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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be arsed with your friend if she behaved like this?

71 replies

samisatwat · 18/04/2021 17:02

My friend is a strange character at times.
She's always defensive,anger problems (last few years)
Anyway she's been diagnosed with BPD and she won't help herself.
She's refused medication,refused the 2 talking therapies and has told the mental health team she will wait and do group sessions after covid (probably as they aren't happening now,so good excuse not to take part )
She hates anyone getting on better than her and lately is just so negative.
She never wants to meet and go out for food or a cuppa as she says she doesn't like people (yet wants to do group sessions with people)
She loves when I'm unhappy and seemed overjoyed when I got dumped.
She never texts me first,but if I don't text her she will play the "can't be arsed to speak can you not card?"

We arranged to go into town tomorrow for lunch.
Yesterday I went out with a friend for food and cocktails and my friend posted some pics of us on social media.
I knew today she would cancel because I was out yesterday(almost like I'm not allowed out ,she's happy if I'm sat in alone)

Text her today no reply for 4 hours (shocker)
Then she responds
"I'm ill with a upset can't come tomorrow,my mum is going to ring the doctors "

So I replied "oh no hope you feel better soon,what's up are you being sick,I doubt the doctor can help with a upset stomach ..plenty of rest and fluids "

Her response "why a million questions,I'm ringing the GP as I can't help myself "

Basically she does this all the time.
Almost like punishment for me having other friends

Aibu to not even be arsed ?

OP posts:
Moelwynbach · 18/04/2021 17:07

She sounds odd and too much hard work. I think friendships should be a pleasure this totally isnt.

ElderMillennial · 18/04/2021 17:07

I don't know how you can be sure she isn't see you because you met up with someone else but if she is then yes that's weird.

The simple fact is if you feel like you can't be bothered with her then dont. You're not obligated to be her friend.

Original poster
samisatwat · 18/04/2021 17:09

@ElderMillennial she has done this before.
If I tag a friend in a post on Facebook she will message asking why I didn't tag her
Strange

OP posts:
NeilBuchananisBanksy · 18/04/2021 17:09

Go out again today with another friend and post it on social media!!

She's cutting off her nose to spite her face.

But, why are you friends with her? She sounds hard work!

zingally · 18/04/2021 17:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Persephoned · 18/04/2021 17:27

It doesn’t sound as if you like her much, so perhaps time to call a close to the friendship.

greeneyedlulu · 18/04/2021 17:31

OMG I fed up with her reading your post! Too much hard work for a friendship, give her up, no one needs this.

eatsleepread · 18/04/2021 17:32

She sounds completely and utterly self-absorbed.

Ohpulltheotherone · 18/04/2021 17:35

She’s low vibe. Why keep her around?

You don’t need to ghost her or cut contact completely but why not step back and see if your life improves without her major presence.

I personally cannot and would not be around someone like this. I don’t expect friends to be rainbows and sunshine 24/7 - we all have our ups and downs in life and friends should see us through those times. But you can’t do that with someone who enjoys negativity and drama and is so self involved that they can’t even let other people enjoy their lives because of how it affects THEM. So involved and so boring. Can’t be arsed. Ditch and move on, she won’t change and you’ll be in this never ending cycle

LittleMissMe99 · 18/04/2021 17:39

I would be annoyed at your text to her too. Is that how you normally respond? Sounds like gaslighting almost

Keepitnerdy · 18/04/2021 17:41

My father has bpd and the best advice I can give is don't interact with them if they are not managing with drugs or therapy) crisis team or any form of help. I've seen him cut his leg open with a broken mirror, lie to doctors with a noise around his neck saying he was fine, he threw out the Christmas tree one Christmas. He has recently been warned by the police for harrasing a women. Send her a message saying you hope she gets stable soon and gets the support she needs and to contact you (if you want her to) then.

I've been no contact with my dad for a decade now best thing I ever did.

OwlBeThere · 18/04/2021 17:44

When you say BPD, do you mean bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder because they are two very different beasts. And that’ll influence my reply.

Keepitnerdy · 18/04/2021 17:44

Although your friend doesn't seem as bad, but if it upsets you then don't interact with her.

Keepitnerdy · 18/04/2021 17:45

I assumed it was bi polar disorders like my father's but your right it does change the answer

MorgeMooney · 18/04/2021 17:45

No, I couldn't be bothered with that.

Original poster
samisatwat · 18/04/2021 17:47

Borderline personality disorder

OP posts:
Notagain20 · 18/04/2021 17:49

If your friend has borderline personality disorder traits then you could either look up what that means and what it's like to live with, because it's bloody hard to live with as well as to be friends with someone who is struggling with it.

Or cut contact with her, but don't bad mouth her everywhere because it's a disorder that is usually due to early trauma and she's probably doing her best to survive. Just has developed really self sabotaging ways of relating to people.

Advic3Pl3as3 · 18/04/2021 17:51

You don’t have to be friends with her but some people posting need to be a bit less nasty. The woman is mentally ill and currently not medicated or being treated. Describing her as a loon etc is uncalled for.

Cindy87 · 18/04/2021 17:53

@Notagain20

If your friend has borderline personality disorder traits then you could either look up what that means and what it's like to live with, because it's bloody hard to live with as well as to be friends with someone who is struggling with it.

Or cut contact with her, but don't bad mouth her everywhere because it's a disorder that is usually due to early trauma and she's probably doing her best to survive. Just has developed really self sabotaging ways of relating to people.

Best answer
Notagain20 · 18/04/2021 17:54

Bpd leads people to push away help, and to be very "all or nothing" in any kindof relationship. It's very hard for them to cope with the normal ups and downs of friendship or interactions with services.

That means it's very hard to be friends with someone who has those traits. You need to be sure you can handle it. Doesn't sound like you're up for it, which is fine.

Candycane57 · 18/04/2021 17:58

It just sounds like this could be issues relating to her BPD. Leave her to it if she isn't ready to accept help. 'Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm' comes to mind

LeibnizQueen · 18/04/2021 18:02

I can see your side of this and without mention of the BPD I'd say dump her.

BPD is hideous to live with however. Rejecting due to total fear of rejection is a big part of it. Hating people is a part of it and depression which is often present in parallel. I have a friend with it. It's hard work I know.

Definitely read up on it a bit more.

Original poster
samisatwat · 18/04/2021 18:46

I'm not even sure about the bpd diagnosis
Her friend got diagnosed and then all of a sudden she has it.
I don't know anymore what she says is true and what isn't.
If you've got a headache she's had a brain tumour.
Nobody ever has problems as bad as her,nobody is ever as sick as her

OP posts:
Notagain20 · 18/04/2021 18:47

Please just let the friendship go. Neither of you are doing each other any good or enjoying the friendship.

MadMadMadamMim · 18/04/2021 18:51

@samisatwat

I'm not even sure about the bpd diagnosis Her friend got diagnosed and then all of a sudden she has it. I don't know anymore what she says is true and what isn't. If you've got a headache she's had a brain tumour. Nobody ever has problems as bad as her,nobody is ever as sick as her
You clearly don't like her. This sounded really spiteful, by the way..

Just don't bother be friends any more. She sounds like she has a lot of problems and you sound really unsupportive.

It's best for you both if you just drop it.

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