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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think children shouldn't always get a choice about what they do

77 replies

Paaaaa · 19/04/2021 11:27

We live within 5 mins of ex. Kids have 50:50 contact.

Ex has a really annoying habit of telling the kids they'll ask if they can come back here if they don't want to do whatever it is they are doing that day.

So say ex wants to go on a walk, I'll get a call to say they don't want to go and they've said they'll ask me if they can come back here whilst they go out.

AIBU to think children shouldnt always get a choice what they do? (Because I know full well that choice would be play Xbox all day!) If we are going for a walk or need to do shopping or whatever else when they are with us then sometimes it's just tough and they come whether they particularly want to or not.

I just feel like it's lazy parenting not wanting to deal with a tantrum about not wanting to do something.

OP posts:
LouKelly · 19/04/2021 12:09

And ! They will DEFINATELY feel as if NEITHER of you REALLY want them around ,KIDS ARE SENSITIVE ! YOU TWO ARE TREATING THEM like dogs that you need sitters for so you can go and have some fun of your own !

Bibidy · 19/04/2021 12:13

@LouKelly

And ! They will DEFINATELY feel as if NEITHER of you REALLY want them around ,KIDS ARE SENSITIVE ! YOU TWO ARE TREATING THEM like dogs that you need sitters for so you can go and have some fun of your own !
Err this is a bit harsh??

They're meant to be spending time with their dad, that's important!

I don't see how OP has done anything wrong here, she should be able to rely on their other parent to care for them for the time he has them.

Original poster
Paaaaa · 19/04/2021 12:16

@LouKelly

And ! They will DEFINATELY feel as if NEITHER of you REALLY want them around ,KIDS ARE SENSITIVE ! YOU TWO ARE TREATING THEM like dogs that you need sitters for so you can go and have some fun of your own !
What the actual hell are you on about?

You've no idea that DC are stressed and they are absolutely not treated like dogs thank you very much. Split was a long time ago, they don't even remember a time when their parents were together.

When they are with me they are with me, I have never once asked ex to have them back so I can go out and do something fun (he'd say no even if I did which I wouldn't because I want them here). If we go out and do something we do it together when they are with me!

Ex is the one trying to palm them off when they are supposed to be spending time there.

OP posts:
BrumBoo · 19/04/2021 12:17

@LouKelly

And ! They will DEFINATELY feel as if NEITHER of you REALLY want them around ,KIDS ARE SENSITIVE ! YOU TWO ARE TREATING THEM like dogs that you need sitters for so you can go and have some fun of your own !
Who invited Jeremy Kyle? Life a bit boring since your show was cancelled, mate?
FeelinHappy · 19/04/2021 12:18

They need to feel wanted by your ex. It's a really fine line between them choosing to go to you rather than going on a walk, and feeling they ought to because Dad doesn't really want them, particularly if he is doing stuff they don't want to do.

He needs to find a different way forward without involving you, or the children won't feel secure with him. Bribe with ice-cream or a film later, lay down the law, compromise, whatever. It's not about never giving them the choice, it's about not leaving them responsible for which home they are in any given minute. Ex needs to show them that he wants them there for all his contact time.

Original poster
Paaaaa · 19/04/2021 12:21

@FeelinHappy

They need to feel wanted by your ex. It's a really fine line between them choosing to go to you rather than going on a walk, and feeling they ought to because Dad doesn't really want them, particularly if he is doing stuff they don't want to do.

He needs to find a different way forward without involving you, or the children won't feel secure with him. Bribe with ice-cream or a film later, lay down the law, compromise, whatever. It's not about never giving them the choice, it's about not leaving them responsible for which home they are in any given minute. Ex needs to show them that he wants them there for all his contact time.

This is how I feel.

They don't always want to do what I do with them either but I'll do things like say 'come on we'll get an ice-cream whilst were out' or whatever, sometimes I just tell them they have to because I'm their parent, sometimes we'll compromise and do something they want to as well.

I don't just say 'well I'm doing this so I'll ring and see if you can go to your Dad's if you don't want to'.

OP posts:
randomlyLostInWales · 19/04/2021 12:26

It is shit behavior from the ex.

What happens though if you don't answer?

DSis ex used to drop DN back if anyone was there or not -at slightest thing - or later drive few minutes earlier and drop at DGP even if she was in at her house. It did make DSis and our parents feel they couldn't do anything just in case - which I suspect might have been the point even though he left with OW then has a succession of GFs.

DN has little to do with him now.

Maggiesfarm · 19/04/2021 12:28

I can't imagine insisting on my children doing something they didn't want to unless it was essential. They should be given choices when it comes to leisure activities.

LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour · 19/04/2021 12:33

@skirk64

Kids shouldn't get a choice. The parent should decide on an activity and the kids must do their best to enjoy it. Otherwise they will never try new things.

Children need to be taught that in life you can't do what you want, where you want, when you want. Most of life is a slog, going to work in a job you don't enjoy, then coming home and having to do housework, all the while worrying about bills.

Jeez, that's a helluva miserable take on life.

