to expect mum to contribute to fuel when she uses the car (sorry long!)

[cantgetcomfy]

Basically my mum is doing me a huge favour by picking my DS up from school. This had always been the arrangement since I feel pregnant with DS and due to the fact that she retired the christmas before he started school. Now she has decided that she still wants to work part time (more than fair) and has two jobs - which she has a wee van for and the other is hairdressing in an old folks home. Now the day that she does her hairdressing she asked to use our car. We agreed because she is doing us a huge favour getting DS but we have quite a powerful car which does use up a lot of fuel and for each day that she has the car she is using up about a quarter of a tank - so in a week its over half a tank of fuel. On the days that she uses the car I go and pick her up in the morning (about 8 miles) and then she drops me at the station at her bit and then goes back to my house to take DS to school (another 8 miles) then goes to the other side of edinburgh and back again (round trip of about 45 miles). Now I would have no objection to paying for the fuel if she was just taking DS to school but her using the car for work is costing us a fortune. My dad uses their car for work so she can't use that which is understandable but I asked if she could come across to ours in the morning in her van which would give both me and DS more time in the morning and would also save on the fuel. She told me that "no because that would mean that she'd have to put fuel in her van and she doesn't want to do that". This hacks me off a bit because surely she would have to put fuel in her own car or the van to get to work if she wasn't taking DS to school and i feel that at the moment she's making 2/3 trips 40 mile trips a week and not having to pay for the fuel because we're paying for it. To be truthful we can't afford to put putting out all that money on fuel each week (working out at over £60 per week) as well as paying for my train fair into work. Now i know you'll all say that she is doing me a favour and I should be grateful and I am grateful that she's helping with DS but I just feel as if a little bit of compromise wouldn't go amiss. Ah!! Am I being unreasonable????

well as you pick your mum up to do you a favour she shouldnt be made to pay for that as she is doing you a favour there cant you just ask if she could contribute towards petrol as iif your mum didnt take son to school then you wouldnt be able to work and she obviously needs to get to work somehow

just speak with her and say you appreciate the favour but could she pay something otherwise she is right she is coming out of her way to help so she may as well save money and then just go to work from where she is and not take ds to school

I would pick your own ds up and keep the £60 a week, you'll need it with another baby on the way.

Your mum is taking advantage.

Tell her you will fill her van with petrol once a week or pick ds up yourself as it is too expensive.

Yes, your mum's doing you a big favour picking up DS.

But if she's going to use the petrol you pay for for her personal journeys, it would have been nice and polite and normal to ask first. Instead of declaring if you don't let her do exactly what she wants with your car and therefore the money it costs you to fuel the car, she'll stop picking up DS. That's massively moving the goal posts.

Don't be held to ransom like this and don't complicate family relations with favours, money etc. Get a childminder and change your car. Sounds very expensive and dare I say, environmentally horrible!

My car would rake up a fair amount of fuel driving across edinburgh and back every day so you totally have my sympathies.

YANBU, to ask for a contribution towards the petrol for one thing if she was not picking up and dropping off ds every day she would have to use her van. She does seem to have a bit of a hard neck saying what she did. But she is doing a lot for you in collecting your ds every day I had a friend in a similar situation and having to be avaliable for drop off and pick up times is very tying to your day. Is there anyway you can reach a compromise even go halfers on the fuel? I wouldn't cause a feud about this but I would be very peed off about it especially as you have told her you cannot afford it.

Sorry think I've confused everyone! It takes just over £60 to fill the car up each week of which mum is using over half the tank. Yes my car doesn't get very many miles to the gallon and isn't very environmentally friendly but I work hard and love my car.

DH was talking to Mum about this when i got home last night and as we both agreed told her that we have absolutely no problems with her using the car whenever she wants but even just putting £5 of petrol in the car would help if she's using it for work. She answered why should she when if she wasn't picking up DS then she would take Dad to work and use his car and not have to pay for petrol - to which we pointed out that she'd still have to put petrol in her own car to get to work. There was one day where the petrol light came on in the car when she had it - she phoned me at work in a rage saying that I hadn't left enough petrol in the car for her to get to work and she was leaving the car at my dads work and she would use his car to get to her work and my dad would bring our car back to us. I asked why she hadn't just gone and put petrol in the car and was told "why should I its your car" - this is where it all started and what infuriated me. Don't get me wrong we're not at some big family war because its to "petty" an issue to fall out about but what is bothering me is the lack of compromise - if she would even just come to us in the morning I would be more than happy to fill the car up for her every week.

