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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to mark my parents' wedding anniversary?

66 replies

mrsW2005 · 19/04/2021 13:16

I don't want to drip feed into but also don't want to overdo it so I'll be as quick as I can...

Dad died nearly ten years ago. Prior to that he was ill and mum wasn't particularly supportive of him, and prior to that they had talked about getting divorced but never did. Pride/ money / family reasons - the usual. Just not very happy.

Since he died, mum is extremely touchy about stuff like his birthday, and the anniversary of his death etc. Understandable but I always struggle to know what to do. Sometimes we go to the church where he's buried, sometimes not. This week was their wedding anniversary and I didn't "do" anything and also didn't visit because of Covid. I would have been allowed to, but I've been out a lot this week and got my hair cut etc so I didn't feel like putting mum at risk - she's 75 and has had both jabs but isn't through the two weeks yet after the last one.

She is now in a strop with me for not visiting or marking the day. I'm really upset but also confused. What do others do on their parents' anniversary? I'm interested in answers from those who still have both parents and also those who have lost a parent. Genuinely don't know how kids "celebrate" their parents' anniversaries as I've never witnessed it being celebrated at all in my family.

Also for context they never celebrated their wedding anniversary in my entire memory.

OP posts:
fairislecable · 19/04/2021 14:53

What does she do on your Anniversary?

peachgreen · 19/04/2021 14:58

I think comparing with anniversaries of couples where both are alive is unhelpful. It's not the same thing.

stackemhigh · 19/04/2021 15:00

Surely you would remember him on the day he died or on his birthday, not on his wedding anniversary?! Particularly as it sounds like they didn't even like each other.

SeventyEleven · 19/04/2021 15:01

@peachgreen

I think comparing with anniversaries of couples where both are alive is unhelpful. It's not the same thing.
I agree. Although we did always send my parents a card on their anniversary it’s much more important now to acknowledge the day to my dad as he no longer has someone else with him who will do so. Even if they hadn’t acknowledged it themselves for the past 40 plus years it’s still a date that will remind him that my mum is no longer around.
GnomeDePlume · 19/04/2021 15:05

For me wedding anniversaries are for the couple to decide how they want to celebrate. If other people choose to send a card/greeting then that is a bonus!

DF died many years ago. I feel that it is up to my DM to decide if she wants the day marked or not. She wanted to mark what would have been their golden wedding anniversary and we did so by going out for a family meal.

In a few months time DH and I will be celebrating our 30th anniversary and DD and DSiL will be celebrating their first. I will mark their first anniversary as much as anything because their wedding day itself was so restricted.

MissSmiley · 19/04/2021 15:26

My munis a similar age and my dad died 12 years ago, it would have been their 50th wedding anniversary last week, I texted her, she was more remembering that it was 50 years since she got married than about the actual anniversary, she's enjoys the memories

picklemewalnuts · 19/04/2021 15:59

Sounds like my mum. It's just another stick to beat you with/excuse to feel hard done by/neglected.

We have to mark late dad's:
birthday, Christmas, Fathers' Day, wedding anniversary, the day he died, day of funeral.

And obviously her Bday, Mothering Sunday etc.

It's unrelenting. Regular admonishments for not grieving properly, supporting her in her grief, regularly sent links to tv programmes that we really must watch it's so important to know how to support people who are grieving etc.

Exhausting. And just one symptom of her endless quest to be at the front of your mind at all times.

stackemhigh · 19/04/2021 16:01

And how does she mark the days, @picklemewalnuts ? Or does she just expect everyone else to mark them?

picklemewalnuts · 19/04/2021 16:07

Ha!
Visiting particular places - roping as many of us in as she can
Calling zoom meetings where we drink to his memory etc
Actual get togethers (pre Covid)

It's an unending desire to have her DC and GC and great GC (so upset, they will forget him) spend time with her, look at dad's photo, etc.

Essentially she's a shocking attention seeker and now she doesn't have him waiting on her hand foot and finger, we are expected to step in.

If anyone thinks I sound absolutely callous toward a poor little old lady, believe me she's shocking in her behaviour toward everyone else. She's hard work and if you don't have a family member like her, then you won't be able to imagine it!

stackemhigh · 19/04/2021 16:25

Sounds like OP's mum is similar, pickle ! My sympathies!

Missfelipe · 19/04/2021 16:33

When we were younger we were expected to get my parents something on their anniversary...in fact my Dad would give us money so that we could buy something as kids. I only realised this was weird as I got older and of course had my own money. I just decided to stop it one year and haven’t done anything for it since. It didn’t go down well initially. I’m sure my mother would react in the same way as yours OP in those circumstances. They don’t acknowledge their adult children’s wedding anniversaries so I don’t really see why they expect it from us.

