My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 2)

[workworkworkugh]

Just opening a new thread as I believe the other one is getting full.
Will try and link the old one

Geez it's a complete hostage situation complete with Stockholm syndrome :(

My heart goes out to you OP, it really does. This is such an agonizing situation. The codeword/phrase is such a good idea, I hope you get a chance to suggest that to him soon. He may not like the idea now but one day he may be grateful and use it.

Also, I thought your DS was only staying at her house part time. Is he coming back to stay at your house when she's at her dad's?

Oh dear-what are you going to do Op`?

I thought he was just staying the week.

Well, if he needs stuff, he fetches it imo.

Why should it be bagged up & ready & waiting for him?

He's moved out by choice-he doesn't get to call the shots!

And wasn't a condtion of him moving out that he kept up with his sports?

Tbh if he wants something; he comes in and gets it. No taking things outside and allowing him the easy way out. You're not room service!

I personally wouldn't be paying for phone, pocket money (and I'd be considering why I pay for school if indeed it's a school you have to pay for) - enabling him.

I haven't read the full thread so don't know if it has been mentioned but have you tried watching/getting him to watch the story of Alex Skeel?

www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/81a8f303-5849-45b8-85a0-e8532b5d948b

TW it shows awful injuries etc but his GF started out controlling etc before she became violent.

@Walkerbean16

I haven't read the full thread so don't know if it has been mentioned but have you tried watching/getting him to watch the story of Alex Skeel?

www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/81a8f303-5849-45b8-85a0-e8532b5d948b

TW it shows awful injuries etc but his GF started out controlling etc before she became violent.

This would definitely be a very good thing for your son to read @workworkworkugh. I don’t think it should come from you or your DH though. Maybe you could get a third party, a friend or someone to send him the link when he’s at work or school when she’s not around so he can read it when he’s away from her. They would need to make sure he never knew it came from you.

@Walkerbean16

I haven't read the full thread so don't know if it has been mentioned but have you tried watching/getting him to watch the story of Alex Skeel?

www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/81a8f303-5849-45b8-85a0-e8532b5d948b

TW it shows awful injuries etc but his GF started out controlling etc before she became violent.

It's been posted many times on the threads already.

In your very first posts at the end of last year you said he was “scared” and in the most recent dialogue with his GP he told them he is “scared”

That’s what’s keeping him immobilised - fear is his core emotion - he is in the trauma “fright” and “freeze” response to a system of abuse by the GF which is enabled and/or groomed by her parents.

He is kicking out at you due to his deep distress and fear of her. His behaviour towards you and your family needs to be seen in this context.

"I personally wouldn't be paying for phone, pocket money (and I'd be considering why I pay for school if indeed it's a school you have to pay for) - enabling him."

I do think that if he wants those things he should be living at home like the currently dependent child he is.

But I'd also be wary of making him financiall dependent on his abuser(s)?

It is hard to think of a child in an abusive relationship with another child.

In theory, he can just walk away & go to his parents.

He believes THEIR narrative now, this is bad.

Keep going with the grey rock technique OP. Not easy I know.

Really glad you’re going to watch his game 👍🏻

He feels guilty that’s why he doesn’t want to see your face.

He still is very young, too young to really understand the effect this is having on you the wider family.

However - deep down he will be aware he is taking the piss. And he is fully safe in the knowledge that you will be there to pick him up when it all falls to shit.

Go to the match. Wave. Enjoy it. Your there also watching the rest of the team. Your team too.

I wouldnt approach him and I’d wave when you were leaving with smiley ‘good job!’ faces.

The GF and mother will be ready for a shoot out. Don’t give them one.

Keep calm, back off a bit he will be back

@workworkworkugh

May be worth getting a new thread set up and link back here as this one will quickly fill up. Lots of posters on here want to keep supporting you.

OP I wonder if he doesn't want to see you because he may have an injury? Is that out of the question?

Set up the code. Tell him that no matter what happens he will be welcomed home with open arms, no questions.

He needs to know this that you'll always have his back regardless of how bad it gets. He will come round. You haven't lost him forever.

@MadinMarch

I'm not minimising it at all. Far from it. I can see the toll that it is clearly having on the OP. I have faced many difficulties in my own life and suffered from anxiety. And I know that it is massively important to take a break in order to help the anxiety/worry from spiralling. And I also think that being as calm and less reactionary in this situation as possible is important, having watched my sister go through something similar as a teenager. My mother over reacted /tried to control but it resulted in my sister cutting herself off from friends and family and, at one point, quite literally disappearing for several years.

My mother over reacted /tried to control but it resulted in my sister cutting herself off from friends and family and, at one point, quite literally disappearing for several years.

Nice.

If the OPs son loses contact with her, it will be because he is the victim of coercive control, not because she has overreacted.

The OP has been considered and measured in all her actions throughout and the is no sign of her experiencing excessive or spiralling anxiety. Her reaction is a normal response to an abnormal and distressing situation.

Make him come into the house to get his stuff himself. Why should you do that and leave it outside?

@tara66

Make him come into the house to get his stuff himself. Why should you do that and leave it outside?

So the narrative will now be.. his Mum/OP and Dad/DH have thrown him out, they are the enemy, they have caused all this trauma, driven GF to self harm and threaten suicide.

Popping home to collect some bits, doesn't fit that narrative, so they MUST leave his belongings outside the front door, so neighbours etc can see that Mum/OP and Dad/DH are lying. When they are not.

Don't fall for it OP. I agree with @tara66 make him come inside and collect whatever he needs.

It's all so horribly manipulative controlling and gas lighting.

@Wishihadanalgorithm

I have read both threads but never posted. This time though I have to ask, why on earth is the GF’s mother wanting him to stay with her? What is in it for her?

To the PP who said she is grooming the son, I totally agree. This is beyond all levels of fucked up.

I don’t have any advice for the OP, other than I think you need to ensure DS knows he is always very much loved and wanted at home and you will be there when he wants to return. After that, OP, you need to protect yourself.

The mother is a lazy parent who doesn't want to deal with her daughters issues properly so that's why it suits her to have him around, she doesn't have to deal with the hysterics or actually try to get some proper help for her daughter.

I would be telling him to come in and get his stuff too. No way would I be leaving it on the doorstep.

You mention he missed training. Are the club aware of any of this situation? Playing in the match might require attendance at the training sessions; perhaps the coach might point this out to him? Just a suggestion.

I feel that he doesn't want to come into the house because he doesn't want to deal with you face to face - either because he thinks you'll kick off/ be sad at him, OR because he's actually feeling so bad about moving out that he thinks he'll lose the strength to go back to GF's once he's in your house again.
Personally I think it's probably the first rather than the latter, but who knows.

I agree that you should not facilitate this behaviour though. Tell him that, if he wants his stuff, then he must come in and collect it himself, you won't be doing it.

Part of the reason you shouldn't do it is because it will also feed into his narrative that you want him gone - which of course you don't - but he could take it as confirmation that you do.

Another part is that he's decided he wants to be independent of you, so why should you do his dirty work for him? Let him do it himself.

Hopefully he'll choose to come and talk to you at the game tomorrow, but even if he doesn't, he'll have seen that you came, and he'll know that you still care and support him.

I would make him come in and fetch his stuff - no way would I play to his tune.