We would be lost without her help and she loves having DS - all we are looking for is a bit of compromise, i.e her come to us in the morning or even just putting £5 of petrol in the car. I don't think thats asking for much.

Unfortunately DS's school is just new so doesn't have a breakfast club or an after school club. I think its more the principal of it all and her unwillingness to compromise that is bothering me.

, I'm sorry but your mum really is a piece of work. She is taking shameless advantage of you. Yes, she is doing you a favour picking your ds, but she is taking advantage of it to save her a lot of money.
I would allow her to use the car to pick up ds, but I would not allow her to use it for her work. By the way, if she is using your car to get to her clients for her work, then unless you have permission for your insurance company to for her to use the car for business purposes she is not insured.
I'm not surprised that you were infuriated at her for her attitude about the petrol light coming on. That was bang out of order. What does your dad think about this? I would definitely try to arrange things so that your car was unavailable to her for a week and then seee what happens. Does she expect you to pay her mileage for using her own car for her work?

Well if you can afford to run a car like that you can afford to pay a childminder.

Agree with bouncingturtle. She is probably not insured to use your car for business purposes. Sounds to me like she enjoys driving your car (without contributing to the running costs). I think you should pay her to do the school run. Enough to pay for the petrol for her van and a little bit extra. If she's unwilling to accept this compromise I'd look for a childminder.

£60 a week for all those wasted miles is ridiculous.

You need to work out a more efficient arrangement.

You both sound like you're not going to budge on this (I have to say, I'm probably not the best person to comment as my parents are dead and I think you are sooooo lucky to have help like this).

All I would say is that you sound like you're both out of the same mould so maybe this is the time to end the favour and look for an alternative. Much better to do this than to have some big falling out.

Chopchop has come up with a pretty good suggestion. I think that would be an acceptable compromise. It would probably work out cheaper in the long run.
I really don't think the car's fuel economy is the issue here, I personally wouldn't drive a car that inefficient, but that's just me. Even if she had a cheap run about, I would still think her mum was taking the piss a bit - especially the whole bit with the op having to drive her own car to her mother's and having to get the train back!
And I would love for mine or dh's dps to live close enough to be able to help out with childcare but they don't and if they did they still wouldn't take advantage in this manner.

She loves having ds...but is too tight to even consider putting £5 in the tank every now and again to ensure that everyone is happy with the arrangement.

She called you raging about how you hadn't put petrol in the car?

She is not being nice about this. Tell her to use your van...or you'll have to onsider buying a £300 old banger as a second car for her to use...

I disagree. I think the mum is probably trying to make her point that she deserves something for being an unpaid childminder who goes out of her way every day to collect/drop off this child - on some days this seems to involve her driving half way around Edinburgh. She has to fit it in with all the extra jobs she is doing - and by the sound of it she has come out of retirement and is doing a few part time jobs which might suggest she needs those extra pennies as well.
Not sure what the exact "extra" fuel cost is - seems it is either £60 or half of £60 each week - but either way it is well worth it for the benefit of the DS having his grandma look after him after school. I think it would be a shame to get caught up over this - this is family. You really need to think what you are asking of the grandma - I think my mum would be horrified if she did all these favours and then had me turn around and ask for fuel money but at no point have you offered her anything for all she is doing for you.
I do think the point about insurance is important though - not sure what sort of work the mum is using the car for but if there was an accident you wouldnt want to discover she wasnt insured.

then she deserves to have HER van topped up with petrol....

just tell her that if the reason she doesn't come to your in the morning is because she needs fuel then you will pay her.

She's not using the car for work just to get to work so insurance isn't an issue.

Yes Bozza - we can afford to pay to run a car like we have and could at a stretch afford to pay for childcare as well because both DH and I work damn hard to be able to on relatively low wages. We're not well off by any means and restrict ourselves on many other things so that we can do this but mum was the one that suggested she take and collect DS from school and wouldn't hear of us getting a childminder (which was have suggested) because she truely values the time with DS

Is she a named driver on your policy, because if she's not, she's probably not fully comprehensively insured, so if she had an accident and was at fault you would get nothing for your car.

