AIBU not to mark my parents' wedding anniversary?

[mrsW2005]

I don't want to drip feed into but also don't want to overdo it so I'll be as quick as I can...

Dad died nearly ten years ago. Prior to that he was ill and mum wasn't particularly supportive of him, and prior to that they had talked about getting divorced but never did. Pride/ money / family reasons - the usual. Just not very happy.

Since he died, mum is extremely touchy about stuff like his birthday, and the anniversary of his death etc. Understandable but I always struggle to know what to do. Sometimes we go to the church where he's buried, sometimes not. This week was their wedding anniversary and I didn't "do" anything and also didn't visit because of Covid. I would have been allowed to, but I've been out a lot this week and got my hair cut etc so I didn't feel like putting mum at risk - she's 75 and has had both jabs but isn't through the two weeks yet after the last one.

She is now in a strop with me for not visiting or marking the day. I'm really upset but also confused. What do others do on their parents' anniversary? I'm interested in answers from those who still have both parents and also those who have lost a parent. Genuinely don't know how kids "celebrate" their parents' anniversaries as I've never witnessed it being celebrated at all in my family.

Also for context they never celebrated their wedding anniversary in my entire memory.

We send a card to in laws and to my dad & stepmum and I ring my dad on what would have been his & my mum’s anniversary. I don’t visit or mark it, just phone.

[quote Happytentoes]@picklemewalnuts Are you my SIL? FIL dead for almost 30 years. She still counts the anniversaries. Next year would have been her 70th and she told DH that she expects him to remember ( as we forgot this year, apparently)
That said she forgot DH’s birthday last month...[/quote]
Haha no I'm not but yup that does sound like the kind of behaviour I'm talking about!!

@lovepickledlimes

I think the issue is not so much about the anniversary but your dm feeling left alone with her grief. My dad passed away 3.5 years ago and I make a point to check in on my grandmother on his birthday and they day he died as I know those days are particularly hard for her. I also try to check in on my mum with more care as I do realise they divorced when I was young she did share a child (me) with him so does have some feelings of loss.

You're absolutely right of course but the problem is I don't know how to mark it because mum is so difficult and changes mood with the wind. It's difficult to describe but she's not easy to deal with

@Justmuddlingalong

She's upset that you didn't mark their wedding anniversary when at one point they were contemplating divorce and he's been dead for almost a decade? I'm sorry you're feeling upset by her strop, but your DM's being totally ridiculous. Leave her to strop away. 💐

Thank you!!!

@blueberryporridge

My parents had been unhappily married for 41years when DF died. My mother is a bit of a pain (to put it mildly) but I do try to mark their wedding anniversary and his birthday by giving her some flowers or a plant for the garden etc. In my mind, it's completely different from marking the anniversary of a couple who are both still alive, and it helps me also to have a couple of times a year specifically to remember him. More generally, although DM is, as I say, a bit of a pain often, kindness costs nothing (or, at least, only the cost of the flowers, plants) and I think she appreciates it.

We need to chat I need tips on how to do this successfully. It's hard to describe how difficult it can be to hit the right mark

@VienneseWhirligig

I send a card and a gift to my parents each year and they used to do the same for us. But since DH died they have stopped marking our anniversary. I felt quite sad about it and asked why, and they said they thought it was weird to mark it now that he's dead.

It is a slightly different situation for us in that we always did something special, and our anniversary was important to us, whereas your parents didn't mark theirs in the same way. However grief does funny things to you and in my mind, ignoring my anniversary is a sign that DH is starting to be erased from family life. I can't explain it logically.

I'm so sorry for your loss. You have explained it well and it does make sense

@picklemewalnuts

Ha! Visiting particular places - roping as many of us in as she can Calling zoom meetings where we drink to his memory etc Actual get togethers (pre Covid)

It's an unending desire to have her DC and GC and great GC (so upset, they will forget him) spend time with her, look at dad's photo, etc.

Essentially she's a shocking attention seeker and now she doesn't have him waiting on her hand foot and finger, we are expected to step in.

If anyone thinks I sound absolutely callous toward a poor little old lady, believe me she's shocking in her behaviour toward everyone else. She's hard work and if you don't have a family member like her, then you won't be able to imagine it!

Yes! This!

@picklemewalnuts

Sounds like my mum. It's just another stick to beat you with/excuse to feel hard done by/neglected.

We have to mark late dad's:
birthday, Christmas, Fathers' Day, wedding anniversary, the day he died, day of funeral.

And obviously her Bday, Mothering Sunday etc.

