to expect mum to contribute to fuel when she uses the car (sorry long!)

[cantgetcomfy]

Basically my mum is doing me a huge favour by picking my DS up from school. This had always been the arrangement since I feel pregnant with DS and due to the fact that she retired the christmas before he started school. Now she has decided that she still wants to work part time (more than fair) and has two jobs - which she has a wee van for and the other is hairdressing in an old folks home. Now the day that she does her hairdressing she asked to use our car. We agreed because she is doing us a huge favour getting DS but we have quite a powerful car which does use up a lot of fuel and for each day that she has the car she is using up about a quarter of a tank - so in a week its over half a tank of fuel. On the days that she uses the car I go and pick her up in the morning (about 8 miles) and then she drops me at the station at her bit and then goes back to my house to take DS to school (another 8 miles) then goes to the other side of edinburgh and back again (round trip of about 45 miles). Now I would have no objection to paying for the fuel if she was just taking DS to school but her using the car for work is costing us a fortune. My dad uses their car for work so she can't use that which is understandable but I asked if she could come across to ours in the morning in her van which would give both me and DS more time in the morning and would also save on the fuel. She told me that "no because that would mean that she'd have to put fuel in her van and she doesn't want to do that". This hacks me off a bit because surely she would have to put fuel in her own car or the van to get to work if she wasn't taking DS to school and i feel that at the moment she's making 2/3 trips 40 mile trips a week and not having to pay for the fuel because we're paying for it. To be truthful we can't afford to put putting out all that money on fuel each week (working out at over £60 per week) as well as paying for my train fair into work. Now i know you'll all say that she is doing me a favour and I should be grateful and I am grateful that she's helping with DS but I just feel as if a little bit of compromise wouldn't go amiss. Ah!! Am I being unreasonable????

YANBU; fuel for doing the favour is one thing, but she is using fuel for a journey that is 45 miles longer than the favour - she should absolutely offer to contribute.

£60 per week - lot of money

I think you have to come to some sort of agreement regarding the additional mileage

When I brought the subject up about paying something towards the fuel she laughed at me and said if you want me to start paying something towards it then I'll stop picking DS up. Feel I'm being manipulated here and being held to ransom!

Personally I wouldn't obect- she is doing youa favour so quid pro quo. She probably doesn't even think about it as she has your car anyway

She has a fair point

No, YANBU, what a liberty!

How about arranging for the tank to be nearly empty at least once a week when she comes, so she'll have to put fuel in it to make her own journey?

if she didn't pick uyp your son, who would? would he go to chldminders/afterschool club?

£60 a week is a lot extra Pixiefish
i would have said YABU if you charged for the school run

pixiefish, if cgc's mum won't even do the 8-mile journey in the morning in her own van because she'd have to put fuel it, she is perfectly well aware of what she's doing.

you think so pixie? I don't think she does - she is doing 45 miles on top of the favour.

I think she would have a point if she was only using the car to pick the child up. She wouldn't ring CGC and say "I need to use your car for work" and not pay; or if she did, there would be a strong case for objection but to link the 2 journeys seems odd to me.

This is quite difficult - £60 to travel about 100 miles is a lot of money (I may have misunderstood though!!)

I was going to suggest she should give you the money it would cost her to do the 100 ish miles per week in her van as she is not responsible for the fact that your car takes a lot of fuel. However, I don't think it would amount to much...for instance my car would easily do 100 miles on under £10 of diesel.

I don't know the answer!

Well, why not pick her up with the fuel tank almost on empty? Then she's got to put fuel in!

Alternatively, how much would you have to pay a childminder to do what your mum does? More than £60 a week? You could consider the fuel costs your mum's 'wages'.

Or you could just tell her. Mum. I am sorry, but we cannot afford the petrol. We just can't.

I think she should pay. £60 is a hell of a lot of fuel and money on a weekly basis. I think its fair for her to have your car to drop you and your son off and you pay fuel for that bit but the journey she does for work is extra and should be at her own expense. Can you make alternative arrangements for your son and you for say a week and not let her have the car, just so she can see that she has a massive benefit from using you car for her work.

Sorry if I'm being thick here... she's using your car for an extra 80 - 120 miles in a week for her job, and that's costing you £60? Wow.... that's loads!!

Yes, I do have a diesel, but it only costs me £50 to fill up, and I get 400 miles out of that...