But that's not the real issue, I do think she's taking advantage, and saying she won't pick up your ds unless you pay for her petrol to go to work is emotional blackmail and doesn't sound very much like someone who values her time with her grandson

Personally I would ask her to contribute to petrol costs or look for a childminder. You're irritate now, think how you'll feel in a few years' time when this has been rumbling on for ages.

I'd think about changing your car. If she's spending £60 a week on 100 miles, that's 60p a mile. I don't think even the American gaa-guzzlers of former times drank fuel at that rate. If you can't afford the extra £60 it looks to me that you can't afford the car.

As for your mum, as long as she's doing you a favour at all, I'd keep quiet about it. If you asked her once, and she refused, she won't respond differently the second time. It'll just lead to trouble for you and some bad feeling. The only solution (other than getting a cheaper car) is to change your arrangements so you don't need her help any more.

Well put like that it does look a bit like she is wanting everything to suit her. But how can you do anything about it without upsetting her?

BTW am I the only who is curious as to exactly what kind of car this is?

Realistically she is using only £30 a week in petrol.
I would be ashamed to ask my mum for that when she would be saving me childcare fees and was itting her work around me and my family.
Do you include the cost of taking your child to and from school and you to the station in these petrol costs?
We have an mpv which will do 120 miles for approx £15 round town and less if straight running.
I cannot get how you have worked out that she is using twice that when some weeks she only does 2 trips(ie £10)?
If you cannot afford to fuel the car then how will you afford the childcare when your mum decides she has had enough of your pettiness and stops picking your ds up?
I would rather pay my mum than someone else tbh and Im sure your son would rather spend time with his Granny.

I think you are being unreasonable.

Its not £60 extra its £60 over all for the week. As I've said before I've no intention of changing my car. As a family we make an annual trip to the South of France from central Scotland as well as taking trips away (camping) most weekends and love the comfort, space and yes luxury that it gives us. We have had years of having small cars and after coming into a small amount of money decided to treat ourselves to a good family car. Its not a huge fancy car - its a ford mondeo just it is the top of the range one with a large engine. We have no finance on it, the insurance is the same as what I paid on my small car and the road tax is the same - the only difference is the fuel consumption. Because of this we can afford the car - with that fuel cost as well. Anyway i didn't start this to justify what kind of car I have or whether I can afford to have it or not - I love our car and can afford to have it, as I've said before its some compromise I'm looking for.

Yes mum and dad are named drivers on our insurance so are both fully comp - we've gave them our car to visit my sisters in the south of england because its a more comfortable drive for them.

Ooh I would love to know what car it is too-just so I can avoid buying one lol

Queenbhannae - it takes £60 to fill the car up, for mum to get to work and back (one trip) this uses up over a quarter of a tank - she makes this trip twice a week (sometimes three) which would use up half (or more) and this isn't including the school run or taking me to the station. I'm not asking her for the £30 I'm just looking for her to compromise as I've said - even just coming to us in the morning so that we didn't have to get DS up at 6.30am would be enough but its her unwillingness to do this that isn't helping - and yes I am as stubborn as her and am probably digging my heels in about it more than I should. When DH asked her just to stick £5 in the car it wasn't to cover the cost of what she used - she'd be paying more than that if she was using her own car. She has openly admitted that she loves driving our car.

We can afford childcare (and have done so for the last 5 years) but mum was the one who suggested taking him out of childcare when she retired.

So each 40mile trip costs £15
Asking for £5 is just silly imo as if you can afford childcare and have an idea how much it costs then I would not quibble over £5!!Will you be asking for £7.50 when it is a three trip week?
Your options are to just get on with it and be grateful that you have a mum who would do this for you or put your son back in childcare?Or arrange to pay her a wage each week for what she does for you and make it clear that she will have to use her own car.
My mum has offered to look after my ds before now and wanted £6 an hour to do so.
I am fortunate that I work from home(although am a sahm atm as just had my dd2) so do not need this option but as I have said before I would rather pay my mum than someone who has no real interest in my child.

Anyway - going to leave this now because I find myself justifying my car, what I can afford and what I can't afford and that isn't why I started this thread!

Thanks for all your contributions anyway! As I said earlier me and mum are fine and there is no tension or family fight growing - was just looking for some constructive advice about my mum!!

p.s. Its a Ford Mondeo ST220, all singing all dancing and won't feel guilty about having it