AIBU not to mark my parents' wedding anniversary?

[mrsW2005]

I don't want to drip feed into but also don't want to overdo it so I'll be as quick as I can...

Dad died nearly ten years ago. Prior to that he was ill and mum wasn't particularly supportive of him, and prior to that they had talked about getting divorced but never did. Pride/ money / family reasons - the usual. Just not very happy.

Since he died, mum is extremely touchy about stuff like his birthday, and the anniversary of his death etc. Understandable but I always struggle to know what to do. Sometimes we go to the church where he's buried, sometimes not. This week was their wedding anniversary and I didn't "do" anything and also didn't visit because of Covid. I would have been allowed to, but I've been out a lot this week and got my hair cut etc so I didn't feel like putting mum at risk - she's 75 and has had both jabs but isn't through the two weeks yet after the last one.

She is now in a strop with me for not visiting or marking the day. I'm really upset but also confused. What do others do on their parents' anniversary? I'm interested in answers from those who still have both parents and also those who have lost a parent. Genuinely don't know how kids "celebrate" their parents' anniversaries as I've never witnessed it being celebrated at all in my family.

Also for context they never celebrated their wedding anniversary in my entire memory.

I don't even do something on my own anniversary most years so yeah nothing? I didn't realise it was a thing to celebrate other peoples anniversary (unless it was a big one and they were having a party or something)

My parents (both still alive and together) have never done anything to celebrate so I sure as heck don't / won't! I couldn't even tell you the date of it.

I normally send a card.
When one of them dies I will ring the remaining one up on the day.

I think this is less about their anniversary, because most people don't mark the anniversary of others, but more about your mother wanting some acknowledgement that he isn't here anymore. That's she isn't alone. That you 'get it'. That you know she is missing him. I would absolutely send a 'thinking of you' card or flowers/chocolate/other small gift in this situation.

I never celebrated my mum and stepdads wedding anniversary, never thought about it.
However funnily enough since she died four years ago we have always visited her grave in that day. I know I can think about her/ visit any time, but it actually helps having a day to anchor feelings to (along with her birthday) if that makes sense.
It’s a bit like sending my DH a valentines card, I tell him I love him all year around but it’s good to have a day to totally acknowledge that.

I haven’t ever celebrated a wedding anniversary unless a family member has planned a meal / small party to celebrate a large number of years. I see it more as you are invited to something they have planned.

My mum died more recently but on the two anniversaries since she died, my sibling and I have acknowledged the date with my dad. The first year especially as it was still only a few months after she’d gone so we gave my dad flowers and a card.

The second year we acknowledged it when we spoke in the run up to the date and on the day and I think my sister took him some flowers. I couldn’t see him due to covid.

The year after DDad died I rang DM on his birthday to check how she was...she was perplexed. In life they’d never expected us to celebrate their wedding anniversary and she’d never expect that now. Of course I’m in touch regularly (and do make more effort now she’s alone at home) but frankly, even with COVID she’s got a better social life than I do!

On the 1st anniversary of films death we went over to see mil. We prayed and then had a meal, she got comfort with us being around. The next anniversary I will have a young baby but will still pop over or invite her to ours. She has two sons and she wants them around her on that day. Her and fil were in live right until the end and it has only been 18 months since we lost him.

I'd have phoned your mum and probably would have popped in tbh.

Sorry, I thought you were talking about the anniversary of his death. On their wedding anniversary I just gave mil a call to check she was OK we didn't pop over. Yanbu

I don't even know when my parents wedding anniversary was. I've certainly never known anyone but the couple themselves to celebrate a wedding anniversary

My parents are alive and have been married since 1985. I usually just text to say happy anniversary.

My mum has moaned about not getting cards in the past but I think she feels put out because their anniversary is also my dad’s birthday and she can’t bear not being the centre of attention.

Tomorrow is my 5th wedding anniversary and so far she has been surprised by it every year!

I just send my mum and dad a card on their wedding anniversary, they would maybe organise a party if it was a big one but not otherwise. When one of them dies I think I would phone to check they were okay on their wedding anniversary; as they were happily married and that date would upset them .
But as yours don't sound like they were happily married it's a bit of a strange one, and I can understand you wouldn't be sure if it would effect your mum that much.
. But I think I would start acknowledging it to be on the safe side.

Why don't you tell her it was confusing for you at the time and still is and open a dialogue.

I have no idea when my parents anniversary is.

Don't even know when it is. If he died 10 years ago what's happened every other anniversary?

Would you not point out that because they didn't make anything of it when he was alive, that you wouldn't have thought it was something she'd want to do now that he's dead. I wouldn't let her get away with trying to make you feel bad. An anniversary is between the married couple, not the entire family. She was surely free to visit his grave if she wanted without you having to go.

I am very much of the view that anniversaries are entirely a matter for the couple in question. I have been to lunches for grandparents or parents ruby / golden etc and bought presents as it's a occasion I have been invited to share, but otherwise I don't send cards / texts for anyone's. As far as I am aware no one is hideously offended.

My mil sends us an anniversary card every year, I find it odd tbh. My mum probably couldn't remember the month never mind the year, but we do have a ridiculously large family.

Anniversaries are between the couples, if you can even be bothered with that.

I had a similar thing with my mum. Her and my dad were unhappily married for 40 years! They never did anything for it when they were married. Me and siblings bought them a clock for their 25 th, we were teens. They laughed.
I refused to get drawn in!

My dad passed away 20+ years ago and we don’t mark his birthday or mum and dad’s wedding anniversary. We are religious so remember him through prayer.

Thanks everyone who has replied so far! In answer to the question why don't I open a dialogue - I truly would love to, but also she can be extremely irate and unreasonable, so I doubt it would go well, and it's always just kind of been the case that we put up with whatever she does and we don't challenge her. Also, as she gets older and with COVID and everything, I want to be as kind as possible and avoid conflict. Of course I understand it's rough for her and I don't intentionally want to make it worse. But at the same time it's nice to hear from you all with some backup that I'm not being entirely unreasonable!

@Angrypregnantlady

Don't even know when it is. If he died 10 years ago what's happened every other anniversary?

Her reaction / preferences change every year. Last year she didn't say anything but I guess we were all preoccupied with lockdown etc and I got a "pass"

I didn't really celebrate my anniversary when DH was alive besides exchanging cards and maybe having a nice dinner, and I certainly didn't expect anyone else to remark on it in any way. However, now he's dead it is a very hard day for me and I would be upset if my very close family didn't reach out to me on that day, if I'm honest.

My parents got married on one of our immediate family member's birthdays, so we don't do anything, beyond maybe saying 'happy anniversary' if we see them as part of the birthday celebrations, but I forget to 9 times out of 10. My DH doesn't do anything for his parents either. Both sets are alive. I can understand the difficulty you're in as my parents have a pretty bad marriage and I'd find it very hard if after my dad died my mum suddenly wanted to make a 'thing' out of his birthdays and their anniversary.