Sorry... not having a go, just amazed at how much petrol can cost! like I said, I might be being naive here..

but anyway, no, YANBU... sounds like she's taking advantage. Yes, she's done you a favour, but it's not fair that she's costing you that much extra a week in fuel.

I don't understand why your mum needs the car - in particular - to get her to her job ? Maybe I've missed something, but why can't she use the van for that ? Seems as if the only reason she wants the car is so she doesn't have to pay fuel costs.

Now, yes, she is helping you out by collecting DS after school, but is that contribution worth £60 a week ? What would it cost to have a childminder do the same thing ?

Playing devil's advocate, maybe, just maybe your mum had begun to feel resentful at picking DS up (don't know how long she's been helping you for ?) even if she was happy to do so previously and this is her cack-handed way of expressing that resentment ? Quite obviously though, she knows exactly what she's doing by her blackmail-esque remark ..... which I find very hard-faced indeed (instead of talking to you about the issue if she felt she was being taken advantage of).

I really would be tempted to resolve the whole issue by getting a childminder - if the cost is less than £60 a week, what have you got to lose ? I know that's easy for me to say, because I do appreciate how easily this might blow up into a family feud, but if she's blatantly using DS as a means of getting a considerable amount of free petrol then I'd be concerned about what she might threaten next (do this for me, do that for me, or I won't pick up DS). Okay ..... hopefully it would never come to that, but you really don't want to be beholden to anyone regarding childcare. Pay someone to do it and you're not.

I don't understand why your mum needs the car - in particular - to get her to her job ? Maybe I've missed something, but why can't she use the van for that ? Seems as if the only reason she wants the car is so she doesn't have to pay fuel costs.

Now, yes, she is helping you out by collecting DS after school, but is that contribution worth £60 a week ? What would it cost to have a childminder do the same thing ?

Playing devil's advocate, maybe, just maybe your mum had begun to feel resentful at picking DS up (don't know how long she's been helping you for ?) even if she was happy to do so previously and this is her cack-handed way of expressing that resentment ? Quite obviously though, she knows exactly what she's doing by her blackmail-esque remark ..... which I find very hard-faced indeed (instead of talking to you about the issue if she felt she was being taken advantage of).

I really would be tempted to resolve the whole issue by getting a childminder - if the cost is less than £60 a week, what have you got to lose ? I know that's easy for me to say, because I do appreciate how easily this might blow up into a family feud, but if she's blatantly using DS as a means of getting a considerable amount of free petrol then I'd be concerned about what she might threaten next (do this for me, do that for me, or I won't pick up DS). Okay ..... hopefully it would never come to that, but you really don't want to be beholden to anyone regarding childcare. Pay someone to do it and you're not.

Breakfast club would be cheaper!

YANBU. I agree with Wendy - make sure the car is almost empty one day. See what she does then. If she asks you for money to cover the fuel she had to put in, it will enable you to broach the subject.

If it was only the school run, or even a few extra miles, that would be one thing, but 45 mile trip.... Also I think it's quite unreasonable that you have to do an 8 mile trip to pick her up quite unneccessarily.

(Dunno how that happened !)

If you can't afford it, then just ask her if she can fill the tank every now and then, maybe taking it to her on empty like others have suggested, maybe just say every once in a while, when you drop the car off, "oh, do you mind filling the tank today please?".

She is family though and in my family we wouldn't 'charge' as it were, just return the favour, take it in turns to fill up, which she is doing isn't she?

I think YABU if you let it become a major thing that puts a rift between your mother and you, but YANBU to ask for some contribution if you can't afford it, especially as she's using it to work so earning money as a result.

Sorry, didn't mean she is already filling the tank up, meant she is already returnoing the favour, in her eyes anyway, by picking DS up.

Does it really cost 120 pounds to fill up your car? Gulp - have you thought about changing cars?

Why does she use your car for work - can't she use the van and you pay her for the 8 miles worth of fuel she'd use to take ds to school?

agree. Sell the big gas-guzzler and get a little car that is cheaper to run. It will be easier to park, cheaper to maintain, and kinder on the environment.

not your mum's problem if your car is expensive to run really. Why should she be out of pocket- if you had a smaller car then the extra fuel costs would be less.
if you don't like it ask her to use her van and you pay her petrol money

Childcare is a bugger when you haven't got it. I'd willingly pay £60 a week. You don't know how lucky you are!!!

See I read this as she´s doing you a favour in picking up your ds and you are returning the favour by letting her use your car on the days she needs it. Hence those favours cancel each other out and she should pay for her fuel