It's unrelenting. Regular admonishments for not grieving properly, supporting her in her grief, regularly sent links to tv programmes that we really must watch it's so important to know how to support people who are grieving etc.

Exhausting. And just one symptom of her endless quest to be at the front of your mind at all times.

Mum is less direct than this but the underlying issue is the same. I also don't mean to be callous at all. It's just tricky to know what to say and also of course it was my dad and I'm also sad, and not always able to give her what she needs

@peachgreen

I think comparing with anniversaries of couples where both are alive is unhelpful. It's not the same thing.

This is true, yes, but I'm also just curious about this as I didn't have a good role model of how families deal with anniversaries during lifetime (let alone after death)

@mrsW2005 I totally get that my mother is like that. She will ask me to do something (such as lend my dad money) then 2 days later have a go at me for doing what she asked me to do. It can be frustrating. The only way I can deal with it is to try leave as much room for flexibility of her changing her mind.

Never mind anniversaries, have you ever spoken to her about your father's death? Has their been any kind of shared grieving between you? Any kind of conversation about the state of their relationship prior to his death. Because chances are she's got all of that messing up her head.

My own mum is bloody hard work. But she keeps everything close to her chest. I have no idea when my DP wedding anniversary is and they've been married 45 plus years. I actually think it might be 50 this year or next. She has no mechanism for expressing emotions, other than through anger, and so her way of dealing with anything is by lashing out at everyone close to her. We've had a recent bereavement in the family and it's ramped her up. I'm trying my hardest to be the opposite of her, talking about and expecting my feelings even if it is so bloody hard because she never taught me how to do it.

Yanbu

It's been ten years. That's a long time to acknowledge the wedding anniversary of somebody who passed away a decade ago . Birthdays could be different but if they were not happily married, it's not fair of your mum to make you feel guilty

My parents don't really care about that. I organised small family celebrations and did anniversary videos with their wedding photos on the 25th, 30th and 35th anniversaries, but that's it. They seemed pleased but never really cared whether I was planning to do it or not. My grandparents never celebrated their anniversaries either and when my grandma passed away, my grandad never wanted us to make their wedding anniversary day special. Everyone is different, though, and if you do a little something to mark this day, like a wedding anniversary video or a memorial slideshow, or just flowers, I think your DM will appreciate that.

@KindleRemote

Never mind anniversaries, have you ever spoken to her about your father's death? Has their been any kind of shared grieving between you? Any kind of conversation about the state of their relationship prior to his death. Because chances are she's got all of that messing up her head.

My own mum is bloody hard work. But she keeps everything close to her chest. I have no idea when my DP wedding anniversary is and they've been married 45 plus years. I actually think it might be 50 this year or next. She has no mechanism for expressing emotions, other than through anger, and so her way of dealing with anything is by lashing out at everyone close to her. We've had a recent bereavement in the family and it's ramped her up. I'm trying my hardest to be the opposite of her, talking about and expecting my feelings even if it is so bloody hard because she never taught me how to do it.

Well this is a huge issue and complicated. I have always said she needs counselling (not just for this but for all sorts) but she refuses and has on occasions treated me as a counsellor / punchbag instead so these days I am wary of it as I find it so difficult.

@FearlessSwiftie

My parents don't really care about that. I organised small family celebrations and did anniversary videos with their wedding photos on the 25th, 30th and 35th anniversaries, but that's it. They seemed pleased but never really cared whether I was planning to do it or not. My grandparents never celebrated their anniversaries either and when my grandma passed away, my grandad never wanted us to make their wedding anniversary day special. Everyone is different, though, and if you do a little something to mark this day, like a wedding anniversary video or a memorial slideshow, or just flowers, I think your DM will appreciate that.

I think you're right but I'll admit I would find that tough, given the reality was they didn't always get on and the difficulties we as a family experienced when he was ill. Also we're just not a hugely sentimental family - birthdays and other events go by without any fanfare, too, and we take our lead from her

My parents are both still here. For their 30th a few years ago I organised a nice card with some family photos from their wedding, us as kids and the grandkids and pets on it (kind of the story that happened after the day) and the 3 if us chipped in for a voucher fir a meal fod them, thus was before covid. We don't normally do anything. Unfortunately my dad forgot on the day so it backfired a bit that we gave them a gift and he had to rush out on thr day 🤦‍♀️.
My MIL and FIL have been split for almost 30 years and FIL died 2 years ago, MIL now tries to insist on visiting a special place on the day of their first date (they didn't get married) and his birthday and I find that odd and attention seeking as she really didn't like him very much when he was alive.