VienneseWhirligig · 19/04/2021 16:40

I send a card and a gift to my parents each year and they used to do the same for us. But since DH died they have stopped marking our anniversary. I felt quite sad about it and asked why, and they said they thought it was weird to mark it now that he's dead.

It is a slightly different situation for us in that we always did something special, and our anniversary was important to us, whereas your parents didn't mark theirs in the same way. However grief does funny things to you and in my mind, ignoring my anniversary is a sign that DH is starting to be erased from family life. I can't explain it logically.

Cadent · 19/04/2021 16:42

@VienneseWhirligig

I would tell them how you feel. If they don’t agree then I would stop marking theirs.

Maggiesfarm · 19/04/2021 16:47

I didn't mark my parents wedding anniversary, I didn't even know the date except it was in July sometime. My in laws married in August and I never knew the date either.

It doesn't seem to bother them.

You can't be expected to honour the day, your mother can if she chooses.

blueberryporridge · 19/04/2021 16:47

My parents had been unhappily married for 41years when DF died. My mother is a bit of a pain (to put it mildly) but I do try to mark their wedding anniversary and his birthday by giving her some flowers or a plant for the garden etc. In my mind, it's completely different from marking the anniversary of a couple who are both still alive, and it helps me also to have a couple of times a year specifically to remember him. More generally, although DM is, as I say, a bit of a pain often, kindness costs nothing (or, at least, only the cost of the flowers, plants) and I think she appreciates it.

Blondeshavemorefun · 19/04/2021 17:19

My mum died almost 7yrs ago. 2mths off their 50th wa 😢

I will always mention in my nightly email to my dad. Dead so we email a lot , that thinking of him etc

TwoZeroTwoZero · 19/04/2021 17:25

I usually text or message my mum on my step-dad's birthday, their anniversary and on the anniversary of his death. They were happy together though.

I never bothered with their wedding anniversary when he was alive though.

Happytentoes · 19/04/2021 17:33

@picklemewalnuts Are you my SIL? FIL dead for almost 30 years. She still counts the anniversaries. Next year would have been her 70th and she told DH that she expects him to remember ( as we forgot this year, apparently)
That said she forgot DH’s birthday last month...

iolaus · 19/04/2021 17:33

Normally nothing but my father died earlier this year, I will try to remember to contact or visit my mum for their anniversary in August - same as I went there for his birthday

Crankley · 19/04/2021 17:37

I only ever celebrated my parents' 25th, 50th and 60th anniversary. I also sent a gift and card to my Aunt and Uncle's 70th anniversary.

Justmuddlingalong · 19/04/2021 17:40

She's upset that you didn't mark their wedding anniversary when at one point they were contemplating divorce and he's been dead for almost a decade? I'm sorry you're feeling upset by her strop, but your DM's being totally ridiculous. Leave her to strop away. 💐

M0rT · 19/04/2021 17:41

My parents are 41 years married and I think happy together.
On their bigger anniversaries we as siblings have pooled together, so for their 25th for example we sent them to Amsterdam for a week.
Normal years a few of us might remember to send a card and/or text.
The thing is though that they neither of them like fuss and still seem to think their children need to be protected.
So although whoever is left will probably be heartbroken on their anniversary they won't let on and we would have to "coincidentally" be calling if we wanted to offer comfort and support.
Because that's who they are.
Your DM seems to be contrary you could have called with flowers and she might say you were being maudlin. Can't win with contrary people!

HareIsland · 19/04/2021 17:43

I think anniversaries are purely for the couple (if they are the kind of couple who celebrate that kind of thing -- we don't, and DH's sister is horrified that I don't even know for sure which month we got married in!). I never mark my parents' anniversaries, though if one parent died, I probably would try to mark it in some way to prevent the survivor feeling very solitary about it.

RestingPandaFace · 19/04/2021 17:50

Anniversary- I never celebrated their anniversary when DF was alive except for their 25th when I organised a little family party. Since DF died I make a point of phoning on the day just to check in.

For DFs birthday I usually take some flowers to the crem but we’ve never done an organised thing.

lovepickledlimes · 19/04/2021 18:27

I think the issue is not so much about the anniversary but your dm feeling left alone with her grief. My dad passed away 3.5 years ago and I make a point to check in on my grandmother on his birthday and they day he died as I know those days are particularly hard for her. I also try to check in on my mum with more care as I do realise they divorced when I was young she did share a child (me) with him so does have some feelings of loss.

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