to relax. He cared what everyone else thought of him, except for me I guess.

Original poster
greatweekend · 20/04/2021 07:15

@BizzyBone @RachelRavenR0th yep you’ve both hit the nail on the head. That’s exactly it. When I said - does the other mother know you are abandoning your DS he nearly lost it.

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 20/04/2021 07:21

I would miss todays lesson. Especially it being something that his father wanted him to learn!

ToastieSnowy · 20/04/2021 07:22

What a horrid man. Send your DS in on his usual train. Doesn’t matter about the lesson. I hope he’s the one that pays for the language lesson.

everythingbackbutyou · 20/04/2021 07:28

@BizzyBone, @RachelRavenR0th, totally this! Exdh is the same way - "If there is no payoff to a good deed or an audience to witness it, did it even happen?" is his credo.

Rabblemum · 20/04/2021 07:38

My ex used to do more for other people and their kids tan me, he was a narcissist. My ex wanted to look like a good person to feed his enormous ego rather than be a good person.

Glad he's your ex, find other arrangements.

Your son is 13, he will see his dad exactly for what he is, be there for the fall out.

Never relay on your ex, he's totally out for himself.

MrsBobDylan · 20/04/2021 07:45

Definitely don't run yourself ragged to get him to the lesson op, cancel it, am sure ds will love an extra lie in!

timeisnotaline · 20/04/2021 07:46

[quote greatweekend]@timeisnotaline you know what the irony is. The pre-school lesson is actually a language class in ex DH’s native language. It’s not a language taught on usual curriculum which is why he does it as a pre-school lesson. This is why he gets taken by his dad usually - and it is so that he is able to speak his dad’s language and communicate with his family there.[/quote]
Well he definitely misses it then!! And tell him you will just cancel the class if this happens again, he can organise something on his contact time if it matters to him.

LannieDuck · 20/04/2021 07:48

I agree with the others - unless your son is desperate to go, tell him to have a week off the lesson.

Mix56 · 20/04/2021 07:59

I woud ask DS if he wants to continue with these lessons, & if not bothered.
I would then tell your Tosser of an XH, not to worry, DS has jacked in these lessons that everyone is bending over backwards to organise.
& not to ask why.

SpaceBatAngelDragon · 20/04/2021 08:11

Don't get involved in this any more. The lesson isn't essential school work or something that benefits you and your relationship with DS. It is for Ex's benefit. If it's every week at the same time, there's no way he "forgot". That is just bullshit. He just either does not care enough about his DS learning the language, does not care that he is losing an important bonding time with his own son, or does not care that he is burdening you with one more responsibility when you are stretched to breaking point. Don't pick up his slack. Let your DS have a lie in and do your regular morning routine.

Tooshytoshine · 20/04/2021 08:11

Either your ex is a feckless arseholes or he is lying about what he is doing.

Could he have a job interview or health thing that he just doesn't want to discuss and is stressing him out. Still an arseholes to let down his son but perhaps more forgivable than prioritizing somebody else's kids over his own

SpaceBatAngelDragon · 20/04/2021 08:13

And if you are paying for these lessons, stop. This language has nothing to do with you or the family unit you have built with your children. It is down to your Ex to pay for and facilitate the learning of his language.

BlessedDD · 20/04/2021 08:34

I do feel like I should say your DS should miss the lesson but the other side of it is that you’re teaching your son not to do his learning if someone lets you down - BUT on this occasion I think cos your son is 13 he will understand that the lesson is related to his father etc and actually the reason he’s not going is cos his Dad isn’t taking to him. Better for him to know what his father is like

Original poster
greatweekend · 20/04/2021 08:35

So on the lessons - it isn’t as easy as just sacking them off. My DS really wants to do them. He is proud of his dual nationality and enjoys speaking with his cousins and grandparents there. He is bilingual and the reason he is having the lessons is so he can do his GCSE in it end of next year. It’s a big skill and qualification for him and I don’t want to take that away from him. Luckily I don’t pay because the school do it for him 1-1 as he is bilingual. It is a language taught there but not a main one and if any kids do do it they do it as beginners only. So they are doing him a favour too pre-school which is really nice. He is also a kind, conscientious and sensitive boy. He knows his DF has been a dick.

Anyway am back from a 90 minute heavy traffic trip but they are both in and I can now have a coffee before my 9 o’clock. Thanks for all the support and letting me vent my disappointment.

OP posts:
Aprilinspringtimeshower · 20/04/2021 08:36

No lift, no lesson..if it is for ex’s benefit that your son speaks this language or your son does it for his fathers sake. Not your problem. Just send ex a message to say that if he can’t be bothered to take son to the lesson then you can’t be bothered to facilitate it either. Missing 1 week won’t make a difference and sends a message to ex that you’re not there to mama be his arrangements for him

Original poster
greatweekend · 20/04/2021 08:37

Ah and the big irony is that I was reprimanded the other week for asking my DH to take younger DD to school at the last minute (DS usually takes himself). Apparently I shouldn’t ask him at short notice. Oh the irony.

OP posts:
HoldontoOneMoreDay · 20/04/2021 08:42

You're a great mum. Seriously. Bloody brilliant. I would have made DS miss the lesson because I was angry at EXDH, but clearly a lot of other people are working really hard (including DS) so he can develop this brilliant skill of being bi-lingual, so you chose to be the bigger person. Thanks for you, Biscuit for your Ex.

BobLemon · 20/04/2021 08:55

YABU to nearly write a completely reasonable OP but then drop in a ride in the nee naw vans. Saving grace is not using the word “rushed”, so you get a YANBU to your question.

Holly60 · 20/04/2021 09:00

I would ask his girlfriend what she thinks about the favour he is doing for this woman...

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 20/04/2021 09:02

Of course he shouldn’t be letting his own child down in favour of someone else’s, ever.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/04/2021 09:09

Well your ex is a dick, isn't he, to happily prioritise doing a favour for some random "friend" and drop his son like a hot brick.

I also would have suggested dumping that lesson until I read your update - but I would tell your ex that if he plans on doing this regularly, then you cannot accommodate that lesson regardless of your son's feelings. Depends on whether or not your ex cares about his son doing this GCSE in his native language or not, I guess - obviously this won't work if he doesn't give a shit!

So annoyed for your DS though - for him to realise that his Dad can do that so easily. :(

Notaroadrunner · 20/04/2021 09:38

While it's upsetting for Ds, I wouldn't be making myself available if this happens again. Tell Dh this was a one off and that if he won't put Ds first at all times, that you won't be stepping in to cover for him. Tell Ds that unfortunately you won't be able to bring him if his dad won't. Otherwise you'll be left running round like an idiot while nobody else is put out.