One of the best things about being an adult is being able to choose. I choose not to stand freezing on a hockey pitch in January, I choose not to spend time with people who are unpleasant to me, I choose not to eat shit badly-cooked food, etc. (all things I endured but loathed as a child).

Instead I choose to do things I enjoy, with people I like. I choose a job that gives me a good life:work balance. I choose to go to places I find interesting, I choose when I go to bed, I choose who I go to bed with.

I disagree that children should never get a choice, but it depends on the situation, what alternatives are on offer and the age of the child. Surely it's part of growing up to learn to make sensible choices.

cherryblossom999 · 19/04/2021 12:34

Not necessarily about giving the kids a choice, more about your ex's attitude that he check in and out of parenting depending on his plans. If it is his contact time he should manage that however he needs to without using you as a back-up. You should be able to plan your time without kids without worrying about them possibly being given the option of coming home. If he has things he needs to do that he can't do with the kids or the kids won't do he tells them they are doing it or plans it for your contact time.

Hardbackwriter · 19/04/2021 12:34

@TheSmallAssassin

I don't think it's giving children a choice here that's the problem here, it's that your ex is offering an option that shouldn't be available. Either it's his time with the kids or yours, he shouldn't be offering your time as an option.
This. It's up to him whether when they say they don't want to go on a walk he makes them go or not. What is not ok is that he's created a situation where he, the ex, doesn't have to choose between making them do it or missing out on doing it himself!
FlibbertyGiblets · 19/04/2021 12:34

This is what I would consider for the next few contacts:
Wave off the children, and go out yourself, don't be at home, on hand and on tap. This might mean taking a book and a flask to the Arboretum, or getting hair done, seeing a chiro, taking advanced driving lessons, using a lesser known footpath to keep it in use, etc.
If you are not there then he can't send them back.

Candyfloss99 · 19/04/2021 12:36

It is you who can stop this though, just say no to your ex.

wesowereonabreak · 19/04/2021 12:36

There was a thread with posters pretending to be outraged at parents directing kids leisure activities.

Of course YANBU

It's lazy parenting otherwise. It might make your life easier, but it's not benefiting the kids in any way!

Even teens can't have free rein over their life, it's ridiculous.

harriethoyle · 19/04/2021 12:36

Yes @FlibbertyGiblets this is exactly what I was going to suggest. Just be out so he can't bring them home.

MrsAudreyShapiro · 19/04/2021 12:37

I was going to ask the same thing as LostInWales, what happens if you don't answer the phone or are not available?

Original poster
Paaaaa · 19/04/2021 12:38

@Maggiesfarm

I can't imagine insisting on my children doing something they didn't want to unless it was essential. They should be given choices when it comes to leisure activities.
Well I don't know about yours but if I never insisted they did anything they didn't want to they'd sit on Xbox every single day from morning until night.

I know my DC and I know that whilst they may moan a bit about going for a walk for example, they actually have a good time once they are out.

They do spend time doing what they want but I also can't spend my entire day sitting inside whilst they play games all day either. Sometimes I need to go shopping, sometimes we go for a walk, sometimes we do other fun things and others we stay in. Sometimes it's stuff they want to do, sometimes it's not, sometimes it's things they didn't think they wanted to do but end up enjoying it and so on.

OP posts:
B33Fr33 · 19/04/2021 12:39

If he's like my ex they get dropped on the doorstep and he fucks off anyway.

randomlyLostInWales · 19/04/2021 12:41

If you are not there then he can't send them back

As long as he's not the same kind of areshole as Dsis ex who'd just leave a very young distressed child on doorstep and just say Dsis needed to get back or get someone there immediately or on another family members doostep - might be worth doing.

BrumBoo · 19/04/2021 12:41

@Paaaaa, how old are your children? You mention 'sitting on the Xbox' a couple of times, which suggests to me they aren't that young.

Original poster
Paaaaa · 19/04/2021 12:45

8 & 10

OP posts:
CombatBarbie · 19/04/2021 12:50

I'd just start replying, no can do I am just on my way out.

His kids on his time, presumably he wanted the 50/50 care.

wesowereonabreak · 19/04/2021 12:51

How many little ones have fought very hard not to go somewhere, then had a massive meltdown because they didn't want to leave? Grin

Of course you don't let your kids in charge, and they'll thank you for it.

There's a reason why 10 years old, or young teens, are too young to live independently...

BrumBoo · 19/04/2021 12:52

@Paaaaa

8 & 10
Ah in that case I think that if their dad has decided to go out for a walk then they're definitely still young enough to be expected to go with, though I can see how they're at the age of wanting to say no as well. Either he finds a way of bribing or his walks wait until they are officially not on his parental time.

These fights are only going to become more regularly in the next couple of years though, and I think you both need to start finding the compromise between what should be done as a family and what the kids simply are not interested in doing. No more bringing them home to you if they say no though, that's really rude and not ok.

longwayoff · 19/04/2021 12:57

YANBU. Go out. Don't let him do this, cheeky sod. And your children can give the aggravation to him instead. Let him do some uncomfortable parenting.