To think children shouldn't always get a choice about what they do

[Paaaaa]

We live within 5 mins of ex. Kids have 50:50 contact.

Ex has a really annoying habit of telling the kids they'll ask if they can come back here if they don't want to do whatever it is they are doing that day.

So say ex wants to go on a walk, I'll get a call to say they don't want to go and they've said they'll ask me if they can come back here whilst they go out.

AIBU to think children shouldnt always get a choice what they do? (Because I know full well that choice would be play Xbox all day!) If we are going for a walk or need to do shopping or whatever else when they are with us then sometimes it's just tough and they come whether they particularly want to or not.

I just feel like it's lazy parenting not wanting to deal with a tantrum about not wanting to do something.

[Shrivelled]

Tell him not to contact you when he’s parenting unless it’s an emergency.

[BluebellsGreenbells]

He asks because you say yes
If you said no every time he would give up asking

You need to take responsibility for your part in this

[ScrollingLeaves]

You are definitely not being unreasonable.

This is not just coming down to DC having too much choice.

It is also ExP having too much choice - taking them but then not feeling like dealing with them and sending them home.

This must make your own life very difficult too. It might even be easier to say, “Don’t take them at all then, if you are not also going to take responsibility.”

[TheGlassBlowersDaughter]

I understand why you answer the call but as soon as it's clear it's about him trying to drop the DCs back, you should just say, 'this isn't an emergency - I'm not at home and I'm confident you can parent the DCs through this'.

[oldwhyno]

Of course they shouldn't, and your ex is cherry picking his time with them. But this is really about you and your choices. Why are you allowing this to happen if you don't like it? Take control of the situation, and make it clear to your ex that it's not on unless there's some kind of emergency.

[Cameleongirl]

He's responsible for them during his access time, not you. What a lazy sod, dropping them back to you when they don't want to do an activity.

As PP's have said, that's not an option, you're not available!

[Inertia]

Two different issues I think.

I do think it’s important to try and find a way for everyone in the family to have some choices/ input wherever possible, though I accept this is logistically easier in a 2 parent household, and sometimes stuff has to be done and the kids just have to put up with it.

However, your ex is just being a lazy parent, and trying to palm off the shitty bits of parenting on to you. He needs to step up, and both he and the children need to be told that you/ your house won’t be available during his contact time.

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

"You have your days, I have mine"

If he rings, "I'm not in"

[nancywhitehead]

Children have to learn to cope with not getting their way all the time and not always having things as they want them. It's not creating a healthy dynamic to let them ring you and come home whenever their dad is doing something they don't fancy. They either do the activity with him, or he changes the activity to something more child-friendly. Coming back to you shouldn't be an option.

[Nousernameforme]

Just say
Dad will have to find something else fun for you all to do then. You will see the dc when it is time for them to be dropped off have a lovely time bye.

[NotSorry]

@LouKelly

Why are you shouting?

[Thighdentitycrisis]

He doesn’t want to say no to them

[LolaSmiles]

It doesn't sound like this is about children having too many choices, and it's more that your ex has found a way to conveniently get out of doing his share of parenting by choosing activities he knows they won't like and then pushes them back to you.

[newnortherner111]

YANBU. It is not setting up well for later life, indeed now for school and other activities they do.

[Clymene]

Just tell him you're not doing it anymore and don't answer the phone. If he drops them at your door, tell him that obviously he no longer wants 50/50 so you'll be seeking maintenance.

He's basically using you as an unpaid babysitter (as well as making himself fun dad and you boring mum).

Put a stop to it.

[Tangledtresses]

My ex used to pull this shit too.... I just ignore his calls and texts he doesn't do it anymore

[1forAll74]

The children should learn to stick it out when they go to their Dad''s, and the Father should organise something interesting, for them all to do.
Just remember, all these times will be memories for the children when they are older, and they don't need memories of any messing about issues regarding their visits to their Dad when they get older.

[Cocomarine]

@LouKelly

You are stressung yor kids out ,they are already stressed by the break up and now they must feel like ping pong balls ! Stop it ,take control ! They are children ! Not adults ! Limited capacity ! They must feel guilty and insecure ,you must stop this or they will only get more stressed .

Well that’s an over reaction 🤣

Stressed, guilty, insecure and ping pong balls?

Just because they can ask to go back to mum’s if they don’t fancy going out with dad? Don’t be silly.

They might well feel unwanted by dad, or dictated to, if he won’t change the activity. They might even feel a bit more powerful than is healthy if they get to call the shots.

But no need to assume they’re feeling guilty or stressed.

I’d be happy with this as a one off for a good reason. Say dad unexpectedly got given tickets for a theme park and one siblings hates scary rides - I’d have no problem with sending them back to me if a polite request. My XH and I would do this.

But if - as it sounds like here - dad just can’t be bothered to consider his kids in his plans, then he’s taking the piss.

[BornIn78]

I doubt this is about what the kids want at all. I think he's having you for a mug.

Ex gets a text from a mate asking if he wants to go out for a pint.

"Right kids, we're going for a looooong walk. Oh you don't want to come? OK I'll drop you back at your mums".

Job done, he's child free and gets to do what he wants.

Happy days for him, isn't it. You need to start making yourself completely unavailable when he has his children.

[daisyjgrey]

@LouKelly

And ! They will DEFINATELY feel as if NEITHER of you REALLY want them around ,KIDS ARE SENSITIVE ! YOU TWO ARE TREATING THEM like dogs that you need sitters for so you can go and have some fun of your own !

definately

Are you H?

[daisyjgrey]

@skirk64

Kids shouldn't get a choice. The parent should decide on an activity and the kids must do their best to enjoy it. Otherwise they will never try new things.

Children need to be taught that in life you can't do what you want, where you want, when you want. Most of life is a slog, going to work in a job you don't enjoy, then coming home and having to do housework, all the while worrying about bills.

Can I politely suggest a career change? Or a therapist?

[RoseMartha]

My ex has done something similar recently insisting it is the kids choice whether he joins us on the journey to a paid for by me weekly activity class they do. When really it is him getting to do something different out of area by himself. As when kids are in activity I have to hang about in car or go for a walk until it ends as it is too far to nip home.

Sending hug because your ex is unreasonable.

[Cocomarine]

@LouKelly

And ! They will DEFINATELY feel as if NEITHER of you REALLY want them around ,KIDS ARE SENSITIVE ! YOU TWO ARE TREATING THEM like dogs that you need sitters for so you can go and have some fun of your own !

I think you “DEFINATELY” need a bit of a lie down @LouKelly 🤣

[LouKelly]

Seriously ,they should re name this site ,its not mumsnet ! It should be called dragonsden !

[wesowereonabreak]

Looks like some people are enjoying the reopening of the pubs, that's nice!

Makes for posts making no sense whatsoever, but still.